To not let DH talk DS out of applying to Durham Uni?

[cruddled]

I grew up local to Durham University but never considered applying back in the late eighties because I had a stereotyped view of it as being 'posh' and filled with 'Oxbridge rejects' from private schools. Whether or not it was true at the time, it was certainly a widespread view. My DH grew up in Yorkshire and had the same negative opinion of it. We were both first-generation university applicants and both ended up at other Russell Group universities in the north of England, then moved to Greater London for work, which is where we met and have lived ever since.

Now our DS1 in year 12 is thinking of putting Durham as one of his UCAS choices and seems quite keen on the idea. DH is less keen and has privately suggested we talk him out of it, but only because of his past prejudice. I disagree. I know there was a very negative story in the news recently because some students certainly did live up to the stereotype (www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/north-east-durham-university-students-19131519), but I'm generous enough to assume they are in the minority and that the university has otherwise moved on a bit.

Please tell me I'm right and that Durham is now at least comparable with other 'top' universities for inclusivity.

I worked for a while with a woman who had gone to Durham, she never bought a drink because the other students knew she was 'poor'.

I think one problem with widening diversity is that the reputation of a uni puts off applicants who would widen diversity.

It might be worth your ds looking at financial incentives from various universities.

I went to Durham. I have a modest background, no private school.

I hated every second and found that it was full of horrible arrogant private school toffs.

I graduated about 10 years ago if that helps

Surely it’s about what uni is offering the course he wants to do.

Identify the course then decide on the university’s he want to apply to.

It’s definitely your sons decision, not your husbands. I’m guessing being that you’re from that way, you probably still have family local which may help make the transition from home to uni easier for your son.

Gin and tonic on it- I’m so sorry that was your experience. It definitely wasn’t mine. I actively avoided those people - maybe it depends whether you’re lucky enough you meet people like you.

Fruggalo- I went to aidans - so I was very fit (all the hills!).

Loving the stick to the floor at klute comment! Rixies hasn’t been mentioned yet.....oh those Wednesday nights drinking Wicked

Also - coming from a recent student - it is your son's choice, but I think you do have to factor whether your parents are happy to do the long drive to pick you up if you're expecting lifts to and from (a reasonable question IMO). I purposely limited my uni search to a couple of hours from home because if I was ill or something I knew I could ask to be picked up.
Not necessarily relevant here but just a thought for those saying it's nothing to do with the parents.

I was a first generation uni attended who grew up in a council flat on benefits, had absolutely no idea about uni choice and just picked them on a whim. Ditto joining clubs when I got there as I hadn't been sporty so just picked blindly in freshers week and ended up being a cox for the rowing club, which was absolutely dripping with Rah types. I found some of them hilarious and some absolutely lovely, and had a great time. I also made lots of friends from all sorts of backgrounds on my course, in halls, etc.

It's a time on mingling and experimentation. Going there with no expectations or prejudices really helped me make a huge network of friends and I never found my impoverished background (and no parental support) held me back at all.

Sorry for the typos, bleary morning eyes!

Worked at Durham. Certainly lacks diversity as a uni and a town, but has many advantages. Academically excellent, unusually.good pastoral.provision thanks to colleges, pretty, safe, small. A popular second choice and certainly in the support side staff deal with the fallout.of.not getting into.Oxbridge a disappointing amount... It seems to dog the enjoyment of Durham for many students who were under parental/school pressure to get in. Many advantages if he doesn't need a big party city. Avoid Bailey colleges which replicate aspects of Oxbridge and are.very popular with the rah crowd. He'll find many 'normal' students. As for sexual violence, Durham has become sector-leading in its.policies and reporting, and does a better job of dealing with those issues than Warwick famously did. Relative at York was surprised to.find herself surrounded by wealthy southern private-school students so that can happen anywhere with a decent academic.reputation. Maybe try to stay out of.it.and let him choose.

IMO, one of the reasons that Durham has kept this ‘posh’ reputation above other unis is the exorbitant cost of first year accommodation

I think this is part of it too. It would take quite a chunk of any maintenance loan. Ds1 is year 13, has an offer from Durham plus 3 other RG unis and is waiting to hear from Cambridge at the end of the month. We live in Yorkshire, both Dh and I went to uni.

Durham is just one university in the top 20, if you have done well at school which may have been aided by attending a fee paying school then of course you will be applying to a top university. There will be privileged students at lots of universities. There were at mine and it wasn't even a great uni

I think there is a massive difference between those who come from wealthy families and those who are condescending because they come from wealthy families. I also think that students need to remember that everyone who gets into Durham got there on their own merit.

My DD has an offer from Durham and it’s likely to be her first choice.
I was a bit worried reading some of the earlier posts on here but the later ones are more reassuring.
DD is disgruntled people will assume she is an Oxbrige reject (she’s not).
She is going with an open mind about the social mix - we are poor northern folk, but she has no bias against background and is hoping for the best experience possible.
She has applied to St Chad’s but is aware this may not be secure.

Rahs are people too!

Seriously, I went to Durham and aside from the "what school were you at" question - somewhat hilarious when you went to a shit comprehensive no-one has ever heard of - it's fine. I loved it despite going to a Bailey college with lots of privately educated types. People who are still some of my best friends 30 years later. I didn't apply to Oxbridge. It's a much bigger uni now than it was back then too.

I didn’t apply to oxbridge either- I didn't like the feel of it as much.

Also second the friends comment- my uni friends are some of my best pals even now and I graduated 20 years ago.

God I’m getting old!

“Seriously, I went to Durham and aside from the "what school were you at" question - somewhat hilarious when you went to a shit comprehensive no-one has ever heard of - it's fine”

Trouble is when you are 19 you (unless you are very mature) don’t have the guts to just name your school then stop talking.
As soon as you acknowledge that their experience is somehow more colourful/more important/more memorable - that it’s your job to know their school’s name but not theirs to know yours- then you are going down a not-very-healthy path.
I have a posh neighbour who continually regales us with stories of his boarding school days but never asks me or his wife about ours. I called him out on it - because I’m not 19 any more.....
And the Uni doesn’t seem interested in addressing this.

Bobcat your post is useful, thanks.

.....just the fact you used the term “shit comprehensive no-one has heard of”

...would make me wonder if you’d been to Durham.

Trying to talk DS out of it may simply make him more determined and put him under undue pressure. Life is pressured enough for him at the mo - lockdown, studying etc. He has to make his own choice.

Some universities are particularly strong in certain courses so encourage him to look at course content wherever it may be. The Uniguide (part of The Student Room) may be helpful. Good luck to him!

@Justiceishalfblind

.....just the fact you used the term “shit comprehensive no-one has heard of”

...would make me wonder if you’d been to Durham.

I went to a shit comprehensive and went to Durham, as did my DH.

In fact we both went to the same shit comprehensive, so we could at least swap wat stories.

Does that help?

It’s crazy how some people get a chip on their shoulder that doesn’t just last their entire lives but also affect the lives of their kids? It’s such a weird phenomenon. And it’s really sad too.

Durham uni was inclusive 20 years ago when my DSis met her boyfriend there - he had grown up on a council estate and both parents were unemployed and on benefits... what’s your point?

"..just the fact you used the term “shit comprehensive no-one has heard of”

...would make me wonder if you’d been to Durham."

Would it? Why's that then? You think I'd make up which Uni I went to? You think my Comp was outstanding? Pahahaha.

In fact the point I was making is that at the time, it was a place where lots of students had been to independent schools and thought it was a normal question to ask another person by way of small talk. Going to University is an education in more ways than one though isn't it. Some people who have lived a somewhat rarified life learn that not everyone is from the same background, and that guess what - it doesn't matter. And that maybe they need to think of more interesting conversation starters.

I never once felt "less-than" because I was not privately educated. I never felt judged either , but I always think it's slightly awkward when people have made an incorrect assumption about you and you have to set them straight - whatever it's about.

My DD is at Durham, she says there definitely is a "rah" culture in places but it's cliquey so can be avoided. Also much less diverse than other unis in terms of race, if that's important to you. She's got friends from a wide variety of backgrounds and nationalities though, definitely not all posh. Next year she is sharing a house with french, Israeli, Chinese and British students.

By the way colleges are randomly allocated now, not sure you can choose. I think that was done to try and break down the rah culture in some of the older colleges.

I went in the mid-nineties, from a below-average comprehensive school and on a full grant. I had a brilliant time - it very much opened my eyes to the world :-) I was also very sporty and made full use of all the opportunities there.

If you try and discourage him from going to a uni with rahs you’d be knocking out most of the top tier universities. People tend to find their tribe and there are thousands of students.

People also need to get over the ‘full of oxbridge rejects’ thing. It generally means it’s a uni full of bright people that got good grades. There are many factors that can influence oxbridge admission and there are many, many people who don’t get in that easily could have done.