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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another fucking expensive jacket

312 replies

bendybeep · 05/01/2021 22:53

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so Sad

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

OP posts:
upsidedownwavylegs · 06/01/2021 09:07

This is extremely common among the men I know, including my DP. Collecting a particular type of coats/jackets and trainers is sort of a subculture. I have loads myself.

But in any event, I don’t think you can criticise his spending - it sounds commensurate with his income and even if it wasn’t, he’s not asking you for or depriving you of anything so I think he’d be well within his rights to send you away with a flea in your ear if you tried.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/01/2021 09:10

I'd be properly pissed off. I'd put money like that into my pension or add it to savings in case my job went. What an utter waste of money.

Cookiecrumblepie · 06/01/2021 09:11

Some massive double standards on here. If a woman spent money on clothes to treat herself it would be fine. What right does anyone have to decide what is ‘appropriate expenditure’ and what is not? How is buying a jacket determinative of someone’s character and personality? It’s a item of clothing g FFS. Buying a few jackets doesn’t mean someone is spoilt or selfish or materialistic. Deciding that someone shouldn’t buy something with their own money because it doesn’t accord with your values however is pretty controlling.

Respectabitch · 06/01/2021 09:13

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

I'd be properly pissed off. I'd put money like that into my pension or add it to savings in case my job went. What an utter waste of money.
That's all very financially prudent and everything, and you can of course do what you like, but if you're someone who already has a good savings and pension buffer, sitting on your money unnecessarily is actively contributing to all those job losses OP is so worried about.
upsidedownwavylegs · 06/01/2021 09:16

I do find it fascinating how many people post on here that seem to have no concept of the fact you don’t just get to be in charge of other people because you want to. E.g. these three suggestions:

*Suggest he does a massive shop for your local food bank with percentage of the bonus.

Ask him to choose 5 jackets to sell on eBay and the proceeds go to the food bank.

I’d secretly sell the ones he doesn’t wear!*

Do any of these posters have suggestions for next steps if she does any of these things and he quite rightly tells her to fuck off out his house that she lives in rent-free?

bluebluezoo · 06/01/2021 09:17

Some massive double standards on here. If a woman spent money on clothes to treat herself it would be fine

Treating yourself to clothes, fine. 40 of the same thing? Not fine. Especially when they only need/use 3 of that thing.

Hoppinggreen · 06/01/2021 09:17

There might be reasons why he shouldn’t have bought another jacket but the fact that other people have lost their jobs isn’t one.
Should people financially unaffected by The Pandemic not spend any money unless it’s necessary?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/01/2021 09:18

Really? So if I don't squander my money on crap the economy will go under? Well I'm not going to I'm afraid. If I had all of that spare cash I'd be buying a property with it to support my son's future not fecking useless jackets.
Still they aren't married so I suppose its his business. If it was family money I'd have something to say about it.

upsidedownwavylegs · 06/01/2021 09:19

But it is fine, by him, who’s paying for it. You might be envious or find it unpalatable but that doesn’t confer any obligation on anyone else to change their behaviour.

PussyCatInChristmasStockings · 06/01/2021 09:21

Re future and kids- marriage would be planned first, although there were previous murmerings of a pre nup to protect his family assets a couple of years ago....so look out for a thread about that in the next couple of years...

OP, are you certain he doesn't just want to protect his vast collection of jackets? Wink

Macncheeseballs · 06/01/2021 09:21

Completely agree op, I cant stand profligate spending, especially now

midnightstar66 · 06/01/2021 09:22

Really? So if I don't squander my money on crap the economy will go under? Well I'm not going to I'm afraid. If I had all of that spare cash I'd be buying a property with it to support my son's future not fecking useless jackets.

I don't think you'd get very far buying a property for the price of a few coats 😆. He already has a property, a pension, savings. Oh, and no dc!

Respectabitch · 06/01/2021 09:25

So if I don't squander my money on crap the economy will go under?

If people with money hoard it right now rather than spending at their normal levels, yes, it's economically disastrous and many, many people get unnecessarily fucked.

He already owns his property outright if I'm reading this correctly and also earns a good salary. He probably maxes out pension contributions and OP says he saves and has a solid savings buffer. He spent hundreds on the jacket (and a decent jacket does cost hundreds) but that's only 20% or so of the bonus. So he collects jackets. That's annoying, and I'd be irritated by the space it takes up. But lots of people collect things and all collections are essentially frivolous, as are most hobbies. It sounds well within the boundaries of his usual personal discretionary spend and doesn't affect the household finances at all.

If OP just can't get over the fact he collects jackets then that's her issue and she should leave him.

Someone1987 · 06/01/2021 09:27

Imagine if he was telling you what you could and couldn't buy? People would say he's controlling etc .. he got a bonus and treated himself. Good for him.

Viviennemary · 06/01/2021 09:29

If money isn't an issue then why is him buying himself an expensive jacket an issue. If bills weren't getting paid then it would be a different matter.

Cookiecrumblepie · 06/01/2021 09:30

@bluebluezoo who are you to decide what is an appropriate number of jackets?!

JinglingHellsBells · 06/01/2021 09:30

[quote cyclingmad]@jinglinghellsbells how do you know he doesn't appreciate what its like to dave.

Op says they both pay the bills and save. So he does know how to save. Maybe he might be as big a saver as she would be but do what that doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate the need to save when he does.[/quote]
I think you are missing the point.

For most people in their 30s, their biggest outgoing is a mortgage or rent.
He has neither.

Savings for him will to be buy things he wants- material things -literally!

He has never had the pressure of saving a house deposit or paying off a mortgage.

That makes a big difference.

midnightstar66 · 06/01/2021 09:38

For most people in their 30s, their biggest outgoing is a mortgage or rent.
He has neither.

Neither does OP. Pretty lucky situation to be in. He still saves

unicornpower · 06/01/2021 09:45

I kind of get it OP, I sometimes feel guilty about spending on clothes at the moment as I dont NEED them but like PP have said, you're supporting a business that may need it! I think alot of people have switched to shopping in small businesses now rather than the big chains where possible. Its almost an impossible thing. My husband buys alot of golf clubs and gold related things and I sort of thought the same at one point as you do!

Do you share finances? If my husband gets a bonus he puts most of it into our joint pot but I do encourage him to spend a chunk on himself too as he earnt it and works hard.

ExConstance · 06/01/2021 09:45

Surely in enduring long term relationships there is no "my" money only "our " money. I think the real problem is that he earns more, in an easier job and you do resent it a little bit however hard you try not to.
If this was a man complaining his wife had 40 pairs of shoes I think the situation might be viewed differently.

SweetLoveOfCod · 06/01/2021 09:46

YABU but can see why the contrast between the people you meet at work and your H with his 40th jacket could be jarring.

wildraisins · 06/01/2021 09:47

It sounds like you both earn a decent salary and are financially comfortable, so yes he can spend his money on what he likes... however, I would be questioning whether there is something going on with his mental health if he keeps buying expensive jackets that he never wears. That's not really normal behaviour.

IamAporcupine · 06/01/2021 09:49

OP, I can totally relate to you, and you are definitely not being unreasonable. The only unreasonable bit is that you talked about your jobs and the pandemic. That's not the issue here. The fact that he can afford the jackets is not the point either.

Of course it is his money and he can do what he wants blah blah, but the issue here is that you have very different ethos re. spending and/or consuming.

My DH is an obsessive buyer and it drives me up the wall. He has dozens and dozens of jackets, tools, shirts, glasses, shoes, CDs, even underwear. There is nothing wrong with buying any of those things I guess, and he has never overspent, but there is an obvious obsession re. having things. I am the opposite, I need very little. I do collect things but I never found pleasure in buying per se.

How old is your DP? Because one thing I can tell you - it gets worse unfortunately. My DH was not as bad when I met him, but now at 50 he seems to be overcompensating for everything, and it is really upsetting me.

I know that you probably do not want to hear this, if it is upsetting you this much now you should probably re-consider marrying and having children.

PurpleishDahlia · 06/01/2021 09:49

YANBU OP. This is consuming for the sake of consuming. I understand how you feel.

wildraisins · 06/01/2021 09:49

What does he say when you ask him about his jacket collection and when he is confronted with how eccentric it is to have all these jackets he never wears?

Is he a collector or hoarder? Is it because he wants to treat himself with his money but doesn't really have any hobbies or other interests to invest in?

Be interesting to get to the bottom of why he's buying all these jackets in a non-judgmental way.