Sorry this response is lonnnnng, kept checking back and finding new things to mention.
Just read my post through again and omg I can totally see why some of you think I’m a ‘Reversy Percy’! This term is genius, but I am actually for real I promise. I honestly had no idea “Thoughts?” could incite so much fury- sorry about that 😳
OK those of you saying “of course you can help it”- you are obviously right. I know I can physically help it. I just don’t know why I don’t choose to stop myself, then. It really feels like a reflex reaction a lot of the time, but maybe somewhere in my thought process I don’t actually want to hold back? (By the way @AnneLovesGilbert I love your username- hands down the best love story of all time!)
A few of you have asked whether I am like this with anyone else: definitely not. I get irritated by small things when I am with anyone for a long period of time, but with other people I rarely give voice to it. With my DP it’s an incessant stream of consciousness.
He definitely does his fair share around the house, especially given the fact that he works full time (from home) and I’m still on maternity leave. We kind of have different jobs that we tend to do all the time. The problem is that he just doesn’t have the same standards as I do- so for example when he empties the bin he doesn’t wipe it out or wipe the lid, even if there are obvious bits of food and grossness on/in it. He also lets it get really full so that the underside of the lid is extra disgusting. The clear answer here is “well empty the bin your bloody self, then”, but if everything is to be done thoroughly and his standards are that much lower than mine, then wouldn’t I end up doing everything myself? And I guess this leads to “lower your bloody standards, then!”.
He does all the cooking in the evenings and I do all the washing up and wiping down. I usually only moan when he has done the cleaning up and just neglected to do the hob, or when he’s cooked something just for himself. When he washes up he does it at lightning speed and invariably leaves some things with dirt on, and afterwards all round the sink will be swimming in soapy water. I guess it’s silly to be bothered by this? I should add that sometimes he cooks and then to be nice washes up quickly before I can get to it. I obviously try not to moan in this case!
Here are some examples of things I nag or moan about from across the spectrum. All of these have been mentioned more than once. I’m going to try and demonstrate where possible that I can see both sides. Anyone who gets twitchy over excessive use of brackets should probably look away now, if you haven’t already!
When he lets the dogs in from outside and their paws are wet or muddy and he doesn’t dry them off, just sends them straight to their beds. Their beds get wet and/or muddy, end up smelly, and need washing sooner (by me- he never takes the initiative to do every-now-and-again things like washing dog beds or descaling the kettle).
When he’s reading a story to the baby and adds swear words in because he finds it funny (“fuck off, Bernard”). I found it funny too when she was tiny, but now she’s older and getting closer to talking I’ve said (sort of smilingly at first) that he should probably stop - and he agreed. Several more times of doing it and me mentioning it and it became a nag: “I’ve told you we shouldn’t really be swearing in front of her now!”. (Hmm, my conscience says, at least he reads the baby a story. And maybe I’m being a bit ridiculous worrying about this at 9 months?)
Putting drinks cans and plastic water bottles in normal bins around the house (waste paper basket kind of things) instead of the recycling bin in the kitchen, and the cans sometimes having a bit of residual drink in the bottom which tips everywhere when I empty said bins. (Is recycling a matter of opinion and if it matters so much to me and not him then should I go round and collect it?)
Beer bottle caps in the utensil drawer because this is where the bottle opener lives, so many that the drawer could hardly fit the stuff that was meant to be in it. He has finally stopped doing this but it took me getting really annoyed about it and clearing them all out.
Promising me he will try harder to stick to set working hours each week and take a regular lunch break (because I’ve told him I’m lonely and find it hard being with the baby all the time and no adult company) and then continuing to work long hours and not take breaks, coming downstairs yet again at 5:30-6pm (having started at 7:30am) with a breathless “sorreeee, what can I do?”. (He is earning money for us as a family and wants to do a good job)
Ignoring my requests to be careful with interactions between the baby and our slightly reactive dog, to the point that messing about he danced the baby right into the dog, the dog growled a warning twice, and I had to say “the dog is growling, stop!”. He did really apologise when he saw how upset I was about this, but at first he was like “it’s fine, you being nervous will just make the dog nervous and more likely to react”.
And then there’s just loads of little things like “use that antibacterial spray to clean her highchair instead of a baby wipe”, “she’s refusing it because you’re feeding her too quickly; let her finish that bit first”, “I’ve asked you not to put wet dirty cloths in with the dry clean ones”, “don’t you think it’s really unhealthy to drink this many fizzy drinks?”, “you’ve bought the wrong x, why would you do that when I clearly explained y or z?”. I do honestly sound like his mother at times. I just seem to have so many specific ways I want things done and find it hard to stand by and see them not done that way. Am I a control freak? I absolutely know that this isn’t something I want to model to my daughter but how do I stop caring so much about these things?!
Mental load is something I’ve discussed with him before and I definitely carry all of that with the baby. I am a huge worrier and find trying to do the best for her quite overwhelming at times. I had a lot of emotional meltdowns in the first few months and still find that my head is buzzing with questions over it all! But then I’m on maternity leave so it’s my job to bear the mental load isn’t it?
He definitely doesn’t not do things in a kind of ‘fuck it, she’ll do it’ way. He just doesn’t need things to be a certain way and either forgets or doesn’t think. Other than moaning at him he has mentioned two things I do that annoy him (one of them being leaving shoes by the front door as it happens!) and I have stopped doing both of them.
Oh Jesus. I really am a nightmare aren’t I? If you’re still reading I think I love you.