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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

300 replies

LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 18:53

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

OP posts:
SamMil · 08/01/2021 19:21

I wouldn't think to get someone a card or something for a miscarriage.

If it was a close friend or family member I might send chocolate or something to show I was thinking of them, but I wouldn't know a colleague well enough to know if that would be appropriate.

I wouldn't take it personally, although I know it is hard when you're already feeling vulnerable during an awful time.

RaininSummer · 08/01/2021 19:22

Very sorry for your loss OP. I wonder if it is partly because it is quite a personal matter and wandering around the office with an envelope because x had a miscarriage is maybe an oversharing of information and makes people feel awkward. I don't think I would want all my colleagues knowing although if they all knew you were pregnant I guess you may be asked eventually anyway.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 08/01/2021 19:22

My work does cards etc but they never did one for any of my three miscarriages.

Many people are private about it even if they have told work. I had to tell my boss & my assistant because I had medical complications so was out of office home working for about two weeks, but I dont think it's the sort of information that gets passed on. I think some people might also find a card a bit invasive as they prefer not to talk about it, it's a bit taboo (and shouldnt be) but an element is because not everyone wants to talk about it.

Yanbu to be grieving but I think yabu expecting a card about it unless you've seen others given cards for miscarriages at your work.

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2021 19:22

moonpig my MC was much more traumatic than losing any family member so far. Even if you believe what you wrote there was absolutely no need

Whatisthis543 · 08/01/2021 19:23

Oh my goodness all, where is your humanity? It’s not a competition of who would be grieving the most. An adult death is awful, losing a baby is awful. Have some sympathy for the @LowestEbb and if you don’t then just shut up. I’m so sorry OP

EssentialHummus · 08/01/2021 19:23

moonpig it's not the grief Olympics.

Speedyspunker · 08/01/2021 19:23

This reply has been deleted

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Youseethethingis · 08/01/2021 19:23

Join SiMBA, Simpsons Memory Box Appeal Facebook page.
I joined last summer after my DS2 was stillborn at 35 weeks, it’s a lovely closed group where you can really vent about what your feeling to people who know.
All this “someone didn’t die” is just bollocks. Your precious baby died, and whether other people disagree is neither here nor there to be honest - you want to acknowledge your baby and as their mother that is your right. You will find a way to do that without cards from anyone.
It’s not the same as “someone” dying. You grieve for what should have been rather than what was. People in general don’t know how to deal with that, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care.
Flowers

Scottishskifun · 08/01/2021 19:23

[quote LowestEbb]@Scottishskifun my house was the same, couldn't move for flowers and cards, as I said some from people I wouldn't consider being nearly as close to as my team.[/quote]
I think many many people simply don't know what to say or do. Unfortunately baby loss is still a taboo to many people it's not discussed and not recognised as grief which it is. You greive the baby, your body is put through the ringers and you grieve the future thoughts of what that baby would have meant. Some people don't like to look at it this way but it doesn't take away from your grief.

The lack of leaving card is also crappy they may think that due to your MC its not the right time to then send congrats in the new job type thing. (second guessing here but maybe more going on then it seems).

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2021 19:23

@Whatisthis543

Oh my goodness all, where is your humanity? It’s not a competition of who would be grieving the most. An adult death is awful, losing a baby is awful. Have some sympathy for the *@LowestEbb* and if you don’t then just shut up. I’m so sorry OP
All?
mummyoneboy19 · 08/01/2021 19:23

@LowestEbb I’m sorry about some of the posts on this thread and please don’t take them to heart, some people just seek to be as hurtful as possible because the anonymity of the internet protects them. X

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2021 19:24

Op, I think you can likely understand from the majority of responses why the team didn’t get you a card and gift. Because for most people this would not be th done thing, it would be seen as highly insensitive.

Also as early miscarriages are so common, it used to be you didn’t tell anyone till after twelve weeks, there is a high chance many of your colleagues also have went through it, so would consider your miscarriage sensitive and private and a card and gift would seem crass.

Lisyloo725 · 08/01/2021 19:25

Hi OP - I’m so sorry for your loss 😘😘
I recently had an ectopic that required surgery and had a MC two months prior - my boss told my colleagues in a team meeting (about 11 ppl) - only one of them text me. An older lady who I guess had suffered something similar. When I spoke to the girl I would call my friend at work when I got back - she said she really didn’t know what to say and that she was sorry she didn’t message or send flowers or something. I think you have to have had some experience of it to recognise the hugeness of it if you see what I mean.
I’m sure you’re lovely and none of them would have meant to hurt your feelings with their lack of mention. X x x

Winterwoollies · 08/01/2021 19:25

I think a lot of people wouldn’t feel comfortable sending something for a MC. Rightly or wrongly (I suspect wrongly) we don’t tend to talk freely about such losses, they’re hidden and almost secret, and so people often probably don’t feel that they can directly address them with condolence gifts. Unless perhaps they’re very close to them.

Sorry OP, it’s really shit.

Superstardjs · 08/01/2021 19:25

YANBU to feel how you feel, it is your body and pregnancy and you are entitled to feel however you do. When I had a miscarriage I did not feel it was a bereavement and that is not BU either. I don't think pp are being unkind, but not everyone perceives a miscarriage in the same way.

Whatisthis543 · 08/01/2021 19:26

@moonpig23 by that logic, if your DP/DH died, you could ‘have another partner or remarry’ it doesn’t mean that it’s not a horrible loss Biscuit

JerichosPenisInADeadChickHat · 08/01/2021 19:26

I find it very strange they didn't get you a leaving card. Have you all been WFH and not seen each other all year or something?

I wouldn't be involved in sending gifts after a miscarriage and would be Confused if a line manager announced something so personal to a team about an ex colleague.
In fact I'd question their ability to hold a managerial position.

RedPandaFluff · 08/01/2021 19:26

@LowestEbb I'm so, so sorry that you've had a miscarriage - like so many women, I know how it feels to lose a baby, and all the hopes and dreams you had for that little life. It's devastating.

I'm wondering if maybe your grief and sadness is manifesting into anger? Sometimes colleagues send cards and flowers when something like this happens, sometimes they don't, it depends on the colleagues. I think it's a grey area and sometimes people don't understand the loss. I don't think they're being callous, it's just that (wrongly, I think) there's no standard social protocol when it comes to miscarriage and maybe they're lucky enough to not understand.

Try to put their (lack of) reaction aside and focus on you and your DH Thanks

Dollywilde · 08/01/2021 19:26

We sent flowers to my boss when she had an mmc at the 12 week scan, it was the first we knew about her pregnancy but we wanted her to know we were thinking of her. That said we were a close team and I know in other workplaces we wouldn’t have. So I think I it’s very much dependent on the team, if you thought you had that sort of team and they didn’t then it sucks. I’m Sorry for your loss Flowers

Retrogal · 08/01/2021 19:27

I had a miscarriage at the same time as you. I informed my work. I really didn't want a fuss about it, definitely not flowers or a card from work. Never heard of that before. I think you have unrealistic expectations.

queenofthelamas · 08/01/2021 19:27

Firstly sorry for your loss Thanks

They knew about my MC cos I guess my team leader had to inform them when the inevitable baby didn't arrive in 9 months.

^ as a manager I wouldn't dream of telling the team this unless I sort permissions. Even then I would have asked them to respect your privacy at this time.

Are you sure they really do know?

Cam2020 · 08/01/2021 19:27

That's really disappointing, OP, you ANBU. Perhaps they don't know how to respond or whether they even should - miscarriage has almost been a taboo subject for a long time. Many people are process driven when it comes emotional and distressing circumstances (i.e nan dies, send a sympathy card, flowers etc), there aren't the same, well established 'rules' with miscarriage.

Having said that, it was really poor form for people you thought of as friends to let it go completely unacknowledged and probably a bit cowardly too. I'm not surprised you're upset. Flowers

CottonSock · 08/01/2021 19:27

A mc is only considered a big deal by you and the people closest to you. I fell out with my mum over lack of sympathy.

SomewhatBored · 08/01/2021 19:28

they may think that due to your MC its not the right time to then send congrats in the new job type thing.

There are cards that suit all kinds of leaving situations. I've organised many cards over the years for people who are, e.g. leaving to care for sick relative, have been made redundant and so forth. Plenty of leaving cards simply express low key good wishes - if all else fails, use a blank card.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/01/2021 19:28

I haven't always had a gift when moving teams or departments within the same organisation especially if I'd not been there for long (a year when most of it was remote working isn't really that long), usually at least a card though. The team I am part of now and the one I lead would always do cards and gifts for occasions and bereavements without fail, but I wouldn't for a miscarriage because I've never known of it in my whole working life. What I would expect from people you are close to at work is a message or a call to send sympathies, ask how you are, ask if you need anything, that's support to me