To not let DH talk DS out of applying to Durham Uni?

[cruddled]

I grew up local to Durham University but never considered applying back in the late eighties because I had a stereotyped view of it as being 'posh' and filled with 'Oxbridge rejects' from private schools. Whether or not it was true at the time, it was certainly a widespread view. My DH grew up in Yorkshire and had the same negative opinion of it. We were both first-generation university applicants and both ended up at other Russell Group universities in the north of England, then moved to Greater London for work, which is where we met and have lived ever since.

Now our DS1 in year 12 is thinking of putting Durham as one of his UCAS choices and seems quite keen on the idea. DH is less keen and has privately suggested we talk him out of it, but only because of his past prejudice. I disagree. I know there was a very negative story in the news recently because some students certainly did live up to the stereotype (www.chroniclelive.co.uk/news/north-east-news/north-east-durham-university-students-19131519), but I'm generous enough to assume they are in the minority and that the university has otherwise moved on a bit.

Please tell me I'm right and that Durham is now at least comparable with other 'top' universities for inclusivity.

I went to Durham (not a hill college) because I got in and felt like I ‘should’ go, rather than my less prestigious, natural choice. I made some good friends, but it wasn’t a natural fit (Grammar school girl, surrounded by Rahs) and I was ultimately very unhappy. It certainly wasn’t the ‘time of my life’ others describe. I guess it depends on your DC’s personality and robustness. No one should talk someone in, or out, of such a big decision, ultimately.

In terms of demographics, the really noticeable thing about Durham compared to my previous universities is the massive number of Chinese students. Although the percentage of overseas students overall is similar to a lot of places in the UK, the really striking thing about Durham is the huge proportion of the overseas students who are Chinese. Apart from that there's a mix of rahs and people from more ordinary backgrounds, as in most of the unis I've been to, but people with decent social skills are generally able to fit in and make good friends, as anywhere.

More importantly, I'd look at things like the collegiate environment, the nightlife (if that interests him - Durham is a very small city compared to a lot of university towns), and obviously the actual structure of the course he wants to study as these vary widely between unis.

I think the choice is up to your DS, and it isn't on for your DH to try to talk him out of anything.

DD1 has a friend who is at Durham - not from a posh background at all, from a single parent family (like mine), deprived town, normal comprehensive. She's doing fine (though obviously not there now because pandemic).

It has a reputation as a wonderful university, and you would have to be very lucky to get in there. Not wanting to apply somewhere because you view it as posh is absolutely ridiculous. Will you also be disowning your child if they vote conservative? Would you prefer they go to University of East London because it has more oiks and not so posh? Do you honestly believe that a uni elsewhere would have better types of boys? I live in a council estate in east london and would move heaven and earth for one of my boys to be confident enough to apply to Durham or any other good university. And I promise you, the boys around here of course aren't posh but they can be just as disgusting to girls as you insinuate that posh boys can be. I think your husband needs to check his privilege. And your son needs to learn to live and deal with people of all walks of life.

I applied to Durham and went up, stayed overnight before my interview. It really put me off and I did not choose it as my first or second choice.

I would let him go there and see for himself. It also depends on the course and whether he likes it.

DD is at Durham and doesn't find that. They also seem to generally have been sensible over Covid, which is a big plus from me.

Other unis (like Bristol for example) I know people who have said there is definitely a contingent of that sort of person; I suspect you can get them at most places and it may depend on where you are housed/who you meet/your year as to whether it is an issue or not.

I think you are both too invested tbh, it's his choice and absolutely nothing to do with either of you.
Talk about stifling.

Yes it has a lot of rahs. It has a lot of pompous idiots who think they are better than everyone else. But I do think things are gradually changing, colleges are more randomly allocated now which helps with the Hill and Bailey thing, and there have been a few new colleges and the move of the colleges from the Stockton campus so there has been a change.

And anyway, it is a big uni and the Rahs are not the only people there. There are advantages too. The colleges mean there are lots of smaller sports tasks for example so lots of opportunity to get involved on a more relaxed level than uni team support. Ditto orchestras, choirs and theatre. Lots of scope to do lots of things and meet different people. I went there and although I was in one of the most rah colleges there is I met a good group and we are still friends many years later. Also made lots of friends in the scout and guide society and volunteering meant I had links with the city not just the uni. I still live local to Durham.

I graduated from Durham about 20 years ago and am still good friends with a handful of people I met there. I wasn't in the in crowd (never have been) or the rah crowd (wouldn't want to be) but had some of the best years of my life there. State school, WC background - although I don't think I met many like me!
One thing I noticed was that my friends were/are from my college rather than my course. Don't think I made any buddies there but that could just be me!

I'm actually a student representative and outreach ambassador at my current university, so if any if you have questions feel free to private message me.

@YoniAndGuy

Your DH shouldn't even be considering trying to 'talk him out' of applying ANYWHERE.

This.

I went to Durham in 2000 and hated it because it was full of supremely posh people called Henry and you had to wear gowns. It might be different now but I certainly found it to be full of toffs.

I’d be furious if my DH tried to limit the opportunities of our children based on his own prejudices.

@MerryMarigold

I applied to Durham and went up, stayed overnight before my interview. It really put me off and I did not choose it as my first or second choice.

I would let him go there and see for himself. It also depends on the course and whether he likes it.

Happened to me too, but fortunately it only put me off that college, and I chose a hill college instead and had a wonderful time. Academically challenged, tried lots of sports, an amazing social life and friends for life. I couldn't have asked for more.

Please encourage your DH to back off. It's your son's choice.

If you have family still nearby might be nice - he might be considered Rah if he hasn’t got northeast accent.

"I was at Durham 1990 - 1993 - there was definitely a significant public school contingent but it was already starting to become more diverse."

Really? My friend was there around 2000 and it was so full of former public school pupils that she said some of them walked around in their gowns.
Imagine anyone from a normal school wearing their school uniform at university!
One of them told her her accent was 'quaint'.

I went to Durham and it was fine.

On a different note, THERE'S ONLY ONE AIDAN'S COLLEGE, THERE'S ONLY ONE AIDAN'S COLLEGE, WALKING ALONG, SINGING OUR SONG, WALKING IN AN AIDAN'S WONDERLAND

@GypsyLee

I think you are both too invested tbh, it's his choice and absolutely nothing to do with either of you. Talk about stifling.

Is he paying his own maintenance costs then?

Used to work there. There is a fairly thick seam of that element. There are also people who are the opposite, some of whom consciously try to counter it. It can make for choppy waters at times.

Some people thrive on countering that kind of thing, some people don’t. I think it’s important to take that into account.

You don’t get to chose whether or not you have battles in life, but you do get to pick your battles.

As a Collegiate University Durham is an excellent choice. Colleges allow a good proportion of students to live in for at least two of the three years and this will save your son a significant amount of money. Your son will manage to chose his own friends and his choice should be about where will give him the best possible teaching opportunities within his subject. The Hill Colleges are slightly less traditional but the College experience is really designed to make study easier. If your son wants to break into the top echelons of most professions he will come up against so called Rahs! Better to mix widely and be socially confident which is basically what University should help him.to learn. I hope he applies and wish him well.

There seem to be some real issues of inclusivity at Durham, especially if you are Northern or not white British. The link is to an article in the Guardian from October. Having said that the three people I know who were there are lovely down to earth people but I probably wouldn't mix with the type of people who weren't nice and down to earth.

www.theguardian.com/education/2020/oct/19/students-from-northern-england-facing-toxic-attitude-at-durham-university

@CorianderBee

Isn't there an issue with lad/rape culture there? Or is that somewhere else and I'm getting mixed up?

You are correct. Durham Uni has always been known as a place for upper class boys. Earlier this year, it was leaked on social media (and therefore the Press) that a large number of rich boys planned to date rape the “poorest girl.” Durham Uni didn’t publicly apologise or make the decision to exclude these students. The university got a bad rep for only making a decision to speak out once they were blasted on social media.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8713083/amp/Posh-lads-Durham-University-planned-competition-sex-poorest-girl-campus.html

*last year not this year😂

I was there studying for an MA in 2005 and it was indeed very "rah".