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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a marriage certificate should be addressed to both people?

155 replies

wealllikespuppies · 07/01/2021 10:29

some background, me and my husband got married last week (just before the lockdown).

received our wedding certificate in the post the other day. we live together, but only one name was written on the envelope - my husband's.

i've emailed them querying this, stating that it seems sexist and that a marriage by definition is a union between two people, so surely it seems a bit silly only to address it to one person? i know it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it also is a big deal in that it's important, and also, the ceremony (the cheapest one available) cost over £150, so i'd expect the small details to be paid attention to.

I've had a reply this morning, with the ultimate fake apology 'I'm sorry you feel that way'. along with a statement that 'there is not enough space on the envelope to include the names of all parties' and that 'we can't assume one person will take the surname of their husband/wife' (which is contradictory with the fact my husband's surname was used on the envelope, so an assumption has clearly been made).

I've replied stating I feel this isn't really an acceptable excuse, and I've encouraged them to consider my feedback in future correspondence with clients.

I know I am being petty over this but would anyone else find it super annoying and demoralising? I'm going to just let it go but it really has peed me off this morning (and on my day off work as well :'( )

OP posts:
Bookworming · 07/01/2021 17:46

You've got way to much time on your hands OP, I wish I had time to deal with such utter tosh and trivia!

They've no idea how to address you, as they said.

Get a grip!

VinylDetective · 07/01/2021 17:54

@Worst

It always astounds me how may women just aren't bothered about this kind of systemic low-level misogyny. I am glad you complained OP.
Perhaps because they’re dealing with much more damaging instances of misogyny? Or have lives with really important issues demanding their time and energy.
UniversalAunt · 07/01/2021 17:57

The ‘certificate’ is a copy of the original certificate - be it birth, marriage or death. The original is the entry in the Registrar’s document or online entry.

As others have mentioned, it may have be a necessary tradition to give the paper copy to the woman as any need for fiscal support, before the Welfare State & other social support systems, would have been met from the original parish.

2pinkginsplease · 07/01/2021 18:06

IT annoyed you and you complained, you’ve got far too much time on your hands.

I wouldn’t be bothered by this in the slightest, we received the document, great, that’s all I’d have thought.

KarmaStar · 07/01/2021 18:11

What a non event! With so much going on in the world,these people working despite a pandemic and you ring up to whine your name is not on an envelope.
Ridiculous behaviour.

HedgieHog · 07/01/2021 18:12

Sorry don’t know how to quote

“I wonder who they address it to if two men or two women get married.”
The most masculine partner? Really @Eckhart ?!?!

Bookworming · 07/01/2021 18:14

@Worst how should it have been addressed then, to not be low level misogynistic?

SimonJT · 07/01/2021 18:30

@HedgieHog

Sorry don’t know how to quote

“I wonder who they address it to if two men or two women get married.”
The most masculine partner? Really @Eckhart ?!?!

I know!

I shall (hopefully) report back in April to see which one of us is more masculine.

Osirus · 07/01/2021 18:43

Sorry OP, but YABU and absolutely ridiculous to get worked up over this.

I’m astounded.

For gods sake get a life.

Boatonthehorizon · 07/01/2021 18:52

Really. Have you nothing else to worry about. It's annoying that these traditions are departing.
I now only write envelopes for greetings cards and letters, with first names. Even after they're married. (I never married but have two kids from different dads before you think I'm some kind of traditionalist.) Your generation are so easily offended.
I liked the Mr and Mrs thing but now it has to be eg Lucy and James, with no mention of dreaded surnames on the envelope.

Boatonthehorizon · 07/01/2021 18:57

Mr E Surname and Mrs R Surname traditionally means not married, e.g. mother and son, whereas Mr and Mrs (His initial) Surname means married.

LifeOfBriony · 07/01/2021 19:08

@Marmite27

Funnily enough during a live ceremony the registrar makes a point of giving the cert to the wife as it’s her property.
I was going to say the same thing. We got married in church 30+ years ago and the Vicar did exactly this.
Worst · 07/01/2021 19:59

[quote Bookworming]@Worst how should it have been addressed then, to not be low level misogynistic?

[/quote]
To whatever names were on the application Hmm

VinylDetective · 07/01/2021 20:01

To whatever names were on the application

One of those people may no longer have that name - and be offended.

Bookworming · 07/01/2021 20:06

To whatever names were on the application

So @Worst mr & miss? Even though it's a "union" ?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 07/01/2021 20:14

It's annoying that these traditions are departing.

It really isn't. It's way past time.

fonscylitte · 07/01/2021 20:17

Two thoughts- firstly why not ask who to send it to (covers where a maiden name is retained in use), and secondly given same sex marriages, even more outdated.

Worst · 07/01/2021 20:22

@Bookworming

To whatever names were on the application

So @Worst mr & miss? Even though it's a "union" ?

Yes. It’s literally the transition document of that union.
BQueen · 07/01/2021 20:24

If you feel like that about a letter why did you get married and not opt for a civil partnership?

Also -2 points to feminism if you wore white, were ‘given away’ or wore a vail

Bookworming · 07/01/2021 20:25

Yes. It’s literally the transition document of that union

wtf does that mean? I'm so glad I'm not a registrar!

harriethoyle · 07/01/2021 20:58

@BQueen I didn't do any of those! (Navy blue Ralph Lauren in the sale dress, champagne reception before the ceremony so all pottered in together, and no giving away bit) Huzzah!

Although I did get married rather than CP (for ethical reasons around disliking heteronormative pinching of an LGBT right. So maybe I lose points for that... but all parents not just dads were on the certificate if that makes it better).

UrAWizHarry · 07/01/2021 21:07

The people in the registry office will be laughing their heads off.

Who gives a flying fuck?

tilder · 07/01/2021 21:13

@ReinventingTheSpiel

This really really doesn't matter.
It really does.

It's casual sexism. Man takes precedent over woman. Because he's a man. That's what sexism is.

Am not sure what annoys me more. The sexism of it or the way it's just accepted by so many.

Skysblue · 07/01/2021 21:14

My bank do this, we have a joint account there which I manage (husband keeps his personal money at a diff bank). Every letter or advert or whatever from the bank is only ever addressed to my husband on the envelope (both names inside). I complained once, as I was missing correspondence since he’s bad at admin, but they still do it.

tilder · 07/01/2021 21:15

@Boatonthehorizon

Mr E Surname and Mrs R Surname traditionally means not married, e.g. mother and son, whereas Mr and Mrs (His initial) Surname means married.
It infers property. And is offensive.