To not let DH talk DS out of applying to Durham Uni?

[cruddled]

I grew up local to Durham University but never considered applying back in the late eighties because I had a stereotyped view of it as being 'posh' and filled with 'Oxbridge rejects' from private schools. Whether or not it was true at the time, it was certainly a widespread view. My DH grew up in Yorkshire and had the same negative opinion of it. We were both first-generation university applicants and both ended up at other Russell Group universities in the north of England, then moved to Greater London for work, which is where we met and have lived ever since.

Now our DS1 in year 12 is thinking of putting Durham as one of his UCAS choices and seems quite keen on the idea. DH is less keen and has privately suggested we talk him out of it, but only because of his past prejudice. I disagree. I know there was a very negative story in the news recently because some students certainly did live up to the stereotype (www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/north-east-durham-university-students-19131519), but I'm generous enough to assume they are in the minority and that the university has otherwise moved on a bit.

Please tell me I'm right and that Durham is now at least comparable with other 'top' universities for inclusivity.

Point taken - but how will they start to behave better if no-one tells them they are being arses? They don’t even know-they think it’s normal to say “what school did you go to” and to make jokes about being “poor” or having an “accent”? Most of them are fine if you get them out of that awful culture - just insecure.

“Alternatively the University could get its arse in gear and educate the Rahs not to be such arses

Good luck with that when their schools have spent 13 years teaching them to be that way!“

Whatever the issue, Durham or otherwise, you shouldn't try to talk him out of it. It's his choice. If he later decides he's made. A bad choice, he can change it. First steps into adulthood

Some of the experiences mentioned on here are awful. I’ve relayed them to DD who is just as shocked. She’s there right now and doesn’t recognise it. If anything it’s almost reversed with some of her well heeled friends hiding their wealth and background for fear of ridicule, which is just as bad. I’m so impressed that she doesn’t feel inferior and takes judges others on the content of their character and not just by their background. Proud mum.

She sounds mature and well brought up. Deserved proud mum moment.

I hope my son is the same.

I’m shocked too! And it’s really making me question my experience re whether I was just lucky or not....! It’s sad.

I’ll have to relive my klute memories to cheer myself up!

Ha ha I hear Klute is as bad as ever.I joked with DD that perhaps they’ll use this closure period to refurb but maybe it wouldn’t be the same. I hear other clubs mentioned and they do go to Newcastle for big nights and go on the train quite cheaply.

Yeah the last train back from Newcastle was at something like 2.30am so worth it for a change!

Nothing beats klute though. I’ve got a klute t shirt somewhere

I remember the handrail on the stairs in Klute being really rickety?

And the ceiling condensation - not so much dripping down your neck but more into your drink 🤢

Ah Klute - so many good/bad memories. Doesn't sound like it's changed since 2001!

I graduated from Durham in 2012 - I went to your average comprehensive school and am from the North east in a "normal", non posh family and I had a great time at Durham uni. I made friends, worked hard and ultimately got a degree from a great university. Whether or not other people there were mega posh or not is irrelevant. Its your sons decision where he wants to go. Don't make him resent you because you force him to do what makes you and your husband happy based on past views

Tricky one. Depends where else he has applied to. I went to Durham (University College) many moons ago - redshoes75 - I may have been there at the same time as you? I recall a big contingent of young men who were the opposite of rahs who called themselves the ‘footie block vote’!! I went to a state grammar and I think I’d led quite a sheltered life. I recall one privately educated girl shouting v loudly about where her trunk was???? I later realised that if you had gone to a private boarding school you had a trunk with all your clothes etc in it - I just had a suitcase!!!! Academically it has a great reputation. I wouldn’t be unhappy if my children went there but I’d advise your son to carefully choose the right college so he could find his tribe. I enjoyed it but it did get claustrophobic as it is such a small city and it felt like everyone knew your business. 8 week terms felt v long!!!

Went there, admittedly over 10 years ago, so I’m out of date

But I have to say the stuff in this article (fairly recent) is very much what I remember:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2018/jun/29/students-durham-university-blame-council-selfish

I wouldn’t go again given the choice - never felt I fitted in, the place is too small and I think I would have been happier elsewhere

Very much depends what college you pick

Oh yep Klute

On a different note, THERE'S ONLY ONE AIDAN'S COLLEGE, THERE'S ONLY ONE AIDAN'S COLLEGE, WALKING ALONG, SINGING OUR SONG, WALKING IN AN AIDAN'S WONDERLAND

I raise you one Aidan's College but four Aidans marriages and eight Aidan's children.

College aside, our group from Durham is still very close and we all had a great time. Yes, there are plenty of people from private schools and /or wealthy backgrounds. But I never found it an issue, people from all backgrounds got on well and I didn't find it cliquey or snobbish.

My son is looking at his uni choices and I'd love him to go to Durham as the college sport was fantastic and I liked the colleges in a city set up. But, equally, he's free to choose wherever he likes best (currently Exeter). I will say that Durham is bloody cold though and the nightclubs are rubbish!

There are rahs at every top university. If you decide to avoid universities for that reason you'd be excluding - Durham, Exeter, Edinburgh, Warwick, Bristol, St Andrews, Newcastle, Manchester, Liverpool... and more.

I went to Durham and had friends who went to Newcastle- their stories about groups of posh students living separately in accommodation blocks were a lot worse than any of my experiences at Durham.

It depends who you form a friendship group with and what you get out of the experience. By the nature of the reputation of these universities you'll get lots of public school educated, upper middle class students. It can't be avoided! (And imo it shouldn't be- it was a real window on the world for me).

My brother was at Aidans (hill college)- he had a brilliant time. Made great friends who are all still in touch 19 years later. All very down to earth, great bunch. Such a nice supportive friendly place
They did talk about the rahs at some of the Bailey colleges.

I graduated from Durham in 2006 and worked in the bars for a year afterwards while I worked out what I wanted to do with my life. Worked in the Swan and Three, the Hog's Head, Klute... Was the best year if my life. I went to a hill college and found plenty of great friends from different backgrounds. The rah presence was everywhere though. When I worked in the bars, I soon observed that they were often the most appallingly behaved with no idea how to behave. I would wholeheartedly recommend Durham though. I wish I could go back and do it all again!

@CremeEggThief ooh, I wonder if we know each other? My Y13 son is at one of the Durham comprehensives, though not the one everyone thinks of as "the best" , the Other One.

Well even if we don't, our DSs probably do know each other, @merryhouse.

@Ingles2

I've had to come on and post, because I'm astounded at some of the nonsense that's been posted on this thread! I have a son who is a 2nd yr studying Maths and Physics... firstly, you'll be blooming lucky to be offered a place and make the grade to even get to Durham! ds2 need 2 A* and 2 A yes, of course there are "rah's" there are people from the "best public" schools at all the best uni's, see St Andrew's, Warwick, York, Bristol etc.. you don't need to socialise with them if you don't want to! You don't have to be in a Bailey or a Hill college and wear a gown.. DS is in Hild Bede, it's on the river, it's full of "ordinary" people and they wear a gown twice in the entire time they're there! Yes, college is fully catered... but the uni gives big bursaries to students from lower income families! Ds2 fully inclusive fees are less than 5K a year! and yes that does include all food.. I can also make a direct comparison with my other son who is at Loughborough uni.. feel free to ask if you have any questions.

Thats not true. Hild Bede catered accommodation is £8100 for the year. The Durham grant is £2000

And this thread is ZOMBIE.

Where your DS chooses to go to Uni has got bugger all to do with you or your DH, to be honest. Maybe focus on the best course/options for him personally, rather than your own prejudiced/historical views?