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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset I got nothing from work? (Miscarriage)

300 replies

LowestEbb · 08/01/2021 18:53

I worked with this team for a year. We regularly gave leaving cards/sympathy cards etc.

I applied for another role and was due to start there on the Monday. Last day with old team was on the Friday, so just 2 days before my MC.

On the Sunday I went to A and E with bleeding and it was discovered my baby had no heartbeat, measuring 10 weeks but thought I was 12. Devastated isn't the word.

They knew I was pregnant (public service so changes what role you do, plus I had severe sickness)

I'm still in the work whatsapp chat and someone has just message thanking them all for their card as her nan died, another has replied 'Hope you're okay'

I got nothing, either for leaving or for my miscarriage, 4 weeks later.

I thought I was well thought of and they were my friends.

I wondered if it was because I'd left the team, but it was only a day after and I've had flowers and cards from numerous teams I've been on before, one I left 2 years ago.

I really don't know if I'm BU or just over sensitive.

Just a card would have meant a lot in the darkest moments.

AIBU????

OP posts:
LemonSquirtInTheEyeOfLife · 08/01/2021 19:29

I had to work through a MC (that went on for a month, my manager knew, at one point I was bleeding on my chair but the team was understaffed so I didn't feel I could go off without consequences). I didn't get any gift or card when I went on maternity leave either, despite being the longest serving team member, & having trained most of them. Some workplaces are just shit & have a crappy culture. Sorry you're having a hard time. Flowers

Pukkatea · 08/01/2021 19:30

I think it is likely a combination of not being an established tradition to send a card in the same way it is for bereavement of a relative, and the difficulty in how to approach what is a deeply unique and personal experience to every woman. PPs on this thread have said they would have not wanted or been upset by a card - perhaps the team were nervous of that or not knowing if it was inappropriate, chose to be cautious. I agree that flowers would have been nice, perhaps not a card. I'm very sorry for your loss OP x

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 08/01/2021 19:31

I also haven't shared the news of a miscarriage with my team until explicitly discussed with the person before they are due to return to work, when checking in how they would like the situation handled. Some don't want it mentioned, some want to tell people themselves or have already, and some prefer it to be done by me either with the request not to talk about it or to say please don't be afraid to talk to me about it, but very much a conversation for a rtw meeting.

Otterseatpuffinsdontthey · 08/01/2021 19:31

Sorry for you lossFlowers

FrankieChips · 08/01/2021 19:32

I had a miscarriage and only told my manager and close friends. Didn’t expect anything from work and didn’t get anything. My manager’s wife also had a miscarriage and we didn’t send her anything.

username1909 · 08/01/2021 19:32

OP, I'm so sorry. Some of these replies are actually disgusting. They could have sent flowers and I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't believe some of these replies. Please take no note. Most people do have some compassion, but a lot of these posters clearly don't.

Brieminewine · 08/01/2021 19:33

Early miscarriage is really common, I wouldn’t expect a card or flowers etc, especially if the pregnancy hadn’t been confirmed and announced.

On the other hand, I would expect the team to acknowledge you leaving, is it possible there was some bad blood between you?

Monsterjam · 08/01/2021 19:33

I wouldn’t be so sure the team know. I wouldn’t discuss this type of info.

FrankieChips · 08/01/2021 19:33

I also got nothing when my Dad died. Maybe I have really awful colleagues.

PegLegTrev · 08/01/2021 19:35

I had an ectopic pregnancy and didn’t even get acknowledged by my colleagues, which I was glad about. I think my boss shared the news as someone made a comment consistent with that. I’m not offended and was glad I didn’t have to talk about on my return to work.

Obviously that’s me - but I think people don’t always know how to approach this kind of thing. So it’s less that they don’t care and more that they don’t know what they say.

Norabloody · 08/01/2021 19:35

I’ve had two miscarriages. Both of which my work knew about. No gift/card/condolences from either but just some degree of understanding around not being able to make meetings, meet deadlines etc. Because you have left you are maybe not experiencing how you would be “held in mind” if you were part of their day to day. It doesn’t mean they don’t care

Flowers to you OP

combatbarbie · 08/01/2021 19:36

Urgh it's probably an unpopular opinion but early miscarriages (up to 12 weeks) are not seen the same as, for example, a stillbirth at 24 weeks. I'm not saying that what you are feeling isn't valid, it is a painful and can be a traumatic experience.

They were completely unreasonable about you leaving though.

OverTheRubicon · 08/01/2021 19:36

It wouldn't be normal to give something for a miscarriage, especially at 12 weeks. I've been through it myself and know it's awful, and you have my sympathy, but it's a very private pain.

I'm also always careful when talking about my.early miscarriages as 'bereavements' as there are many people who, for their own good reasons, have terminated pregnancies at those dates and it is.also very hard for them to be treating a colleague as having lost a baby at that point.

MrsDiplo · 08/01/2021 19:37

I would have expected a leaving acknowledgement (card/flowers) but not a MC one.

Jetatyeovilaerodrome · 08/01/2021 19:37

Sending a card for a miscarriage isn't really a thing is it? I have never sent anyone I knew who had a miscarriage a card or flowers.

However, it's a bit shit that no one even texted you, even privately and off the group?

Sorry for your loss Flowers

spiderlight · 08/01/2021 19:38

I'm so sorry. That must have been very hard and hurtful. Flowers When I had a miscarriage, the only person who 'got' my grief and acknowledged it (by bringing me a beautiful plant because she thought it would be helpful to have something to nurture in memory of the baby) was a friend who'd had miscarriages herself. Everyone else was a bit rabbit-in-headlights about it and didn't know what to say or do.

Terracottasaur · 08/01/2021 19:39

I’m so sorry for your loss OP Flowers

It may be that your team felt a card / gift would make matters worse. Because miscarriage isn’t talked about very often (not a good thing) people don’t always know the best way to address it. They may have felt that not drawing attention to it was better.

I’m not saying that’s right; just that it might be thoughtless rather than unkind.

Either way I hope you’re ok and that you’re able to find peace and heal.

AlexaShutUp · 08/01/2021 19:40

my MC was much more traumatic than losing any family member so far.

I'm very sorry to hear that hoppinggreen. Flowers

I think part of the issue with miscarriage is that everyone experiences it very differently. I found it very upsetting and physically traumatic, but I did not personally experience it in the same way that I would have experienced a bereavement or even a late pregnancy loss. For others, I recognise that it is a very different experience, as hoppinggreen's post illustrates. None of these responses are right or wrong, we all feel what we feel and should respect that others will respond differently.

These differences do, however, make it difficult for people to judge what response from them to another person's pregnancy loss is appropriate. I wouldn't have wanted a card or flowers myself, so maybe people judge on the basis of what they would personally hope for in that situation. There is no need for blatant unkindness or insensitivity, though, as a few on this thread have shown.

Mangofandangoo · 08/01/2021 19:41

I had a miscarriage at work, obviously everyone knew as it was obvious and I didn't receive a gift or card - I'm really pleased about that because it would have made me feel really uncomfortable

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/01/2021 19:41

I’m sorry about your loss OP Flowers I think many people don’t like to talk about miscarriage, it’s still quite a taboo subject for some, there was quite a lot of press about it last year I think. It’s awful but some people simple don’t know what to say.

They definitely could have got you a leaving card though.

Doingitaloneandproud · 08/01/2021 19:42

I think for moving departments there's no need to get a leaving gift, you aren't leaving. Presumably you'll still be in the work place just not working directly with that section?
For a miscarriage I think a lot of people wouldn't send flowers/card as grief is personal and people react in different ways. So I am very sorry for your loss but I do think YABU

TooTiredToAdultToday · 08/01/2021 19:42

I organised a card and flowers to be sent to a colleague when she had a MC. We weren’t particularly close but I knew how very much wanted the baby was and how devastated she would be. She responded saying she really appreciated the gesture and it made her feel like others acknowledged her loss. I don’t understand why anyone wouldn’t want to let someone know who has suffered a loss that they are being thought of and cared about.

Beamur · 08/01/2021 19:42

People don't know what to say. Probably decide to say nothing rather than the wrong thing.
Sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself.

1Morewineplease · 08/01/2021 19:43

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think that many people feel that a miscarriage is so personal that it might seem intrusive to acknowledge it.

MissBaskinIfYoureNasty · 08/01/2021 19:44

I don't think an early miscarriage card is really a "thing" you can expect. That's not to say it's not a dreadful time for you but I don't think they're in the wrong for not sending something for that.
For leaving the team yes they should have organised something if they have done for others.
I suspect this is something for you to use as an outlet for your grief which is understandable.

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