AIBU reducing Grandparents' care 1x day a week whilst I'm on mat leave?

[LadyLouOf2]

My parents absolutely dote on my kids. I feel bad to say that it's almost suffocating because they support us so much but they literally cannot go more than a few days without seeing them. My DD (aged 2.5) has spent one night a week there since she was 3-4 weeks old (I have always felt obliged to 'share' her). My Dad (her grandfather) runs a business and is often very stressed, Mum always likes to tell me that she's the only thing that brings him joy etc.

Anyway I'm currently on mat leave with DS (5 months old). My DH and I have had a bit of a disagreement with my parents over various things since I've been on mat leave so what used to be a very, very close bond (I used to call Mum 10+ times a day!) is now very strained and awkward, I don't think it'll get better any time soon as too much has happened (too much to explain). I still give them DD each week on the usual days that she would go there when I worked, and she stays overnight every Monday as she used to do. If I stopped that, and when I stopped her going there at the weekend the other week (because we simply enjoyed having her at home), I was told we were using her as a pawn sigh).

Anyway, I've also kept her at nursery whilst on mat leave as it's good for her development and she's very shy so it helps her come out of her shell. She does nursery 2x days a week 9am-3pm. My Mum then will have her 2 days a week (one of those being overnight). My DD absolutely LOVES going there as her cousin is also there (who is 6 months her junior). She breaks her heart when she leaves etc etc.

The thing is, not only do I feel massive Mum guilt, but the 4 days a week DD is not with me, I feel quite lonely at home with DS. Don't get me wrong, I realise how lucky I am to have the option of some quality time just me and the baby and that my parents are so keen to have her and I'm not ungrateful for that, but I really hate that Monday to Thursday I don't really see DD and I think I'll regret it when I go back to work. In the first few months of mat leave, I gave myself various tasks to keep busy when she was away (decorated a few rooms; I did all my Xmas shopping etc). But now I have v little to do and am at a bit of a loose end without her. Ordinarily, before things became strained, I'd have gone over to Mum's one of the 2 days she's there and would've spent the day with them (which is what my sis-in-law does) but I don't feel comfortable doing that now given the relationship .

I want to say to Mum that I really hate being without her 4 days a week and that whilst I'm not going to 'take away' their 2 days, I do want to see her more. I want to say that she can still come over one day a week on her own and stay overnight, but that the second day each week Mum can essentially 'share' her with me. Mum can come over to ours, meet us somewhere etc to spend time with her. I know she won't like that as (1) they like to have free reign at their house, Dad doesn't fully relax unless he's at home on his own with them and (b) they also often have my brother's child on that second day who has an annoyingly strict routine and has to take his naps 12-3 each day (and only in a cot) so they are restricted as to what they can do around those times (I live 45 min drive away from Mum so it'd be a bit of a faff for her to get over here around that time). I can see now they'll essentially phrase it as that I'm 'taking her away' from them. I can also see that they'll be unnecessarily awkward then when I go back to work in 5 - 6 months or so).

I'd really appreciate some views please before I raise it...

Feeling a bit sorry for your husband, did he not mind his 3 wk old baby spending the night with your parents?

You palmed a baby off for one night a week at 3-4 weeks of age. Not because of any medical necessity in your part but because you wanted to share! Like a baby is a block of chocolate. It’s a living thing! That’s not what’s best for babies that age unless there are circumstances with the primary caregiver that necessitate it (cancer treatment, mental health issues etc).

Why did you send your 3 week old baby off for an overnight stay? These over night stays every week need to stop. Your DD is YOURS and your DH’s, not anyone else’s doll.

1. Tell your mum you want to spend more time with your DD and that she should be able to bond with her DB. They should be together.

1. Stop the over night stays.

1. Don’t visit every week and stop calling your mum so frequently. 10 times a day is not normal. Maybe pop over for a couple of hours with both DC every fortnight.

1. If your mum throws a tantrum, explain that your DD is yours entirely and you don’t have any obligation to share custody of her (because this is exactly what this arrangement is). Your DD might be really shy due to all this unnecessary moving around and may thrive at home and nursery.

1. Make a list of points and reasons before starting this conversation with your mum.

Oh and the reason for the initial breakdown of relationship w my parents... wait for it... because after DS was born in the Summer we said that we wanted the initial 2 weeks of paternity leave at home just the 4 of us and no visitors whatsoever. They came over the night he was born (I invited them) but we said no one afterwards. They said they were "insulted" and "deeply hurt". Mum said that they rarely outstay their welcome (which to be fair is true, they would just pop over for 20-30 mins at a time and wouldn't even have a cuppa) and thought we were being unreasonable not letting them see their newborn grandson.

I felt so torn between having time with just my little family in our bubble (which was lovely) and also massive guilt that I'd hurt them and that we were essentially ditching them when they are otherwise so supportive when I was at work etc. I would pop to postnatal midwife apps myself (all fine with birth, no complications and I felt fine) while DH looked after DD at home and I found myself doing a slightly longer de-tour to meet with Mum so that she could see the baby for a couple of hours etc. Few weeks later I saw a text on Mum's phone to her friend saying "she's popping here on way to midwife without her husband knowing, absolutely terrible" when all I was doing was going out of my way so that they could see the baby!! Couldn't win. Since then the relationship has just gone from bad to worse.

This is a really weird dynamic. I can imagine your husband feels like he's one of four parents and probably fourth in line for quality time with his child.

I think one overnight a fortnight is alot, never mind every week plus a full day. Although your daughter loves it, I cant imagine she's settling into a good routine essentially spending equal time with you, nursery and grandparents all with different rules and parenting styles.

Almost seems like you feel she's theirs and you're infringing on their time with her.

I think you need to draw a line between spending time with them and childcare. Dont use them for childcare and they can see her once a week unless you're busy and sometimes it can be overnight. If you do something every week then they feel they're entitled to it. Now it's more about you taking something away thats theirs rather than giving them something

Your husband needs to get a new job

Doesn't your DD want to spend time with her new sibling? It sounds like she only gets 3 days a week to build a relationship with him. This is the time you should be getting used to being a family of 4, not all being separated for the majority of the time.

I know you don't want to rock the boat and I am the biggest avoider of confrontation but this could have a long term impact on your family relationships (I mean your family of 4).

Your parents are grandparents not parents to your dd. My parent also helped a lot when both my children were born but when I was on maternity leave, the arrangements we had for them to have my dd changed. They had her if I was struggling or if I needed them to but that was time spent all getting to know each other.

Your husband needs a new job for a start.

Yes I agree, your husband needs to get away from working for them. You need to completely pull back and I'd also arrange new childcare.
That text your mum sent :o

And we also did things together (with my parents) more during this time - going out together, going to their house with both kids, etc.

Sorry I meant a

What does your husband think about all this? Do your parents perhaps feel they should have a greater role in your daughter upbringing than he does. Is the current breakdown in your relationship because they are angry that you appropriately prioritised your husband's time with the new baby over theirs.

This is insane. You're setting your DD up for being controlled directly by two overbearing people who use her as an entertainment doll.

I can't believe she was overnight at 3 weeks, that's heartbreaking. So bad for her attachment.

Sounds like your parents need to find their own life and get some balance back for all of you.

As a Grandma (and I am only 46) I adore having our grandson, he has disabilities and is only 1 so we still got to see him a lot during 1st and 2nd lockdown and DSD really needed the help and support she was just so overwhelmed BUT both myself and DH were also working from home and to be honest, we were absolutely knackered by the stress of it all.

Myself and DH also really missed our time together and it was starting to cause arguments between us a bit so had to start setting boundaries so we could still offer support but not be over involved.

Now things have settled a bit and DSD has much more confidence we don't see her as much but she does call at least once a day and messages loads we have Grandson once a week, usually Friday night through to Saturday tea time - we love it but we also love it when he goes home because we are knackered and then both back to work on Monday.

It sounds like you were really close to your parents and if your Dad was always so busy and your mom relied on you for company and is now doing so with your DD. Could they be trying to sort of recapture their younger days through your DD?

It is hard if you are going to start wanting them to be childcare again soon but I think you just have to reset the balance. What will happen when your DD is at school full time? Are they still going to have the same contact? Things change all the time and whilst I think having a strong relationship with Grandparents is great for any child I think healthy boundaries and balance is also important for you as a family unit.

Don’t feel guilty for not “sharing” your kids; you didn’t have kids for your parents’ entertainment. Use this opportunity as a big reset and give them the place they deserve to have in your lives, not the place they want to have.

I would absolutely, without a doubt, pay for extra childcare and not use them in the future. Also, your husband needs to find a new job. Off course they are very good at not bringing personal issues to work; they already have him conditioned to keep them happy!

Be a mum, OP, not a mug.

Agree with pp that you need to cut the apron strings a bit. You talk about your parents as if they are your daughter's co parents and have equal rights to you. They don't! I would be reducing to one day a week and then look for 3 x nursery days when you go back to work tbh...

I'm really on the fence with this one. I think if you focus on healing your relationship with your mum, it might help. I don't think there's any problem with spending the day with your mum on that second day as you suggest, but I would make it a bit easier for your mum and go to her if she has another child to care for.

I think I'm on the fence because I know how important my mum is to DS and I know how much I adored spending my weekends with my grandparents and cousins as a child and I'd have been so upset if mum and dad took that away from us.

I think spending a day with your mum and DD is a nice thing to do and might help heal the relationship with your mum. It's sad you were so close and that has broken down. I hope you can both mend it

You need to wean them and fairly smartly. Do you want the same feelings being replicated between you and your kids? Write down exactly what you’d like it to be like. Read it every morning and work towards that. Personally I think you need a friend to do all this play date stuff with and childcare that you pay for and dh working for someone else. It can be how you want it, but you are going to have to work to get there. You and your children are worth it.

Thank you all so much. I feel totally reassured in what I want /need to address.

This sounds so unhealthy! Why on earth were you handing her over as a newborn for overnights without you?! How unnatural.

I think you need to stop using them for regular childcare so there is no feeling of having to be grateful. Just take her for visits and the occasional sleepover when she wants or for special occasions. Your parents have more one on one time with her than you do. That's weird unless you are struggling and actually need the support.

Take back control, she is your child. Enjoy the time you have off, it will fly by and you will regret missing out on her just to keep peace with your parents.

I would absolutely stop the overnights NOW.

She's 2.5. She's not 'breaking her heart' to leave in any rational way - it's more that she probably hardly knows where she lives and the changeovers are distressing for her. If you stopped, she would probably be far more settled and happy and feel more secure immediately. She currently doesn't have a primary carer - she's being shared around like a toy.

It's just not good for such a small child to be here there and everywhere. It's nothing to do with having a good relationship with grandparents - that's SUPPOSED to come later, once you, her primary carer, have done those early days exclusively. It's the basis of good attachment.

Please stop right now - she won't remember any of this anyway, but she WILL start to get more and more negatively affected by such an abnormal set-up. She is basically quite fundamentally distanced from her home and parents, it's really not good. Your mum has gradually edged you out to the point she is a second mother figure. There is no way that's good for your DD. Now there is a new sibling - she needs to be home, with you all, more than ever.

Your parents are deeply selfish and controlling. Let them go on at relatives. All you need to say is, we were becoming very concerned at the level of control they wanted, dd is becoming more and more distressed at spending so much time away from home. It's not working for any of us. THE END - you are the parents.

Honestly I'd be stepping right away, to the point of no contact. They are not good for any of you.

May I ask if there are cultural / generational issues here. I only ask as though I am not ethnic Chinese many of my friends are and have had similar though less extreme issues. Their parents worked very hard in setting up businesses when they were young while my friends were cared for by the grandparents. Now that my friends parents are less busy/retired they are very keen to spend the time with the young g randbabies that they missed out on when their own children were young. Some of my friends have been very happy to have family care for their children when they returned to work, but others less so. One couple moved continent s to avoid the issue

My DD absolutely LOVES going there as her cousin is also there (who is 6 months her junior). She breaks her heart when she leaves etc etc.

This is the crucial bit. Put your child first.

Was never blessed to have doting parents on hand to help and so my DC never had the bond your DD does , which is fabulous for all of them. However there are boundaries and your children are your children and not theirs. Have you ever sat and chatted. Just you and your DM and explained how you feel. From having such a close contact to now is incredible sad and we all need family around. Could you meet up just the two of you without the DC for a coffee and sort it out. I understand that them being over bearing is hard but at the end of the day they love your DD and she loves being there so it’s a good thing. The main issue is communication as adults between you. Good luck

@TokenGinger 100% THIS. I like that DD has a great bond with them - I used to be so close to my Granny - but I just hate this whole power struggle. The relationship with Mum is a big part of this as you say and if we could repair that then spending a day on a Wednesday together would actually be lovely for all of us. But I just don't know how / when / if things will ever go back to normal with Mum after everything that's gone on. I do miss her friendship though. To the other poster telling me to find friends, I have many (and lots of those try to tell me how "lucky" I am for this support....), but the relationship with one's mum is different, imo anyway.

And yes - my folks are my support bubble. Husband is a key worker as he works in manufacture / retail