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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

300 replies

LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 18:53

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

OP posts:
Woodenhearted · 08/01/2021 19:06

@CoRhona

I'm sorry to say this as you're obviously grieving but most people do not consider a miscarriage the same as someone dying.
What a horrible insensitive comment. OP I am so sorry for your loss Flowers xxxx
JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 19:07

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I agree with PP it's not the same as a person dying. I think it's also very difficult to talk to people about pregnancy loss.

If it's an internal move that's probably why you didn't get anything as you're not exactly "leaving".

PearlescentIridescent · 08/01/2021 19:07

I agree it's not usual to get a card (although I think attitudes toward baby loss are slowly becoming more progressive) but not even a word of condolence is strange.

The leaving card bit I missed and is so mean. It can be down to a disorganised team though especially WFH.

OP sorry if I have missed it but did your team actually know you had had a miscarriage?

AlexaShutUp · 08/01/2021 19:07

I'm very sorry for your loss.Flowers It probably feels very raw at the moment.

I'm afraid I think you're being a little unreasonable, though. I didn't get cards or flowers from anyone when I miscarried. Wouldn't have expected anything from colleagues tbh, and I probably wouldn't send anything either, in that situation. I just don't think it's the done thing, and some people might find it a bit intrusive or inappropriate. It isn't quite the same as a bereavement, though it may not feel very different to you right now.

It doesn't mean that your colleagues don't care about what's happened at all, or that they didn't value you as part of their team.

It's a hard time to be going through something like this right now, because people can't just give you a hug as they might usually do. It's also tough that it happened just before you started a new job. Life can be shit sometimes.

Take care.Flowers

HotPenguin · 08/01/2021 19:08

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. As it's your private medical information, your old manager shouldn't be sharing it with your team, so they may not even be aware. If they are aware they probably wouldn't have thought it's appropriate to send a card. Have you taken any time off to get over it? Might be worth considering.

Original poster
LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 19:08

Can PP's please stop calling it a miscarriage card. Thats obviously not what I mean.

My DH got a huge bunch of flowers and a nice card with the usual 'Thinking of you' platitudes from his work.

They knew about my MC cos I guess my team leader had to inform them when the inevitable baby didn't arrive in 9 months. Hmm

OP posts:
Fatladyslim · 08/01/2021 19:08

@HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee

Op isn’t wrong. We have had colleagues who unfortunately had mc We acknowledged it with a card,and got a Gift
See I would have hated that after my miscarriage a few weeks ago. I wanted my grief to be kept personal between my dp and I. Some people know, I wouldn't have wanted a card as a reminder.
Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool · 08/01/2021 19:08

Maybe they don't feel close enough to intrude on your grief.. I mc my very first pregnancy and not even my mil acknowledged it...
Sorry for your loss.

RolandSchitt · 08/01/2021 19:08

It's standard to receive something on leaving a team, so I don't think you're being unreasonable there. I'm really sorry for your loss.

MollyButton · 08/01/2021 19:09

Sorry but a early miscarriage is very common - I would have been horrified if anyone had marked mine in any way. Admittedly no one but DH and medical staff even knew I'd been pregnant at that stage - and wouldn't even now I work in public service.

Your feelings and upset is perfectly okay and valid. But to expect everyone else to mark it, especially in a new team who don't know you yet. I would only mark it for a very close friend.

If you didn't get something to mark your leaving then that is odd. And I have to admit certain colleagues would phone me if I was off for a while, just to check how I was.

Puddlelane123 · 08/01/2021 19:09

I disagree with the dismissive responses above - I have known plenty of people I work with be given flowers / cards and general ‘checking to see how you are doing’ messages after they experienced miscarriages - myself included. It is just a basic kindness and acknowledgement of an upsetting experience. It saddens me that this would be considered unusual.

OP I’m so sorry for your loss. Never feel like you need to justify or explain your grief. I also understand totally why you would feel distressed by the lack of card / acknowledgment from your colleagues.

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 19:09

My DH got a huge bunch of flowers and a nice card with the usual 'Thinking of you' platitudes from his work.

Please tell me this was addressed to both of you? Otherwise that is unbelievably insensitive of them seeing as it was actually you who experienced the miscarriage?

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2021 19:10

They knew about my MC cos I guess my team leader had to inform them when the inevitable baby didn't arrive in 9 months.

Can I ask how you know that they definitely know?

JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows · 08/01/2021 19:10

I've miscarried early too and would also have hated any sort of recognition on it from other (and my work also knew).

PearlescentIridescent · 08/01/2021 19:11

Why would they have to inform them if you had left? Had you just moved teams?

I'm just holding out hope they are not aware is all.

It's a shit thing and I think keeping quiet about pregnancy loss is rooted in generations of womens hurt and shame. I wish it was easier for people to talk about and acknowledge. I've never had one but it sounds horrific.

SpudsandGravy · 08/01/2021 19:11

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, and I'm more sorry than I can say that this has happened to you Thanks

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 08/01/2021 19:11

Right let’s be clear
It is a death, it’s a bereavement,a baby that was wanted who unfortunately didn’t make it
Because people find it hard to discuss doesn’t mean it should be ignored,Unacknowledged

It’s okay to say there are no adequate words and offer an acknowledgment

Original poster
LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 19:12

@JamesMiddletonsMarshmallows yes addressed to both of us. His work mate sent me personally a nice candle, I've met her once.

@WorraLiberty trust me they all know and did relatively soon when it happened.

OP posts:
Macadamia20 · 08/01/2021 19:12

So sorry for your loss OP, I think with miscarriages people don’t really know how to react. Did your colleagues know about your pregnancy? Is your new job in the same company, I don’t think you can expect leaving gifts if you’ve not actually left?

Backbee · 08/01/2021 19:13

Sorry for your loss OP. In honesty even though I get on well with most of my work mates and consider quite a few friends, I wouldn't ask or mention a MC unless they opened up to me about it to be honest, I wouldn't know what to say. It doesn't mean they don't care, but likely they aren't sure what to say, or if you want to talk about it. Strange they haven't mentioned you leaving, is the chat usually quite active?

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2021 19:13

@WorraLiberty trust me they all know and did relatively soon when it happened.

In that case they may still be organising flowers to be delivered.

SomewhatBored · 08/01/2021 19:13

That's awful, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think sometimes people can be uncertain of the right thing to do, if it isn't a situation they have encountered before - perhaps uncertainty got the better of them when they learned of your MC and they were afraid of doing the wrong thing? I'd hope it was something like that, rather than simply not caring.

No excuse for not acknowledging your leaving though. The usual card signed by everyone might not be an option at the moment, but it's not difficult to organise flowers or even a card signed on behalf of the team.

Flowers
NewYearNewLockdown · 08/01/2021 19:13

I missed the fact you only moved departments, so yabu for expecting a leaving card/gift too.

Pugdoglife · 08/01/2021 19:13

They were wrong not to get you a leaving gift/card.

I think with the miscarriage it's more to do with society's attitude to miscarriage being "just one of those things" people don't acknowledge how devastating they are and people shy away from talking about them. I'm sorry for your loss and hurt.

HighSpecWhistle · 08/01/2021 19:14

I'm sorry for your loss.

I had two miscarriages before my successful pregnancy. I didn't receive any cards or flowers etc, nor did I want them.

I suspect they are trying not to bring it up to not upset you. Miscarriage is quite taboo and also very sensitive and people want different things (some wouldn't want others talking about it).

I would concentrate on recovering yourself, it's tough going. Don't worry too much about others reactions.