To not let DH talk DS out of applying to Durham Uni?

[cruddled]

I grew up local to Durham University but never considered applying back in the late eighties because I had a stereotyped view of it as being 'posh' and filled with 'Oxbridge rejects' from private schools. Whether or not it was true at the time, it was certainly a widespread view. My DH grew up in Yorkshire and had the same negative opinion of it. We were both first-generation university applicants and both ended up at other Russell Group universities in the north of England, then moved to Greater London for work, which is where we met and have lived ever since.

Now our DS1 in year 12 is thinking of putting Durham as one of his UCAS choices and seems quite keen on the idea. DH is less keen and has privately suggested we talk him out of it, but only because of his past prejudice. I disagree. I know there was a very negative story in the news recently because some students certainly did live up to the stereotype (www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/north-east-durham-university-students-19131519), but I'm generous enough to assume they are in the minority and that the university has otherwise moved on a bit.

Please tell me I'm right and that Durham is now at least comparable with other 'top' universities for inclusivity.

@Student133

-I'm a current student at another red brick, there are 'rah' people everywhere, though Durham is slightly more like this plenty of friends enjoy it greatly. Just be aware Durham has little in the way of night life, so just make sure your son knows the difference in experience he will get between Durham and Newcastle, say.-

How very dare you, Klute is the absolute pinnacle of nightlife! 😁

I'm state school background, East London raised (pre gentrification....) and I loved it. Really enjoyed the collegiate system have lifelong friends from all walks of life and I went to a bailey college. Officially everyone hates Hatfield because of that stereotype (there are songs) but it's no different there to other colleges, that wasn't the one I went to btw. I did take to wearing a pashmina for a while but in my defence it's very cold up there!

@Gwenhwyfar I was there at the same time as your friend, you have to wear gowns for formal meals at some colleges, the rest is lazy hyperbole.

I think there should be minimal interference by parents in their children's choice of university.

But at the moment I just cannot see the point of "going to" university as you can't sit exams for entry, and don't actually go- just stay at home and pay massive fees, and even rent for unused accommodation to the college.

[quote KarlKennedysDurianFruit]@Gwenhwyfar I was there at the same time as your friend, you have to wear gowns for formal meals at some colleges, the rest is lazy hyperbole.[/quote]
What do you mean the rest? My friend wasn't exaggerating.

I regret having gone there - I was plonked into the maximum “rah” environment and not mature/confident enough to get it in perspective. I tried to fit in with them and be one of them.......

My son has now applied and I steered him towards Grey College as its website pitch conveyed a strong “we’re normal here” message. I hope that was a smart move.

One of our peers became a professor there - he says it’s as bad as ever.

My concern would be that it's such a tiny place that they'd just be bored. I've been to villages which are larger than Durham. It's very pretty but I can't imagine spending more than a weekend there.

@Gwenhwyfar people just walking around wearing gowns like it's school uniform. Nonsense. Suits some to perpetuate that stereotype though.

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit oh yes its basically Vegas

Choose a hill college. No formals, just fancy dress.

I'm not sure what is so awful about going to university with people who are privileged. It doesn't make them awful. In fact, often, the contrary - they can afford to be kind and generous, literally. And surely part of the point of university is to meet people from a cross section of society and thus widen one's horizon?

Absolutely @puffykins DD has corrected my stereotypes often. Reverse snobbery is just as bad.

I too grew up just outside Durham City and had all the received wisdom you refer to. I think my concern now, having lived and raised kids in London (zone 2 so maybe more urban, less suburban than you) is it might feel very quiet after London. I love Durham now and I’m middle aged and v dull but even I’m not dull enough for Durham, it’s not great culturally and the local population is not as diverse as your child may be used to. If they are used to being in walking distance of art house cinemas and great ethnic food, it’ll be a shock. Newcastle is a way away and a pain to get home from after a night out, the trains stop really early (or always used to) and although you can share a taxi it soon adds up.
But it’s all subjective, where I live is a lot of peoples idea of hell (mine too, sometimes) so it’s down to what your son wants and what sort of thing he likes. Durham is beautiful, the campus round the colleges seems quiet and well kept, the people are friendly (cliche I know but true, my kids remark on it) and there are lovely pubs and fantastic walking, beaches etc - and it’s got a good academic reputation. Just don’t expect to find hand pulled Xian noodles in a hurry.
Also, don’t get your eats pierced down Durham market, mine are well wonky

@SleepingStandingUp

Are you sure he'd stick out as much as you feel you would have thought? You were Northern first generation WC. He's from London, not first generation, more likely WC.

This is exactly what I was going to say, your son is not working class and may well have been one of those students you would’ve considered ‘a bit posh’.

My “friends” spent a Friday night walking through back gardens throwing £5 notes down and shouting “we’ve got lots of money!”

That was Normal behaviour in my college.

It's a great uni. Also recommend hill colleges. My husband went there and I went to Newcastle. We were both from Cheshire. I did apply to Durham but my course was only at the Stockton campus so I chose not to go there.

I don't know if any of his uni friends applied to oxbridge too or not, but I know they are all still friends now. The college system is great for socialising and making friends. Something I wished they had at Newcastle.

PS I was first gen uni and went to a different collegiate uni and had awful culture shock but found my groove in the end and had a great time. I guess it’s like picking schools, they all have pluses and minuses, there’s no right and wrong but it should be where your son wants to be.
Good luck!

Leave it to your DS. By all means mention it, that's reasonable, but then shut up and back out. It's got a very good academic reputation, lovely town, I know several kids who went there and enjoyed it - non posh.

They have to put something like 5 uni's down for the first round so it's not his final choice.

Whatever it is like you have to let him make his own choice I think.

I went to Durham in the late 90s. I went to a comprehensive school in South Yorkshire so as far from rah as is possible to get. Yes there were rahs there but I found my people- other totally normal people.

Top tip would be to apply for a hill college/ the rahs tend to go to the Bailey colleges.

I loved the college feel- I have absolutely no regrets and Can’t imagine going anywhere else. PM me if you want to talk more.

I was at Trevs from 1997-2001 and absolutely loved it. Even in the hill colleges there were people from rich backgrounds (I remember my incredulity when someone mentioned the east wing of her house, and standing in the queue in the bank three weeks into term and eavesdropping on the person behind as they rang their parents to arrange for their overdraft of several thousand pounds to be paid off) but I found my crowd very quickly and had a fantastic four years.

One of my best friends was a local who went to Cuths but he lived out and spent more time in my college than his own! He and his wife both work at the university 20 years on.

I went to a private school in London - academic rather than posh - and had I not gone to university in the States (I am American and my parents were moving back there. This was in 1988 before the big wave of people going to university in the States), I would have gone to Bristol, with Durham as my second choice. My husband is from Manchester and went to Birmingham. It was only very recently that he mentioned, as if everyone knew, as it seems they do, that Bristol and Durham were seen as a place for posh oxbridge rejects. I was a little taken aback. It seems not enough of a reason to avoid what is apparently a very good university. I’m glad to hear that people have had a good experience of it without coming from a posh background.

I'm from a town in the north, state school back ground and went to a 'rah' college at Durham in the mid noughties. Found some of the 'formal dinners' quite amusing as there were all sorts of weird practices but if you're open minded to the odd idiosyncrasy I would say it is pretty similar to every other uni of that ilk. Not once was anyone sexually inappropriate and it felt very safe. My best mates are still the friends I made there.

Late night reader- you were there the same time as me!! Happy days!

Graduated in 2002, it was very rah. I got 4 As at A level and because I had an accent I was told 'it was good they let people like you in now'. Still had a good time but I think i might have found more friends in common if I'd gone somewhere else. However that was 20 years ago now!