AIBU reducing Grandparents' care 1x day a week whilst I'm on mat leave?

[LadyLouOf2]

My parents absolutely dote on my kids. I feel bad to say that it's almost suffocating because they support us so much but they literally cannot go more than a few days without seeing them. My DD (aged 2.5) has spent one night a week there since she was 3-4 weeks old (I have always felt obliged to 'share' her). My Dad (her grandfather) runs a business and is often very stressed, Mum always likes to tell me that she's the only thing that brings him joy etc.

Anyway I'm currently on mat leave with DS (5 months old). My DH and I have had a bit of a disagreement with my parents over various things since I've been on mat leave so what used to be a very, very close bond (I used to call Mum 10+ times a day!) is now very strained and awkward, I don't think it'll get better any time soon as too much has happened (too much to explain). I still give them DD each week on the usual days that she would go there when I worked, and she stays overnight every Monday as she used to do. If I stopped that, and when I stopped her going there at the weekend the other week (because we simply enjoyed having her at home), I was told we were using her as a pawn sigh).

Anyway, I've also kept her at nursery whilst on mat leave as it's good for her development and she's very shy so it helps her come out of her shell. She does nursery 2x days a week 9am-3pm. My Mum then will have her 2 days a week (one of those being overnight). My DD absolutely LOVES going there as her cousin is also there (who is 6 months her junior). She breaks her heart when she leaves etc etc.

The thing is, not only do I feel massive Mum guilt, but the 4 days a week DD is not with me, I feel quite lonely at home with DS. Don't get me wrong, I realise how lucky I am to have the option of some quality time just me and the baby and that my parents are so keen to have her and I'm not ungrateful for that, but I really hate that Monday to Thursday I don't really see DD and I think I'll regret it when I go back to work. In the first few months of mat leave, I gave myself various tasks to keep busy when she was away (decorated a few rooms; I did all my Xmas shopping etc). But now I have v little to do and am at a bit of a loose end without her. Ordinarily, before things became strained, I'd have gone over to Mum's one of the 2 days she's there and would've spent the day with them (which is what my sis-in-law does) but I don't feel comfortable doing that now given the relationship .

I want to say to Mum that I really hate being without her 4 days a week and that whilst I'm not going to 'take away' their 2 days, I do want to see her more. I want to say that she can still come over one day a week on her own and stay overnight, but that the second day each week Mum can essentially 'share' her with me. Mum can come over to ours, meet us somewhere etc to spend time with her. I know she won't like that as (1) they like to have free reign at their house, Dad doesn't fully relax unless he's at home on his own with them and (b) they also often have my brother's child on that second day who has an annoyingly strict routine and has to take his naps 12-3 each day (and only in a cot) so they are restricted as to what they can do around those times (I live 45 min drive away from Mum so it'd be a bit of a faff for her to get over here around that time). I can see now they'll essentially phrase it as that I'm 'taking her away' from them. I can also see that they'll be unnecessarily awkward then when I go back to work in 5 - 6 months or so).

I'd really appreciate some views please before I raise it...

[quote merrygoround51]@LadyLouOf2
Firstly I would say that there is nothing wrong with being close to your parents, however this does appear to be entering the suffocating territory.

I do think that the request for 2 weeks without seeing their new grandson was hurtful and completely Unreasonable for you to request. I am guessing it’s something your DH pushed as some kind of taking back control but that really wasn’t the way to do it. I know my mother and mother in law would have been desperately hurt by this.

However what’s done is done and you can’t go back.

Regarding the overnights I would leave these in place. I can have a fractious relationship with my mother but my eldest DD spends an evening a week with my DM and adores it. It benefits both and I expect my 2nd DD to follow suit.

Regarding your mat leave, do whatever you want to do and what works for your family. 1 day and overnight a week with you popping in another time and them maybe popping into you for a coffee another time is to plenty.
Explain to your mum why you are doing it- this is your one chance of having this time off. If she is reasonable she will understand. If she doesn’t understand then she has an issue whereby she doesn’t understand that you have a family separate to hers and that will probably cause ongoing issues.

We have discontinued with my DM providing childcare on a couple of occasions

1. When I was on mat leave, however I still paid DM a reduced rate and she saw lots of us so that was fine.
2. For 1 year when my DH was out of work. Tough because we didn’t pay DM - money was obviously a worry. My DM missed the children, the money and was bored so that was tough

3 During this pandemic. We are both working from home and the youngest is 10 so no need for childcare. This has been really tough

So I do understand where you are coming from - you are torn between pleasing your and pleasing your own family.

Do understand though that your own family needs must must come first or your family won’t thrive[/quote]
This is really very helpful and fair. Appreciate the reply.

Can I just add that the reason this weekly overnight stay happened is because I am away from home for work one night a week (I do 2 long days away with an overnight). Whilst my husband could've fully had her that night, mum n dad insisted they have her. It also then meant that DH got a night where he had the ability to work late if he needed and he'd start early the following morning at 5:15 (instead of doing that a morning when I was home), which wouldn't have been possible if he had DD.

So what I'm thinking is:

• she stays nursery 2 days a week
• she goes to mum n dad as usual for one full day and her overnight stay, as both DD and GP enjoy it. Plus I guess I get a bit of time, not that I feel I particularly need it atm...
• the second full day she usually gets with them, I will phrase it as we can all do something together. Either we go for a walk, or she comes to us or I'm happy to drive over to her. This morning, DD went there and it was a big rush to get her out the house at 7:30 when DH left for work and I was then left in the house thinking "what the hell?! I'm on mat leave. There is no need for a big mid week rush as though I was in work". I plan to take her there by mid morning, all have a few hours together, I get to do a quick run while I leave mum with both etc, and then I take them back with me at 4ish. That way mum has seen them and so have I. As opposed to right now where she leaves at 7:30 and gets back at 6 and I've just killed time all day without her.

I couldn't do this , my mil did keep coming and taking my son after I had a third baby , I had to put a stop to it , I couldn't get into a proper routine with all the 3 kids because of it . You need to put a stop to it they can't relive their parenting through your children.

I'd say do what you need to do - they are your children. However, do have a think about the fact that if your parents throw all toys out the cot you could have no childcare at all from them (just worth mentioning).

@LadyLouOf2 I thought that all schools and nurseries were now only open to vulnerable children or those whose parents are both key workers?
With you being on mat leave and your husband working for your parents I can’t see how you fall into this category, so why is your dd at nursery 2 days a week?

Your mum will end up emotionally black mailing your dd, the same as she does to you.

You will never get this time back with your dd - sounds trite but believe me it's true. The times I spent with my dd when she was your dd's age are very precious memories, and helped build the foundation of our relationship. She's an adult now and I don't say any of this lightly.

Tread very carefully OP. Like it or not you have allowed a situation to arise where grandparents are at least as important attachment figures to your child as you are. Now your relationship has ruptured this will pose issues. By all means exert some control, but your poor little one will likely be used as a pawn and might internalise their view that you are responsible. She will also likely 'act out' as a child or teenager if for any reason she has to have less contact with them (or struggle with losing them more if they sadly die). This is a mess for her mental health and there is no easy action.

@CalmdownJanet

This sounds unhealthy on both parts, I think that needs to be said, it's not just your parents at fault here, you are hugely at fault too. I think you sound like a bit of user to be honest.

I think you were wrong with shutting them out after you had your ds. That will be unpopular here but if my dd grew up, moved away and came back, if I gave her husband a job, minded her dd twice a week, had a close relationship with her and then she said I couldn't visit for 2 weeks I would be pissed off. You admitted they never over stay their welcome, I don't think you can go from all to nothing like that. And your behaviour about sneaking over to see your mother was plain weird, but yet you have turned it into a damned if I do damned if I don't situation when actually it was odd and your mother was right. You need to establish healthy boundaries you all do, but you are just as much at fault as your parents are I think

I'm very aware of this and I'm grateful to you for being so honest. I agree that not letting them see DS during those two weeks wasn't the right thing to do. DH and I had a barney about it at the time when he suggested it being "just us". But I had to stick by him, he's my husband and that's my immediate family unit. I was apologetic to mum and I did everything within my power that they DID see the kids during that time. It's really affected the relationship though and they no longer call to ours at all really. I either said no to my husband and said that we allow all visitors or said no to my parents etc. To be fair, they'd already seen him the night he was born, I'd got home from hospital 7 hours earlier. The salt in the wounds for them though is that FIL visited on Day10 (they live much further away so see the kids just a handful of times a year). That left a bitter taste and rightly so. Mum n dad were of the view that they do so much with us and get blocked out for two weeks, then FIL who is totally hopeless w the kids and makes no effort gets to waltz over at Day 10. That is entirely fair but given lockdown etc, FIL wanted to take the opportunity to travel over whilst he could. MIL didn't come as she's v nervous and still hasn't met her grandson.

I think the best thing to do would be to have dd in nursery 3 days. If you must keep the weekly sleepover, then send her lunchtime on sleepover day and go the following morning and swap dc. Leave ds there for the day with them and take dd off for some 1.2.1 time. Then have both kids home for bed that night.

[quote Myheartisbroken91]**@LadyLouOf2 I thought that all schools and nurseries were now only open to vulnerable children or those whose parents are both key workers?
With you being on mat leave and your husband working for your parents I can’t see how you fall into this category, so why is your dd at nursery 2 days a week?[/quote]
No- nurseries are open to ALL children (in Wales anyway). You don't have to be a key worker or vulnerable to send your DC to an "early years setting" here

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

I think the best thing to do would be to have dd in nursery 3 days. If you must keep the weekly sleepover, then send her lunchtime on sleepover day and go the following morning and swap dc. Leave ds there for the day with them and take dd off for some 1.2.1 time. Then have both kids home for bed that night.

Ideally yes lunchtime to following morning. But that wouldn't work when I got back to work. Also means that she misses out on a chunk of the day with her little cousin who (whenever C19 rules allow) is also there. So the main option is go there first thing that morn and sleepover. The second day they have her tho, it's not going to be as it was today where she's rushed out at 7:30 with DH for no reason just so mum gets the full day w her. I'll take her over after a leisurely morn together etc. If it means I have to up her to 3x days nursery when back at work then so be it, have no issue w that. It's more the GP that feel they'll be "punished"

It’s such a difficult balance to get. I’m just prepping my parents and MIL to the chnage that will come when our second arrives in the next two weeks as both have had polar opposite reactions! My parents who have DC1 2 days per week (4weeks out of 6 to work round husbands rota) never have her if my DH is off work as they don’t want to deprive him of his time with her , yet MIL who has DC1 one day per week always has her even if husband is off and then DC is in nursery for the other two days. My parents have already said that they don’t expect to have DC1 at all while I’m on mat leave, unless I ask them to for a bit of down time, yet MIL has already said how sad she’ll be if she doesn’t have DC1 every week as DH told her that while I’m on mat leave we won’t need her to! I think the main issue is that I’m going to be creating a support bubble with my parents (as mum doesn’t work at all so is around all the time) and we will only have a childcare bubble with in laws as they both still work! DH is fully supportive but I think MIL thinks that we are going to deprive her of seeing the grandchildren and doesn’t seem to understand that most of it is due to the rules of the current pandemic or the fact that I want to spend as much time as possible with both my children before I go back to work!

I think the reason you fell out with your mum who was your best friend is really silly. What harm would she be popping in for 20mins cause you and your “little family”. This all sounds so silly. I’d love that support, we have no support at all, at all. It’s easier to have support than nothing. You’re being ungrateful tful. I think your parents are right to be hurt you shut them out when they supported to you much.

@F1rstt1imer

It’s such a difficult balance to get. I’m just prepping my parents and MIL to the chnage that will come when our second arrives in the next two weeks as both have had polar opposite reactions! My parents who have DC1 2 days per week (4weeks out of 6 to work round husbands rota) never have her if my DH is off work as they don’t want to deprive him of his time with her , yet MIL who has DC1 one day per week always has her even if husband is off and then DC is in nursery for the other two days. My parents have already said that they don’t expect to have DC1 at all while I’m on mat leave, unless I ask them to for a bit of down time, yet MIL has already said how sad she’ll be if she doesn’t have DC1 every week as DH told her that while I’m on mat leave we won’t need her to! I think the main issue is that I’m going to be creating a support bubble with my parents (as mum doesn’t work at all so is around all the time) and we will only have a childcare bubble with in laws as they both still work! DH is fully supportive but I think MIL thinks that we are going to deprive her of seeing the grandchildren and doesn’t seem to understand that most of it is due to the rules of the current pandemic or the fact that I want to spend as much time as possible with both my children before I go back to work!

Your parents sound so reasonable. Your in laws sound like my own parents. My folks struggle when we used to even go on family holidays and they were without DD for a week. The night we got back from holiday they'd be asking to have her overnight straight away. Don't get me wrong, DD loves it and of course is spoilt there, it's a v difficult balance to achieve. I'm not ungrateful for their support, or a "user" as PP said 😢 but I must admit to feeling suffocated

That seems a reasonable compromise. I genuinely wasn’t being ‘the covid police’ when I suggested using the pandemic as an excuse, I was serious as it might have given you breathing space to choose.

@Lookslikerainted

I think the reason you fell out with your mum who was your best friend is really silly. What harm would she be popping in for 20mins cause you and your “little family”. This all sounds so silly. I’d love that support, we have no support at all, at all. It’s easier to have support than nothing. You’re being ungrateful tful. I think your parents are right to be hurt you shut them out when they supported to you much.

I agree and I really, really tried to facilitate them seeing DC during those two weeks but overall I had to stick by my husband's wish to just be us 4 for a couple of weeks. What hurt me with mum was the text she sent to her friend saying that it was "terrible" that I was popping to see mum n dad w the kids during those 2 weeks after my midwife appointments without DH knowing. I was doing everything I could for them to see the kids despite DH's wish. She's my mum, she was my best friend, she shouldn't have been telling her own friend about what I was doing without my husband knowing. Also we took 3 weeks deciding on his name. When I told 3 people what his name was, they all said "oh you're mum said you thought you were thinking of that, that's really lovely". I'd obviously told mum the short list of names. Why had she told people "I think it might be X..."?! Imagine we had changed our minds. I just felt, feel, really betrayed

@GabsAlot

yes thats another problem how long has your dh worked for them

2.5 years

@Motnight

Your mum will end up emotionally black mailing your dd, the same as she does to you.

You will never get this time back with your dd - sounds trite but believe me it's true. The times I spent with my dd when she was your dd's age are very precious memories, and helped build the foundation of our relationship. She's an adult now and I don't say any of this lightly.

I agree with this completely. I would tread very carefully OP or you might find your normal mother/daughter 'battles' become the two of them against you.

Hmmm while the 2 weeks thing post birth wasn't ideal, I wonder if it was DH reacting to your situation as a whole. Would they have been around daily had he not tried to manage it?

Your mum doesn't sound a healthy influence for you or your DC.

@Thedarknightsaredrawingin

That seems a reasonable compromise. I genuinely wasn’t being ‘the covid police’ when I suggested using the pandemic as an excuse, I was serious as it might have given you breathing space to choose.

No sorry the COVID police comment wasn't as you directly, there are heaps of comments in the thread about them. I'm new to this app and it's my first post, I wasn't sure how to "reply all" as it were 🤨

@LadyLouOf2 my mum was like this. We were so close, we moved to her village. Went everywhere together. She adored my kids and even came on honeymoon with us. She was really close with my eldest because he was first. Loved the others but didn’t get chance to have them so much and still had my eldest twice a week, took him on holiday.

Over the years, it fell into an assumed pattern. We had a fall out when he got to 11. About something else. He kept ringing her, going to hers. One day I wouldn’t let him go out with friends and we were arguing a lot about boundaries. He decided to go to nannas. He hasn’t ever come home, he will be 16 soon. She took me to court for parental responsibility and completely alienated him from us. He’s horrible to us now. Utterly poisoned, and we’re having to move away.

Reclaim your child now.

[quote Thehop]@LadyLouOf2 my mum was like this. We were so close, we moved to her village. Went everywhere together. She adored my kids and even came on honeymoon with us. She was really close with my eldest because he was first. Loved the others but didn’t get chance to have them so much and still had my eldest twice a week, took him on holiday.

Over the years, it fell into an assumed pattern. We had a fall out when he got to 11. About something else. He kept ringing her, going to hers. One day I wouldn’t let him go out with friends and we were arguing a lot about boundaries. He decided to go to nannas. He hasn’t ever come home, he will be 16 soon. She took me to court for parental responsibility and completely alienated him from us. He’s horrible to us now. Utterly poisoned, and we’re having to move away.

Reclaim your child now.[/quote]
My goodness this literally could've been me writing this post. They also came on honeymoon w us (a variety of reasons, we'd already had DD and they let us have a few days together first before they flew out to us). My DD is also their first grandchild and the relationship they have with her is so different to the others.

When mum hands her back now, she kicks and screams. It's really embarrassing but I just put it down to toddler tantrums. Your post has really resonated with me.

@LadyLouOf2 why did your husband only want you 4? I find that quite unreasonable. You’re the one whose gone through labour/pregnancy. If you want your mum to visit she should. You shouldn’t have to sneak around to see her, that’s probably what she thought was terrible. But I agree she shouldn’t have spoken about you behind your back.

Honestly though, life is too short! Just have an honest talk with her. Try and make it up. Wouldn’t life be easier and happier if you made up?

This isn't ok OP. Did you look up FOG - fear, obligation, guilt- as another poster suggested a while ago? Your DD is not a prize to be fought over, awarded or withheld. You are not modelling healthy relationships for her and DS.

I'd use this time to really think about how you want things to be in the longer term, do you actually want your mum to be your DDs second parent? What will happen when DC start school? Or want to go to playdates or a sports club after school on 'her' days? You can kick this down the road a bit to avoid drama, but you are only postponing the inevitable.

And I'd suggest stopping using your mum as your childcare after mat leave, this situation is in no way worth the money you save on nursery fees. You can't assert boundaries now and expect her to be on tap when it suits you, so you need to decide what's more important - you and your DC having a healthy, appropriate relationship with your parents going forward, or a few years saving money on childcare costs. You can't have both, not with this situation as it's been allowed to evolve, and not with this mum, sorry.

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

Hmmm while the 2 weeks thing post birth wasn't ideal, I wonder if it was DH reacting to your situation as a whole. Would they have been around daily had he not tried to manage it?

Your mum doesn't sound a healthy influence for you or your DC.

He works with them, so to be fair he just didn't want to see them - anyone - when he was off too. He said he didn't want the faff of cleaning the house, making sure it was tidy etc. We could just be slobs and cocoon together, which is what we did and it was bloody lovely.

DH is far better and more patient than I am with this whole situation

But set boundaries.