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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

300 replies

LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 18:53

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 08/01/2021 19:14

I'm sorry for your loss and lack of support from your colleagues even just acknowledgement. I think a lot of people don't know what to say or do.

I miscarried on Monday/Tuesday after finding out MMC at 14 weeks. I am the flip side my house looks like a florist and I have had to put them in a different room as it's too much for me to be seeing right now. My friends from work who know are sending me regular check ins to see how I am and little distraction stories. For me this is far more important than the flowers they sent.

Whatisthis543 · 08/01/2021 19:14

I’m so sorry OP, you poor thing 💐

I wonder if people just didn’t know what to do rather than not caring, the etiquette around a death of a person already in the world is very established and perhaps unfairly people didn’t know what to do. So sorry for your loss xx

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 08/01/2021 19:14

@Fatladyslim, we checked with the colleague that it was ok to get a gift & card
Well aware of the sensitive nature of mc and everyone processes differently
There’s no one way, and yes it was guided by what colleague told me she wanted

gottakeeponmovin · 08/01/2021 19:14

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ALightFromTheShadows · 08/01/2021 19:15

15% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. How could workplaces afford to recognise them all? Yes I've had a miscarriage, yes my colleagues knew- it began in work. They were very sympathetic and lovely, but it didn't need flowers or cards.
I'm still very close to that set of colleagues over a decade later, even though we've all moved to other places.
Working in a team for a year, particularly this year, is no time at all. People haven't even remembered birthdays etc this year.

AlexaShutUp · 08/01/2021 19:15

I missed the bit in your OP about no leaving card. That's a bit shit to be honest.

Original poster
LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 19:16

@Scottishskifun my house was the same, couldn't move for flowers and cards, as I said some from people I wouldn't consider being nearly as close to as my team.

OP posts:
christmasathomeagain · 08/01/2021 19:17

If you are just moving departments I wouldn't have expected anything for 'leaving' as you weren't leaving. Plus you at beeb there a year. That us no time at all.

I'm really sorry you lost your baby, you are devastated I'm sure. If I was close to someone at work I would text but no way would a card or present be organised. Its very sad but in no way comparable to the bereavement of a grandparent,

pringlebells · 08/01/2021 19:17

I think for a miscarriage most people don't know what to say, so they don't say anything. With work, depending on how long you e worked there and the impact you've had etc is of expected at least a card, so I can see where you're coming from about not even a leaving card or mention but as far as the MC is concerned, I've never had anything said or given to be as condolences but I've ever expected it either really

Bluntness100 · 08/01/2021 19:17

I’m sorry about your loss op,

I think a lot of people don’t consider early miscarriage as devastating as it is for some who experience it, and also don’t know what to say, it’s an area where some people would rather not discuss it. I also have to agree it’s not comparable to death of your gran for most people.

I also have never heard or witnessed an office whip round for gifts or a card for a miscarriage, and I think I’d be quite taken aback if someone suggested it to me, I’d feel it was highly insensitive and risky. If it was me, I’d be appalled if I got a card or a gift because I had a miscarriage.

It’s the sort of thing that those close to you know how to address but not work colleagues.

On this, I think you’re being unreasonable, I’m sorry.

Original poster
LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 19:17

I'm really regretting starting this thread. Some of you are being so awful.

OP posts:
CarterBeatsTheDevil · 08/01/2021 19:17

I've had two miscarriages and a stillbirth and most people were capable of understanding that I had suffered a loss that made me very sad. Christ.

OP, I do think that people have no idea what to do or say. Your team may not know yet - I don't think you can assume that your manager would have told them - and I also think that it can be really hard to know whether someone will want a card and flowers or whether they will want nothing. I was very selective about who I spoke to after my miscarriages and I would not personally have welcomed cards or flowers. There is nothing wrong at all with you feeling differently, I really mean that Flowers but I think a miscarriage is very personal and there is a huge range of different reactions to them and people end up saying nothing because they don't know what to do.

None of what you have described means your old team doesn't care about you Flowers

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 08/01/2021 19:18

Yes there are some really crass & insensitive posts

WorraLiberty · 08/01/2021 19:18

Actually I missed this bit...

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

At least the numerous other teams organised that. I'd try to put the most recent team out of your mind and concentrate on getting better OP.

moonpig23 · 08/01/2021 19:18

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MimiLaRue · 08/01/2021 19:18

@Hoppinggreen

I am sorry for your loss but I dont think you can be pissed off at people not sending flowers Rightly or wrongly a MC isn’t usually treated the same as a bereavement by most people, although I appreciate it might be one for you.
I agree.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP but I'm afraid I dont think their actions are wrong for the above reasons.

elizabethdraper · 08/01/2021 19:18

I had 10 miscarriages, never entered my head that people in work should even know or send me cards.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 08/01/2021 19:19

And I am so sorry about your baby.

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 08/01/2021 19:19

Vile post @moonpig. Crass and insensitive

PearlescentIridescent · 08/01/2021 19:19

@gottakeeponmovin but just because you think it's unbelievable doesn't mean everybody does. And equally I think OP I think it would be helpful to remember (as is evident from the responses) that not everyone feels it is appropriate to send such things in the event of a miscarriage and have valid reasons for thinking that. It doesn't necessarily mean that they have passively ignored what happened.

But gently, I would say you are channelling your wider grief into this situation and maybe it would be healthier to let it go. It is hurtful that might not have had the relationship you thought you did with them but fuck it, they are work colleagues not life long companions.

EssentialHummus · 08/01/2021 19:19

I disagree with the dismissive responses above - I have known plenty of people I work with be given flowers / cards and general ‘checking to see how you are doing’ messages after they experienced miscarriages - myself included. It is just a basic kindness and acknowledgement of an upsetting experience. It saddens me that this would be considered unusual.

This! Christ alive, some of the responses on here.

OP I'm sorry for your loss Flowers. I had a MC last year. Some friends and colleagues were great about it, others fell a million miles in my estimation for how they acted. Yes there is still a stigma around miscarriage, wrongly, but stigma is a reason to speak out rather than stay quiet imo.

PearlescentIridescent · 08/01/2021 19:20

@moonpig23 what the fuck is wrong with you

Lightwindows · 08/01/2021 19:21

If they all knew you were pregnant then yes they should have sent a "thinking of you" card. Obviously wouldn't expect anything if they didn't know you were pregnant. I got a card and flowers when I lost my first baby. It was a second trimester loss if that makes any difference, but I still think they should have acknowledged it, and sent a leaving card. They have been rubbish. Sounds like you were on good terms with your colleagues but they're not really friends. I'm sorry for your loss.

Meowchickameowmeow · 08/01/2021 19:21

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Tumblebugsjump · 08/01/2021 19:21

I think people can very insensitive about miscarriage and also don't know what to do, they is so much emphasis on not telling people until you're 12 weeks incase you miscarry- I used to think this was to protect you from having to tell people, I think actually it's just because people feel uncomfortable talking about it, sexist attitudes that women should just get on with it and not bother anyone else with their bodily functions! Really sorry for your loss, and no leaving card. Maybe no one had the capacity to organise anything due to covid? There's usually one person who does these things in every work place, if there isn't at the moment it might just slip due to covid.