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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another fucking expensive jacket

312 replies

bendybeep · 05/01/2021 22:53

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so Sad

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

OP posts:
TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 05/01/2021 23:13

Tbh, I would have an issue with this if you are planning on having kids. How will he view his money then? Are you planning on getting married before kids so it's all family money/you don't get railroaded into staying at home because he earns more (and spends it).

How are household expenses split currently and how will that change if you're on maternity leave?

I don't think it's just another jacket, it's a completely different outlook on finances and how money should be spent in a partnership/family.

PersonaNonGarter · 05/01/2021 23:13

You are being completely unreasonable.

Jackets are his hobby —man after my own heart— and he does not need to justify that to you.

This IS envy. It sounds as though if he’d spent it on stamps or mountain biking or some other similar thing, you’d have been fine. But because it was clothes, you felt the need to tell us you work for the NHS etc.

Mumisnotmyonlyname · 05/01/2021 23:15

My fil, now deceased, used to buy silly amounts of clothes. My mil had to get a charity to collect it in a large van after he died, and tons of it was new. It took her 6 months to sort it all out, I think.

Some people are sort of clothes hoarders. That can be an issue for other.

Donotgogentle · 05/01/2021 23:16

Yanbu - completely off for him to get a £5k bonus and not treat you in some way.

And a man with 40 jackets . . . that’s a lot.

Godimabitch · 05/01/2021 23:17

It's not really joint money and you're not skint so I dont see the issue. If he wasn't contributing his fair share or you were paying everything for the kids then I'd feel differently but it's his money as far as I'm concerned and plenty of people collect expensive things they dont actively use. You dont get a right to someone elses income just because you're dating in my opinion.

katy1213 · 05/01/2021 23:19

His money - his choice - and other people's circumstances have nothing to do with it.
But don't have children until you have a house that's equally yours. (And till he's curbed his spending habits.)

WhereamI88 · 05/01/2021 23:20

YABU - you made your career choices, he made his. My partner is a key worker, I work in a highly paid profession in the private sector. Trust me, I have bought more than just a jacket with my bonus. To be fair I always also treat him/us to something too. As long as it's not financially irresponsible and there is plenty left over, it's his reward.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/01/2021 23:21

I would having a serious rethink about marriage or children with this man, honestly. You are not a team in his eyes.

Original poster
bendybeep · 05/01/2021 23:21

@allispretty yes he does also save. Yes some odd responses and views as always!

Thanks for the mix of responses, appreciate it is his money to do with what he pleases. And I am glad many agree the jackets is excessive. Clearly he is a collector.

Re future and kids- marriage would be planned first, although there were previous murmerings of a pre nup to protect his family assets a couple of years ago....so look out for a thread about that in the next couple of years...Wink

OP posts:
saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/01/2021 23:22

Can I offer a piece of advice... look the other way on his coat buying and have something that makes you happy to spend money on (even if it’s saving or giving it away)

My DH and I each have our hobbies that spend money on and don’t criticize. We good joke in a very lighthearted way, because we be know it’s important to the other even if we don’t ’get it’.

Make sure the spending fits into your collective strategy and just let it be.

You do need to accept this or move on, because he obviously finds jacket buying important and resentment will grow on both sides if you make a thing about this.

StopSquirtingBleachOnCaneToads · 05/01/2021 23:23

Sounds like a huge waste of money to me. But it's his money to waste. You have no kids, you're not married, you have separate finances, you choose to save lots of your money in your own savings account....

I can't see what the issue is.

funnylittlefloozie · 05/01/2021 23:23

Didnt he buy you anything? Mean bugger!

snappyoldfartpants · 05/01/2021 23:26

I spend on gym gear and my love of cars, my DH rarely buys himself anything at all, I'm the spender and he's just not that worried.

I talk to him about large purchases, but I don't think I'd be too happy if he judged me and said well you already have 10 leggings.. because I earn the money, we share finances and I put more into the collective pot, so I kind of feel your husband excitement.

But if you'd like something would he buy it for you??

Jenasaurus · 05/01/2021 23:27

I can see your annoyed with this purchase but some people like to buy lots of one thing, my friend used to buy handbags (expensive ones) she didnt need, and another loves shoes, jackets are maybe just his thing.

Dee1975 · 05/01/2021 23:27

Think of it another way - rather than ‘he shouldn’t spend money on unimportant items because others are losing their jobs’ ... ‘he has contributed to someone keeping a job’.

OTannenbaum · 05/01/2021 23:27

I honestly think you are being a little unreasonable in that I do think it’s totally ok for him to buy a new jacket to celebrate if that’s what he likes to spend his money on and he’s just got a bonus. Sure he might not NEED it but he wants it and I think it’s ok to have what you want if you can afford it. Life is short and we can’t take the money with us so I think it’s ok to spend your money in the way you want to while you are here.

Honestly this really sounds like a non problem to me - neither of you are struggling for money, your partner has got a bonus, you have a great relationship other than not seeing quite eye to eye on this one thing, I really wouldn’t waste any of your life fretting about the fact that he spends money on a jacket you think isn’t strictly necessary (I do agree 40 jackets is a lot but it’s obviously his thing that he collects 😂) I wish I had your problems!

HollowTalk · 05/01/2021 23:28

I'm worried about your finances, tbh - he owns the house - you aren't married, so what are you doing about your future financial security?

Btw financial differences do cause huge problems in any relationship. Be very careful who you have children with - make sure you have the same views on finances otherwise you'll really be unhappy.

auberginesarenottheonlyveg · 05/01/2021 23:29

I hear you OP. An ex of mind used to delight in showing or telling me about the painting/sculpture/all singing-all-dancing coffee machine/£200 candle/car .. you get the picture .. that he'd just bought.

He could afford it but eventually the indulgence of it used to piss me off. I'd be standing in the gallery with him, he'd ask if I liked the sculpture he was about to buy but he didn't ask which one I really liked.

It was as if spending his money was a spectator sport. I was meant to stand around twirling my hair thinking "oh wow aren't we living the dream". Except it wasn't "we" it was him.

Occasionally he would blag on about how it was contributing to the economy.

Eventually I realised he was a selfish immature cock and got rid.

Sorry I'm sure your DH isn't like that. Didn't mean to put a downer on you.

OTannenbaum · 05/01/2021 23:30

The only thing that would annoy me is that I do think he ought to be treating you to something either as an individual or as a couple as well, however maybe he plans to do this or maybe he knows you would find this even more of a waste of money and not appreciate it in which case fair enough!

Nohomemadecandles · 05/01/2021 23:31

He had 39 last week. What's really changed? Grin

littlebillie · 05/01/2021 23:32

I would think of it another way, you have the money and you have savings so no issues there.

If it was a woman buying an expensive handbag on Style and Beauty without treating her husband nobody would blink

AJ1425 · 05/01/2021 23:33

If you are ok for money and have good savings i really don't see the problem. That there is a pandemic going on and a lot of people are struggling.... its not really relevant unless you were expecting him to give his bonus to a struggling family. Its not really going to help anyone being shoved into an already healthy savings account. At least buying something, however unnecessary you consider it, is doing something for the economy.

cyclingmad · 05/01/2021 23:34

Rather its spent on jackets then gambling, or getting pissed every night or may other less tolerable things

OTannenbaum · 05/01/2021 23:34

Full disclosure though I am the metaphorical jacket buyer in any relationship so I totally see it from his point of view I’m afraid 😂 I wish I was the sort of person who couldn’t understand how anyone would even want to have 40 jackets but I am very good at spending money sadly for my finances!

Eckhart · 05/01/2021 23:35

I think there's an issue here in that you have an area upon which your values do not match, and, instead of being able to reach a situation that's comfortable to you both, you're feeling the need to reach out to strangers on the internet to prove to yourself that you're right and he's wrong.

Why can't you be right for you, and he be right for him? Given that you're not married and don't have children, why is his business causing you such a problem?

I'm not saying that you're wrong (or that he is), I'm asking why the level of communication isn't enough.