AIBU reducing Grandparents' care 1x day a week whilst I'm on mat leave?

[LadyLouOf2]

My parents absolutely dote on my kids. I feel bad to say that it's almost suffocating because they support us so much but they literally cannot go more than a few days without seeing them. My DD (aged 2.5) has spent one night a week there since she was 3-4 weeks old (I have always felt obliged to 'share' her). My Dad (her grandfather) runs a business and is often very stressed, Mum always likes to tell me that she's the only thing that brings him joy etc.

Anyway I'm currently on mat leave with DS (5 months old). My DH and I have had a bit of a disagreement with my parents over various things since I've been on mat leave so what used to be a very, very close bond (I used to call Mum 10+ times a day!) is now very strained and awkward, I don't think it'll get better any time soon as too much has happened (too much to explain). I still give them DD each week on the usual days that she would go there when I worked, and she stays overnight every Monday as she used to do. If I stopped that, and when I stopped her going there at the weekend the other week (because we simply enjoyed having her at home), I was told we were using her as a pawn sigh).

Anyway, I've also kept her at nursery whilst on mat leave as it's good for her development and she's very shy so it helps her come out of her shell. She does nursery 2x days a week 9am-3pm. My Mum then will have her 2 days a week (one of those being overnight). My DD absolutely LOVES going there as her cousin is also there (who is 6 months her junior). She breaks her heart when she leaves etc etc.

The thing is, not only do I feel massive Mum guilt, but the 4 days a week DD is not with me, I feel quite lonely at home with DS. Don't get me wrong, I realise how lucky I am to have the option of some quality time just me and the baby and that my parents are so keen to have her and I'm not ungrateful for that, but I really hate that Monday to Thursday I don't really see DD and I think I'll regret it when I go back to work. In the first few months of mat leave, I gave myself various tasks to keep busy when she was away (decorated a few rooms; I did all my Xmas shopping etc). But now I have v little to do and am at a bit of a loose end without her. Ordinarily, before things became strained, I'd have gone over to Mum's one of the 2 days she's there and would've spent the day with them (which is what my sis-in-law does) but I don't feel comfortable doing that now given the relationship .

I want to say to Mum that I really hate being without her 4 days a week and that whilst I'm not going to 'take away' their 2 days, I do want to see her more. I want to say that she can still come over one day a week on her own and stay overnight, but that the second day each week Mum can essentially 'share' her with me. Mum can come over to ours, meet us somewhere etc to spend time with her. I know she won't like that as (1) they like to have free reign at their house, Dad doesn't fully relax unless he's at home on his own with them and (b) they also often have my brother's child on that second day who has an annoyingly strict routine and has to take his naps 12-3 each day (and only in a cot) so they are restricted as to what they can do around those times (I live 45 min drive away from Mum so it'd be a bit of a faff for her to get over here around that time). I can see now they'll essentially phrase it as that I'm 'taking her away' from them. I can also see that they'll be unnecessarily awkward then when I go back to work in 5 - 6 months or so).

I'd really appreciate some views please before I raise it...

Have you considered what will happen when your daughter starts school? You will see even less of her and my guess is that your parents will want their days and ‘sleepover’ with her at weekends.
Another issue is your new baby, arre tgey demanding the same rificulous level of ‘sharing’? If not, why not? If so, are you happy? You need to address this now.

What happens when she’s 13 and at a difficult age, you have a disagreement and she packs her bags to move to your parents? I would stop this now, it is time you won’t get back.

I think that your parents have way too much say over your life, and children. And they obviously think they deserve too by the way they have reacted to your saying you was having 2 weeks together after having your son. They are not on the birth certificate and can not demand time with your children. But you do need to be careful as they are so enmeshed into your lives and husbands work. This has been going on so long that I think if you stopped this in a court they could say that it is a routine and demand it continued. Now if you added into that say you stopped it because you and your husband separated you would have to share her between him and them. Have you thought about the future, they are pinning so much of their lives on having grandchildren there what happens when she starts school and you only see her after school and weekends. Are they going to demand to see her still, so you see even less of her? You and they need to understand that having her is a privilege and not a right. But this has been going on so long they may actually have rights in a court. Yes friends will say this is lovely and helpful, until they actually had to deal with it in real life.

@CrotchBurn

By the way, is your husband not completely pissed off about this? Because if my in laws were like this and my partner pandered to it I would be seriously fed up

Agreed. I was very close to my mum and dad but ringing 10+ times a day is way over the top IMO. This is your child you're talking about here, it's up to you where she goes and with whom. It's lovely that they're so close and much as I would encourage that, there needs to be some boundaries here. As for the 'using her as a pawn' conversations, you need to shut these down immediately and not even engage with shit like that.

Do they have your DS overnight too?

your husband says do whatever makes life easier-so hes ok with no seeing his dd alot

afaik retail isnt a keyworker but then the term changes alot
youre tied intoo much to them no child that young should have been going overnight and you expressed for it aswell-i medan in an emergency yes but every week?

It sounds like you realised the mistakes with your dd and are making amends with your ds. Tbh putting up the boundary of wanting to be just the 4 of you for 2 weeks was never going to end well. They are the very people who thought it acceptable to force their daughter, a new mother, to express milk so she could separate from her newborn baby. So the the moment you stopped being controlled and started to act autonomously was the moment they saw you as waging war on them.

Your parents understand they are losing their grip on you and by extension, your dd. They will right now be doubling down on their efforts to seize back control. Do not capitulate. Remember the end game : to have the right to say what happens in your nuclear family. Just know that your dd is so very little that even if you went no contact with them, she would be fine.

I would therefore think very be very carefully what you want for your dd. And your ds. Don’t go by what has been, go by what can be. You can stop frequent unaccompanied visits and overnights. You are in control and your dd needs to bond better with her little brother. Poor kid. She’s being used as a pawn. And stop caring about what others think. They are just flying monkeys.

I also agree with other posters, your dh needs to get a different job. You are all terribly enmeshed and have created a co-dependent relationship with your parents. You’re relying on them for income and childcare.

@GabsAlot
Her husband is being cool with it because his job is dependent on his in laws

@Ticklemynickel

Do they have your DS overnight too?

They probably don’t so they can impose the ultimate “share” on a later date: they get to keep the girl, while OP can have the boy.

I hope I’m wrong of course, but nothing about this situation screams healthy to me.

Your child = your rules. Confused by the pressure to “share” her. Your parents have already had their children?! I would pull back to what suits you and your husband

This whole post made me cringe. Your mother sounds incredibly controlling and used to getting her own way. She is using your children as part of a power play. There is no way on this planet I would have let a tiny baby spend more than an hour or so away from me, never mind a night. It's almost as though you have shared custody and I think you need to stop it now. By all means let her have a day with Grandma once a week, but no more weekly overnights. An overnight with a full day either side should be a monthly treat at the very most, or for if you want a night out. Day care is fine, but let your little girl bond probably with you and your baby. You have nothing to loose, your relationship is already strained, which is completely her doing. Don't think you have to hand over your children to win back a relationship with her, it really isn't worth it.

@LadyLouOf2 I think you’re making the right decision.

My parents were DESPERATE to have her. They've pined for grandchildren for so long (I think they always felt they should've had more themselves but mum had a hysterectomy young) and so were almost forcing us out the door and wanting to take her.

This resonated... my in-laws are the same. DH is an only child but not through lack of trying and they’ve been desperate for grandchildren for years... but mentally they’re not grandchildren, MIL wants to treat them like her own children. In one very rare, slightly drunken chat once, FIL admitted that he was worried about what MIL would do when there were no more grandchildren for her to try to parent. He usually seems just as keen as her, but in that moment, he told DH that he’d do his mum a favour by encouraging her to have other interests... she’s already a bit weirdly close to DH. She means well but she gets hurt if she doesn’t see him once or twice a week, she calls constantly, she wants to be involved in decisions he makes... before me DHs exes found it quite full on; and I do, although I try not to come between him and his parents. Your husband must feel like he’s a fourth parent... and I know DH struggles with not wanting to upset her, but not wanting the pressure of that much contact randomly. Sadly they’d probably have a much better relationship if she let him contact him when he wanted to, because he does tend to be in frequent contact. Just not as much as she likes. And I’d be worried that you’re putting that pressure on your DD too by letting your mum behave as her second mum. It’s a lot of responsibility.

It is lovely that your kids have grandparents that care, but they need to be grandparents, not substitute parents. And the only way to get there will be to step it down for a bit until you’ve established healthier boundaries all round, and they’ve got over any hurt that they need to process anyway, and then you can rebuild to a better level.

And now is a good time - you can use lockdown as an excuse, say you’re worried about the new strain being so transmissible, and you want them around. And nursery is good for your DD, it’ll give her new toys and skills and people. It’s developmentally positive.

They’ll sulk, of course they will, but they’ll get over it.

All the best!

You should be spending the time with both your DC during your maternity leave. The thing is although you dislike it now your home, when you go to work I take it they will be providing childcare and then you’ll expect it, which seems like it’s more down to when it’s only convenient for you. The whole relationship sounds strange, I feel for your daughter, she’s away from you for 4 days a week during your maternity leave, why are you so scared to speak to your parents and tell them she’s at nursery for two days a week, so you would like her at home with you and her brother for the remaining time? She’s your daughter and you’re her mother, stop allowing this!

Can’t you use the current pandemic as your reasoning?

My mil thought she would have our DC every Friday to Sunday... I replied with a tinkly laugh saying how absurd!

I think it's really important that your daughter is home with you and her baby brother/sister while you are on maternity. Why not take her out of nursery for the time being. That's what I did, it's lovely having them both together and good for her to share this time with you. It won't hurt her development not to be at nursery for a few months - you'll be back at work and won't see either of them soon, until you pick them up and everyone's knackered

Whenever I have said since Xmas that I wanted to raise this issue with them he's always said just to do whatever keeps everyone happy, don't rock the boat with them it's not worth the hassle etc

Whatever keeps everyone happy - but with your dd used as an Emotional Support Pe by your Dad, and a doll to be shared out by your Mum as a delayed compensation for her own incomplete (as she feels it) family.

I am not saying that it is bad or unhappy for your dd to be at her grandparents, she sounds very happy, but it needs to be recognised that the adults' needs are being put before hers in the thinking around this.

Will your Mum really be looking after your dd, your baby DS and your bother's baby when you go back to work ???

Let them pick her up after nursery keep her overnight and bring her back for tea the next day, that way you have cut the days to 3 .
I’m a bit confused why you call your mum 10 times in a day?

I hate the way you say you share her, she isn't your possession to share. Horrible turn of phrase.

Can't you use COVID as an excuse?

I would just tell your parents that, while you are at home on maternity leave, you are going to spend quality time with both your children while you can. Ask them when is the most convenient time and day for them to visit your home to see you and the children and be welcoming. You can't not see your child 4 days per week. You will never get this time back with your child and they grow up so fast. Remember she is your child and not your parents'.

Work out what you actually want, then make that happen. It's your family, you shape it. Your parents had their turn with you. You shouldn't exclude them entirely but they don't get to call the shots.

DD will pick up on the weirdness and feel weird about going to them that much when you resent it. And these are important days for her to build a bond with your DS and the family dynamic to be established.

You also need to sort out whatever happened with DH, I don't think you can just let it fester and brush it under the carpet.

I think your current arrangement is completely bonkers and you are absolutely right to change it. I cannot imagination how awful it must be to have your child ‘taken’ from you in this manner.

But I think you are very unreasonable to expect child care arrangements to go back to what they were when it suits you. Though I think stopping your daughter going to your parents as often is the right thing to do, it is clearly going to leave an enormous hole in their life and they should be encouraged to fill it with interests and friends and pastimes that bring them happiness and fulfilment - not keep it open for when you want to utilise it again.
Are you also expecting them to look after your son?

You need to be careful about calling it their 2 days especially if your relationship isn't great with them as you are effectively giving them grandparents rights. You are the parent and whilst it's lovely to facilitate wider relationships that shouldn't trump your time with your child. It sounds like you are trying to avoid them kicking off.

We had similar with my mum recently as I'm due to go back to work soon and it's long been agreed that my in laws are having our dd 2 days a week (they also have our niece these days too) FIL WFH and MIL works early mornings so they are much more flexible as to when they can have her, my mum works 4 full days and can only have her on a day that I will actually be at home and has basically said we planned my days so that she cannot have DD, and that we don't trust her, which is completely not true as she has looked after her for the odd hour or so while I went to the shop or something, but felt that she has less time to herself and that me and her could spend time together on that day with DD so she wouldn't be missing out on seeing her. It upset me initially but actually when I thought about it, she's our DD and we are doing what we feel is best for her, ourselves and all our parents, and so are sticking to our guns.
You know your child best and it's you that will have to live with the regret of missed time with her in the future. Most grandparents see their grandchildren once a week at most so your mum should consider herself lucky that you've been so generous with YOUR child so far.

yes thats another problem how long has your dh worked for them

Perhaps reduce the nursery to mornings and they can pick her up for a half day after that?

(I'm assuming nursery costs you and your mum is free?)