How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

@Shudawuda

Why is everyone helping with over complicated “excuses”. That’s how these princess like arseholes get away with bad behaviour because they never get called out on it!

Seriously fuck her off, and him if necessary if he can’t just do his actual job.

Yes exactly. Just be straight with me, you don't want to break the rules and don't want a fine shes not coming. If her husband wants to cancle the work so he can stay with her on a Saturday thats his issue but you won't be breaking the rules because she doesn't want to be alone. Why do her feelings trump yours

OH FGS Op, this isn't difficult. "Hi Friend, I've had a sleepless night over this because I don't want to upset you but honestly, I'm not comfortable breaking lockdown rules. What were we thinking of? Of course you can't come at the weekend. I'd be happy to meet up for a distanced walk though, the forecast looks good. We'll be giving your partner plenty of distance while he's here of course".

Wot @TinaAnglewood said

This really is the time in that cringe phrase to 'speak your truth'.

Don't give her more power over yourself than she deserves. You will feel much better once you have drawn a line.

Then stay off social media for a while.

I'd go with what Shelby suggests. If your friend starts, just act completely puzzled by her.
I feel sorry for her partner, living with her must be a nightmare. The guy is going to be at work ffs. Who pouts and whinges about their OH going to work?! Abusers.

Yes do not be making up excuses or going out of walks to accommodate her. She sounds narcissistic. Jamie’s text sounds perfect. Shocking that people still think it’s acceptable to break the rules.😡

I'd do the walk thing and then say right I'm going to have to get back now I've got some calls to make,nice to catch up bye! You are NOT a babysitter

The problem with making up excuses, is that people like her will always find a solution to suit themselves. I don’t think you should let her come, because if you do, you are setting a precedent for every other time she wants her own way. She clearly has been bullying you into letting her get her way for years. She will be no loss to your life, will she? And I really can’t imagine why her DP would want her hanging around whilst he is trying to work… She wouldn’t be insisting on joining him if he were working for strangers, would she? She is taking advantage. Tell her she can’t come round, and be prepared to deal with the fallout. Believe me, she will not be missed and you will feel so much better for it. It will not affect your partners relationship with her DP – her DP clearly knows what she’s like.

I agree that you need to go for a simple and truthful message. It is less complicated all round.

and if she does complain, remind her of all the people who were so quick to offer her invitations last time she whined about this on FB. perhaps she could contact them if she's so bored and lonely?

Ok so it’s done and you’re frustrated but time to stop banging on about it and get it sorted. She’s a bully. Why on Earth you want to be friends I don’t know. Stop being so weak and pathetic. Message her and say “I’ve changed my mind about the weekend. You caught me at a bad time. The answer is no. It’s a national lockdown and against the law. You’re not welcome. We don’t want visitors and we aren’t breaking the law. We will see you when it is legal” then leave it at that. If she replies angrily you say “stop being a bully and wanting your own way. You’ve been told no. Get over it”

You could say:
"I invited you over this weekend, and I am really sorry but I have since realised that I shouldn't have - it is okay for your husband to come over as he is working but he isn't permitted to bring family members. I am really sorry, I hope you have a good weekend, see you soon another time I hope."

She sounds hideous and needy.

Tell her you’ve just been reading the latest death figures from Covid and have realised it’s completely selfish and irresponsible to break the rules.

If she kicks off I would no longer engage, use it as an opportunity to end what sounds like a toxic friendship.

Tell her if she comes she'll have to stay in the same room as her partner is working in and won't be able to interact with you as you'll be keeping out of his way in line with Covid guidance. Then it becomes his problem and he'll tell her not to come (assuming he doesn't want her there)

Send her a link to this article and say it has really focussed your mind about observing lockdown rules very strictly. And read it yourself to give you strength to resist her nonsense.

www.theguardian.com/society/2021/jan/07/so-many-covid-patients-younger-this-time-hospitals-full?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

“dear friend, bring a good coat, we’ll for a walk”.

Why such agonising? The brief message about only tradesmen being allowed is just perfect. No need for anything else.

[quote freshmonth]@BeanieB2020 thank you, I did consider doing that. The problem is the guy doing it for us has purchased the materials needed and fit to size so I'd feel awful 😞[/quote]
Does she always feel the need to stalk him to work? He's not off on a jolly, he's doing paid work from which she would presumably benefit financially. Persoanlly I think he needs to get rid of her and find a grown up partner rather than a whiner.

C’mon OP, time to woman up here. Life is full of difficult situations but in the scheme of things in a pandemic, this isn’t one of them.
Just text her and if she kick she’s off, delete her from Facebook. She’s no friend.

@bigbluebus

Tell her if she comes she'll have to stay in the same room as her partner is working in and won't be able to interact with you as you'll be keeping out of his way in line with Covid guidance. Then it becomes his problem and he'll tell her not to come (assuming he doesn't want her there)

But that’s not in line with the guidance.

The guidance says no one in your house who isn’t in a bubble of some sort with you or a tradesperson.

OP, don’t lie, just send the short text upthread and live with the consequences. It will be liberating, I’ve no doubt.

Hope you got some sleep OP and have sent one of the many no-nonsense “you are not to come here” messages suggested here. Let us know how it goes.

And sorry for your loss, treat yourself kindly.

Thanks all.
DP has sent a message to her partner to advise we have decided against her covid due to Covid rules and that it isn't right, I wasn't thinking straight at the time.
I'm just waiting now for the backlash to begin. No matter what it's me that gets the abuse hurled at me so I'm kind of just waiting for it now..
Usually I'm so much stronger than this but I've just been completely worn down these last few weeks. I know it makes me look pathetic.

*decided against her coming.

Not pathetic - you're a nice person who in the middle of a shitshow was backed into a corner. She's a bully, stand strong.

Great news. Well done your DP. You can completely avoid this “backlash” by turning off social media. Do it now. If she texts or calls you directly just don’t pick up/reply.

And if she turns up at your door tomorrow your DP can turn her away.