To not let DH talk DS out of applying to Durham Uni?

[cruddled]

I grew up local to Durham University but never considered applying back in the late eighties because I had a stereotyped view of it as being 'posh' and filled with 'Oxbridge rejects' from private schools. Whether or not it was true at the time, it was certainly a widespread view. My DH grew up in Yorkshire and had the same negative opinion of it. We were both first-generation university applicants and both ended up at other Russell Group universities in the north of England, then moved to Greater London for work, which is where we met and have lived ever since.

Now our DS1 in year 12 is thinking of putting Durham as one of his UCAS choices and seems quite keen on the idea. DH is less keen and has privately suggested we talk him out of it, but only because of his past prejudice. I disagree. I know there was a very negative story in the news recently because some students certainly did live up to the stereotype (www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/north-east-durham-university-students-19131519), but I'm generous enough to assume they are in the minority and that the university has otherwise moved on a bit.

Please tell me I'm right and that Durham is now at least comparable with other 'top' universities for inclusivity.

At the end of the day your dc can apply to up to 5 unis, and needn't make a decision for ages. Dd applied to 5, got 5 offers and was able to take her time to decide which ones she’d finally accept.

I don't know quite what you mean by a "rah" contingent. However most Russell Group universities will have snobbish/ wealthy people at them. I don't see what makes Durham any different.

Let your son decide. At the end of the day you don't actually know what it's like there now any better than he does.

(I mean other posters about "rah" contingent - have never heard that term)

He’s got five options. He makes his first list, you view his favourites, he puts his first and second choice and crosses his fingers for offers and then crosses his fingers and toes for his grades.

Your DH is being unreasonable. He may not like it on a visit, he may not get an offer and he may not get the grades.

And if he does go, then it’s his choice and he will be just fine.

Does he secretly not want him moving away that far? Afraid he may go up north and never come back like you and your DH did in reverse?

I went to Durham (started in 2000) and it was very rah, even though I deliberately picked a more modern college that didn't do all the gown shit.

There were some normal people there too though and it is a good university, so not a reason not to go. But I did find it a bit stuffy.

DD went to a comprehensive and got a lot out of Durham. She plugged the gap in people she previously hadn't met - ie those Rah types. She also met lots of lovely people. But gosh it was posh. But not overwhealmingly. She picked one of the more modern colleges. Think the boarding school types like the older ones! Biggest problem she had was with some of the sports teams - rugby and rowing in particular, which were full of very entitled males whose behaviour around women left much to be desired.

College system ws great because there were so many clubs at so many levels. If you play music or sport there's something for everyone. And more besides. I say be open minded and try it

And yes, Exteter and Bristol (which monied students like to pretend is soooo edgy ) are just as stuffed full of braying, monied types

I know a couple of people who went to underperforming London comprehensives who went to Durham. Their issue was more with how small Durham was compared to London - ie, logically you know it’s smaller but you don’t realise how small until you start living there.

Durham is a good university. If your son wants to apply there, let him. Yes, there are posh kids there, but also plenty of non-posh kids. Maybe make your DS aware of its reputation, but then let him make the decesion.

DS decided against Durham because he thought he'd spend his time on the train to Newcastle to go clubbing. He found Durham stifling when he visited. He went to Oxford instead and thoroughly enjoyed it - different vibe altogether.

One thing I would say is his father went to Oxford from a northern comp and felt he had to do his best to fit in and go with the flow and spent some time in awe. However his Oxford start provided him with the means to provide his children with the best possible education so yes they are 100% confident with the rahs but also 100% confident enough in themselves to not particularly give a flying and both have a wide range of friends from uni.

www.youtube.com/c/thejackexperience/videos

Jack Edwards went to Durham University.

Zombie thread,

what happened in the end op? where is he going? @cruddled

I cannot imagine being this interested in what an adult kid wants to do. Just because you are left wing doesn't mean you aren't a discriminating bastard. He needs to get a life and get over his sixth form politics. If my husband was such a wimp I would be running for the hills.

My eldest went there fifteen years ago and was fine. It was her first choice, she wasn't rejected from anywhere else.

Honestly op, you have a snobbish view of Durham. It is and has always been great in many respects.

It's up to your son where he applies, I don't think anyone else should try to influence him.

Your DS should do his research and then choose whatever University he wants. It has nothing to do with your DH and he should keep out of it.

A university should be decided upon because of the course they offer, the location, the facilities and all sorts of other criteria, but not because of who you think might or might not go as well. My daughter went to Durham, we are an ordinary nondescript family, she was fine.

Every university will have the odd 'posh' group as well as ordinary everyday folk. It won't be confined to Durham; you just find the people who you relate to best and make your friends amongst those....

Talk about serious overthinking... literally any top 50 university will have cliques of posh kids and of course pockets of "lad culture" as well. Choose the best university you can get into. Then consider the general environment OK? Eg urban/rural. Job done.

I don't think it's OK to speak about a homogeneous group of people like this. What is posh? You don't know. Replace posh with chav or common and then realize how unpleasant you are being.

I went to Edinburgh where there was a big yah (or rah) contingent. They all seemed to have nicknames like Bobo and Roly, and hung out together in a huge clique. I’ll never forget meeting a few in Fresher’s‘ week and one asking me ‘What school did you go to?’ I can still picture her expression of pity and horror when she realised I had been to a …. gasp … comprehensive But there were all sorts of folk at Edinburgh, each to their own! Had the best time ever and met all kinds of interesting people from every sort of background. I’m sure it would be the same at Durham.

She was a product of her upbringing same as kids who shoot each other. So bloody judgemental.

I didn’t go to Durham, although I do live in the NE. But I have had plenty of experience of being a townie in the city on nights out with friends who live there, and some of what I saw was really shocking - sub-par Bullingdon club shite, treating local women in particular really badly and talking to and about Durham locals like they were shit on their shoes.

I’ve never seen the same in Newcastle despite that also having a substantial rah contingent (e.g. the Princess Eugenie set). Perhaps it’s more diluted in a bigger city.

Those experiences do influence my view of the university I’m afraid and while I’d never seek to influence my DC’s choices if they were set on it, I’d want to make sure they knew what they were getting into how to avoid getting surrounded by those behaviours (perhaps through choice of college, sport, hobbies).

I have heard that there is still a contingent of butt-sore Oxbridge rejects, who over-compensate for their loss through performance poshness. However, if he knows what he is looking for they are avoidable.

The rape culture you speak of is definitely not exclusive to Durham.

I went from a state school to Durham in 1997, I loved every minute of it. I’d still consider the friends I met there some of my closest. I went to Grey which is fairly informal - they said at that point we wore gowns for formal meals where grace was in Latin. I found that part of an experience rather than exclusionary.

@CorianderBee

Isn't there an issue with lad/rape culture there? Or is that somewhere else and I'm getting mixed up?

There is. No worse than any university but one the students are actively trying to address.

I went in the 00s. Lots of rahs, yes, but I don't think that's unique to Durham at all. I loved the town and the locals. Beautiful place to study. It's all about college choice (Cuthbert's is the least posh). But surely it's also about the course and facilities? You find your tribe, eventually.

There is an issue.
I perhaps referred to it a little too politely when I talked earlier about some of the sports teams.
Many of the boys went to the same schools and share networks and protect their own when accusations are made. DD has described two such cases where you g women close to her had problems.
So while
It happens everywhere I tbo know at Durham the tendency ablmk g the you g men is to close ranks around d the perpetrators.
Obv this is is a generalisation but its based on sound anecdote close to me