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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a marriage certificate should be addressed to both people?

155 replies

wealllikespuppies · 07/01/2021 10:29

some background, me and my husband got married last week (just before the lockdown).

received our wedding certificate in the post the other day. we live together, but only one name was written on the envelope - my husband's.

i've emailed them querying this, stating that it seems sexist and that a marriage by definition is a union between two people, so surely it seems a bit silly only to address it to one person? i know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it also is a big deal in that it's important, and also, the ceremony (the cheapest one available) cost over £150, so i'd expect the small details to be paid attention to.

I've had a reply this morning, with the ultimate fake apology 'I'm sorry you feel that way'. along with a statement that 'there is not enough space on the envelope to include the names of all parties' and that 'we can't assume one person will take the surname of their husband/wife' (which is contradictory with the fact my husband's surname was used on the envelope, so an assumption has clearly been made).

I've replied stating I feel this isn't really an acceptable excuse, and I've encouraged them to consider my feedback in future correspondence with clients.

I know I am being petty over this but would anyone else find it super annoying and demoralising? I'm going to just let it go but it really has peed me off this morning (and on my day off work as well :'( )

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 07/01/2021 10:30

WTF

PinkYellowTinsel · 07/01/2021 10:34

It'd annoy me as well.

Good for you for sending an email! There's nothing that will be done, but at least you tried!

SendMeHome · 07/01/2021 10:35

That's bizarre. We got married in August and got a copy of the certificate then, which was given to me as the registrar said that the certificate legally belongs to the woman...

And then a posted copy which was addressed to us both, using the names we signed the register with (so my maiden name & husbands name).

I think I'd presume that the somewhat arsey reply is because the person you're emailing was the person who wrote the envelope and did it quickly, rather than it being their policy... I hope that's the case!

Thatsmygrandma · 07/01/2021 10:38

How small is the envelope that they cant fit the names of two people on it?

RaspberryCoulis · 07/01/2021 10:39

They'll just have taken the first name at the top of the certificate, which is the groom.

Or are you asking that the entire certificate is redesigned?

Maray1967 · 07/01/2021 10:46

Interesting. I joined the national trust a few years ago- couples membership. Put my name first and then husbands. Put my email address first but emails were sent to DH email address. Mail was addressed to DH. Raised it a year or so back and complained. Person on phone apologised. Emails now come to my address starting ‘Dear DH first name...’ I will make a renewed effort when things are less stressed.

StCharlotte · 07/01/2021 10:50

I know I am being petty over this but would anyone else find it super annoying and demoralising? I'm going to just let it go but it really has peed me off this morning (and on my day off work as well :'( )

And someone else would have complained if they'd sent it addressed to Mr & Mrs DHname. They can't win really.

At worst I'd find it mildly disappointing but let it go and congratulations on your marriage Smile

femfemlicious · 07/01/2021 10:51

Lawd...i wish i had as few worries as you doGrin. Imagine getting so worked up over this.

Etulosba · 07/01/2021 10:53

Do you think your husband have been annoyed if it had been addressed just to you?

EloraaDanan · 07/01/2021 10:53

The right and wrongs of being pissed off about it aside, the marriage certificate legally belongs to the bride not the groom so it’s incorrect anyway.

Lucieintheskye · 07/01/2021 10:55

I had the same, all of our wedding planning stuff was addressed to DH, everything from the church went to him, the venue too. I was more involved than him, I paid from our joint account, I gave my name for everything but somehow it all ended up going to him. When I asked they said it was easier to remember his name (my maiden name is French, his is very British but harder to spell than mine) and they assumed I'd be taking his name (I did but they didn't know!) ...

Phineyj · 07/01/2021 10:57

I have also had that experience with the National Trust, Maray! Their software appears to be institutionally sexist (my phone has autocorrected that to 'sensitive' three times, so clearly it is too...)

Phineyj · 07/01/2021 10:59

When I have this kind of thing happen I treat it as a sign not to get the service from that company - if they haven't noticed I'm the primary customer, what else will they be sloppy about?!

Marmite27 · 07/01/2021 10:59

Funnily enough during a live ceremony the registrar makes a point of giving the cert to the wife as it’s her property.

ReinventingTheSpiel · 07/01/2021 10:59

This really really doesn't matter.

Phineyj · 07/01/2021 11:01

It matters to the OP.

harriethoyle · 07/01/2021 11:03

We had to apply for ours - my DH did applied and paid for it so it came to him. Could this be the reason?

AriesTheRam · 07/01/2021 11:04

Non event.Move on.

JudgeRindersMinder · 07/01/2021 11:06

Oh ffs 🙄

Changi · 07/01/2021 11:09

It's something I would really struggle to get worked up about. In fact, I doubt I would give it a second thought.

If I did give it a second thought, I would just assume that they put my husband's name because they wouldn't have known whether or not I'd kept my surname or adopted his.

AvoidingNextdoorNeighbour · 07/01/2021 11:09

@ReinventingTheSpiel

This really really doesn't matter.
Have to disagree here. Things like this are seemingly small and insignificant but when it happens with everything, it's just plain old sexism that needs addressing. That's it.

Our mail from one place comes to (not real names) Mr and Mrs Joseph Smith. I am not called Joseph. Never have been, never will be. I am Mrs Jane Smith as I have husband's surname but I did not take his forename too.

The company sending it (housing association) makes quite sure to have my correct name on our paperwork so they can chase me for any debts should they occur (never have but not the point) but won't go to the same effort to address me properly on our joint mail? It's sexist and downright lazy.

Affor · 07/01/2021 11:09

@StCharlotte

I know I am being petty over this but would anyone else find it super annoying and demoralising? I'm going to just let it go but it really has peed me off this morning (and on my day off work as well :'( )

And someone else would have complained if they'd sent it addressed to Mr & Mrs DHname. They can't win really.

At worst I'd find it mildly disappointing but let it go and congratulations on your marriage Smile

Those aren't the only two option though.

Why can't they send to to Mr Groom name and Ms Bride name? They have both the names there on the certificate, it's not hard is it?

ThornAmongstRoses · 07/01/2021 11:10

How can you get so worked up about something so trivial?

Grin
StCharlotte · 07/01/2021 11:10

@Marmite27

Funnily enough during a live ceremony the registrar makes a point of giving the cert to the wife as it’s her property.
Well. Every day's a school day!

I'd love to know the history behind that.

Blackberrybunnet · 07/01/2021 11:12

YANBU. It is institutionalised sexism. It will go on for ever if everyone sits back and accepts it. Good on you for taking the time to complain!