AIBU reducing Grandparents' care 1x day a week whilst I'm on mat leave?

[LadyLouOf2]

My parents absolutely dote on my kids. I feel bad to say that it's almost suffocating because they support us so much but they literally cannot go more than a few days without seeing them. My DD (aged 2.5) has spent one night a week there since she was 3-4 weeks old (I have always felt obliged to 'share' her). My Dad (her grandfather) runs a business and is often very stressed, Mum always likes to tell me that she's the only thing that brings him joy etc.

Anyway I'm currently on mat leave with DS (5 months old). My DH and I have had a bit of a disagreement with my parents over various things since I've been on mat leave so what used to be a very, very close bond (I used to call Mum 10+ times a day!) is now very strained and awkward, I don't think it'll get better any time soon as too much has happened (too much to explain). I still give them DD each week on the usual days that she would go there when I worked, and she stays overnight every Monday as she used to do. If I stopped that, and when I stopped her going there at the weekend the other week (because we simply enjoyed having her at home), I was told we were using her as a pawn sigh).

Anyway, I've also kept her at nursery whilst on mat leave as it's good for her development and she's very shy so it helps her come out of her shell. She does nursery 2x days a week 9am-3pm. My Mum then will have her 2 days a week (one of those being overnight). My DD absolutely LOVES going there as her cousin is also there (who is 6 months her junior). She breaks her heart when she leaves etc etc.

The thing is, not only do I feel massive Mum guilt, but the 4 days a week DD is not with me, I feel quite lonely at home with DS. Don't get me wrong, I realise how lucky I am to have the option of some quality time just me and the baby and that my parents are so keen to have her and I'm not ungrateful for that, but I really hate that Monday to Thursday I don't really see DD and I think I'll regret it when I go back to work. In the first few months of mat leave, I gave myself various tasks to keep busy when she was away (decorated a few rooms; I did all my Xmas shopping etc). But now I have v little to do and am at a bit of a loose end without her. Ordinarily, before things became strained, I'd have gone over to Mum's one of the 2 days she's there and would've spent the day with them (which is what my sis-in-law does) but I don't feel comfortable doing that now given the relationship .

I want to say to Mum that I really hate being without her 4 days a week and that whilst I'm not going to 'take away' their 2 days, I do want to see her more. I want to say that she can still come over one day a week on her own and stay overnight, but that the second day each week Mum can essentially 'share' her with me. Mum can come over to ours, meet us somewhere etc to spend time with her. I know she won't like that as (1) they like to have free reign at their house, Dad doesn't fully relax unless he's at home on his own with them and (b) they also often have my brother's child on that second day who has an annoyingly strict routine and has to take his naps 12-3 each day (and only in a cot) so they are restricted as to what they can do around those times (I live 45 min drive away from Mum so it'd be a bit of a faff for her to get over here around that time). I can see now they'll essentially phrase it as that I'm 'taking her away' from them. I can also see that they'll be unnecessarily awkward then when I go back to work in 5 - 6 months or so).

I'd really appreciate some views please before I raise it...

Your parents need to find some focus in life that isnt all about looking after kids.

You should find a paid childminder

@LadyLouOf2 can you summarise the argument you had?

Agree with other posters, I’m really close to my Mum but I see her once a week, occasionally twice but for a couple of hours at a time.

Work out what you & your partner want & go from there. Be brave, they’re your kids.

How does dd have any time to build friendships/do activities at home?

What strickes me is that they had your daughter from 3 weeks old overnight - which yes I agree is odd... but you have a 5 month olf son who they don't seem to have at all? Personally I would think this was brewing favouritism so would put a stop to it on that basis! Maybe they could do a day with each child? (Watch they don't fill your dd with 'mummy won't let you come anymore crap too!)

But yes make the most of your maternity leave with both your children - and factor in childcare costs in your return to work!

You don't mention the new baby? Aren't they interested?

It has to be equal or not at all. It gets noticed as the one left out gets older.

Is she planning to have the new baby as well, once you return to work?
Had she been asking to have the new baby stay the night?
Is there going to be an issue with your Dd being the favourite?

Your Ds is growing up with his sister absent. She is missing out on days with her brother.

It was simply not ‘usual’ to be pressured out of a newborn being taken away overnight. Had you planned to breastfeed?

Also you should be able to say to your Mum that you would like your Dd with you while you are at home.

It isn’t a healthy relationship, not at all.

But it is good that your Dd enjoys her time there and with her cousin.

wow that’s so OTT!!
Your mum seriously needs to get a grip and let go! And you need to not be so dependant that’s crazy she has had your child overnight so often since so young.
I can’t see how you can get out of this situation without their being some kind of fall out, it sounds pathetic that they would say you use your child as a pawn!
Good luck OP I wouldn’t like to be in your shoes but you need to put your foot down

Mum was my best friend before all this crap!

No she wasn't. She's your mother. You should be building friendships apart from family ties.

You're deep in FOG. You need to find your boundaries and assert them because you're acting like a child and not an adult.

I don’t think you can have it both ways. You are very lucky to have your mum so invested. Albeit a but too much. Personally I would find this suffocating and it sounds unhealthy. But your mum may take the hump and be very awkward about childcare especially caring for both your children when you go back to
work.

My DS never got a look in with my parents as we never saw my mum unless we visited her and then my niece 16 months older than him was always round at my mums. My mum practically brought her up (which caused a lot of friction as my niece got older). We didn’t get any free childcare at all or overnight babysitting. In fact even a very occasional couple of hours babysitting was hard to negotiate. I found this hard but couldn’t have stood my mum looking after DS the amount of time she did with my niece.

I can't believe they had your daughter from such a young age. Please don't send your boy to them!

I have a similar relationship with my mum actually. We message all through the day. Then every few months u get annoyed because she always goes to the "giving advice" mode rather than just sympathising or whatever in a situation like a friend would do. I feel I need to cut back and not tell her everything going on in my life but then when I get some news or something changes I want to tell her. It's weird. Guess I have issues lol.
Is your relationship the same where you are still seen as a child rather than an adult with husband's home and two children?!

That sounds way too much OP. You are 100% within your rights to put your foot down. This will only get worse not better. I'd also be concerned about how seriously they take your views as a parent. It may not be a concern now but are they likely to agree and implement how you want to your DD to grow up? She is there so much they are taking a very active role in her development.
I also agree with a PP who said this will breed resentment between your children as they get older. I wouldn't mention this tho as they may insist on taking your DS too and then you are called unreasonable for saying no.
My DS is only a baby and already look forward to being a grandmother - all the lovely parts of loving a baby but not difficult nights or having to deal with teething. The beauty is you get to hand them back! I dont know why someone would insist on that much responsibility

I think there is difficulty here. You seem to want it all on your terms. Your parents put themselves out for you offering you 2 free days childcare a week which you have been very grateful for and I'm fact want to increase when you return to work as you will then have 2 kids for them to look after. But now you are home you want to change the arrangement.

Just be mindful that they may take offence and refuse any childcare in future. What would you do then?

Think about what is best for your daughter, now and next month and next year. (And also your son....).

I don't think you should pander to them....but equally....they have given up a lot to be available for childcare so you need to consider them too.

I don't understand why your DD is currently visiting your parents at all just now. I thought they were only allowed to provide child care if you are working, but you say that you're on mat leave

This is really strange, they are grandparents not her second mum and dad.
You are home with her little brother, keep her home! It’s so bizarre she stays once a week/two days a week. My mum took my eldest son ad hoc and he does like staying over but maybe once a month, if that (once in a year due to coronavirus). Especially if you’ve had issues with them, it’s like they are being treated as a second set of parents - sorry but I find it really strange.
Put your foot down, she is your daughter!

@Brunt0n

You have a really weird relationship with your mum. You used to call her 10 times a day? Cut the umbilical cord! Beyond weird you’ve had kids just to hand them over to someone else

As the mother/grandmother I'd be leaving the phone off if my daughters rang me 10 times a day! What on earth do you find to talk about?

Agree with @notanothertakeaway, you're only allowed to use childcare bubbles for.. Childcare. Perhaps they are a support bubble?

One day a week is plenty. But the thing is once you've started this it is hard to reduce it. But 4 days away when you don't want it is just too much.

OP this is one of the reasons why I don't get my step dad to look after my son. Obviously, the last year has been odd for that anyway and he has changed jobs where it would no longer be plausible, but before that, when I used to visit with him, my step dad would immediately take him off me. Son would cry (only a baby) and my step dad would pout, saying he hates his grandad, this is why he needs to be left with me a lot more often. I want to have a really special bond with him. If I used to ask him to not feed him certain things, he would say he's fine. he used to leave the house randomly with son, if I asked him where he was going he would snap at me. It became a really strange power balance where I felt that everything I said he would over rule me. It was almost like he still saw me as a child, and thus, saw my child as an extension of him and my mum too. I couldn't cope with it, had to put my foot down in the end even though it caused an argument.

I know its not identical to your situation but it's an example of the dynamic where your own parents over step the mark. You need to stand up for yourself and just say how grateful you are for their help but DD will be spending an extra day getting to know her brother and spending time with you before you go back to work. If they don't like it, tough.

notanothertakeaway

You’re allowed a support bubble if you have a child under 1, which the OP has.

OP, I don’t understand why you’re ‘asking’ your parents. She’s your DD. Surely you just say ‘whilst I’m on mat leave I want to spend more time with DD so won’t be needing you to have her two days a week anymore (personally I’d take away the overnight!) Thanks for your help so far though, we’ve appreciated it’. And that’s it.

Then after your mat leave I wouldn’t go back to the overnight and would just let them do the one day if you can afford it.

The fact that you’ve let them have her overnight once a week since 3-4 weeks old because you felt you had to ‘share’ her is crazy. She’s your child, start asserting yourself.

Have they not asked for the same with your second DC?

I am so grateful to you all for replying, I have tears in my eyes.

@gassylady @Beautiful3 yes she's currently 2 days grandparents and 2 days nursery. 1 day and a night each week is the perfect amount for me. And I think that's normal, right (except maybe the overnight stay, but then they look forward to that 'sleepover' so much that I WOULD then feel like a total witch depriving them of that, I'm fine with that).

@SendMeHome @Perfect28 @Brunt0n @CupOfTeaAlonePleasePlease I have absolutely NO issue whatsoever sorting or paying for an extra day of childcare. The issue is that they will take it as a total insult and whenever I've ever suggested that in the past Mum has used the word "punishment".

I was in my 30s when I had her - not at all young. My parents were DESPERATE to have her. They've pined for grandchildren for so long (I think they always felt they should've had more themselves but mum had a hysterectomy young) and so were almost forcing us out the door and wanting to take her. I would be up expressing during the night when she wasn't with me just so they could have their sleepover. Enmeshed relationship - I have googled - 100% accurate and I think I am the one that needs to change things here? All my friends, colleagues etc all respond by saying that I'm in the minority having such helpful grandparents etc and they'd kill to have such a level of support, but it's really not all roses as you can see.

DH is way more reasonable and relaxed than I am. Whenever I have said since Xmas that I wanted to raise this issue with them he's always said just to do whatever keeps everyone happy, don't rock the boat with them it's not worth the hassle etc. He hates confrontation. Now for the extra complication... he also works for them (we moved back to my home area out of the City a few years ago and he started working for them then...). They are v good at not bring personal issues into work but even more reason why he wants to avoid confrontation I guess...

@Dizzy1234 I really needed to hear that - thank you so much x

Dear lord, stop being controlled by your parents. You don't have to share your children, they are yours and your husbands.

I'd stop one day completely and have her to yourself, and no giving in to stretching the next day after she stays over either.

I disagree it's strange though to stay at a grandparents once, even twice a week, IF both parties are happy with that. I used to stay at my grandparents most weekends and absolutely loved it.

Use the (very real and law from today!) excuse of the lock down. Your children aren’t supposed to be visiting grandparents unless it’s for childcare reasons. You are on mat leave, so it’s not childcare. Plus you are saying cousins are there - 3 homes mixing is very much against the new rules.
Maybe google controlling relationships. Narcissistic mothers and codependency.

Firstly, how lovely that your DD has adults who love having her around so much. That is really nice for her :)

But it sounds like you are getting the minority of time with her (3 out of 7 days??) which isn't really good for either of you. She needs her mum and I think it is too much time for her to spend more than half the week away from you. Perfectly reasonable to ask grandparents to back off a little bit in this scenario!

(They have after all, already had one turn of raising their own children!)