Another fucking expensive jacket

[bendybeep]

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

Keeping stuff you have no need for, where does it stop?

Just for clarity, presumably this means all collections are verboten? Partnered people may not collect anything. Because after all you don't need a collection, and where does it stop?!

Are those who collect art required to ensure that they stare at each piece for a certain amount of time per week? Gotta get that cost per eyeball down!

Are those who collect art required to ensure that they stare at each piece for a certain amount of time per week? Gotta get that cost per eyeball down!

HAHAHAHA

Just for clarity, presumably this means all collections are verboten? Partnered people may not collect anything. Because after all you don't need a collection, and where does it stop?!

Really? Jackets are some sort of collectors item?

To use a pp example, if my dh decided to collect fishing rods with no intention of ever using them, and they didn’t have any investment or aesthetic value, I wouldn’t be impressed either! Especially if they were £100-200 apiece.

Like I said, if he got some sort of use out of them, fine. Even if it’s just admiring them now and again. But from what o/p has said they’re dumped untidily in a spare room.

I think this all depends on how integrated your finances are - sounds like they’re very separate, in which case it’s not really your business. If they were largely merged or you were saving up for something big together then I’d say fair enough to be frustrated. Realistically having very different spending habits is likely to be a source of difficulty forever. I’m so happy my DH and I have very similar outlooks - only really spend big on houses and holidays, or high quality sports equipment. Everything else is still fairly cheap and infrequent even though we’re very high earners.

You need to talk to your DH - not about the jacket, but about how your finances will work long term. A lot of couples get stuck in the way they started off when they first moved in together, but that approach often isn’t sensible when you’re planning to be together very long term. Maybe it’s time to integrate your finances and agree boundaries around spending money. You should also talk about property and how long term you might want to invest in the house or your own property as if you’re together for 20 years in his house then split up, you’ll be high and dry.

Jackets are some sort of collectors item?
People collect all sorts of things. Most of which I find pretty naff. So? Enough people collect trainers they never wear that there is an enormous informal market for "boxfresh" ones.

I would very much understand if OP were annoyed by the space all the jackets took up, but that isn't what she mentioned at all.

@bluebluezoo

Just for clarity, presumably this means all collections are verboten? Partnered people may not collect anything. Because after all you don't need a collection, and where does it stop?!

Really? Jackets are some sort of collectors item?

To use a pp example, if my dh decided to collect fishing rods with no intention of ever using them, and they didn’t have any investment or aesthetic value, I wouldn’t be impressed either! Especially if they were £100-200 apiece.

Like I said, if he got some sort of use out of them, fine. Even if it’s just admiring them now and again. But from what o/p has said they’re dumped untidily in a spare room.

But what is it to you? He goes out works and earns money its his business what he spends it on.

Op never said they are dumped untidly I the spare room either.

Unless the money he is using is putting then into financial difficulties its noones business.

Op has said she has savings and should invest it like a property, she herself clearly isn't hard done by if you have deposit money sitting around.

You don't get to tell people how to spend their money just cos that's not how you would spend it

@bluebluezoo

Just for clarity, presumably this means all collections are verboten? Partnered people may not collect anything. Because after all you don't need a collection, and where does it stop?!

Really? Jackets are some sort of collectors item?

To use a pp example, if my dh decided to collect fishing rods with no intention of ever using them, and they didn’t have any investment or aesthetic value, I wouldn’t be impressed either! Especially if they were £100-200 apiece.

Like I said, if he got some sort of use out of them, fine. Even if it’s just admiring them now and again. But from what o/p has said they’re dumped untidily in a spare room.

But what do you mean ‘if he got some sort of use out of them, fine’?! It doesn’t have to be fine by anyone’s measure except his - it’s his money, his jackets and his house!

And yes, plenty of coats and jackets are collectors items and have investment value. (I actually do have a very close friend who has a ‘coat room’ in his house full of investment pieces he never intends wearing.) But even if none of OP’s boyfriend’s do, it’s still sod all to do with her or anyone else that he buys them.

@Iamthewombat

I'm suggesting that the OP ask her boyfriend if he is prepared to sell any of his old jackets

So now it’s “suggesting” that she “ask” whether he is “prepared” to sell some of his possessions because the OP disapproves.

There is quite a gulf between this and “forcing him to confront it”. Which is why @upsidedownwavylegs, and others, including me, find your “suggestion” bizarre.

Well, quite.

[quote bendybeep]@allispretty yes he does also save. Yes some odd responses and views as always!

Thanks for the mix of responses, appreciate it is his money to do with what he pleases. And I am glad many agree the jackets is excessive. Clearly he is a collector.

Re future and kids- marriage would be planned first, although there were previous murmerings of a pre nup to protect his family assets a couple of years ago....so look out for a thread about that in the next couple of years...[/quote]
God your actually not a real nice person OP, you say you think its tacky of him spending his money on another jacket, that your a saver like he doesn't save when you say he does. Its not some crowning glory to be the biggest saver.

You aye you don't get bonus cos you work for NHS and underplayed undervalued etc.

Then you write a response saying that...how you'll be bsck ina few yrs to do another thread about a potential prenup...

Fml I hope he never marries you, if you love someone you wouldn't go around bitching about them over such small things like buying another jacket and letting people say not so nice things about him. Nor would they want to come back in the the future to moan about them again.

I could never be with a person who says they love me yet goes and moans and bitches about me behind my back and jot once but with intention to do it again further down the line. Disgusting behavior

We all choose our careers, and whether to stay in them. Just sayin...

@SchadenfreudePersonified

My DH is an obsessive buyer and it drives me up the wall. He has dozens and dozens of jackets, tools, shirts, glasses, shoes, CDs, even underwear. There is nothing wrong with buying any of those things I guess, and he has never overspent, but there is an obvious obsession re. having things. I am the opposite, I need very little. I do collect things but I never found pleasure in buying per se

It's not just the purchase - it's the storage!

Where do you keep all of these things? How often do they get used? How easily can he find the thing he wants when he needs it - or does he give up and buy another?

I'd find that very wearying.

@SchadenfreudePersonified - don't get me started on the storage!

It gets to the point where there is no room to store things we need because is taken by one of these 100000s items.

Not sure how he manages to find things. He probably does not, and buys them again. I don't want to ask.

It is indeed very wearing.

@lcdododo

Because he can. Because he wants to. Because he is a different person to you. Because he doesn't have to do everything the way you would.

Completely agree with this. I hate the way we compare ourselves to others in this country.

@MustardMitt
I get that it’s annoying, but I do think that it’s a ‘collection’ you’ll just have to accept @bendybeep. If it was 40 pieces of art, or first edition books that he won’t read, or any other thing I don’t think it would bother you so much - those things aren’t as visible and don’t take up as much space so it’s easier to put out of your mind.

I kept thinking about this - I admit that if my DH bought first edition books I would probably feel different.
I think there is something about having tons of something that has a clear function but it is not being used, that irks me.

@IamAporcupine I totally agree! There is some ‘virtue’ to books that there isn’t with jackets. Plus, it’s easier to fib and say actually you have read it

You can't really go making value judgements on what people collect though. It's a road to madness.

Most traditional collectibles are totally useless and go totally unused. My granny collected those ornamental spoons. Miniature trains? Used stamps (or unused ones you prefer to use? Figurines? Old invalid coinage?

@Iamthewombat

I wouldn't spend on nice to haves when the economic outlook is currently so fragile. Job instability is a thing, so keeping a reasonable amount of financial padding is especially important, until the virus is under control, and the vaccine roll out is progressing well.

How do you know that Morris’ job is unstable? Or that she doesn’t have ‘financial padding’?

I'd feel anxious levels are more under control having x months' cash available for that "rainy day" than blowing it on consumer goods that won't help in the case of a job loss, where the bills won't get paid by an extra item of clothing in the wardrobe.

Again, how do you now that she doesn’t?

The OP’s boyfriend sounds very stable. Owns his house and has significant savings, according to the OP. Why shouldn’t he keep the economy going, if that’s what he wants to do?

I thought Morris' question was a rhetorical one.

I wasn't giving my opinion specific to Morris, it was just my general opinion about spending during a pandemic.

The OPs boyfriend can do what he likes with his money. I just think he sounds selfish. Again it's an opinion.

Am I allowed to do that?

OP is a saver because she lives rent free in her boyfriend's house. He has enabled her to build up that nest egg by not charging rent for his home. Notwithstanding lack of rent, he is still sufficiently well paid and mortgage free to be able to both save money and also to buy clothes sometimes.
I fail to see where financial abuse or unreasonable behaviour comes into it.

Is it really selfish to spend your own money o yourself if you can afford to?

I am really puzzled by some of the comments here.

If my boyfriend resented me spending g my money in myself I would rethink the relationship

The OPs boyfriend can do what he likes with his money. I just think he sounds selfish. Again it's an opinion.

Am I allowed to do that?

Of course! Spout as many daft opinions as you like. In fact, I positively encourage it. It makes a nice change from the woe threads (I might have dreamt this, but I think I saw a thread in the Coronavirus topic entitled ‘Ther is NOTHING in my children’s lives”).

I would much sooner read about the OP’s disapproval of the jacket-buying habits of the man whose house she lives in rent free, and the Greek chorus of posters telling her that he is in the grip of a compulsion etc etc.

I don't think he's selfish at all! Far from it. One of the least selfish people I've ever met and one of the things I love about him.

I wouldn't expect him to give me some of his bonus. Or even buy me something with it. It would be nice to buy/do something together (god knows what atm, we would usually go for a nice meal or something), which we could still do, he just hasnt mentioned anything yet.

Cost per eyeball made me laugh

So OP says: The jackets are a mix of 'fashionable' outdoor jackets and dinner jackets/blazers. All impractical for rain or cold weather.

So I've gone through and counted up how many outdoor jackets/going out jackets and blazers I have:

I have 26, so not too far off her partners total. Around 8 of them are work attire which obviously not going to be worn until back in the office.

I also discovered at the weekend I have 6 pairs of cycling gloves (mixture of padded vs non padded, full finger or half finger, winter vs summer lol so easy to see how it adds up) and 12 bike lights and I only have 3 bikes, so its good thing I don't have anyone telling me that I'm wasting my money or what I should be spending it on

All those bike gloves? You should sell them and donate the proceeds to a food bank. I’m surprised that you can enjoy cycling, knowing that there are poor people etc etc etc etc

Would he balk at you doing the same? Does he comment on your spending? Does he ever not have enough money for essentials because of non essential spending? Does he moan about lack of security etc. Is he vulnerable to redundancy? If the answer to all these is no then YABVVVVVVVVVVVVU.

It sounds to me though like you are done in with the current situation because of your job , so YANBU to BU if that makes sense.

Also, if people feel guilty about spending, the economy will tank even quicker and the bounce back will take longer.

@Iamthewombat

All those bike gloves? You should sell them and donate the proceeds to a food bank. I’m surprised that you can enjoy cycling, knowing that there are poor people etc etc etc etc

I know how dare I own more than one of the same item. Gosh how tacky and selfish of me.

I suppose I should go cancel my order on the new pair before they deliver it