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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help my mum

250 replies

MattWanksock · 07/01/2021 08:01

My mum is having an epidural to help with back pain. She has been struggling with intense pain for some time after an accident over a year ago and is really looking forward to this as she believes it will help.

Yesterday (very late notice for the procedure) she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night. We live over 100 miles away. She has a large enough house but it's not clean or really ready for someone to stay. I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure. Hmm

There is also the issue that her neighbours have a history for damaging cars that park outside hers and have harassed her and one of her guests who she bubbled with in lockdown one which makes me very uncomfortable. I have looked at a hotel but have yet to hear back that they are allowing guests.

I don't think this would be breaking the rules as it's a medical procedure but I do not want to spend time in a car or hotel/house with someone who has spent the day in hospital undergoing a procedure and put my family at increased risk of catching. I'd never forgive myself if DD or DP caught it and it affected them. Also DD wants to come with me and I'm not sure.

Am i being heartless to leave her in the lurch? I would happily book the hotel but in covid times if seems risky. What would you do?

OP posts:
CounsellorTroi · 07/01/2021 11:44

Go. Sleeping bag/own sheets if necessary. It’s the least you can do.

LAURAMINIMAQ88 · 07/01/2021 11:48

What ? Of course I would help my mum ! I would already be there cleaning her house because she is unable to do due to the accident I believe ?
How can you even think otherwise?
Why can't you park your car on other road and take your own sheets if you are that bothered?
I think you're just making an excuses with the whole covid thing so that you can get away with it.

clairethewitch70 · 07/01/2021 11:54

I have had this procedure multiple times, along with radiofrequency ablation and facet joint injections and not once have I been told I need someone overnight with me? Is she being straight with you? Unless it is due to her age maybe?

Onthelowdown · 07/01/2021 12:05

Horrible that you even considered not helping.

Taikoo · 07/01/2021 12:07

Bring clean sheets, duvet, pillow etc.
Park the car somewhere safer down the road.

Harrysmummy246 · 07/01/2021 12:18

You absolutely cannot stay in a hotel at the moment without very very specific reasons. This is not one of them.

Jeez, if she's in such pain that she needs an epidural, how the flip do you expect her to be changing sheets etc. Put yourself in her shoes.

Pinkfreesias · 07/01/2021 12:27

Your first post seemed quite judgemental about the state of your mam's home, tbh. People with disabilities & chronic pain like your mother, and me, struggle with housework. And, like me, it probably upsets them that they can't keep their home as they'd like to.

If it bothers you so much, and you can't get a hotel, take some of your own bedding. Maybe you could help her out by doing some cleaning, laundry and tidying for her.

Hope your mam makes a swift recovery and finds the injection makes a real difference to her life.

DameFanny · 07/01/2021 12:30

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
What a cunty attitude to a loved relative
shouldistop · 07/01/2021 12:31

If it was my mother then I'd clean her house and of course stay with her to help her after a medical procedure

DameFanny · 07/01/2021 12:34

OP I hope you can get a good twin room in a hotel - maybe book 2 nights to be sure she's ok on her feet? And take a few food things you can add hot water to, so you can limit your take-out/room service bill

shouldistop · 07/01/2021 12:35

Also if she needs someone overnight then a hotel is completely pointless. How will you be looking after her if you're in a hotel?

anditgoeson · 07/01/2021 12:35

Oh OP you really need to help your Mum. When my Mum went for surgery I cleaned her house and changed her bed and bought shopping to make her nice food. She must struggle with cleaning if she has such bad back. If you can afford a hotel why don't you pay cleaners to go in and get the house nice for her. I think you need to care for her a bit here. If she's so strong maybe she's too proud to ask for help. I really think she'll be better going straight home after surgery personally.

Godimabitch · 07/01/2021 12:36

From your updates it sounds like the hotel is the best idea. Sounds like you're in a tough situation tbh.
I would expect a hotel to be ok with this, they must still be open as people need them for hospital visits and work and I read elsewhere that parents can still use them for child contact arrangements so I'd think providing care should be fine. Hope you manage to sort something.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 07/01/2021 12:38

Might be an idea to change your thread title. You are willing to help her, but doing via a hotel, and not her house. That is not 'not helping'. Maybe people are coming on the thread thinking you mean, literally, leaving her to it, which is not the case.

Wheresmykimchi · 07/01/2021 12:45

@contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain. As others have said, park the car round the corner if someone is likely to vandalise it.
Awful comment.

Op , lots of excuses.

Original poster
MattWanksock · 07/01/2021 12:45

@clairethewitch70 very interesting! Thank you. I did google it as I thought the same and why it was only mentioned in the 11th hour. The website I saw said "ideally" which is what she said so I think better safe than sorry and I know when she had a DP she got very over emotional about his lack of support over a similar procedure so didn't want her getting down unnecessarily

OP posts:
Murmurur · 07/01/2021 12:51

@Harrysmummy246 "You absolutely cannot stay in a hotel at the moment without very very specific reasons. This is not one of them."

That's actually a really good point. Staying in a hotel to give care to a family member I think would be allowed. Moving your mum from hospital into a hotel to receive your care is another matter entirely, when she would be much safer at home. It'll be her needs that define the caring, not yours.

Still, maybe you will find a hotel that's desperate to take your money. If your mum is really lucky, they might even serve food.

There clearly is a strong back story here, your mum is difficult and you are determined that YANBU no matter what we say. However with lockdown and your mum having so few people she can ask such an enormous favour of, I still think cleaning up a corner of one room and staying over is going to be your only way of ensuring she is safe and that she gets this pain relief that she clearly needs.

JillofTrades · 07/01/2021 12:56

Why don't you do a very lovely thing and clean her house and make a few Frozen meals so that she can recover in a clean home and not worry about meals for a bit?

DameFanny · 07/01/2021 12:58

@JillofTrades

Why don't you do a very lovely thing and clean her house and make a few Frozen meals so that she can recover in a clean home and not worry about meals for a bit?
Why don't you read the full thread and think about the implications of habitual hoarding for a bit?
81Byerley · 07/01/2021 13:04

My ex-husband was fine after his epidural for back pain, I don't understand why she'd need someone to stay. She could prepare in advance to minimise what she needs to do for 24 hours afterwards (Easy food and drinks, flask in bedroom). I wouldn't go if I were you.

Cheeseandwin5 · 07/01/2021 13:23

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Cheeseandwin5 · 07/01/2021 13:28

@81Byerley
My ex-husband was fine after his epidural for back pain, I don't understand why she'd need someone to stay.
Unless your XH has the same health, living situation and requirements and procedure as the OP's mum than your post is both redundant and pointless. Totally ridiculous comparison.

VinylDetective · 07/01/2021 13:34

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Onadifferentuniverse · 07/01/2021 13:47

‘ My ex-husband was fine after his epidural for back pain’

I was also fine after mine, but do you know what. Some people aren’t, it isn’t a competition.

Just because one person or even several people you know that had one were fine, it doesn’t mean everyone will be.

Onadifferentuniverse · 07/01/2021 13:48

I agree @Cheeseandwin5

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