Another fucking expensive jacket

[bendybeep]

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

@Cookiecrumblepie

Some massive double standards on here. If a woman spent money on clothes to treat herself it would be fine. What right does anyone have to decide what is ‘appropriate expenditure’ and what is not? How is buying a jacket determinative of someone’s character and personality? It’s a item of clothing g FFS. Buying a few jackets doesn’t mean someone is spoilt or selfish or materialistic. Deciding that someone shouldn’t buy something with their own money because it doesn’t accord with your values however is pretty controlling.

Any man OR woman with forty jackets is not right in the head. I'd be steering clear of them.

I'd rather he treated himself to a nice jacket than blow it all on shit stuff like crap food, booze and stuff that makes you lazy.

I have about forty pairs of shoes. I also have about 20 jackets, amongst other things that I treat myself to like a new snowboard every once in a while. Do I need them? No. But I work hard for my money and I save the majority of it.

In all other ways he is excellent with money- clothes is his vice!

We have had conversations about marriage, children, the future etc and . I think he is partly 'investing' in all these things now because he knows he won't be able to in the future. We have the overall same values but I am much more of a saver (maybe too much!). He is generally very generous to me, and 100% would be to any children we had.

I'm not too sure why someone said it sounds like I don't like him!

I’m sorry to disagree but he’s not generous if he’s got you living in his house paying toward his bills and helping pay off his mortgage.

Man spends money he has on something he likes without any detriment to the household.

I really don't see what the problem is? Should those with disposable income stop spending because others are going through a tougher time?

@bendybeep

6 years in, yes planning children at some point.

This is the only value we clash on so I should probably just accept it. He is wonderful in all other ways but WHY SO MANY BLOODY CLOTHES?!?!?!

You sound like my husband!

@bendybeep

In all other ways he is excellent with money- clothes is his vice!

We have had conversations about marriage, children, the future etc and . I think he is partly 'investing' in all these things now because he knows he won't be able to in the future. We have the overall same values but I am much more of a saver (maybe too much!). He is generally very generous to me, and 100% would be to any children we had.

I'm not too sure why someone said it sounds like I don't like him!

If this is the only thing then maybe just leave it be. It sounds like it's not posing a risk to your finances but is just a bit of an annoyance.

You might be good at balancing each other out on the finances in future! Maybe he needs to save more and you could loosen up a bit? It sounds like you're very comfortable financially and he is enjoying it in his way, albeit a little strange.

Perhaps you should start collecting something expensive and useless and see what he thinks of it ;)

Has anyone got to the bottom of why frivolous spending is a poor move in a pandemic?

Personally it's one of the only things that's kept me going through the misery and monotony. I'm not alone, the internet is awash with memes about it. In what way is buying stuff in a pandemic wrong?

I’m sorry to disagree but he’s not generous if he’s got you living in his house paying toward his bills and helping pay off his mortgag

@C0NNIE so you missed the times when op has mentioned that he has no mortgage - that she's living there rent free...

Let the guy live! He works for his money and ultimately, he chose his career and the fact that other people are losing jobs etc has nothing to do with that. You guys are not in debt, we are unable to go out to places so if this is how he is gaining some happiness, let him! Think you should treat yourself too tho!

To be honest I’m not sure why it is such an issue.

If this was a woman, people would be defending her right to spend her own money how she sees fit.

He is financially secure, has earned a bonus and decided to blow some of it on something that makes in happy.

This maybe speak to an incompatibility between you. Your job, the pandemic and his parents aren’t relevant to this. But you are making this into something bigger.

Have a hard think now about your future together. It’s unlikely he will change. I honesrly don’t see why he needs to - unless he gets into financial difficulties or it turns into hoarding.

I know lots of people who buy a lot of t shirts or handbags or shoes.

He earns more than me but has a generally lower stress job and owns our house
Do you feel a bit envious about this? That he should get paid less than you to take into account his easier work?

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket...This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets...He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase
If he knows it’s a sore point it was insensitive to excitedly show yet another purchase wasn’t it.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc.
I’d feel like you (which I know would be entirely my issue), especially if my partner showed off his expensive, frivolous, purchases.

But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver!
Sounds like a possible mismatch of core values which could create some big issues if you got married and had children. Do you think that he’d spend silly money on unnecessary stuff for your future children, eg very expensive clothes that aren’t practical and that they’d outgrow quickly? If I were you I’d explore things like this sooner rather than later.

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with.
I’d find that unattractive so I can see why you feel a bit off about it.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes
You are, but I get how you feel.

Maybe because I don’t collect anything that isn’t either on show in the house or isn’t used, I just don’t “get” why he’d buy jackets he doesn’t wear that are hidden away. What’s the point of them?! What does he get out of buying them? Ultimately though, he's not married, you don't have joint finances, so he can spend his money how he wants. But I get you, OP.

Not being unkind but other people losing their jobs or being in worse positions financially is irrelevant to your partners spending.

He is allowed to enjoy his money. As long as he pays his way fairly and as a family you are financially secure then he can spend the extra as he wishes.

But I do also understand your frustration in seeing him hoarding jackets and that is what it is. I'm guessing you wouldnt feel as annoyed if he actually used what he buys.

YANBU

It's about more than the jacket imo.

Especially if you haven't got children but might have them one day. My x used to dress in paul smith shirts and after I was financially dependent on him I dressed in penney's bargains.

So I'd be wondering if he sees you as a team. Is he entirely comfortable living with you but seeing you experience far far less disposable income.

My x was like that. He earned so much more than I did and he was very comfortable retaining the right to enjoy a LOT more disposable income.

I left him so clearly he wasn't as good at nurturing relationships as he was at buying shirts.

I was going to go for YABU as he can afford it. But actually YANBU. 40 jackets is ridiculous!

Ps, I'd ask him if I could ebay some of his old jackets.

See what his reaction is.

If he says no I wear them all!

Id say, I get that you like them all but out of the 37 jackets I haven't seen you wear recently can you clear out just five for me to sell on ebay?

Just very very gently force him to confront it.

YANBU OP

This isn’t ok behaviour. Sounds like he’s rather obsessive/compulsive when it comes to buying jackets. This isn’t about spending money but something potentially more serious.

I’d want him to figure out why he’s buying another very expensive jacket because NO-ONE needs or can use 40 jackets so what’s he trying to resolve?

It’s a Ted flag and not something you should ignore.

He’s buying Jackets today but this isn’t normal clothes buying behaviour so if he stops buying expensive jackets, he will obsess about something else later on.

Ah just read that he owns the house.

OP I don't blame you. You live in the same house but you're in different situations financially. That is a weird one.

Either he wants to bridge that gap or he doesn't.

A lot of high earning men would still value the vocation/commitment/work ethic/ job security that comes with an NHS job.

You don't have to be in a relationship where you feel like the poor relation in your own home.

Wow OP so his only vice is he likes to buy clothes, seriously wtf.

Meanwhile you have come ona forum and botched and moaned about whether he can spend his money on clothes and then allowed complete strangers to then question him as a person, his values, his generosity etc.

Why would even do that to someone you love and that too over him buying clothes.

I'd be pretty pisssd off if my partner was moaning about me for spending my own money to other people who then talk badly about me.

OP how many pairs of shoes have you got? How much make-up that sits unused?

None of my business? EXACTLY.

YANBU I would really hate that.

He sounds like a hoarder if he keeps buying more and none never go out to charity. His money his choice but I would not be having kids with him.

why are you paying half if you dont earn as much as him

you do know he can kick you out anytime you have no rights

This thread has made me laugh so much.

Posters queuing up to give the OP’s boyfriend (note: not her husband) a good kicking.

He’s greedy and selfish. He might kick you out into the street. The relationship is doomed. He doesn’t understand what life is like for poor people. He’s obsessed with shopping. Etc etc.

And this gem:

There’s something tacky I agree about middle aged people feeling they need to “keep up with the trends” or whatever.

Yeah, middle aged people wearing fashionable clothes! Tacky! Tragic! It’s too funny.

One thing I would very much like to know is this: of the posters declaring that this man should have donated his full bonus to a charity, or used it to do a big shop for a food bank, how many apply the same reasoning to their own lives?

Eg when somebody working for the NHS goes up a spine point on their pay scale, should they donate the extra per month to a food bank? Or do they get a pass because of their worthy job?

Eg when these posters go out for lunch or dinner, does the food turn to ashes in their mouths because of the thought of the poor people?

Eg when these posters buy new clothes, do they reconsider at the till, struck by a pang of conscience because their current clothes haven’t fallen apart yet?

It reminds me of that bit in the first Adrian Mole book. Adrian spots a vicar in Sainsbury’s buying three-ply loo roll. Adrian sanctimoniously decides that the vicar is a hypocrite because he could have bought ‘shiny white’ (remember that from junior school!) and given the difference to the poor. He was only 13, though. And a fictional comedy character.