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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

300 replies

LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 18:53

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

OP posts:
CoRhona · 08/01/2021 18:56

I'm sorry to say this as you're obviously grieving but most people do not consider a miscarriage the same as someone dying.

Original poster
LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 18:57

You don't sound sorry at all tbh

OP posts:
itsgoodtobehome · 08/01/2021 18:58

I think you are not BU to be upset at not getting a card or gift when leaving. That is poor. But you are BU to expect a miscarriage card. I have never heard of that happening from work colleagues. It rarely happens from close friends.

SomewhereInbetween1 · 08/01/2021 19:00

Sorry if I missed it in your post, but how did the team find out you had suffered a miscarriage?

mummyoneboy19 · 08/01/2021 19:00

No, that was really shitty of them. I’m not sure what to suggest, other than to take care of yourself and try to put their thoughtlessness to the back of your mind?

I’m so sorry for your loss, and I hope that you’re as okay as can be Flowers x

Pesimistic · 08/01/2021 19:01

I had a miscarage 2 years ago in October, no one knew at work and the first they knew of my pregnancy was when I phoned in to say I was having a miscarage and wouldnt be coming to work. I dodnt get any cards or sympathies and it was pretty much just swept under the carpet.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 08/01/2021 19:01

Christ alive that’s harsh @CoRhona
I understand you would have appreciated an acknowledgment. You have suffered a bereavement
A miscarriage is a loss of a wanted baby,whom the parents inevitably had hopes and aspirations

NewYearNewLockdown · 08/01/2021 19:02

Yanbu to expect something for leaving but yabu for expecting something for your miscarriage. Sorry.

lastqueenofscotland · 08/01/2021 19:02

I am sorry to hear
However I’ve never heard of getting someone a miscarriage card. Not even a with very close friend groups.

Motnight · 08/01/2021 19:02

I am very sorry for your loss, Op.

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2021 19:03

I am sorry for your loss but I dont think you can be pissed off at people not sending flowers
Rightly or wrongly a MC isn’t usually treated the same as a bereavement by most people, although I appreciate it might be one for you.

Crocky · 08/01/2021 19:03

When I had a miscarriage I got nothing from work. I really would not have expected anything at all.
Not getting you a card on leaving I would say is poor.

ilikebooksandplants · 08/01/2021 19:03

Work friends are largely proximity friends, no matter how close they seem at the time. Obviously some people become real friends from this.

I probably wouldn’t think send a card to someone who had a miscarriage who had already left the team. Tbh I probably wouldn’t send a card to someone for a miscarriage full stop tbh (Never have in the past) but may send a sympathy card if a family member of a teammate had passed away.
Sorry, but YABU.

dippyegg32 · 08/01/2021 19:03

I had a recent miscarriage and I got a delivery of flowers to my front door. My team and boss knew as I had to tell them for risk assessment purposes.

PearlescentIridescent · 08/01/2021 19:03

I don't known what fucking kicks people get out of sticking the boot in when someone already feels emotionally vulnerable. I am so so grateful I am not like you at all, previous poster.

OP I'm so sorry. What is true is that some people don't know how to address pregnancy loss, just as some don't know how to address death of a living relative.

I'm so sorry they have not been empathetic at all, that must hurt. But I would try to let it go if you aren't going to be in contact again. That's just me though.

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

Fatladyslim · 08/01/2021 19:03

I would expect something for leaving but not for a miscarriage. I would assume most people wouldn't even know about it before 3 month scan.

NewYearNewLockdown · 08/01/2021 19:04

Christ alive that’s harsh @CoRhona**

Harsh but true.

leafcar · 08/01/2021 19:04

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Christ alive that’s harsh *@CoRhona* I understand you would have appreciated an acknowledgment. You have suffered a bereavement A miscarriage is a loss of a wanted baby,whom the parents inevitably had hopes and aspirations
I'm with you.

So sorry you're going through this OP. Thanks

Meowchickameowmeow · 08/01/2021 19:05

I would have expected a leaving card and possibly a present but I wouldn't expect anything for a miscarriage. Are you sure they even know about it?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 08/01/2021 19:05

Op isn’t wrong. We have had colleagues who unfortunately had mc
We acknowledged it with a card,and got a Gift

QuantumJump · 08/01/2021 19:05

I'm really sorry about your miscarriage OP Flowers

I've never heard of anyone getting a card when they've had a miscarriage.

madroid · 08/01/2021 19:06

A lot of pp just don't know what to say or how to handle a miscarriage. It's a very lonely time for the mother. Sometimes even a partner won't see it as a loss.

FWIW @LowestEbb Flowers

Look after yourself.

Michellebops · 08/01/2021 19:06

Some people don't know what to say in the case of a miscarriage.
Plus you don't know how many of them have experience it personally with no mention/condolences etc.

When I had mine I got flowers from my work and friends, it was totally unexpected.

However a lot more of my colleagues spoke to me about their experiences after I returned.

You are not being unreasonable to expect a leaving card but definitely unreasonable for a miscarriage card.

Thingsthatgo · 08/01/2021 19:06

It would not occur to me to send someone a card or flowers for a miscarriage. Not because I don’t think it’s an awful thing to go through, I have been in your shoes more than once, but because it’s not the convention to do so. If it were someone close to me I would sympathise, and chat about it with them if they wanted to. If it were a colleague, I would pass on my sympathies and best wishes to them.

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2021 19:06

If they know about your MC and they are your friends, I would've expected them to send you a bunch of flowers or something.

Mind you it's only Friday and these things take time to organise and get delivered, so they might be doing this.