How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

Ah, just realised you're not allowed to come over in lock down. Tradesmen only. Another time.'

That. Seriously. Don't embroider and don't grovel. Keep it really simple.

If you add anything at all don't let it be more than "Dammit - wasn't thinking - just realised...."

And don't let her persuade you.

Message her in the morning that you’ve just watched the news/spoken to neighbour/relative who works at the local hospital and suddenly realise how stupid you’ve been inviting her round. Her DH can come as he’s working and Covid secure but you are not having anyone round while it’s against the law. No need to elaborate any further.

Don't beat yourself up. Bulldozers like this just keep backing up and rolling forward until you give way. It's really hard to say no to them. They know that and they count on that.

But use one of the responses given on this thread, and end the misery. It sounds like you need rest, not stress.

Even if you rescind the invitation, she'll probably just turn up anyway if it's not forcefully put. I'm guessing you find her even more difficult to say "no" to in person, so you're probably buggered.

Does he take her to work every day?
Just say no. He's doing a paid job, not a favour - and why do you care about remaining friends with a woman you don't even like?
You sound scared of her. You're not back in the playground - she can't mug you for your dinner money - so stop being such a drip!

Just be honest. Works every time.

No guilt, no deception, no worries.

Say, I wasn’t thinking straight, we’re in National Lockdown, rules say no unnecessary contact. Your partner is permitted to work and has full PPE, but we can’t break the rules.

She may be lonely, she may be a drama queen, you may ‘never hear the end of it’, she may even convince her partner to not do the work after all.

It’s not your problem. You’re too busy being responsible and stopping others from catching Covid. Although personally I’d postpone the builder too until after lockdown, but appreciate people have to earn a living.

Get your Dh to speak to her Dh and he can tell her to stay at home.

[quote freshmonth]@BeanieB2020 thank you, I did consider doing that. The problem is the guy doing it for us has purchased the materials needed and fit to size so I'd feel awful 😞[/quote]
Reimburse him. It's better than getting COVID.

He's not a friend if he'd let her put you in this position.

@arethereanyleftatall

'Ah, just realised you're not allowed to come over in lock down. Tradesmen only. Another time.'

Or some such as other suggest

Do not buy into the dramas people create on fb, nor take it on board is she a child that can not stay home alone or fears of missing out.
It's your house and your health!

When she arrives hand her a face mask and let her spend the day with her partner - hopefully you didn’t specify that she would be entertained by you??!

Txt her saying you had mentioned to your dh that she was coming and he has gone mad about it, don’t want to row during lockdown. See her when it’s safe to do so.

She sounds like a nightmare!
No excuses needed. Get a back bone, tell her you’ve changed your mind due to Covid restrictions and then distance yourself. She’s not your friend, your partner’s are friends.

you sent that Text yet 😂

It’s simple. You just tell her you have been looking at the rules and sorry she can’t come. It’s up to her to discuss with her partner about working weekends

Hope she understands that you all have to follow lockdown rules, and will meet up once it’s all over

Ohhh OP this sounds hard. If it wasn’t for the work and DP friendship I would say sack her off but probably needs a bit more a gentle tone to keep the peace....for now. Is the work inside or outside?
If it’s outside you can tell her the plan is for them to stay outside all day and not come in, might put her off (honesty is probably the best policy here but I’m rubbish in these situations)

But first stop beating yourself up please, everyone makes mistakes and yours is a tiny one in the grand scheme. I probably would have done something similar and then be up all night too stressing and worrying. If isnt worth it but easier said than done when I’m not the one stressing.
How long have you been thinking about this in total today? Hours? Would you give them this time in face to face?

Is this every weekend until June?

Sorry I thought the work was lastingb5.5 months

Oh god. Delete her from F.B for a start.

Tricky situation but like others have said - tell her on reflection you feel uncomfortable and retract the offer. If she takes offence that’s her problem. And I agree, just block her and don’t engage. Way too much stress, especially with all you’re going through. You need to take care of yourself and your well-being, not worrying about having to entertain this attention seeker.
I’m sorry for your loss, take care xx

Sorry you're having to deal with this OP.

You've had some good responses about possible excuses you could make (e.g. neighbours reporting someone) or just being up front with her about it all.

It sounds like she has some serious issues with emotional security and abandonment. It's not normal to get so upset about a partner being away working.

I feel sorry for her but she's not the kind of person I would want to be spending a lot of time around tbh, and would suggest it may not be healthy for your own mental health especially after your recent loss. After the work is done perhaps you could consider gradually cutting down on contact with her.

Another thing is that it DOES make a difference her coming, even if they are both in the same household. By her coming she is doubling the potential for transmission and the number of extra bodies visiting the house, and also there's the possibility that she is carrying it and her partner is not. It's much better Covid-wise to just have one person than two, even if from the same household.

Tell her that when you mentioned that she was coming around to your DH, he 'kicked off' and said of course she can't come - Covid etc, so sorry, it's best if she stay home. And maybe she can catch up with all her other 'sorry hun' Facebook friends instead!

Her DH will probably thank you too..

If she can't cope with her partner going to work because it means she'll be on her own for a day or two, then she's pathetic. I have no truck with grown adults who can't entertain themselves.

Why are you so afraid of such a wet creature?

I get exactly where you’re coming from. I’m a people pleaser snd try very hard to smooth things over with people then kick myself after the even. I recently stuck up for myself against someone in a very polite way and it felt so much better. My dh said the next time, if there is one with this person the comment needs to be “what the fuck are you going on about now”.

In your place, I would be more honest. You could say you invited her as you’d just had some awful news and thought some female company would help cheer you up. But on reflection, you really need to spend time alone and you have a terrible migraine over it all.

Then when she kicks off and posts whingeing messages on social media, you can legitimately unfriend her / create distance from her and not feel bad.

If she does kick off, your dh can always have a word with her dh about his wife and bullying you. It’s the most honest. You may end up divulging personal information in the end. But you will be able to have a clean break.

Sorry for your loss.

She sounds weird. She's a grown woman, can't she cope with being alone for a bit? What's the big deal?

Loads of good reasons listed above.

Just get her telt.