How do I say no to her...

[freshmonth]

Hello,
So ive name changed as this could be outing.

We have our friend coming round Saturday who works in construction, to begin some paid work for us that we've had booked for 5.5 months.

His partner has been my on / off friend for many years, since school but is very prone to snapping / arguing and kicking off at every single thing.. very petty at times.

Since we are in lockdown, I assumed it would be just our friend that is doing the work for us; coming round.

This morning I woke up to a status on social media complaining about being alone all weekend and how selfish certain friends are not to think of her or invite her out. Floods of comments came in under her post about how 'you can come to my house hun' or 'if I didn't have covid you could come to me, always welcome. You know my views on lockdown' etc etc. Shocking to be honest. I know this is about me and my partner as we have her partner round to do the work. I didn't retaliate.

Fast forward a few hours and I get a huge paragraph text to me, saying that it's so unfair she's alone all weekend, all by herself and that she feels nobody considers her feelings.
Stupidly - and I take full responsibility for this - I said she can come too. I can't be dealing with the arguments. 🤦‍♀️

I FULLY follow the rules r.e covid, haven't broken a single guideline so far, and definitely don't plan to. I don't know what came over me in that split second and honestly as soon as I sent the message I instantly regretted it.

She replies 'oh good, I didn't want to have to kick off and invite myself. See you Saturday'

Im now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I know she sees more people than I'd like to even think about, lockdown or not. Guidelines don't seem to matter to her. Her partner is very careful r.e covid and works most of the time to provide for them both with full PPE. Would wear this whilst in our home, too.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel comfortable her coming and feel a complete dick saying she could. I've just recently had a miscarriage and I'm still struggling tremendously. I didn't want the arguments and the grief from her on top of my own. Nobody knows about our loss, other than close family who have been our support..

I don't know how to say no to her. I know her argument would be 'if my partner can come it's no different me coming we live together' although this is true, we are in NATIONAL LOCKDOWN and should not be having her here.
The fines are extortionate. More than I care to think about and not something we can afford..

What do I do? I don't know how to let her down gently enough not to cause an argument. I just don't have the strength in me to deal with it right now.

Ask the man coming to do the work, to tell his partner not to come over, as it's not allowed with COVID..... it matters not that she feels sorry for herself as in being alone. If she texts you, tell her you made a mistake agreeing for her visit. full stop.

Start coughing!!!!

Cancel the work as you're waiting for a Covid test. Get a negative next week, rebook the work in, tell her after your scare you've decided to stick to your guns and abide by the rules after all so no friends round.

You really did bring this on yourself, OP! What you should have said when she texted moaning was 'You know household mixing isn't allowed at the moment.'

@freshmonth

I'm not fussed with stating in good terms with her, but for my own DP's sake and the fact he's very good friends with her partner, who also happens to be doing loads of work for us in the coming months I feel a little bit awkward 😳😬 I've been trying to muster up the courage for a while now to cut it off between us.

This is the perfect opportunity then. If a pandemic can't get her out of your life, what will it take?!

Get drunk (for the courage) and message her saying you're really sorry but will have to get together another time as really worried about neighbours bla bla bla

Or just say you've had a rethink and it's not worth the risk- it's your house at the end of the day and you who would be in the shit if someone did report you.

She's a grown woman and can occupy herself for the weekend whilst her partner goes out and earns a living for the pair of them

This is difficult. She’s your friend and has been since school? Not him? You got to know him through her? And now he’s doing you a favour with this work, even though you’re paying?

So is this work being done jist during the day? Will he be going home at night? Will you be staying away from him as he does the work? Clearly she thinks there’s a social element to it. Is there?

This is just the start of it isn’t it, she is going to want to come every time her DP is working at yours and she is at a loose end. You need to nip this in the bud, if you can’t do it yourself get in touch with her partner and say that she caught you on the hop but that you don’t want her accompanying him when he’s at yours working. Say you are happy for him to continue to do the work but if it’s too awkward then you will understand and find some one else, you can reimburse him the money he has paid out already. Let him tell her she can’t tag along just cause she fancies it, it wouldn’t be professional at anytime never mind now. You’ll lose her as a friend but that doesn’t sound like it would be much of a loss.

It won't affect your H's friendship. Trust me.

And, again, you're paying their mortgage - why you are being put out for the privilege of doing that is (frankly) baffling.

Thanks all. Yes completely bought it upon myself. Really pissed off with myself and my weakness to be honest. She's done things like this before and knows I'm a pushover.
She caught me this morning just as I'd come out of a doctors appointment regarding our loss recently and further checks. I wasn't in a good place mentally and as a result I've beat myself all day over stupidly agreeing to her.

@freshmonth

I'm not fussed with stating in good terms with her, but for my own DP's sake and the fact he's very good friends with her partner, who also happens to be doing loads of work for us in the coming months I feel a little bit awkward 😳😬 I've been trying to muster up the courage for a while now to cut it off between us.

Then, if you can't bring yourself to say you've realised it is a bad idea for her to come over, get your DP to tell her DH that you've both rethought and decided it is a bad idea and she is not to come over during a fucking pandemic. Then she can kick off at him.

@Bluntness100 her DP has known my partner for years and years having worked for his family, but became closer as he built a relationship with 'friend'. Absolutely no social element to this whatsoever. We were considering leaving him to it whilst we go out, although nowhere to go now with lockdown so will likely go in the other room. Nothing fun about it! X

Right just say “sorry was chatting to —mumsnet— my neighbour about this and they have reminded me you can’t come it’s against the law catch up soon mwah mwah”

She's a bully. That's it, she's a bully.

I think we forget sometimes that adults can fit that label too.

"Been thinking about this weekend. We can't risk getting a fine as we have already set aside money this year for things like the work (her partners name) is doing and some close neighbours have made it clear that they plan to report anyone breaking covid rules. That means that while (his name) is working so will be able to come, we can't have you over as that would be a social visit. (Sad face here I guess) We can't afford the risk of a fine and also want to stay within the rules to minimise the covid risk for everyone involved. Appreciate you understanding this and look forward to hanging out socially when this madness is all over!"

This is of course mainly bullshit and a bit cringe. But she won't respond well to anything and it's reasonable enough that if she was to do something childish like share it with people, it's clear you're being reasonable.

Then step back from her as a 'friend' because she isn't. Again, she's a bully. Her being with your partners mate doesn't mean you should be expected to put up with that.

If my partners mate had a dickhead partner who kicked off at me regularly I would expect him to have my back and make it as easy as possible for me to have as little contact with her as possible.

Does your partner get what a prick this woman is? Argh I hate bullies!

And I'm really sorry about your recent loss

Oh, OP, don't beat yourself up over it, it's not the end of the world. Just tell her no first thing in the morning and turn off social media or mute the chat or whatever you need to do so she isn't bugging you. You don't need elaborate excuses apart from "this is against covid rules, I'm not comfortable breaking them, you can't come round"

Don't get caught up in some protracted bargaining conversation. You are in control, it's your home, your money, your time, your life. Yours. Not hers.

I had a friend like this and she wasn’t there for me when I had my miscarriage, be kind to yourself because it’s awful. You will feel scared to do it but MASSIVELY relieved when it’s done and that toxic shit is cut from your life.

Don’t feel bad for your partner or hers they’ll be fine. They will spend a lot of boy time rolling their eyes and complaining about their unreasonable Mrs while secretly being relieved they get that boy time without the tensions and bullshit from said Mrs as they no longer have anything to do with each other!

Just
Do
It

@Shudawuda so sorry about your loss. It's heart wrenching 😞
Her DP often feels as I do. Wants to get away from her for a bit 🤣 he'd be happy to come and do the job alone, I don't know WHY I said she can come.
So frustrated with myself

@Prisonbreak

Easy... say you are symptomatic

No don’t say that, then the partner won’t come and do the work and it could have repercussions. I’d go with another illness and I think a PP’s suggestion of a Migraine is a good one. Non-negotiable and won’t require a confrontation.

@2pinkginsplease

I would message her back and just say she caught you off guard and the more you have thought about it the more you have decided you can’t have her over due to rules and guidelines.

Definitely this option. If she dont like it then tough, she needs to follow the rules like everyone else and stop acting like a baby.

You seem very worried about upsetting her. Why can’t you just send ‘Sorry, I’ve changed my mind, you can’t come over when X is doing the work, because I don’t want you to.’ and then block her on your phone and ignore her social media?

You can always unblock at a later date when you feel stronger?

Well, there's your answer. You are planning to keep to a separate room while he's working there, so she can go in with her partner and you and your partner will be elsewhere in the house. Just send her a text saying that it will be nice for her to spend time with her partner and you are happy to allow that, but obviously you and she won't be in the same room at all. Send the same text to him from your DP. She'll probably change her mind (and kick off, but you can ignore that).

Don't lie, you'll get caught out. Just day she can't come because of lockdown. If she kicks off block, defriend, and/or don't answer the phone. You've enough to be getting thru ❤️

I'd let her come and then both myself and dh sit upstairs and leave her on her own. But then I can be petty.

Or kick off right back at her for her downright rudeness. She may think kicking off gets her wants she wants but she'll eventually find out it gets her no friends.

Tell her to grow up too. She can't spend the weekend alone? What is she? 10?

Then I'd fuck her off. Have no more to do with her. If your dp wants to while having contact with the bloke, let him, but I'd be making myself scarce.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

She sounds like a horrible bully. She is definitely not your friend.

Tbh I'd probably just let her come around, be civil, make yourself busy with other things so you don't have to sit with her, and then vow to never invite her anywhere again.

You don't need people like her in your life.

The longer you leave it the shorter the notice and the more pissed off she will be. Text her asap. Explain you are worried, neighbours are likely to report etc. Offer to meet her for a short walk so you can both get out of the house. Sod staying out all day though- an hour or two tops. And dont let yourself be bullied into bringing her back with you for gods sake

@freshmonth

Thank you all. Honestly I feel ridiculous. I know I sound pathetic to be honest! I do totally recognise that she walks all over me, I'd rather give in than have to foot the backlash 😟

But this is exactly what she's counting on. And from her message it seems it's a deliberate strategy. Listen to what she's telling you - she thinks it's ok to "kick off" in order to get what she wants.

Think about her like a toddler. Tell her you've realised you can't have her over due to the guidelines. Let her kick off. She's only upset at not having her own way. Let her tantrum and just ignore it. She is doing it to manipulate you, if you ignore it then she'll soon realise that tactic won't work.