How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

[joystir59]

The strongest simplest thing is to be honest and say on reflection you aren't comfortable with her visiting due to the covid laws. Just be honest!

[joystir59]

Time to put your big girl knickers on!

[ihatetrump]

You could claim that a neighbour has been reported (you think) and so don't want to take that chance. Along with the other reasons given by others.

[vminkookie]

She sounds delightful.

She can't spend a couple of days entertaining herself? I love for time alone!

Tell her no way and who cares if she falls out with you as she sounds far too much like hard work to bother!

[herechickchickchickchick]

Or just say you're not feeling well and went to get a covid test ....

[daisychain01]

@Shudawuda

Why is everyone helping with over complicated “excuses”. That’s how these princess like arseholes get away with bad behaviour because they never get called out on it!

Seriously fuck her off, and him if necessary if he can’t just do his actual job.

God,mabsolutely this.

This woman is nothing to you OP, just tell her you have retracted your invitation, we're in lockdown so she needs to stay away, sorry.

Don't get tied up in explaining yourself. As Kate Moss said

Don't complain, don't explain

[Chocomel]

@maddening

Tell her to wrap warm so you can do a mega walk as obviously you can't stay in the house with the lockdown. Say you have got a flask packed and you are looking forward to a good walk and catch up while her dp is working.

I'd absolutely do this. I had friends come to town from far away over new year and they were really hinting at an invite to come around for The Bells. I kept suggesting a walk and they eventually 'forgot' to get back to me and we didn't meet up in the end. Shame. 🤔

[Darbs76]

Cancel and say you’re both isolating. And don’t rebook. Shocking that people are breaching rules like this. Sad that an adult can’t stay home alone whilst their partner is working. You really need to follow the rules as the deaths are rising fast and we are in a real mess and this kind of attitude doesn’t hell

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

Definitely do the walk. Text her first to let her know the route and how long it’ll take, ....hopefully she’ll also gate the idea of being out in the cold
When she texts back WTF you can say that it’s against the rules to meet inside and you don’t want a fine or get her boyfriend in trouble for bringing her etc.

[Plasticfish]

I'm sorry to be so blunt but if it's bothering you this much you've got to get a backbone and tell her you don't want her to come.

This woman sounds a bloody nightmare. Is she 5 years old?!

[Bettysnow]

I would tell her you weren't thinking and due to lockdown she can't come. Certainly she will "kick off" as she calls it and thats exactly the result you want as likely she will stop speaking to you. Brilliant! Job done! Ignore her forever and enjoy your life!

[Purpleflashingunicorn]

If your just looking for a way out then if it was me I would use one of the following

We’ve just found out that one of our neighbours reported two others for breaking lockdown and we can’t risk the same happening to us and their obviously watching out

We’ve just gotten a fine through the post for breaking lockdown one of my neighbours must have reported us and I can’t risk that happening again hope you understand

[Rainallnight]

I’m with @Plasticfish. She sounds like she’s five, not a proper grown up woman. What kind of person can’t spend the day alone when their DP is working? And threatens to kick off like that?

I genuinely can’t fathom that people like that exist.

And as for her Facebook friends, that sort of carry on makes me livid when lots of us are making such a fucking effort with lockdown and people who work in hospitals are on their knees.

[GlitterBiscuits]

"Kick off" - she's no friend!

Message her and say please bring wellies and warm clothes as we are no allowed to mix households we will need to spend the day outside and so we can walk to xx and back.
Or we can wait until the rules are relaxed and catch up properly then.

But never catch up

[Pansypotter123]

She's not bothered about how she treats and speaks to you; you shouldn't be bothered about how you speak to her. Tell her straight - no she can't come and that you're no longer prepared to be bullied by her. No need for excuses. Block her on social media.

[Eggcorns]

Honestly, OP, you’d rather double the risk of being exposed to a potentially dangerous, highly-infectious disease than say ‘No’ to a bully you don’t even like or respect?

[Ruddyusernames]

She sounds appalling and very immature . Just say " Sorry, don't feel comfortable having friends round at moment. Your husband is welcome as he is doing work for us and it's allowed. Really sorry to change my mind but don't want to break the rules and we've stuck to them all along". Then get off Facebook. Not needed in your life . Not good for your mental health. Leave the Huns behind. Or , if you really can't be without it block her . Let your DH speak to his friend and reiterate what you've said. Then never speak to her again. What does your DH think about it all / her ?

[Shelby2010]

If the straight up ‘You can’t come’ is too stressful for you, how about:
‘I thought we could walk to xxx or would you prefer yyyy. Don’t forget to bring a flask - it’s going to be cold out!’
When she says wtf or equivalent? You reply with ‘Don’t be silly of course you can’t actually come in the house. DP would go mental if I suggested breaking lockdown. I thought you meant you were going to wait in the van. That’s why I suggested a walk.’

[torquewench]

FFS just tell her she cant come as it's against the law. Or just make her stand in your garden for the day. She's whining about not being able to see her DP for one day, not because she wants to catch up with you, OP. Make that clear to her if she does turn up. Id be spending the day doing my boring house jobs, not entertaing her. She wants to spend it with her DP. Then let her, if you feel you must. In the same room as him with no heat and no brews/snacks.

[Ruddyusernames]

I wouldn't suggest a walk or standing outside in case she takes you up.on it !! And then you might cave in when she arrives with her whingeing. It's not allowed . Simple . Think of the NHS.

[Propsneeded]

Having a 2 year old tantrum!

No she doesn't get to come over - it's lock down. Somebody be the adult please!

[mrsnibblesisahero]

I think just a sorry, realised I don't want to break rules kind of message is fine. I agree, don't look at FB!

[JamieFrasersSassenach]

I would send a text saying

"Hi pita, it was really good to chat to you the other day. I have been thinking about the arrangement we made for Saturday and I am going to have to postpone it until we are out of lockdown. I am not prepared to break the lockdown rules as I feel strongly that it is important I stick to them. I know you will understand and respect my views and thank you for your understanding, Love @freshmonth "

Do not apologise - none of this is your fault!! Just do it - you will feel so much better!

And so very sorry for your recent loss - I have been there and know just how painful it is

[Ruddyusernames]

@JamieFrasersSassenach

I would send a text saying

"Hi pita, it was really good to chat to you the other day. I have been thinking about the arrangement we made for Saturday and I am going to have to postpone it until we are out of lockdown. I am not prepared to break the lockdown rules as I feel strongly that it is important I stick to them. I know you will understand and respect my views and thank you for your understanding, Love *@freshmonth* "

Do not apologise - none of this is your fault!! Just do it - you will feel so much better!

And so very sorry for your recent loss - I have been there and know just how painful it is

This is v good. Just cut and paste ! And yes, so v sorry for your loss xx

[Tistheseason17]

So, OP - have you texted her? The longer you leave it the worse you'll look cancelling last minute.