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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

300 replies

LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 18:53

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

OP posts:
MissMarpleDarling · 08/01/2021 19:44

Sorry for your loss but unfortunately I think YABU just because my nan dieing was far more awful and effected me worse than my 10 week miscarriage (Does not mean I am right atall). I wouldn't have expected a card and have never given one for a miscarriage. I would have said I hoped you were ok though

maggiso · 08/01/2021 19:44

I am so sorry for your loss.
Do your colleagues know you have moved departments or do they still see you as part of the same place- but in a different team. I think many people do not know how to react to a miscarriage. People do not want to add to your grief by doing or saying the wrong thing. You are more likely to get kindly acknowledgements and sympathetic comments when you return to work.

TopBants · 08/01/2021 19:45

Maybe it just didn't occur to them? I'm now feeling guilty because a friend of mine suffered a miscarriage a couple of months back and I didn't send her anything. I didn't even know it was a thing people did.

Whym · 08/01/2021 19:46

I’m sorry to hear about your loss OP 💐.
The fact that cards, messages, etc where sent within your team suggests they are a caring bunch. Quite why they haven’t so much as texted you (even privately) I cannot fathom.
Either way, I hope you are ok and wish you the best.
Take care.

billybagpuss · 08/01/2021 19:48

It’s been 20 years since I was in a managerial position in an office and I’m sure the correct wording has moved on, but if we knew about it we always sent flowers and a get well soon card.

Xmasbaby11 · 08/01/2021 19:49

I would assume they simply didn't know how to respond, rather than think they don't care. It is a more complex and delicate situation than when a relative dies, and I do think some people just ignore it because they don't know the best approach. The loss of a baby can be a very private grief.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Hoppinggreen · 08/01/2021 19:51

Thank you Alexa

lboogy · 08/01/2021 19:51

It would never occur me to send someone I worked with a card acknowledging their miscarriage. And I've suffered two of them while at work. Neither would I have wanted anyone to acknowledge it either.

They are work colleagues not friends and even then my friends never treated it as a bereavement even though I did. I also would not have expected them to either.

I know it's painful and you're hurting but in time you'll see that you're being unreasonable

Crunchymum · 08/01/2021 19:51

AIBU probably wasn't the place for this and I am genuinely sorry for your loss (I've had recurrent miscarriage and it was a torturous time in my life) but I'm unclear as to why so many people knew?

If I read it correctly your team of two years ago sent you flowers? (For you loss?) How did they know? Same with your DP work?

I'd maybe send a colleague I was close to a message off the group chat but it wouldn't occur to me to send a card or candle or flowers?

I hope you manage to muddle through this time and keep well.

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2021 19:52

@billybagpuss

It’s been 20 years since I was in a managerial position in an office and I’m sure the correct wording has moved on, but if we knew about it we always sent flowers and a get well soon card.
Irrelevant of how the person felt? You must be aware many people would be horrified if you did that.
HamishDent · 08/01/2021 19:57

YANBU to be upset. When I had a miscarriage the company I worked for sent me some flowers with a message. I had been going through IVF and had kept my pregnancy quiet, so it wasn’t from my team as not all of them knew.

I do think miscarriage is still very misunderstood and people can be scared to do/say the wrong thing. Unfortunately, sometimes doing nothing is easier than risking getting it wrong.

I’m sorry for your loss OP.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/01/2021 19:57

YANBU - this is an awful thing to happen to you and I would have expected it to be acknowledged.

All I can think of is that is it so awful that people don't know how to react - but where I used to work, there would definitely have been a card, and most probably some flowers sent.

NikeDeLaSwoosh · 08/01/2021 19:58

A lot of people feel that making a 10 week fetus the same as an actual baby has unintended consequences for pregnancy choices for other women.

I'm sorry that you're grieving though, I've been there and it is so hard.

billybagpuss · 08/01/2021 19:59

@Bluntness100 like I said it was 20 years ago, back then this was the way of acknowledging how they must be feeling, things have moved on. My point is we would have acknowledged it so the op is not being unreasonable to expect something.

OhCaptain · 08/01/2021 19:59

I actually don’t think a card and flowers for a MC is a ‘thing’ so I wouldn’t assume that nobody cares.

Lots at play. Not knowing what to say. Thinking that perhaps they were being crass. (I think it’s inappropriate that manager told them.)

There’s no excuse for not giving you a going away card if that’s the done thing.

But rightly or wrongly a lot people don’t view a miscarriage as a bereavement, as is evidenced by this thread alone.

I’m really sorry for your loss. It’s shit. I am lucky to have dc but I had a MC that after many complications ended with my having a hysterectomy so felt like a double whammy!

I didn’t get cards and flowers but I admit, it never crossed my mind to expect them!

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 08/01/2021 20:02

A miscarriage is the loss of your child. It’s devastating. But I don’t think a lot of people understand it and they don’t know how to broach it so instead they simply ignore it. Don’t take it as a reflection on you, as awful as it sounds it’s easier to give condolences to someone whose man has died than someone who has had a miscarriage. Is that right? No, but people don’tlk about miscarriage enough and when they do others tell them it should be ‘kept private’

It’s not you I promise. Sending all the love.

Hopeful201 · 08/01/2021 20:02

I had 4 mc and a stillbirth at full term no acknowledgement at work at all. When I went back everyone kept asking how the baby was because I had been off (grieving) they hadn't been told about it. Some companies are really rubbish, I would say unfortunately mc are rarely talked about. Makes me cross because so many go through them and feel so lonely because of the lack of understanding. Hugs to you.

AlternativePerspective · 08/01/2021 20:02

Fact is there is no right or wrong way here.

Reality is that miscarriage is incredibly common, and it is advised that women not reveal their pregnancy until after the twelve week scan because of the likelihood of early miscarriage.

And while for some it is a crushing blow, for others it is sad but one of those things and they go on to try again. So how should an outsider react? Do nothing and the person may seem upset that they haven’t been acknowledged, send a card or flowers and the person may feel embarrassed that they’re expected to be grieving when actually they may not be.

Some on this thread have even said they were glad nobody sent flowers or cards when they MC, maybe they viewed it as a bereavement but maybe they didn’t. And as much as there’s no right or wrong way to respond to someone else’s miscarriage, there’s also no right or wrong way to respond to your own.

Miscarriage isn’t the same as the loss of a family member, even if it seems like it at the time. One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage. Most of us are likely to suffer a miscarriage at some point. And FWIW when I talk of miscarriage I am talking about early miscarriage not stillbirth.

MimiDaisy11 · 08/01/2021 20:02

That's really bad of them. I know a little about how you feel. I worked in a place for a few years and they got a card and present for someone who worked there just for a month and had to leave a few weeks before me, but didn't get me anything even though I was on good terms with them. Sometimes groups are not good at being organised and often it's left to one person or someone suggesting it.

I don't think I'd expect cards or flowers for the miscarriage but I think if someone was leaving and that happened I'd want to make sure they got flowers and card as I'd imagine they weren't feeling in a good place.

GlitterandBalloons · 08/01/2021 20:03

I'm sorry for your loss OP
I hope you are able to ignore some of the insensitive answers on this thread.
Could it be possible that your manager, in not knowing how to communicate your miscarriage to the team (or projecting how they would like it to be handled if it was them) has added a comment such as please respect their privacy at this time or something similar which has unintentionally put people off contacting you? I have never sent a card or flowers as you never know how they will be received but I have spoken via messages and hoped to provide reassurance that I am thinking of the friends who have lost their pregnancies and I find it odd no one has contacted you.

Also yanbu for expecting acknowledgement of moving teams, my workplace make a big fuss of internal moves as well as leavers as it is still a career development so you should have had a card

Take care, hopefully as time goes on people will be more comfortable speaking openly about miscarriage instead of expecting women to hide their feelings and not acknowledge their loss of a much wanted baby.

BritWifeinUSA · 08/01/2021 20:04

I wouldn’t have wanted anything when I had my ectopic. What would I do with a card? Put it in the mantelpiece to remind myself every day that my child has gone? I couldn’t even function. I wouldn’t even have been in a WhatsApp group, checking my messages and running a score of who received cards for which tragedy.

Mousehole10 · 08/01/2021 20:06

I’d be upset at not getting a leaving!card/present but wouldn’t expect anything for a miscarriage. Sounds a bit strange to be honest.

Mylittlesandwich · 08/01/2021 20:08

You have my sympathies, I've had a MC too and I was also heartbroken. I didn't experience anyone marking it though and think your DHs colleagues were unusually kind.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/01/2021 20:08

Early miscarriage is very common. 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage with 80% of those happening in the first trimester. Therefore a large percentage of pregnancies do not reach the second trimester. While I understand it was very distressing to you, because it is so common, I wouldn’t expect gifts or cards for a pregnancy of short duration. Or for changing departments in the same company.

Confusedlady246 · 08/01/2021 20:08

I'm sorry for your loss

I had great difficulty conceiving and had 11 miscarriages in total. I did not receive anything from my colleagues and neither would I expect to. Some years I had multiple miscarriages, obviously my colleagues couldn't buy me a gift every time it happened, but if they'd started then stopped after the third or fourth time, surely that would be worse?

I think it's unreasonable to expect gifts and a card because you've miscarried. It's a really really horrible experience, but as others have said, it's extremely common.