To not want to help my mum

[MattWanksock]

My mum is having an epidural to help with back pain. She has been struggling with intense pain for some time after an accident over a year ago and is really looking forward to this as she believes it will help.

Yesterday (very late notice for the procedure) she stated that she has been told ideally she needs someone over night on the first night. We live over 100 miles away. She has a large enough house but it's not clean or really ready for someone to stay. I asked her where I would sleep and she said she would clear the bed in the big spare room (god knows when sheets last changed) or I could sleep in her room and she changes bedsheets on x day and therefore will only have slept in them once by the night of the e procedure.

There is also the issue that her neighbours have a history for damaging cars that park outside hers and have harassed her and one of her guests who she bubbled with in lockdown one which makes me very uncomfortable. I have looked at a hotel but have yet to hear back that they are allowing guests.

I don't think this would be breaking the rules as it's a medical procedure but I do not want to spend time in a car or hotel/house with someone who has spent the day in hospital undergoing a procedure and put my family at increased risk of catching. I'd never forgive myself if DD or DP caught it and it affected them. Also DD wants to come with me and I'm not sure.

Am i being heartless to leave her in the lurch? I would happily book the hotel but in covid times if seems risky. What would you do?

100% I'd be there, and I have. Slept on a mattress filled with cat hair, just to be there with her.

"Surely the whole point of needing someone to stay with her overnight is that they are close at hand if there are any problems and that they can keep an eye on her? How can you do this from a hotel?"

Op's Mum would be staying at the hotel with her!

I stayed for a couple of days to support my parents after my father had surgery,

We all wore face masks when in the same room - probably overkill but it put their minds at rest.

Take clean bedding and park your car somewhere else. Expecting someone to keep the house clean when living with severe back pain is not reasonable.

As others said being your own bedding and cleaning supplies. Park elsewhere. I would be installing some kind of cameras if someone is damaging cars outside your Moms house.

@MsJaneAusten

She’s sick and asking for help. If there’s no backstory of course you should go.

Go down the night before, clean bathroom and spare room and change sheets so that you’re comfortable.

Next morning, take her to the hospital and - if there’s time - go home and make a start on cleaning the rest of the house.

Bring her home, settle her in bed, keep cleaning.

Brilliant advice, this is what I would do too.

I’d do it for my mum. And given her back issues, I would change the beds myself too.

@VinylDetective, thank you. You just made my day

Absolutely. No question about it for a lovely mum you get on with. And what @MsJaneAusten said too.

Without going into detail as it's outing, this is not the sort of house you can blitz in a day or let alone a week. I have done this many times before including before she was ill and it is simply a pointless task. I have offered cleaners. I have offered everything but the way in which she chooses to live suits her and she happily spends her days dealing with the bits that are important to her.

It also may be well and good saying that you will all go and help but people don't when it comes down to it. A few trips to the shop or whatever suits but after this length of time, people stop. I am helping her get out of this situation at a speed that she's ready for so that I am able to offer more help but I can only do what I can do.

You may prefer to be in your house but she won't hence the hotel. I can't handle being there and I don't know how she does. But she does.

She can't come here, again due to the life she has chosen for herself and things I can't mention here as too outing. If it wasn't for them, She would be here.

And there are cameras but the police don't do anything.

@MattWanksock

I get what you say. Her house can’t be blitzed in a day.

Do why you can in a day . Caring is an ongoing thing. You usually have to do it again and again and again.

That’s better than stopping caring.

Why not go and take a sleeping bag or small single quilt(just buy a cheap one and dispose if necessary) and as others have said park elsewhere if necessary .Back pain can be very debilliating ,and as she is a lovely Mum it would be the best thing to support her in her hour of need .Plus how will you be able to sleep if you dont!?

I think I understand what you mean, OP. I would never stay at my mothers house because she's a chain smoker, and everything is covered in grime, and she would be really annoyed and offended if I went in and did anything about it. Even if I visit for an hour I come out feeling unclean and reeking of fags so I only arrange to meet her outside or somewhere else. No chance I could ever sleep there.

And if she comes to stay with me the first thing I do is make her put all her clothes in the wash (which she finds annoying but complies with).

Also I am in no way a clean freak, and live with two dogs and two cats, so my standards are not high at all.

Quite shocked by this one. What is happening to people? Just take a sleeping bag! Park further away. Surely it can't be so bad that you can't tolerate one night?

OP - what others have said - clean the house, wash sheets etc. and don't forget a big bunch of flowers too!

@Tigertigertigertiger 😂 yes that's the problem with cleaning isn't it! Not what I mean though, unless I were to live there again and keep on top of it daily, it's not going to change and she gets annoyed when I do it.

She has piles of stuff everywhere. So much so that I lost nearly a grand earlier this year when Trying to help her which would have been easily solved if she just opened her letters and handled things well. But she is lovely (and a nightmare) and this situation isn't her fault.

I’m not sure what’s happening to people or why we seem to have raised a generation that puts me first, last and centre. Sadly the next generation is watching this modelled and will think neglecting elderly parents is entirely normal. At least the right people will reap what they’ve sown.

Given there is no backstory, I can't imagine why you wouldn't go and help your mother? I couldn't in good conscience leave my mum in the lurch like that.
If this was you in the future, wouldn't you hope that your children would be kind enough to help if you have nobody else?

@GreenlandTheMovie I agree. Although sadly some don’t appreciate what they have until it’s gone.

@79andnotout yes! If I weren't an only child I'd ask if we are siblings

Thinking about it all, there is a massive back story but she is lovely, she does her best and this can't be helped. I suppose I'm at the end of my tether with it all.

@peboh

Given there is no backstory, I can't imagine why you wouldn't go and help your mother? I couldn't in good conscience leave my mum in the lurch like that. If this was you in the future, wouldn't you hope that your children would be kind enough to help if you have nobody else?

Except there is clearly a MASSIVE backstory, it turns out..

Today 08:26 contrmary

Are you likely to get a good inheritance from her? If so, it's probably worth the short term risk to avoid upsetting a long term gain.

Do people really think like this?

Ha ha cross post with OP, at least you admitted it! I hope you can work out something for all of you.