Another fucking expensive jacket

[bendybeep]

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

@GabsAlot

why are you paying half if you dont earn as much as him

you do know he can kick you out anytime you have no rights

Because it’s his mortgage free house and she’s not paying any rent. The male version is called a cocklodger here.

What does your DP deem it's reasonable for YOU to spend YOUR money on, OP?

I would reiterate that surely it's not so much the amount of jackets he has bought but the fact there is no real reason to buy them because he doesn't wear them!

I mean, that shrieks of some sort of issue surely?? And not a good one.

It would be different if he spent loads on fishing tackle ( or something that he actually used every weekend.

But he doesn't use them. This is madness.

So I would definitely try to get to the bottom of all this because whilst it might be a mild, quirky irritation now, I can promise you that if you have kids and money is more of a family issue, that the problem will become huge.

I think your ok to raise an eyebrow, or offer an eye roll, but nothing more than that.

If he saves and pays his share of the bills etc, then I guess the rest of his money is his to blow as he wishes.

The fact that his parents bought him his house, whilst makes them savers, means he possibly hasn't really need to. Maybe he doesn't understand what it's like having less money because he's never been in that position.

Personally I'd say his 'jacket hobby' () is his business. If it doesn't actually cause financial hardship for either of you, then I'd look at it as just that - a strange hobby.

I have family members who blow their free money on their hobby, which whilst is not remotely my cup of tea, it is theirs. It makes them happy. It makes me roll my eyes. Maybe his hobby is just collecting impractical jackets.

If ever that 'hobby' begins to have a detrimental effect on anything, then it's reasonable for you to be more annoyed than an mere eye roll.

As for the pandemic, as harsh as it sounds it's still up to him how he spends his money. Are you annoyed that he spent so much on a single item, and would it have been fine with him spending the same on something else (or less on a different jacket)? As neither of those scenarios would have any impact on the pandemic. Plus, technically, him buying stuff is keeping the economy going and businesses running.

It is difficult when couples have different ideas on spending. If he is a good man otherwise leave him to it.
Could he sell a few old jackets.
Do a clear out balance the karma there is a bridge in Dublin to hang old jackets for less fortunate people, would he donate 25%.
My aunt was a spender her DH a saver, they both ignored each others mishaps as neither was going to change.

@midnightstar66 40 jackets at £500 a pop is £20k which is well on the way to a very decent deposit!

I get that it’s annoying, but I do think that it’s a ‘collection’ you’ll just have to accept @bendybeep. If it was 40 pieces of art, or first edition books that he won’t read, or any other thing I don’t think it would bother you so much - those things aren’t as visible and don’t take up as much space so it’s easier to put out of your mind.

Remember Carrie Bradshaw and her is have 100 pairs of shoes and no place to live?!’ This is what this reminds me of. He’s entitled to spend his fun money on whatever he wants, but if a whole ROOM is being used to store them I’d try and steer him towards having a clear out at some point!

If you were his wife and you had children I would say you're right to be irked but you're not.

@Chamomileteaplease

I would reiterate that surely it's not so much the amount of jackets he has bought but the fact there is no real reason to buy them because he doesn't wear them!

I mean, that shrieks of some sort of issue surely?? And not a good one.

It would be different if he spent loads on fishing tackle ( or something that he actually used every weekend.

But he doesn't use them. This is madness.

So I would definitely try to get to the bottom of all this because whilst it might be a mild, quirky irritation now, I can promise you that if you have kids and money is more of a family issue, that the problem will become huge.

That's ridiculous, though, to assume that it's madness to buy things that don't have a practical use, and that it indicates an 'issue'.

There's a phrase for what you're getting at, buying things that are 'neither use nor ornament'. But it's up to him what he finds ornamental, isn't it? Have you never bought a picture for a wall? That's just something that sits there being handsome, isn't it? Why can't his jackets be something he likes to own so that they can sit there being handsome?

He can afford the jackets. OP is pissed off because some people wouldn't be able to afford the jackets. But that would mean that nobody with money should live beyond the means of the poorest people.

If you had a habit that made you beam from ear to ear, and caused absolutely no problems at all in your life, apart from the fact that your partner didn't like it; would you stop?

@MorrisZapp

Has anyone got to the bottom of why frivolous spending is a poor move in a pandemic?

Personally it's one of the only things that's kept me going through the misery and monotony. I'm not alone, the internet is awash with memes about it. In what way is buying stuff in a pandemic wrong?

I wouldn't spend on nice to haves when the economic outlook is currently so fragile. Job instability is a thing, so keeping a reasonable amount of financial padding is especially important, until the virus is under control, and the vaccine roll out is progressing well.

I'd feel anxious levels are more under control having x months' cash available for that "rainy day" than blowing it on consumer goods that won't help in the case of a job loss, where the bills won't get paid by an extra item of clothing in the wardrobe.

There's no such thing as a job for life, not least of all in a pandemic!

@Anywherebuthere

Not being unkind but other people losing their jobs or being in worse positions financially is irrelevant to your partners spending.

He is allowed to enjoy his money. As long as he pays his way fairly and as a family you are financially secure then he can spend the extra as he wishes.

But I do also understand your frustration in seeing him hoarding jackets and that is what it is. I'm guessing you wouldnt feel as annoyed if he actually used what he buys.

Also just wanted to add, back in the days pre-children I used to easily spend a few hundred on clothes a month and didnt wear much of them either. I always paid my way fairly too. I did also save but I also wanted to spend on nice things I liked.

There was nothing 'red flag' about it

After children my priority became the children/house etc. It was an easy transition from a carefree frivolous spending life to being more sensible.

And I ended up giving away most of the clothes to charity.

@Danu2021

Ps, I'd ask him if I could ebay some of his old jackets.

See what his reaction is.

If he says no I wear them all!

Id say, I get that you like them all but out of the 37 jackets I haven't seen you wear recently can you clear out just five for me to sell on ebay?

Just very very gently force him to confront it.

Force him to let her sell his stuff?! What the fuck are you on about?

Poor op was born in the wrong place / time. She would make an excellent Puritan or fervent communist party member.

I wouldn't spend on nice to haves when the economic outlook is currently so fragile. Job instability is a thing, so keeping a reasonable amount of financial padding is especially important, until the virus is under control, and the vaccine roll out is progressing well.

How do you know that Morris’ job is unstable? Or that she doesn’t have ‘financial padding’?

I'd feel anxious levels are more under control having x months' cash available for that "rainy day" than blowing it on consumer goods that won't help in the case of a job loss, where the bills won't get paid by an extra item of clothing in the wardrobe.

Again, how do you now that she doesn’t?

The OP’s boyfriend sounds very stable. Owns his house and has significant savings, according to the OP. Why shouldn’t he keep the economy going, if that’s what he wants to do?

KNOW, not NOW!

I don't know how useful this thread can be for you, OP. As you can see there is a fairly even divide between people who have absolutely no problem with it and those who would consider it a deal-breaker. What is clear is that it bothers you, and that this won't go away if you continue to join your lives together with marriage and children. Bluntly, you either need to find a way to reconcile your differing values around money or re-evaluate the relationship.

@upsidedownwavylegs

What the ''fuck'' am I on about??

I'm suggesting that the OP ask her boyfriend if he is prepared to sell any of his old jackets. Just maybe five of the 37 he doesn't wear.

I hope that explains what the fuck I'm on about.

Poor op was born in the wrong place / time. She would make an excellent Puritan or fervent communist party member.

I tend to agree. The OP and a load of the other bleeding hearts on this thread. Two sets of clothes only. No frivolity.

One can never have too many clothes....😊

I'm suggesting that the OP ask her boyfriend if he is prepared to sell any of his old jackets

So now it’s “suggesting” that she “ask” whether he is “prepared” to sell some of his possessions because the OP disapproves.

There is quite a gulf between this and “forcing him to confront it”. Which is why @upsidedownwavylegs, and others, including me, find your “suggestion” bizarre.

My DH is an obsessive buyer and it drives me up the wall. He has dozens and dozens of jackets, tools, shirts, glasses, shoes, CDs, even underwear. There is nothing wrong with buying any of those things I guess, and he has never overspent, but there is an obvious obsession re. having things. I am the opposite, I need very little. I do collect things but I never found pleasure in buying per se

It's not just the purchase - it's the storage!

Where do you keep all of these things? How often do they get used? How easily can he find the thing he wants when he needs it - or does he give up and buy another?

I'd find that very wearying.

I do this kind of thing
I absolutely LOVE new clothes, I grew up in a house with very stingy parents who would never buy me nice or trendy clothes. For me a nee outfit would be a very special treat i had worked hard for all year.
To be honest I don't ever pay full price but shopping is my 'thing'. And I prob do it more often than your partner
Maybe he feels the same??

@Iamthewombat

This thread has made me laugh so much.

Posters queuing up to give the OP’s boyfriend (note: not her husband) a good kicking.

He’s greedy and selfish. He might kick you out into the street. The relationship is doomed. He doesn’t understand what life is like for poor people. He’s obsessed with shopping. Etc etc.

And this gem:

There’s something tacky I agree about middle aged people feeling they need to “keep up with the trends” or whatever.

Yeah, middle aged people wearing fashionable clothes! Tacky! Tragic! It’s too funny.

One thing I would very much like to know is this: of the posters declaring that this man should have donated his full bonus to a charity, or used it to do a big shop for a food bank, how many apply the same reasoning to their own lives?

Eg when somebody working for the NHS goes up a spine point on their pay scale, should they donate the extra per month to a food bank? Or do they get a pass because of their worthy job?

Eg when these posters go out for lunch or dinner, does the food turn to ashes in their mouths because of the thought of the poor people?

Eg when these posters buy new clothes, do they reconsider at the till, struck by a pang of conscience because their current clothes haven’t fallen apart yet?

It reminds me of that bit in the first Adrian Mole book. Adrian spots a vicar in Sainsbury’s buying three-ply loo roll. Adrian sanctimoniously decides that the vicar is a hypocrite because he could have bought ‘shiny white’ (remember that from junior school!) and given the difference to the poor. He was only 13, though. And a fictional comedy character.

Brilliant :)

There is no thread on here that can't be solved by Adrian Mole. It's basically the Bible, except people have actually read it.

I tend to agree. The OP and a load of the other bleeding hearts on this thread. Two sets of clothes only. No frivolity

It’s not about too many clothes. It’s about 37 jackets he has no need of and doesn’t use.

Keeping stuff you have no need for, where does it stop? 100 jackets? When does it cross that line into compulsive or hoarding behaviour?

I’d have no issue with 40 jackets if he needed and wore them all.

It can’t be great for the environment, plus is he buying ethically or are they from sweatshop/child labour countries?

I’d have no issue with 40 jackets if he needed and wore them all.

It can’t be great for the environment, plus is he buying ethically or are they from sweatshop/child labour countries

Eh?

You wouldn’t mind him having 40 jackets if he wore them all. That would be fine with you.

It’s only because he isn’t wearing 37 of them (according to the OP) that you are concerned about the environment and sweatshop labour? But those things wouldn’t trouble you if he was wearing the jackets?

Haha I wish I knew OP partner so I could send this to him and tell him how the person he loves has been bitching about him spending his money on another jacket and allowed his character to be judged and all sorts of assumptions made about him as a person

Who does that to their partner! Over buying a jacket.

I think OP you should think long and hard about your own behaviour and whether you would like it if your partner had come on here complaining about you like this