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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

300 replies

LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 18:53

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

OP posts:
2021optimist · 09/01/2021 17:15

I'd have been horrified to contribute to flowers/ a card for something so intensely personal if you were a work colleague. It's more appropriate for close friends.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 17:17

Well you’d not be compelled to contribute. No one would force you

Sunbird24 · 09/01/2021 17:30

Sorry for your loss OP. I didn’t get anything from anyone after my miscarriage never mind my work colleagues, but it wouldn’t have crossed my mind that I should. I don’t really know why not, going to give that some thought...

motherrunner · 09/01/2021 17:34

So sorry about your miscarriage. I had a miscarriage 6 years ago and still remember the pain. I had a week off work for physical effects but was under no illusion that I would receive no bereavement sympathy. It’s too hard for people to understand. Don’t blame others. Focus on yourself. I had grief counselling and it was a huge help.

june2007 · 09/01/2021 17:34

If your only leaving depts not the company then i would not expect card, for 10 wk mc no I wouldn,t expect that either.(as someone who had one at about the same stage. )

Mrsmadevans · 09/01/2021 17:42

I had 2 miscarriages and friends and colleagues never said anything or gave me a card or flowers . I have not given anyone flowers or a card either . I am sorry for your loss OP but one it seems normal behaviour & tbh l was so distraught at losing my babies after 23 years of infertility l couldn't have cared less about a bunch of flowers and a card .

caringcarer · 09/01/2021 22:38

I miscarried years ago at 16 weeks and had a week off after as I lost so much blood I became anaemic. My colleagues bought me 2 little plants and sent me a lovely thinking of you card. One colleague dropped it off after work. They had all written a little message in it and it meant a lot to me. I think your colleagues were mean to you not to get you a leaving gift and a card would have been nice to show you they were thinking of you.

Oblomov20 · 09/01/2021 22:53

I too think that most colleagues wouldn't say anything. None did to me when I had a mc between ds1 and ds2, many years ago. I think they are common and whilst obviously you are very upset, it just doesn't warrant any response.

Iremembertheelderlykoreanlady · 09/01/2021 22:59

I worked on the same team for 15 years.

I had very good friends on that team who I am still very good friends with now.

I was moving to another team within the department.

I didn't get a leaving card/gift.

A few years later I left the organisation. I got a lovely card and gifts and a leaving speech.

Internal moves are not considered the same way.

I am very sorry for your loss OP

LazyName · 09/01/2021 23:37

[quote Scottishskifun]@Miljea that's your view point and you're entitled to it but as someone who had a MMC at 14 weeks, had a traumatic miscarriage on Monday night in which I held my very tiny but formed 9 week baby it's not a collection of cells to me nor is my baby's cremation.

You have dealt with your losses your way but don't think that others aren't pure and utter gut wrenching grief.[/quote]
Sad gosh that is traumatising!!
I do usually mind my own business but reasons like this is why it’s so difficult to see posts on here about abortions for unwanted pregnancies. It’s the same ‘bundle of cells’ / baby but people are expected to have very different views depending solely on the feelings of the mother Confused
Sorry for your losses all Flowers

Cokie3 · 10/01/2021 02:01

I don't think many women who have had a miscarriage would want a card and/or gift, it would probably make them feel worse. For that reason ie sensitivity reason, I would never send a card or gift, nor would I expect one. It would just seem insensitive, making a big deal out of it and inappropriate.

gypsywater · 10/01/2021 02:22

I've never heard of anyone getting a card from ex colleagues for having a miscarriage before. Possibly current colleagues if they are also close friends too. But never ex colleagues.

CuppaZa · 10/01/2021 02:25

You would expect a leaving card. Not miscarriage

gypsywater · 10/01/2021 02:29

A lot of people seem to have known you were pregnant OP

SupermarketStress · 10/01/2021 02:45

I am sorry for your loss OP. I had many cards and flowers when my mother died from work mates.

However, my mother was a fully formed individual in her 50s. I do believe there is a difference.

gypsywater · 10/01/2021 02:47

@miljea
It sounds like you had a VERY early loss though?

gypsywater · 10/01/2021 02:53

(Eg compared to PP who sadly held her 9 week old foetus....and to MCs occurring at 12-14 week mark...)

Cokie3 · 10/01/2021 03:24

@LowestEbb

Can PP's please stop calling it a miscarriage card. Thats obviously not what I mean.

My DH got a huge bunch of flowers and a nice card with the usual 'Thinking of you' platitudes from his work.

They knew about my MC cos I guess my team leader had to inform them when the inevitable baby didn't arrive in 9 months. Hmm

I guess my team leader had to inform them when the inevitable baby didn't arrive in 9 months.

Hang on, did you have a miscarriage recently, or 9 months ago? Because you obviously weren't 9 months along so they wouldn't be waiting for you to go into labor, so I don't get the '9 months' thing.

FolkSongSweet · 10/01/2021 05:54

@Cokie3 she means that the team had to be told so they wouldn’t expect a baby at the end of the pregnancy. Given that the OP was 12 weeks when she miscarried it’s actually 6 months away rather than 9.

OP I think they were really shitty not to send a leaving card.

It would have been nice of them to have acknowledged your mc but I don’t think it’s surprising that they didn’t. Miscarriages are still taboo by many in our society - see all the recent celebs who have said we should talk about them more - and I think people just don’t know how to react. They may well have thought you wouldn’t want to be reminded of it. I’ve had 4 miscarriages and never received a card or gifts after any of them, even from family, and I didn’t feel hard done by. This is not to minimise your grief, it’s just not a “standard” thing to do here, mainly because most people wouldn’t even share that they’d had one before 12 weeks. Sorry for your loss - things will get better (I have 2 beautiful children now).

HeyMister · 10/01/2021 06:44

Firstly, I'm really sorry about your recent miscarriage. It truly is a painful experience. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage (10 weeks) and not many people acknowledged it either. I don't think I expected them to? Certainly not a place of work.

When I had a stillbirth, people did send me cards/flowers/gifts etc... I don't know if it was because I was quite far gone. Any baby loss is a loss. Please don't worry about what people are/aren't doing around you. Everyone reacts to grief differently. Just because they didn't send you a card/flowers doesn't mean they don't like you or care for you. Look after yourself.

ImBoredAgain · 10/01/2021 06:52

Would have been nice to receive a card for leaving but I’d find it strange if someone gave me a card for having a miscarriage at 12 weeks, I’d just expect to ignore and move on not discuss throughout my workplace Hmm

LunaLula83 · 10/01/2021 06:58

I'm so sorry for your loss.

trixiebelden77 · 10/01/2021 07:00

I’m sorry you lost your baby.

To me, miscarriage is intensely personal and I would loathe for my workmates to even know, let alone send me a card. I would be furious if my boss told people. If I wanted people to know I would tell them.

I also know people who have terminated their pregnancy for various reasons and explained it as a miscarriage to whom it would be very inappropriate to send a sympathy card.

makingmammaries · 10/01/2021 07:04

I might have misunderstood something, but I’ve taken away from this that you miscarried at 10 weeks, and that your DH got flowers for it, which is kind of unusual. Pregnancies are not considered established until the 3 month mark because at least one in three is miscarried. I’ve had an early miscarriage and neither told anyone nor expected anything.

Tobebythesea · 10/01/2021 07:18

My early mc was swept under the carpet at my work. In fact, it made life at work harder as my boss now knew we were ttc and might be ‘off’ soon.

I definitely wouldn’t expect a card. I’ve found a lot of people just don’t know what to say after a mc. Maybe that’s it?