The way I speak to my partner: are we doomed?

[MoanerLisa2021]

I know IABVU and I need you lovely straight-talking ladies to sort me the eff out!

I have this really lovely partner of 4 years with innumerable good qualities. Ok he could do a bit better on the beard-hair-all-over-the-sink front, but I know I’ve got a good’un and I’m really really lucky.

So why does every word out of my mouth to him always seem to be a nag or a moan? I can’t seem to help myself, I make up my mind to try really hard not to nag or moan and before I know it it’s out of my mouth and he’s offended or hurt that despite everything good he does, I’m incapable of laying off him for any tiny transgression like not wiping the hob down after he’s splattered food all over it.

He usually weathers the storm and continues to be a little gem until every now and again it gets too much for him and he has a go at me. I get upset and tell him I know I’m a total cow, resolve 100% to do better. And it lasts for all of like an hour.

What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I show respect towards a fabulous guy? He definitely questions whether I love him and I really feel like I do love him so much! I couldn’t be without him or with anyone else. To compound the issue, I had a baby 9 months ago and my sex drive is pretty much zero (was also zero in the latter part of pregnancy and tbh I wasn’t exactly gagging for it before that).

We do live 3 hours from my family and 2 hours from his, in an unfamiliar area after returning from overseas so neither of us has any friends nearby. But that sounds like an excuse and I shouldn’t be making excuses.

Thoughts? puts on helmet and prepares for the worst

He asked where one particular item was supposed to go even though he uses said item every couple of days and it’s lived in the same place since forever

Apologies for the thread hijack

I think it's utter frustration with having to state the obvious for four years!

Year One: "Please can you wipe the dogs before they come in so as to save me many extra chores? 🤗 Thanks so much."

Year Two: "Oh no, the dogs have made their beds wet again and I'm going to have to find time to wash everything and in the meantime my house stinks. Can you try and grab them for a wipe before they run through next time please? Cheers. 😊"

Year Three: crying. Pleeeeeease please please can you wipe the dogs before they come in? Please! I implore you. I know you don't mean to ignore what's important to me and you're overall a good person and I really appreciate it but I honestly don't know how to communicate just how much this bugs me. Please wipe them. Sorry to nag. Thanks. Love you. 🥺"

Year Four: "For the fucking love of God. Wipe the dogs' fucking feet! Aaaarghhhh! 😡😭😡😭😡😭

Him: "Do you not love me? You're always nagging and overall I'm a good catch. I don't understand why you're like this. 😟"

The problem is that he just doesn’t have the same standards as I do- so for example when he empties the bin he doesn’t wipe it out or wipe the lid, even if there are obvious bits of food and grossness on/in it. He also lets it get really full so that the underside of the lid is extra disgusting. The clear answer here is “well empty the bin your bloody self, then”, but if everything is to be done thoroughly and his standards are that much lower than mine, then wouldn’t I end up doing everything myself? And I guess this leads to “lower your bloody standards, then!”.

Do you know there’s a term ‘strategic incompetence’ - deliberately doing a task badly so that in the end someone else takes over? It’s a tactic successfully used by lazy fuckers everywhere.

There’s a difference between nagging and pointing out that a task is not complete. Division of tasks is useful. Say you decide emptying the bin is 1 task that 1 of you will take over completely. So it’s his job.

If the consequence of the bin never being emptied properly or on time is that shit gets stuck to the lid and festers, and it pisses you off because it’s disgusting, then you need to point out that the bin is his job and that there’s shit on the lid every time that he needs to wipe up. Either eventually he’ll realise it’s easier to empty the bin proactively than be reminded constantly to wipe it, or he’ll accuse you of having ‘too high standards’ in which case you can swap a job - instead of bins he does all the floors, for example. But he needs to do them properly...

It’s not the same as micromanaging. It’s having agreed standards of cleanliness and each respecting them.

Of course he needs to agree that it’s disgusting to have shit stuck to the bin lid. But who doesn’t think that’s disgusting - unless you’re a complete slob?

tbh I never do anything fun or anything at all really, just stay in the house all the time. Even between the lockdowns I was so panicky about the baby I still didn’t really venture out. You need fun, you really do. Trust me in 30 years when you look back you won't have fond memories of a clean hob. My granny, very wise woman, used to say, "The housework (whatever my mum was on one about at the time) will be there when the wains are reared." It is true, housework goes on forever but your baby will grow up and you will grow old, I got married 50 years ago, heaven knows how many times I've cleaned the hob but the memory brings me no joy.

I hope you have some fun.

The other day he did the food shopping and was unpacking it (both wfh at the moment and his job allows plenty of downtime) and left items just out on the side rather than put them in their correct place. It’s either down to me to put them away or ask him to to which he says sarcastically “well I’m sorry I got it wrong”

I’d say - You didn’t get anything wrong, you just didn’t put the shopping away. That’s all. Thanks for doing it.

Ignore sarcasm. If he’s got a problem he can explain why it’s OK to do half a job. If he wanted you to help do it he could ask, couldn’t he?

"Oh no, the dogs have made their beds wet again and I'm going to have to find time to wash everything and in the meantime my house stinks. Can you try and grab them for a wipe before they run through next time please? Cheers. Or you could just say the dogs beds are wet, can you throw them in the washing machine, I'm just changing the baby/painting my toe nails or whatever.

From your examples, I would react the same than you and be quite upset.

The bear response of ‘Ive tried my best and I’m warning you about it so you can’t complain even though it is obvious I’ve still left hair everywhere’ would amke me scream. Because what he is actually saying is that he has no respect for you. And expects you to just c’est whatever crumbs he wants to give you.

One issue with that sort if behaviour is that stuff that you maybe you should let go (like for forgetting the hob) suddenly becomes intolerable and another example of how he doesn’t care.

Fwiw I’ve had the same issue with doing the washing up quickly and leaving food on it. I’ve made comments too to no avail. Now I just out stuff in the side of the sink for him to wash again. I’m not mentioning anything. And if he did say something, I would mention how the plate/pan was still dirty pointing out to said food.

You’re not nagging. You’re living with someone who is taking you fro granted but think he is like gold (and seems to have convinced you of that) an therefore should never be held into account for his laziness.

He sounds really irritating.

@ancientgran

"Oh no, the dogs have made their beds wet again and I'm going to have to find time to wash everything and in the meantime my house stinks. Can you try and grab them for a wipe before they run through next time please? Cheers. Or you could just say the dogs beds are wet, can you throw them in the washing machine, I'm just changing the baby/painting my toe nails or whatever.

You see the problem with that is that it’s still the OP who is responsible. She is the ine who needs to think about it. She is the one who is ASKING again. (And therefore also the one who will be told she is asking too much/has standards that are too high etc... And if this is such an issue, why can’t she do it herself?)

When is this guy going to take responsibility for the consequence of his actions?

You sound pretty incompatible in the housework stakes.
That is ..... he doesn't see these things as problems. He's not asking or expecting you to do them. He just doesn't thing they need doing to the same timescale or in the same way as you.
Fwiw I rarely cleaned dog paws. Just cleaned the bedding and floors when necessary.
The hob gets cleaned once a week.
I don't clean out the bins every time.
I'm not bothered about bins (except in the kitchen) having mixed rubbish - I just separate it out when it gets to bin day.
Feeding the baby I'd tell him once and then let it go.

The swearing would bother me.
The control (lack of) of the reactive dog would bother me.

If he pulls his weight in general around the house, why don't you just suggest he takes on a chore or two extra and you tidy up after him on the ones he doesn't care about?

Two ticks and a wish FFS!

Lolz

I too have an ex husband like this, and similar to a PP can never see myself living with a man again because of it.

funny that i was thinking about this today.... on a walk in the park, meditate on your mind mouth connection, and also upon your thoughts and the process that enables you to 'speak your truth'.... there is a process where certain thoughts/feelings/beliefs arrive at an area in your brain where your mouth engages somehow and words are spoken... imagine that there is a vestibule in your mind where words/thoughts arrive ready to be despatched into the world (speaking)... arrest these thoughts...so that you are able to stop the pattern of saying things that you regret... it is only through meditation on your mind/body that you will be able to redirect yourself and begin new types of responses and conversations with this sweet man that sounds like he is worth the effort... use your imagination and even invent visions that articulate the process, I have sometimes this issue and it really is a frame of mind.. an attitude... perhaps it is arrogance, or a deluded confidence, but somehow perhaps you have been enabled to be like this.. to say such things in such a manner... so I sympathise and really encourage you to realise that some amount of effort is required to change this... schedule a little chat with yourself and mental excersise that you can practice.... it's great that you've recognised this....you sound young and full of energy... make that work for you and not against you...

Basically you are not ready to be in a relationship. You want things done your way and no other. You are not prepared to put up with the irritations that comes with mutual living.

I found it very hard in the beginning to stop nitpicking about inconsequential things. The hob doesn't need to be spotless. The microwave won't implode with a few spots of food in it. Keys and loose change on the dresser isn't the end of the world. They are just irritating. You either learn to ignore it, have a good cleaning routine you both stick to and do a fair share of, or separate.

Nothing destroys the foundation of a relationship like this endless chipping away.

@POP7777777

I think it's utter frustration with having to state the obvious for four years!

Year One: "Please can you wipe the dogs before they come in so as to save me many extra chores? 🤗 Thanks so much."

Year Two: "Oh no, the dogs have made their beds wet again and I'm going to have to find time to wash everything and in the meantime my house stinks. Can you try and grab them for a wipe before they run through next time please? Cheers. 😊"

Year Three: crying. Pleeeeeease please please can you wipe the dogs before they come in? Please! I implore you. I know you don't mean to ignore what's important to me and you're overall a good person and I really appreciate it but I honestly don't know how to communicate just how much this bugs me. Please wipe them. Sorry to nag. Thanks. Love you. 🥺"

Year Four: "For the fucking love of God. Wipe the dogs' fucking feet! Aaaarghhhh! 😡😭😡😭😡😭

Him: "Do you not love me? You're always nagging and overall I'm a good catch. I don't understand why you're like this. 😟"

Year Five: she left me because I forgot to wipe the dogs, is she BU? grin]

Neither of you is wrong, you just have different standards. The ideal would be for both of you to give a little. A baby wipe on the highchair is going to be fine until the next feed, not wiping out the bin on his turn (assuming there's a binbag to remove) is not the worst thing.

Honestly I'm more like your DH. There are a few cupboard items from Monday's shop still sitting on the side because I got distracted when I was putting everything away. My ex was more like you. I once got scolded like a child for leaving cutlery on the draining board instead of drying it and putting it away so it didn't develop spots. I am so happy to be without him and with my spotty cutlery

Maybe think about what your absolute deal breakers are, and try to ease up on the rest.

@Haggertyjane

Basically you are not ready to be in a relationship. You want things done your way and no other. You are not prepared to put up with the irritations that comes with mutual living.

I found it very hard in the beginning to stop nitpicking about inconsequential things. The hob doesn't need to be spotless. The microwave won't implode with a few spots of food in it. Keys and loose change on the dresser isn't the end of the world. They are just irritating. You either learn to ignore it, have a good cleaning routine you both stick to and do a fair share of, or separate.

Nothing destroys the foundation of a relationship like this endless chipping away.

That's massively invalidating to OP. Different things are important to different people. Just because OP finds things important that you don't, doesn't mean she's 'not ready to be in a relationship'.

Jeez.

The idea is that you have a relationship with somebody that you have matched needs with. Nobody is ready for a relationship with someone with whom they are incompatible.

Omg he does so much - leave him alone or you'll ruin any self esteem he still has. (Or someone will make him feel right and he will run away.) My sister was like this and I knew he'd leave at the first sign he was ok, and he did.

He's not a child.

Certain things would piss me off - it doesn't take Kim and Aggie level cleaning prowess to wash stubble from a sink (and how did he manage to get it elsewhere?) That would be something to get pissed off about.

But if everything he does is wrong, maybe he is just wrong for you.

I accidentally do this if I know he wants sex and I don’t.
It’s like an unconscious defence mechanism against his advances.
Could it be that?

He sounds deeply annoying and so lazy.

Living with someone who deliberately does a half arsed job with everything is very wearing.

I think @POP7777777 has nailed it.

Years of strategic incompetence would kill the love of any relationship.

Easier to be on your own.

This is the conclusion many women come to.

Sort out your contraception asap.

I think you are me. I think my partner wrote this but added in the bit about the baby to change it up. Reading comments for advice too OP 😂

Interesting range of responses here OP. I’m landing on the strategic incompetence side of things. He sounds like a lazy bugger but some posters are branding you a control freak. I guess it really depends on your housework standards: we run a tight ship that would be too fussy a system for some.

I guess it really depends on your housework standards: we run a tight ship that would be too fussy a system for some. The problem is if expectations don't match. I used to work with someone whose partner had very high standards, she said she'd go to the loo and come back and he'd folded her newspaper and put it away or taken her mug and washed it even though she hadn't quite finished. It drove her mad. They split up and her next partner was a bit of a slob, that drove her mad as well. Was a bit like Daddy Bear, Mummy Bear and Baby Bear. I wonder if she ever found the perfect match?

I’m reading these responses and thinking oh god have I painted a really skewed picture here? Whenever friends or family have met him they’ve always said “aw he’s really great isn’t he?” as soon as he’s left the room. I’m trying to think how to summarise what I think is amazing about him and it seems to be mainly the cooking, making lots of cups of tea, all the trips to the shops, and I guess the fact that he does any housework at all is a million times better than other guys I’ve either been with or seen friends with. He does work full time and every so often he will blitz a certain job, completely clear out a cupboard or something. He’s really kind and generous and does do thoughtful things, though sometimes he is a bit out of tune and misses silly things that matter to me (like getting me a birthday card from the baby on my first birthday as a new mum- I stupidly cried about that, bloody hormones). He insists on bathing the baby pretty much every night (although this is such a nice job and I normally hover around anyway) and he tries to get the dogs out for their walks as I can’t manage both of them with the baby aswell. He picks up the dog mess in the back garden whereas I do the cat litter, so I have by far the easiest job there.

@POP7777777 that year by year rundown is brilliant! Yep, sounds about right.

@MaybeMaybeNotJ this is uncomfortably possible to be honest!!

@Eckhart thank you. At my most irritated I have wondered whether I’d be better off alone, not just because things would be how I like them but I wouldn’t have to live with the constant guilt of being on his case and feeling like a bad person. But I don’t know if this means I can’t be in a relationship?

Fresh off the press there was just another example of me being moany: we were all sitting there eating our tea with the TV on in the background. DD was totally distracted by the TV, gawking at it open mouthed and not touching her food, so I said we’d better turn it off. A few minutes later DP and I had both finished eating so I asked if he could help DD finish her meal while I went to start the washing up. And AS SOON AS I walked out of the room he put the TV back on again! I went back in and said “did you just put the TV back on? Don’t you agree it’s better for her to focus on her food without distractions?” so he turned it off again. I mean that’s not a massive thing but I really wanted to pull him up on it so there I went again.