AIBU reducing Grandparents' care 1x day a week whilst I'm on mat leave?

[LadyLouOf2]

My parents absolutely dote on my kids. I feel bad to say that it's almost suffocating because they support us so much but they literally cannot go more than a few days without seeing them. My DD (aged 2.5) has spent one night a week there since she was 3-4 weeks old (I have always felt obliged to 'share' her). My Dad (her grandfather) runs a business and is often very stressed, Mum always likes to tell me that she's the only thing that brings him joy etc.

Anyway I'm currently on mat leave with DS (5 months old). My DH and I have had a bit of a disagreement with my parents over various things since I've been on mat leave so what used to be a very, very close bond (I used to call Mum 10+ times a day!) is now very strained and awkward, I don't think it'll get better any time soon as too much has happened (too much to explain). I still give them DD each week on the usual days that she would go there when I worked, and she stays overnight every Monday as she used to do. If I stopped that, and when I stopped her going there at the weekend the other week (because we simply enjoyed having her at home), I was told we were using her as a pawn sigh).

Anyway, I've also kept her at nursery whilst on mat leave as it's good for her development and she's very shy so it helps her come out of her shell. She does nursery 2x days a week 9am-3pm. My Mum then will have her 2 days a week (one of those being overnight). My DD absolutely LOVES going there as her cousin is also there (who is 6 months her junior). She breaks her heart when she leaves etc etc.

The thing is, not only do I feel massive Mum guilt, but the 4 days a week DD is not with me, I feel quite lonely at home with DS. Don't get me wrong, I realise how lucky I am to have the option of some quality time just me and the baby and that my parents are so keen to have her and I'm not ungrateful for that, but I really hate that Monday to Thursday I don't really see DD and I think I'll regret it when I go back to work. In the first few months of mat leave, I gave myself various tasks to keep busy when she was away (decorated a few rooms; I did all my Xmas shopping etc). But now I have v little to do and am at a bit of a loose end without her. Ordinarily, before things became strained, I'd have gone over to Mum's one of the 2 days she's there and would've spent the day with them (which is what my sis-in-law does) but I don't feel comfortable doing that now given the relationship .

I want to say to Mum that I really hate being without her 4 days a week and that whilst I'm not going to 'take away' their 2 days, I do want to see her more. I want to say that she can still come over one day a week on her own and stay overnight, but that the second day each week Mum can essentially 'share' her with me. Mum can come over to ours, meet us somewhere etc to spend time with her. I know she won't like that as (1) they like to have free reign at their house, Dad doesn't fully relax unless he's at home on his own with them and (b) they also often have my brother's child on that second day who has an annoyingly strict routine and has to take his naps 12-3 each day (and only in a cot) so they are restricted as to what they can do around those times (I live 45 min drive away from Mum so it'd be a bit of a faff for her to get over here around that time). I can see now they'll essentially phrase it as that I'm 'taking her away' from them. I can also see that they'll be unnecessarily awkward then when I go back to work in 5 - 6 months or so).

I'd really appreciate some views please before I raise it...

I can see this from both sides. I only have one and when I work DM has DD lots. She collects from school and during holidays they have days out.

When I'm on leave from work DM potentially loses those days and it does make her sad. She looks forward to her time with DD. So we find compromises. I tend set my annual leave up so that DM can still have a day with just DD on her own, or DH and I take a day and night away together giving DM the time with her grandchild. And we have days out DM, Dd and I so she still see DD even if I am off.

I think you need to compromise a bit. But I think that sounds like it's hard because of the other issues. If you want them to be childcare when you return to work, some form of compromise is needed now. I can see from a grandparents point of view it's a bit like it's ok when you need them and not when you don't. I think you need to talk to your mum calmly and find a compromise for while your off.

I think when this has been the norm from her being a baby that you need to continue with the same arrangement.
I never started overnights and contacting mine 10x a day, it's just too much.

[quote Thehop]@LadyLouOf2 my mum was like this. We were so close, we moved to her village. Went everywhere together. She adored my kids and even came on honeymoon with us. She was really close with my eldest because he was first. Loved the others but didn’t get chance to have them so much and still had my eldest twice a week, took him on holiday.

Over the years, it fell into an assumed pattern. We had a fall out when he got to 11. About something else. He kept ringing her, going to hers. One day I wouldn’t let him go out with friends and we were arguing a lot about boundaries. He decided to go to nannas. He hasn’t ever come home, he will be 16 soon. She took me to court for parental responsibility and completely alienated him from us. He’s horrible to us now. Utterly poisoned, and we’re having to move away.

Reclaim your child now.[/quote]
OMG that's horrendous @Thehop.

To be honest, it could very easily have been this way with MIL and DS, but not as bad as your situation as we still have our son. When it started getting a bit 'too much' i.e. the little things behind my back, we made it very clear that if it continued then she wouldn't be seeing any of us. The straw that broke the camel's back for us was when we had told him he couldn't go to the party of a friend's older sibling (it was an 18th - he was 12). He phoned her and said he wasn't allowed to go so they cooked up a plan (yes he was totally wrong but he was 12) between them that he would stay the night with her. She took him to the party. We got a phone call from another parent to say that he was drunk and throwing up everywhere. We haven't seen her since.

Obviously, this example and that of Thehop is extreme and unusual - most grandparents who are involved have a very normal and loving relationship with their grandchildren, it's just an example about what can happen if you don't keep an eye on things.

They are angry, rightly so you say, that your FIL came by on day ten to meet his grandchild. But they had a chance to meet him on the day he was born. You gave your FIL the same privilege you gave your parents. Both were welcome once in the first two weeks to meet the baby, I can’t see the problem.

Honestly. OP this isn't good for your daughter. I know people think 'oh more people to love them' but its really really important children have one primary caregiver when they're tiny, she doesn't just have you and her dad though she has grandparents who by the sound of it are really undermining you.

If she's kicking off and doesn't want to go home to you regularly, that's a sign something has shifted: you need to be making changes to make sure she sees you as her primary source of comfort. Your'e presumably not going to have this overnight when she's in school? As another PP said, you are establishing patterns now that would mean your parents could demand access. You really really need to start re-examining your boundaries.

If anyone talked about me and my care for my child as your parents have in some examples, I would be out of there. And I say that as an only child with a very close relationship with my parents, who desperately wanted my daughter a day a week when I went back to work - actually, they wanted to take her full time. But, they wouldn't have listened to what we wanted, they were too old really to care for her properly, and I knew it would strain relations so they haven't. I have a two year old and she's never spent a night away from either me or her father: we've both gone away with work but the other has always been there. She's incredibly close to both sets of grandparents, facetimes them every day and sees them every weekend but there's no confusion about who her parents are.

You're starting to fall into the trap of talking about her in terms of how she affects them, their moods, their relationships. The point is this isn't good for her, or her relatniship with you, especially not with a new baby. in the house. I think you need to urgently reassess this relationship and I would be working towards getting her husband new employers and removing the sleepover as quickly as you can.

@GypsyLee

I think when this has been the norm from her being a baby that you need to continue with the same arrangement. I never started overnights and contacting mine 10x a day, it's just too much.

10 times a day is probably an exaggeration as I mentioned above, it's more the fact I would speak to mum 2 to 3 times a day for a few minutes at a time and we would text a lot, photos of kids, just general things and day-to-day chitchat

I get the sticking by your DH bit why doesn't it work the other way?
I don't want your parents seeing the baby for two weeks
Well I do any they'll be heartbroken.

Why does he win??

Imagine we had changed our minds. I just felt, feel, really betrayed did you tell your Mom it was a secret shortlist?? I imagine they'd have said "Oh Frank, that's a lovely name. Your Mom said she thought you'd pick Alfred but they're both lovely" or something equally benign.

If they have her one long days overnight then all the next day I'd get her there for midmorning whilst you are off, then go over the same time the next day and spend time together

LadyofLou2

Op, why have they never had your DS?

They have totally tried and have had him on an ad hoc basis on one of the days a week that they have my DD whenever I've had stuff to do or needed to check in for some bits for work or life admin etc. It's not through their want of trying that they haven't had him overnight, or for more during the day. Before I'd even given birth mum was talking about the days she'd have both kids together when I was on Mat Leave to give me a bit of a break, I just ignored it and don't feel like I need a break, I'm fine.

Thanks for clarifying. I would be worried about when your dcs become pre-teens/teens and flounce to your parents... although I do wish my inlaws would give usa respite at times with the teenagers, they won’t, at least not when needed.

Because you are in bored at home you want your DD home to make you feel better? It just sounds to me that this is an intentional move because of the fighting between you, and yes you are using your daughter as a pawn despite your narrative you spin on here.

Also wanted to add, we have had very little and I mean next to nothing in terms of help with our Dcs. My mil did offer to live with us during the week when we had dc1 but I’m so glad we declined (she lives far away). Its 19 years later, 3 more Dcs and its still really hard at times but no way would I want to share my dcs with anyone other than my DH.

Oh your poor poor husband.

Change you attitude NOW before you loose him too.
Could you have been more tactful with no visitors for two weeks... yes HOWEVER your husband obviously asked for that for a reason. And you went behind his back anyway. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to spend time with his brand new baby and family during those first few weeks? Why are you putting your mum first? She’s shown you by that message she has no respect for you. He’s probably feeling this more than you.
Put some boundaries in place, and make some change. Your not a child, you want to spend time with your own babies.
3 days in nursery, one day and an overnight with them. You drop off and pick up as you see fit (with prior arrangement) and if they don’t like it tough.
I can’t believe PP saying poor them. They had their young children they need to now stop taking this experience away from you and trying to control you.
And I would make it very clear you saw that message on the phone and how hurt you are. And that message has made it very clear you are all not on the same page and you need to reassess what’s right for your family unit.
The PP story of loosing her son should hopefully give you a real life example of what can happen.

Your daughter needs to bond with her baby brother.Atm she's got two houses basically.That would be understandable if it was parents houses who had split but not grandparents.

@canary1

I’m confused, are you in the Uk? We’re in a lockdown. You’re mixing three households.

Yes - this - whilst posters are right re bubbles and child under 1 that doesn’t mean you can have multiple bubbles all mixing. Realise that’s not the point of this thread but you could make it part of your solution OP.

I echo what most have said OP, you are now in a situation where your child lives between two households.
I am always shocked on here when people send their tiny babies to grandparents for overnights when they are just too young..you were breastfeeding an infant and she wanted her ‘share’ that’s shocking!

• What will you do when DD is going to school?
• What will you do when granny wants to come to all parents evenings and school events? When teachers is confused as to who the actual parent is.
• What will happen when your daughter starts clubs and events and can’t go because grannie must have her share?
• What will you do when your DS ‘ has to’ do the same?

It’s an unhealthy arrangement for all of you. Your DM sounds controlling and you are just going along with it all. It will be hard but some adult conversations and real boundaries need to be set up right now, your DH and you must be in the same page as you on this.

Haven't RTFT but my first thought that your parents have your DD more than my ExH has our shared DD ever! He gets 1 full EOW and 1 night for tea (supposedly he never has it) thats it! And that was court ordered.

My parents aren't together and I see them for maybe 3 hours each per week in none covid times, my DD still knows them and adores them.

@PolarExpressislate

Because you are in bored at home you want your DD home to make you feel better? It just sounds to me that this is an intentional move because of the fighting between you, and yes you are using your daughter as a pawn despite your narrative you spin on here.

What utter nonsense.

I agree that not letting them see DS during those two weeks wasn't the right thing to do. DH and I had a barney about it at the time when he suggested it being "just us". But I had to stick by him, he's my husband and that's my immediate family unit.
There was absolutely nothing wrong in wanting to spend the first two weeks of your son's life as just your close family unit. Loads of families do that. As you said, your parents had already seen your son anyway.

I was apologetic to mum and I did everything within my power that they DID see the kids during that time.
So, did you decide to spend the two weeks just as your immediate family and then visit in secret as your mum said?

There is so much wrong with the situation with your parents. If you argued with your husband then did visit your parents in secret, then no wonder you mum wrote that text.

You started off by asking if YABU by wanting to reduce your DM's time with your DD from 2 days including an overnight stay to 1 day with an overnight stay. Despite numerous responses you are planning to do precisely that. I get that posters just give advice and you don't have to take it but you could take it and sort out these relationships for the better rather than just sticking to your original plan.

Those criticising the OP for the two week period of Paternity Leave - if the GPs hadn't been so overbearing and in-your-face the OP's DH probably wouldn't have felt so in need of the break.

As for them coming on honeymoon, and wanting your Dd the minute (literally) she comes back from holiday, this is all so beyond normal loving grandparent support.

And turning the visit of the FIL (the equivalent of the one visit they had on the day of the birth) into a competition and throwing a tantrum about 'all we do for you' is using their supposed love and support as a weapon.

If your Mum really cared about you she would support your own feelings and needs. You should be able to say "Dd is my child, Mum, I miss her when she is away from me and want to spend my maternity leave with her" and your Mum should instantly understand and be happy for you.

It is a potential problem now that your Mum is as devoted to and possessive of your Dd as always but has a cool relationship with you and your DH. This has all the makings of a divide and rule situation and it won't be very long before your dd comes to pick up on it. And your Mum is manipulative enough (you are maybe now starting to see it for what it is) to start persuading your dd that she has a lovely time with Grandma and doesn't want to go home....Naughty Mummy says this, that and the other...etc. Think twice about those tantrums when you take her home - is she already hearing 'Oh poor dd having to leave Grandma and go back home, Grandma will miss you, will you miss me?' etc?

Fucking hell they squeeze into every aspect of your life. Came on hour honeymoon wtf!!

Can you imagine your in-laws going on your honeymoon? I feel sorry for your husband. And I think as a pp said, I can see your daughter becoming so attached to your parents that she will start to hate coming home. Your relationship with her will be tarnished forever.

I don't think you need to stick to a definitive overnighter at all. Why not just say no standard sleepover day but maybe an ad hoc one. Or even every second week.

?????? No household should be part of more than one childcare bubble. So quite apart from anything else, this appears to be illegal? Which gives you an easy way out if you would prefer that.

I actually just feel really stressed reading the op's uodates. We know she's so far under the thumb things will not change.

@Horehound

I actually just feel really stressed reading the op's uodates. We know she's so far under the thumb things will not change.

That's really hurtful

OP - you do not need to negotiate a regular additional day if you cut back a day. It isn't a contract your Mum has no 'rights', you shouldn't be accountable.

You could just make arrangements like a normal family: 'do you fancy a walk out in the park on Wednesday' or even a week next Wednesday....

Well sorry for hurting you bit I'm worried about your daughter and you still seem to be giving way to your parents demands.

Why can't you just leave it very relaxed?

My parents take my son one day a week and my husband picks him up on the way home. He's at nursery three days. If I'm on annual leave or my husband is, my mum is happy not to take him because she knows we'd want to see him and also, she likes a break too. Your parents have a very unhealthy NEED to see her but it shouldn't be this way.

What I’m confused about is you falling out with your parents. They’ve been a bit much but it seems like the relationship worked both ways. You text and rang each other all the time and were “best friends.”
Your husband orchestrated a situation that was hurtful to them and you have acknowledged was a bit unfair. She told a friend about it. I don’t see why this is a problem and she told them about a possible name choice, again, hardly a hanging offence. Why have you lost your relationship with them over this?
Would I want the relationship you have with them with my parents? Absolutely not BUT if I had done something like refuse to allow them to see their new grandchild for 2 weeks when we were so close and they were so excited I would apologise, acknowledge their feelings and my mistakes and then move on. I feel like if this happened any decision you made wouldn’t come across as spiteful because you would have built bridges. I’m not saying wanting to keep your DD more is spiteful but I see why they may feel it’s because of your falling out.
I just think it would be easy for them to feel a bit picked up and put down with your behaviour