AIBU reducing Grandparents' care 1x day a week whilst I'm on mat leave?

[LadyLouOf2]

My parents absolutely dote on my kids. I feel bad to say that it's almost suffocating because they support us so much but they literally cannot go more than a few days without seeing them. My DD (aged 2.5) has spent one night a week there since she was 3-4 weeks old (I have always felt obliged to 'share' her). My Dad (her grandfather) runs a business and is often very stressed, Mum always likes to tell me that she's the only thing that brings him joy etc.

Anyway I'm currently on mat leave with DS (5 months old). My DH and I have had a bit of a disagreement with my parents over various things since I've been on mat leave so what used to be a very, very close bond (I used to call Mum 10+ times a day!) is now very strained and awkward, I don't think it'll get better any time soon as too much has happened (too much to explain). I still give them DD each week on the usual days that she would go there when I worked, and she stays overnight every Monday as she used to do. If I stopped that, and when I stopped her going there at the weekend the other week (because we simply enjoyed having her at home), I was told we were using her as a pawn sigh).

Anyway, I've also kept her at nursery whilst on mat leave as it's good for her development and she's very shy so it helps her come out of her shell. She does nursery 2x days a week 9am-3pm. My Mum then will have her 2 days a week (one of those being overnight). My DD absolutely LOVES going there as her cousin is also there (who is 6 months her junior). She breaks her heart when she leaves etc etc.

The thing is, not only do I feel massive Mum guilt, but the 4 days a week DD is not with me, I feel quite lonely at home with DS. Don't get me wrong, I realise how lucky I am to have the option of some quality time just me and the baby and that my parents are so keen to have her and I'm not ungrateful for that, but I really hate that Monday to Thursday I don't really see DD and I think I'll regret it when I go back to work. In the first few months of mat leave, I gave myself various tasks to keep busy when she was away (decorated a few rooms; I did all my Xmas shopping etc). But now I have v little to do and am at a bit of a loose end without her. Ordinarily, before things became strained, I'd have gone over to Mum's one of the 2 days she's there and would've spent the day with them (which is what my sis-in-law does) but I don't feel comfortable doing that now given the relationship .

I want to say to Mum that I really hate being without her 4 days a week and that whilst I'm not going to 'take away' their 2 days, I do want to see her more. I want to say that she can still come over one day a week on her own and stay overnight, but that the second day each week Mum can essentially 'share' her with me. Mum can come over to ours, meet us somewhere etc to spend time with her. I know she won't like that as (1) they like to have free reign at their house, Dad doesn't fully relax unless he's at home on his own with them and (b) they also often have my brother's child on that second day who has an annoyingly strict routine and has to take his naps 12-3 each day (and only in a cot) so they are restricted as to what they can do around those times (I live 45 min drive away from Mum so it'd be a bit of a faff for her to get over here around that time). I can see now they'll essentially phrase it as that I'm 'taking her away' from them. I can also see that they'll be unnecessarily awkward then when I go back to work in 5 - 6 months or so).

I'd really appreciate some views please before I raise it...

Serious question: what is going to happen when your daughter starts school? Are they still going to insist she stays there overnight? Are they going to demand she stays one day over the weekend to “make up” for not seeing her during the week?

Your daughter (and son) are not toys to be shared and I agree with the other posters that have mentioned favouritism towards your daughter over your son.

I think you need to have a serious conversation or series of conversations with your parents and stop avoiding it.
This is unhealthy and from personal experience that awkwardness won't go away until its discussed like adults. Explain that you weren't pushing her out that you wanted space with your wee family, this was your family time and were open to others after that time. That their wee dramatics have cause a negative effect on the relationship and you miss her. Explain that while you aren't stopping relationships or sleepovers these are your kids not hers.
You need to explain that you are missing your kids and they are your kids. There are separated parents seeing their kids more than you!!!

It's a good point whoever said what if your marriage breaks down. If your husband and you got 50:50 your parents will still expect 'their' share of time with your DD..!

I don't think very small children benefit from seeing grandparents for more than a few hours at a time. It's nice for the adults but the children would be just as happy with their parents IMO.

YANBU at all. You will really regret this later on, get yo ur dd back and spend time with her.

This sounds unhealthy on both parts, I think that needs to be said, it's not just your parents at fault here, you are hugely at fault too. I think you sound like a bit of user to be honest.

I think you were wrong with shutting them out after you had your ds. That will be unpopular here but if my dd grew up, moved away and came back, if I gave her husband a job, minded her dd twice a week, had a close relationship with her and then she said I couldn't visit for 2 weeks I would be pissed off. You admitted they never over stay their welcome, I don't think you can go from all to nothing like that. And your behaviour about sneaking over to see your mother was plain weird, but yet you have turned it into a damned if I do damned if I don't situation when actually it was odd and your mother was right. You need to establish healthy boundaries you all do, but you are just as much at fault as your parents are I think

I agree with all the other posts. Also I hate to be 'that person' because I'm reasonably relaxed when it comes to all the restrictions... But I'm fairly sure some of this is not allowed currently anyway. If they are your support bubble, they can't also see their childcare bubble at the same time (so your brother and family).

Also... Whilst I have found the last year, and lockdown with a 4m and 2.5 year old VERY tough.. My two are now 3 and 1, and have a really lovely relationship. I think in part this is down to how much time they have been able to (had to) spend together at home.
Your daughter has hardly any time to spend with her mum, dad and New brother.

I can see now they'll essentially phrase it as that I'm 'taking her away' from them.

If that's the sort of reaction they would have, I would be 'taking her away' pretty much entirely and making other arrangements. That would worry me.

You always have to pay for childcare. Either you pay people money, or you pay this - working through all the emotional and boundary issues, negotiating what happens with second child, school starting, etc.

I agree with other posters that you need to stop seeing quite so much of them, and also your husband needs a new job.

However, as a smaller first step, is there any reason you can't just bring DS along and stay when you drop DD off one day. Just be really breezy about it. "Oh, I thought it would be great to take advantage of mat leave and let DS, DD and Cousin bond as a little family!". "Gosh, it's so nice not having to drop DD and rush into work. Shall I put the kettle on?" "What are you doing this afternoon? Oh that sounds brilliant, I'll bring DS and meet you all there."

Just invite yourself - make your DM say she doesn't want you there, if that's the case.

Can’t you just suggest you want DD to bond with her brother more for a while?

Agree with a poster above that you need to consider what you do with regards to school for both dd and ds.

My comments are assuming that at some point things go back to more normal.

Will it really be possible for you to add a 45 minute trip (assume an hour and a half round trip ) to the start and end of your day ?
Assuming you get her into a local school to your home do you think that the mid week overnight stay will continue to be practical given the fixed start and end times of school sessions ?
If this overnight changes to weekends do you really want to do that as this may mean you end up with the day to day grind and they get the weekend free time .

Also these overnights will impact on socialising , clubs or other activities - do you want that?

You have an ideal opportunity to reduce /stop the overnights in preparation to starting school.

You miss her, she needs to bond with her brother. Reason enough. If they moan then they are making this about them and not what’s best for her.

If you want to reduce it to one day then just reduce it, let the emotional blackmail go over your head.

However you then do have to be mindful that she might be awkward about you wanting childcare when you return to work. And I’m assuming you will want her to have new baby as well?....

So she looks after 2 of her grandkids already and possible a third, which I imagine saves you and your sibling (in law?) a fair chunk of money.....

I don’t know, whilst I agree you don’t need to ever “share” your child, you also cannot pick and choose someone’s involvement in their lives if you are using them as free childcare.

This is why I just pay for my childcare and advise everyone I know to do the same. Professionals who follow my wishes because they are paid to

When your daughter stays overnight, what time do you get her back the next day? Is it early morning or is it going on for 2.5 days with grandparents?
If your relationship completely breaks down with them, they would stand a good chance of getting access through the courts.
As others have said, when your child starts school are they going to expect overnight access every weekend?
I would look at putting your children into nursery more after maternity leave otherwise it does look lime you are using them.
If this continues it is going to cause a big rift between your children. Your daughter is obviously the favoured child and your son will soon pick up on that.

Assuming you are in?
First off support bubbles are for single people or those with caring responsibilities.
You have a husband and are on maternity leave, your parents are a couple - none of you need a support bubble.
Your daughter should not have been staying with them at all this year.

They has your daughter form 3 days but never had your son? That is a big red flag for issues between you son and daughter growing up.

I understand you keeping the nursery place up during your mat leave but them stealing her for 2 days every week is not healthy for anybody.

Going against your husband and taking your son to them 'in secret' is odd and again unhealthy.

My dh works shifts. I'd spend the days he was on nights sleeping with my parents, they would occasionally have the kids for a sleepover but not often.

The term 'share' when used to describe your child is quite frankly disturbing.

@LadyLouOf2
Firstly I would say that there is nothing wrong with being close to your parents, however this does appear to be entering the suffocating territory.

I do think that the request for 2 weeks without seeing their new grandson was hurtful and completely Unreasonable for you to request. I am guessing it’s something your DH pushed as some kind of taking back control but that really wasn’t the way to do it. I know my mother and mother in law would have been desperately hurt by this.

However what’s done is done and you can’t go back.

Regarding the overnights I would leave these in place. I can have a fractious relationship with my mother but my eldest DD spends an evening a week with my DM and adores it. It benefits both and I expect my 2nd DD to follow suit.

Regarding your mat leave, do whatever you want to do and what works for your family. 1 day and overnight a week with you popping in another time and them maybe popping into you for a coffee another time is to plenty.
Explain to your mum why you are doing it- this is your one chance of having this time off. If she is reasonable she will understand. If she doesn’t understand then she has an issue whereby she doesn’t understand that you have a family separate to hers and that will probably cause ongoing issues.

We have discontinued with my DM providing childcare on a couple of occasions

1. When I was on mat leave, however I still paid DM a reduced rate and she saw lots of us so that was fine.
2. For 1 year when my DH was out of work. Tough because we didn’t pay DM - money was obviously a worry. My DM missed the children, the money and was bored so that was tough

3 During this pandemic. We are both working from home and the youngest is 10 so no need for childcare. This has been really tough

So I do understand where you are coming from - you are torn between pleasing your and pleasing your own family.

Do understand though that your own family needs must must come first or your family won’t thrive

Also ignore the people banging on about support bubbles etc. Everything doesn’t have to be about Covid

merrygoround51 I agree. And those that keep trying to tell the OP off for seeing family should at least get the ‘rules’ right first. 10kstepsaroundthegardenthen The OP has a child under 1 and as of the start of December has been perfectly within her rights to have a support bubble as the rules were changed.

[quote LadyLouOf2]@TokenGinger 100% THIS. I like that DD has a great bond with them - I used to be so close to my Granny - but I just hate this whole power struggle. The relationship with Mum is a big part of this as you say and if we could repair that then spending a day on a Wednesday together would actually be lovely for all of us. But I just don't know how / when / if things will ever go back to normal with Mum after everything that's gone on. I do miss her friendship though. To the other poster telling me to find friends, I have many (and lots of those try to tell me how "lucky" I am for this support....), but the relationship with one's mum is different, imo anyway.

And yes - my folks are my support bubble. Husband is a key worker as he works in manufacture / retail[/quote]
I'm a grandmother.

I think this setup is wrong, and if you don't stop it they'll have both your DC and it will get much, MUCH harder to bring up your own children.

I’m confused, are you in the Uk? We’re in a lockdown. You’re mixing three households.

Gosh you are in a tricky situation, haven't got any advice but just remember whilst you're trying to keep everyone else happy - who's looking at for your happiness?

I do understand your dilemma - you are/were very close to your mum, plus you NEED them to still take her 2 days when you go back to work. I think you've just got to be clear and upfront:
"Mum, as you know, we've found it a challenge getting the balance right between time DGC have with me and time with you. I love that you guys have such a strong bond and really appreciate all the time you've looked after DD when I've been working. Now I'm more into my maternity leave, I miss DD and think I'll regret not seeing her more when I go back to work, so just for these few months we're going to go down to 1 day per week with you, and on the other day I'd love for us to do some things together as a family with you."

Don't phrase it as a question, and go overboard on gratitude for their support, and hopefully she'll be OK with it. The only issue might be that she'll start to push for DD to drop a nursery day instead - but hopefully she won't, and if she does, you can emphasise your concerns about her shyness and need to socialise.

@Owwlie

merrygoround51 I agree. And those that keep trying to tell the OP off for seeing family should at least get the ‘rules’ right first. 10kstepsaroundthegardenthen The OP has a child under 1 and as of the start of December has been perfectly within her rights to have a support bubble as the rules were changed.

From the gov. Website

You should not form a support bubble with a household that is part of another support bubble.

So no this isn't allowed as the sil is another household the GP have over.

merrygoround51

Nothing wrong at all with op wanting 2 weeks with her family straight after giving birth! It was good of op to let her M see baby in the night he was born.

Op, why have they never had your DS?

@Edgeoftheledge

Op, why have they never had your DS?

They have totally tried and have had him on an ad hoc basis on one of the days a week that they have my DD whenever I've had stuff to do or needed to check in for some bits for work or life admin etc. It's not through their want of trying that they haven't had him overnight, or for more during the day. Before I'd even given birth mum was talking about the days she'd have both kids together when I was on Mat Leave to give me a bit of a break, I just ignored it and don't feel like I need a break, I'm fine.

Also for the Covid police, we are in Wales. There have been different rules throughout. They have only seen my nephew and my DD whenever it has been permitted.