AIBU reducing Grandparents' care 1x day a week whilst I'm on mat leave?

[LadyLouOf2]

My parents absolutely dote on my kids. I feel bad to say that it's almost suffocating because they support us so much but they literally cannot go more than a few days without seeing them. My DD (aged 2.5) has spent one night a week there since she was 3-4 weeks old (I have always felt obliged to 'share' her). My Dad (her grandfather) runs a business and is often very stressed, Mum always likes to tell me that she's the only thing that brings him joy etc.

Anyway I'm currently on mat leave with DS (5 months old). My DH and I have had a bit of a disagreement with my parents over various things since I've been on mat leave so what used to be a very, very close bond (I used to call Mum 10+ times a day!) is now very strained and awkward, I don't think it'll get better any time soon as too much has happened (too much to explain). I still give them DD each week on the usual days that she would go there when I worked, and she stays overnight every Monday as she used to do. If I stopped that, and when I stopped her going there at the weekend the other week (because we simply enjoyed having her at home), I was told we were using her as a pawn sigh).

Anyway, I've also kept her at nursery whilst on mat leave as it's good for her development and she's very shy so it helps her come out of her shell. She does nursery 2x days a week 9am-3pm. My Mum then will have her 2 days a week (one of those being overnight). My DD absolutely LOVES going there as her cousin is also there (who is 6 months her junior). She breaks her heart when she leaves etc etc.

The thing is, not only do I feel massive Mum guilt, but the 4 days a week DD is not with me, I feel quite lonely at home with DS. Don't get me wrong, I realise how lucky I am to have the option of some quality time just me and the baby and that my parents are so keen to have her and I'm not ungrateful for that, but I really hate that Monday to Thursday I don't really see DD and I think I'll regret it when I go back to work. In the first few months of mat leave, I gave myself various tasks to keep busy when she was away (decorated a few rooms; I did all my Xmas shopping etc). But now I have v little to do and am at a bit of a loose end without her. Ordinarily, before things became strained, I'd have gone over to Mum's one of the 2 days she's there and would've spent the day with them (which is what my sis-in-law does) but I don't feel comfortable doing that now given the relationship .

I want to say to Mum that I really hate being without her 4 days a week and that whilst I'm not going to 'take away' their 2 days, I do want to see her more. I want to say that she can still come over one day a week on her own and stay overnight, but that the second day each week Mum can essentially 'share' her with me. Mum can come over to ours, meet us somewhere etc to spend time with her. I know she won't like that as (1) they like to have free reign at their house, Dad doesn't fully relax unless he's at home on his own with them and (b) they also often have my brother's child on that second day who has an annoyingly strict routine and has to take his naps 12-3 each day (and only in a cot) so they are restricted as to what they can do around those times (I live 45 min drive away from Mum so it'd be a bit of a faff for her to get over here around that time). I can see now they'll essentially phrase it as that I'm 'taking her away' from them. I can also see that they'll be unnecessarily awkward then when I go back to work in 5 - 6 months or so).

I'd really appreciate some views please before I raise it...

You need to be careful OP. My MIL has a very similar way of going on but I put up boundaries. She is actually not interested in my DS as she only wanted him if she could act like his parent. She lives abroad and wanted us to send him over to her (from 1) for the entire Summer every year. When we said no, she just didn't bother with him. She too needed alone time with him to "bond" and couldn't do it unless we were out of the picture. Your DM seems to need her time "alone" also.

My MIL's, Mother lived with her Son's family and completely took over the parenting. The children went to her for everything and she would also say their Mother wasn't the Mothering type. She died when the children were around 12 and 14 and they only got to know their Mother properly then. They are both angry with her for allowing the GM to dominate everything and feel she didn't fight enough to be their parent. The marriage was also rubbish because the GM was stuck in the middle of it. So everyone lost out except the GM who had everything she wanted until her dying breath.

You have to put your children/husband/ yourself before your DM needs. You can't possibly think it's in your daughters best interest to be away overnight when she was only a baby and that she needs to be with her so much away from her brother and primary family. She is probably manipulating your daughter with "you prefer Grandma", "Grandma is so loving, takes care of you so well, we couldn't live without you blah blah.

It is good to have involved grandparents, really lovely for children. Your mother and father are replacement/competitive parents though which is completely different.

I'm always wary of grandparents needing alone time. Why? What do they want to do or say to the child without you there? It's creepy.

OP I think it’s pretty unanimous on here you need to change this . I’m sorry you feel hurt by some posts though.

@Horehound

I'm always wary of grandparents needing alone time. Why? What do they want to do or say to the child without you there? It's creepy.

So do you assume their sexually abusing them or trying to turn them against you?

It's really sad that you'd assume if you're parents asked to babysit so they could spend time with your child, it's too harm them in some way.

to be honest for me what stood out was handing a newborn baby over for overnights from 3 weeks. There is absolutely no way my mother or MIL would have been having my babies overnight. I am surprised your DH has tolerated your relationship with your parents. Your poor DD is caught up in it now. Why dont you start by talking to your DH about the way forward, get his views on what type of relationship he wants his DC to have with your over involved parents. He is one of the parents too, he asked for quality time with his new baby and you couldnt give him that.

@SleepingStandingUp Christ sexually abusing is a bit of a leap isn't it? Jesus.
No, I just find it peculiar that grandparents actually specify that they want to see the grandchildren on their own.
Like my parents look after my boy for childcare but if my mum said oh can you bring X but we want to see him on his own I would find it weird. Like why does he have to be on his own? It's rude!
I've seen on threads before "my MIL wants to take the baby overnight on his own"...why specifically on his own? Why not have the parents sleep over too? It's because they want to play mum rather than granny and that is fucking creepy. In my opinion.

The whole situation sounds way over the top. It sounds like you need to back off completely. I don't understand why your mum wants to look after your daughter on her own all the time,and from 4 weeks old. This is not in the interest of your own family and it also seems odd to go behind your husband's back to meet your mum. Your relationship with your husband should always come before your mother (although I think keeping her out for 2 weeks was unkind, you should have discussed with husband not sneaked off behind his back. Does he know about this?).

Perhaps a period of much reduced contact is needed before going back to a more normal level of contact (meet up all together once a week for example).

It's because they want to play mum rather than granny and that is fucking creepy. In my opinion. Yes agree, we have this in our family and it really creeps me out for some reason. No issue at all with gps looking after children but the pretending to be mum thing is seriously weird. The GP who doesn't do this sees far more of the children

Yes, the rules are different in Wales, I think only single households are allowed to form support bubbles, with no allowance being made for babies under one, so there's your 'get-out' clause.

What harm would she be popping in for 20mins cause you and your “little family”. This all sounds so silly. I’d love that support, we have no support at all, at all.

I’d disagree completely, and I have no support either. None. No surviving family at all. And the idea of my in-laws popping round is horrendous. I’d want DH to be on my side for that, and he would be. Of course his parents can meet our baby, but we’ll spend some time just the two of us.

I think the comment on the last page about having no contract with your mum is pertinent. As a PP said, if you carry on the way you are going, it’s not unthinkable that your DD could run to your mums when the going gets tough, as it always will with teenagers, and that your mum could argue for parental rights.

OP, I dont think you fully realise how controlling they are but it comes out in your words. They 'let' you go on honeymoon a few days ahead of them coming out. LET YOU, really!! You are not the child. You are a fully functioning adult and they need to realise this. You give them far too much say and power over you life.
As I and some others are trying to prompt you to think of the future a bit. I mentioned when she starts school, you are going to need major boundaries before this. I dont think you realise how busy school kids are. There is school, homework, trip to the park with friends and mums after school, play dates, parties (there is usually loads, if your mum has her weekend will she 'allow' her to go on 'her' time). Any after school/weekend activities she starts. She is going need to bond and build friendships and then spend time at home and she will be knackered and need lots of sleep from all this then there's your mum......demanding her spot. And as others have warned the longer this goes on your mum and then her will start picking you off against each other. It'll be like having a co parenting role with your own parents!!

OP my ex in laws are Welsh and has similar expectations for lengthy residential stays, either DC at theirs or at our house.

They had kids relatively young by today’s measure and were on strike for some really key years so they didn’t have their own house or whatever. Their grandparents took on the kids while they were young and provided housing/care while they built up careers, and I think my in-laws just had this unspoken expectation they’d have the same role despite us being homeowners in our 30’s by the time DC arrived- I’d worked for many years and was looking forward to Mat leave with my children I wasn’t desperate/reliant on their ‘help’ for a ‘break’ and this did cause tension.

They offered to have DC e.o Fri to allow DH to do a 9 day fortnight. I was very clear, as they lived about 1hr away, that I was nervous about relying on family for care and I didn’t want them staying overnight every fortnight and would need lots of notice if they went on holiday etc- they were adamant I was being silly and it was fine, of course they’d rarely stay over.... Fast forward two years and they’re over for dinner every Thursday night and staying on Friday to announce on Saturday morning ‘wouldn’t it be nice to go out for lunch all together?’ Argh!