Another fucking expensive jacket

[bendybeep]

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

A few hundred on a jacket is hardly a big purchase, is it? A coat from the highstreet is easily £80-120, and even if the jacket was 1k, he still has 4k left.

It's also relative to your financial situation. I know when I was at uni (so in a low paid, part time job). I spent a proportion of my wage every month on clothes. Some I wore all the time, others I wore once. Not great for sustainability, granted, but it was my little hobby and it made me feel happy. If a boyfriend had came in to my room and started telling me off for things I hadn't wore, trying to shame me, it would be the last time for sure.

When you aren't married and have separate finances, you don't get a say on what your partner spends their money on. And even if you are married, that doesn't give you the right to control someone's finances to suit yourself and your own preferences, either. It's controlling and manipulative.

If it was a reversed situation where an unmarried woman (whose boyfriend lives in the house she owns) works and treated herself to a pair of shoes out of her bonus which made up less than a fifth of it, I highly doubt anyone would take the side of the man who was complaining about her shoe collection. Especially upon learning that he has savings of his own. In fact, I'd hazard a guess and say people would call him a cocklodger.

Just because it isn't what you'd do, doesn't mean it's wrong.

YANBU

Your partner is a bit of a dick. With hoarding/shopping addiction tendencies.

For me he would have to have A LOT of redeeming features before I would commit to spending the rest of my days with him. ie Great sense of humour, fun to be around, kind and helpful, fantastic in bed, etc etc. If he is also rubbish in other areas - think Very Carefully.

Interesting on how many fellow shopping addicts there are in the world who buy things and then don't wear them more than once. That doesn't make it right.

@katy1213

His money - his choice - and other people's circumstances have nothing to do with it. But don't have children until you have a house that's equally yours. (And till he's curbed his spending habits.)

This.

I’d be annoyed at the jacket too. I think you and he have different value systems and attitudes towards money - are you sure it’s going to work in the long term ?

How will things be if you have a baby and have no income on maternity leave, when you are living in his house ? He could throw you and your baby out on the streets - what would you do?

And how about when you go back to work and are broke, spending all your wages on childcare while he has his own home and a wardrobe of clothes worth tens of thousands of pounds?

The jacket habit is ridiculous, but so is your sanctimony about there being a pandemic on which requires us all to go around in sackcloth and ashes. You're displacing something else onto that (as is he with his jacket hoarding). I agree with a PP who says it sounds like a clash of values. I also agree with billy's post upthread. Mutterings about prenups don't sound good at all, tbh.

Time for a frank conversation before any proceeding to the next stage (children in particular).

DH buys expensive stuff. It's a sort of addiction. He won't sell any of it (due to laziness imv as it's expensive and would be a hassle to sell and get a good price for). He moved house a lot as a child due to DF's job, I think this is why, he couldn't accumulate stuff then so does now.

You sound as if you really don’t like him. Your post is dripping with contempt. The fact you chose a worthy public sector job is neither here nor there and certainly not his fault.

If people like your do didn't buy the jackets then whoever makes them wouldn't have a job. 💁🏻‍♀️

So by your reasoning no one should buy anything that’s frivolous at the moment because there are people out there losing their jobs . Ridiculous.
Are you always so controlling on what he spends his money on . He has savings, he pays the bills so he can spend any spare money on what he wants.
Or should he donate it to a food bank, would that make you feel better

I understand where you are coming from, absolutely. It does seem frivolous, when other people are fighting for their lives and losing their livelihoods. However, spending money on frivolous things is a coping mechanism and a form of escapism, isn’t it? I’ve just bought a lovely pair of boots, with heels. Not expensive, half price in the sale, but completely frivolous, as I won’t have anywhere to wear them for months. I love them, however, they make me feel hopeful about the future. I think you need to address your differing attitudes to money, though - this is going to cause problems if you have children. I’m also a bit alarmed that you don’t jointly own your house...Do you have your own property? Anyway, YANBU - feeling miffed is completely understandable.

The question is what underlying need is treating yourself to an expensive item, that you don't need and probably won't wear, meeting ?

@BluebellsGreenbells

I’m going to guess you have very different political beliefs!

This is a similar conversation I have with DH but it’s not clothes!!

I can’t bear to see family struggle while he buys more crap.

We’ve had very different up bringings.

Ask him to choose 5 jackets to sell on eBay and the proceeds go to the food bank.

Why should he sell his jackets on eBay just because the OP doesn’t like it.

If my partner told me I had to sell 5 of my shoes/coats I’d tell him to piss off.

What’s crap to you isn’t crap to someone else.

I was about to criticise him for having 40 jackets, then my husband laughed and said Clare how many pairs of heels do you own?

It’s 3 times that and half of those are loboutins, Jimmy choo etc

It could be worse op lol

We need the people who can afford to spend to keep spending.

@Tellmetruth4

We need the people who can afford to spend to keep spending.

Oooooo I like you

Im going to use that line on hubby when I buy my next pair of shoes lol

I think this is less about the money and more about a difference in values. I think that's what is really irking you.

Based on the information about your finances, you have provided, he hasn't really done anything wrong but I can see why you feel it is frivolous. But you clearly have different attitudes and values towards money. How big an issue this is is up to you but I would let this one go.

I’m with you o/p. 40 jackets is too many. Say £200 each, that’s £8k sat in a cupboard not being worn.

I’d feel the same about anything though, shoes, leggings, tshirts, but I am quite minimal and hate buying things I never get to wear.

He either needs to stop buying them or start getting rid of some.

I don’t follow the “investing in the economy” thing unless he’s buying really high end, ethical stuff. It’s far more likely his money is driving child labour and sweatshops in some deprived country.

Where on earth does he keep them all?

The question is what underlying need is treating yourself to an expensive item, that you don't need and probably won't wear, meeting ?

This.

Where on earth does he keep them all?

His jacket room, I guess.

Sorry, I think it's vulgar and couldn't respect someone with that many jackets.

How do you really really know his job is less stressful than yours? You sound awfully bitter and resentful op. When we got married 30 years ago, we had a pre-nup because it was my house and I can't see the problem. Where's your house or flat?

Having said that 40 jackets is a lot if they are all tailored suit jackets; you haven't shared that but what I really want to know is how much it was and then I'd be able to say whether he had spent excessively.

I just had a look in DH's wardrobe and including suit jackets there must be about 30 items that loosely fall under the term jacket. If you are saying he has 40 tailored jackets then perhaps that is excessive but if it includes things like coats and general outerwear I'm not so sure.

I think you may have an issue with your individual values and what ideally your respective lifestyles are and should be but when I worked in the City/Finance I probably didn't give off a stressed vibe but it was very stressful. People's errors were magnified, the floor was noisy, the clients were demanding and needed instant attention, 6 screens, several phone lines and one never ever ran late, not for work, not for a meeting, not on a commitment and 12 hour days every day but to someone in the NHS I would just have been someone in a office who took a lunch hour. Just not true op.

I think it's great that you comprehend the impact the pandemic is having on the public as a whole op - I comprehend that too and so does DH. It's an awful time: I have had wine every day, DH has bought more books and music and had more wine, DD has gone overboard on electrical and pens and baking - everyone is getting through as best they can.

If he falls on hard times he can eBay/depop/whatever a few jackets and still not get cold when he goes for a walk.
It's a shitty time, he bought something that makes him happy. Why shit on that?

I couldn't live with someone or probably even be friends with someone who was so materialistic or greedy so yeah, I get it OP. Selfishness is deeply unattractive.

Could you negotiate a one in, one out policy with the jackets? Donate to homeless shelters?

But assuming he won’t do this, yes it’s very annoying, but in the big scheme of things if buying expensive jackets is his worst habit then it sounds pretty harmless. But still annoying!

I would love to see a pic of his 'Jacket room' with all the jackets lined up.
Take some pics - I dare you.