To not let DH talk DS out of applying to Durham Uni?

[cruddled]

I grew up local to Durham University but never considered applying back in the late eighties because I had a stereotyped view of it as being 'posh' and filled with 'Oxbridge rejects' from private schools. Whether or not it was true at the time, it was certainly a widespread view. My DH grew up in Yorkshire and had the same negative opinion of it. We were both first-generation university applicants and both ended up at other Russell Group universities in the north of England, then moved to Greater London for work, which is where we met and have lived ever since.

Now our DS1 in year 12 is thinking of putting Durham as one of his UCAS choices and seems quite keen on the idea. DH is less keen and has privately suggested we talk him out of it, but only because of his past prejudice. I disagree. I know there was a very negative story in the news recently because some students certainly did live up to the stereotype (www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/north-east-durham-university-students-19131519), but I'm generous enough to assume they are in the minority and that the university has otherwise moved on a bit.

Please tell me I'm right and that Durham is now at least comparable with other 'top' universities for inclusivity.

@CorianderBee

Isn't there an issue with lad/rape culture there? Or is that somewhere else and I'm getting mixed up?

I think that was Warwick.

Nor you nor your DH should have anything to do with your ds choice.
It’s up to him to decide where he wants to go and clearly that sort of view isn’t common at his school.

FWIW the story at durham was crap. But I doubt it’s only happening in Durham unfortunately

I went to a Russell group Uni. I was one of two state school kids on my course.
I managed to make friends with kids who had gone to some of the most expensive schools in the country.
Kids that go to private schools can be lovely too.

I think it's OK to tell him a uni has a certain reputation but that doesn't mean it is wholly like that - because others might mention it so he should be comfortable with his choice. I have been musing the same as dd is applying.

I'm a current student at another red brick, there are 'rah' people everywhere, though Durham is slightly more like this plenty of friends enjoy it greatly. Just be aware Durham has little in the way of night life, so just make sure your son knows the difference in experience he will get between Durham and Newcastle, say.

My DD left Durham during her first year after being bullied, assaulted, and made to feel inferior for coming from a state school. She was at University (castle) college. Pastoral care was abysmal. This was 4 years ago, and I appreciate that blame for this lay solely with those concerned, and those persons will have left now, but she felt the whole atmosphere to be oppressive and claustrophobic.

Even if at a different college, the whole place is quite small which may not suit everyone

I appreciate that others’ experiences will have been far more positive, and the smallness will suit them.

I have two 19 yo DS, both at Unis. I don't think anyone should be talking your DS out of applying for whatever he wants! Both our DS made their own choice of subjects and Unis, and I think that's really important. Durham is an excellent Uni, one of my closest friends went their and she is certainly not "rah" but very down to earth and also very clever!

Encourage him (your DS) to look at the actual statistics for admissions from state v private schools. Compare to other universities and colleges. It should be an informed decision based on actual data rather than prejudices and a reputation which could be outdated or still have some basis in truth.

I went to Oxbridge but had may friends at Durham. Nothing wrong with Durham at all. Definitely don't put him off applying. Whenever I went there I loved the place.

DD is at Durham now. State school education. We are NOT posh. DH and I are not university educated. DD has always been bright and academic. She had an interview at Oxford but preferred Durham. She loves it(Covid aside) and there are many ‘normal’ students as well as some posh but she doesn’t feel judged. She chose it for the course.

Also, each college at Durham has a different identity. DD is at Collingwood which is more sporty/social based and less formal.

Ds is currently in his second year at Durham and he has loved every minute so far! He is in Hatfield, often thought of as one of the most 'rah' colleges. He is from a state school, has made loads of friends, both state and privately educated. Yes there are some hes not keen on but that's life surely? The whole college experience has been amazing for him, he's gutted he missed some of it due to COVID.
Go to the open day, if you can, your son will get a gut feeling whether it's for him or not, and so will you.

I viewed Durham 20 years ago when I was looking at Unicersity options and was put off because it did seem quite snobbish to me. I viewed St Chads College and there seemed to be quite a lot of variation in intake and attitudes between colleges.

@EndoplasmicReticulum

"rah" is from the noise that the posh students make in groups. Think Boris and his pals at uni.

I went to Bristol (some time ago) it was similar there, but the posh students didn't tend to study science, so we had a better mix of backgrounds.

Is there an opposite of this in groups of non posh students?

@CorianderBee

Isn't there an issue with lad/rape culture there? Or is that somewhere else and I'm getting mixed up?

I was coming in to say I would discourage it because of this and the drug use here. It’s awful. Being a resident around it is awful too.

Oh and I didn't think I would fit in because I lived in a poor area. Parents were both in working class jobs. But actually you can bond cross classes and you get a great deal of life experiences. Definitely don't be put off by class stereotypes.

Don't let your prejudices get in the way of your son getting a top quality education.

Rah= rich arse hole.

Durham grad married to a Durham grad here. Both northern, first generation middle class (as in, our grandparents definitely weren’t). Yes there were rich people. Yes I learned more about public schools and snob factor and the right shade of pashmina (it was 1999) and class prejudice and ignorance and the sheer smoothness that enough money and connections brings you BUT I also had a fantastic time, found my tribe and adores living there.

Don’t let him put him off.

I wouldn't say that was a reason to avoid Durham. There is a "rah" contingent but they can be largely ignored (although some actually became good friends tbh!. They aren't universally awful and I would nip that kind of reverse snobbery in the bud)

I would say, the bigger question is whether he wants the almost campus like experience or whether he would prefer a big city. I had friends from London etc who despaired of how provincial Durham was. Whereas for me it was the perfect progression from a childhood in a small village. (And we had Newcastle if we wanted a big city night out) .

It is a beautiful city to live in and I had excellent tuition and lecturers

We viewed Castle college and compared to Collingwood, it was like a different university.

I think that was Warwick.

It was both (and many more) universities. Warwick had the group chat scandal, Durham had the male students betting on who could sleep with the poorest girl.

Unfortunately there are male students like this on every campus. I doubt it's going to get better anytime soon, either, given the state of the internet and social media.

Yes Durham is a small, safe and beautiful city. Great place for first semi independence.

It's only one if five choices, just applying is no commitment. If he gets an offer that's when he can decide.
Sadly this year he won't get chance to try it out. My DS had an offer from Durham a few years ago and was able to go and stay overnight on a taster day. He hated it and went elsewhere. Perhaps he would have enjoyed it if he had gone but he was very happy with his eventual choice.

If he has the potential grades for Durham he has them for Oxbridge, suggest Oxford or Cambridge to your DH as an alternative

I know some Durham graduates and they all loved it there and are just normal intellegent middle class people. One is from a working class background but very intelligent. Not 'rah' at all.

York is considered a bit 'rah', but the people I know who went there seem perfectly normal but intelligent.