How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

[MadeForThis]

Keep her blocked and move on

[6demandingchildren]

Think your ex friends partner sounds lovely, make sure he knows that this won't affect your friendship with him.
If anything does come of it just make sure you have the text to hand where she admits she didn't have to kick off as that really says it all and that the world will revolve around her if she screams lots enough.
And enjoy a peaceful year xx

[Wheresmykimchi]

@Carolofthebellies

Why does this guy stay with someone so controlling and manipulative ... horrible way to live ... poor guy...

He could be similar to her or he could be simply stronger than her. Best sex ever etc.
He doesn't seek help so he is probably alright.

How people can repeatedly bleat about awful men and people being misogynistic defending men at all and then write things like that is beyond me. If you said that on a thread about a woman you'd be piled on.

[TheOneLeggedJockey]

Repeatedly ‘bleat’ about awful men....?

[Wheresmykimchi]

@TheOneLeggedJockey

Repeatedly ‘bleat’ about awful men....?

Yes. Not specific examples as couples but the comments about how all men are awful as you and I have both seen before. Yet a comment implying that this man living with a dangerous, abusive, aggressive and frankly unhinged woman must be OK because he hasn't accessed help goes completely unchecked. That would not happen the other way.

We might have disagreed on the topic in general before Jockey but there is no getting away from that.

[TheOneLeggedJockey]

You could’ve quite easily made your point (which I don’t disagree with), without completely downplaying other people’s issue - ‘bleating’ about awful men.

I won’t derail the OP’s post any further.

[Wheresmykimchi]

@TheOneLeggedJockey

You could’ve quite easily made your point (which I don’t disagree with), without completely downplaying other people’s issue - ‘bleating’ about awful men.

I won’t derail the OP’s post any further.

Not what I said.
I'm not downplaying anyone's issue I've been clear about that.
I'm talking about the continuous themes amongst threads of general comments about all men being awful, I'm sure we've been on a few of those threads together. Comments like this towards a man in an abusive relationship happen often and barely register.

Neither will I.

[huuuuunnnndderrricks]

I had a friend like this once , I told her to fuck off and leave me alone . She eventually did , you don't need to be told what to do or who can come in your house by anyone !

[HepLaurenceLB]

Have you heard any more from her OP?

[Greenpolkadot]

Does she always have to go to work with him?

[PunishmentSnart]

@freshmonth Where are their kids in all of this?

[MrsMando]

So she's stayed away from you op?

[freshmonth]

Sorry for the late reply. Yes she's tried to reach out through friends but I've ignored :) proud of myself!

[Ginfordinner]

Well done. Keep strong

[shitinmyhandsandclap]

Well done OP, don't feed the crazy...hopefully your friends won't either

[DaisyStarburst]

Well done Freshmonth, you've done the hardest part. How are other friends reacting, are they supportive or too scared of her? Is her DH still there?

[Purplethrow]

Well done Op , you can’t fight with someone if they don’t get in the ring with you xx

[freshmonth]

Other friends are being supportive of me but are also seemingly stuck in her guilt trip trap! Hard to break away from her as we are attached to the kids 😢

[BlackCatsRule88]

Well done. Hopefully you will find that you’ve inspired a couple of your friends to follow your lead and say “enough is enough”!

[Wheresmykimchi]

@AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter

Would we give do the same if the tradesman was a tradeswoman and her partner was a toxic, abusive bloke? Would we cut her off? Would we take away a probably much needed friendship and leave her alone to her abuser

If her partner was threatening me, then I'd have to think very carefully about this. My safety and the safety of my family come first before anything and I am not obliged to put myself in harms way for someone else's relationship. In that scenario I would probably reassure her that I'll always be there for her and that she could ring me any time if she wants to escape and could provide a safe place but that I cannot be around someone who puts me and my family at risk.

In this case, he's male and he doesnt appear to be taking her actions that seriously at all by the sounds of it. So clearly, it doesnt bother him that much does it?

Absolute sexist minimising nonsense.

[sofiaaaaaa]

Is she reaching out in an apologetic way or is she still looking for an argument?

[bloodyhairy]

What a spoilt brat she really is. You must be kicking yourself for giving in to that!
OP, I have Covid and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It is just not worth the risk ... so do not have her over!

[combatbarbie]

Well done for keeping the distance. She is not being fair putting your friends in the middle but that just goes to show that she doesn't care about you or anyone else as long as she's centre of attention.

[BlueThistles]

you cannot live your life compromising every event to someone elses needs... what about your needs your partners needs.. your childrens needs... does he needs and wants take priority over all your own needs.. FUCK NO ...

[AlexisCarringtonColbyDexter]

Absolute sexist minimising nonsense

Absolute utter bollocks!