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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another fucking expensive jacket

312 replies

bendybeep · 05/01/2021 22:53

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so Sad

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

OP posts:
vanillandhoney · 05/01/2021 23:40

Your issue is that you're unmarried and living in his house.

Where would you go if you he kicked you out tomorrow?

You're very vulnerable.

PlanDeRaccordement · 05/01/2021 23:41

Well, you and your partner do not have joint finances, so you have no leg to stand on regarding how he spends his disposable cash. A £5k bonus is definitely disposable and spending a few hundred of that, is actually pretty frugal over all as he’s still saving over £4K or 80% of the bonus.

I like you do not understand why he is a jacket collector, but honestly I
I can understand that many people do like to collect something as a hobby of sorts, whether it be postage stamps, or little minature soldiers or train sets or perfumes or shoes or designer handbags. So look at his jacket collection as a hobby. He obviously isn’t buying them for practical reasons.

oakleaffy · 05/01/2021 23:41

@bendybeep

No children

I'm not saying I should have a say in what happens with the money- I just wish he could realise for himself he doesn't need another bloody jacket!!!!!

Compulsive buying can become an obsession. Like an addiction.. The ~Dopamine rush of the purchase... He may be a compulsive shopper. Men can collect some odd stuff. It's the buying he loves, not the jacket once he has bought it, and the novelty fades.
Rachie1973 · 05/01/2021 23:43
jessstan1 · 05/01/2021 23:43

I don't suppose he has spent the entire £5k on frivolous things. However you are a partnership and he should discuss finances with you up to a point, it's only fair. I hope he has treated you out of his bonus.

Eckhart · 05/01/2021 23:44

It's the buying he loves, not the jacket once he has bought it, and the novelty fades

How do you know? And what's up with liking buying stuff, if you have the money to buy it with?

BluebellsGreenbells · 05/01/2021 23:46

I’m going to guess you have very different political beliefs!

This is a similar conversation I have with DH but it’s not clothes!!

I can’t bear to see family struggle while he buys more crap.

We’ve had very different up bringings.

Ask him to choose 5 jackets to sell on eBay and the proceeds go to the food bank.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 05/01/2021 23:47

@vanillandhoney

Your issue is that you're unmarried and living in his house.

Where would you go if you he kicked you out tomorrow?

You're very vulnerable.

Umm presumably she’d rent or buy something with all the savings she has from not spending it on his house....
HumphreyGoodmanswife · 05/01/2021 23:50

I don't understand what you being a health worker has got to do with it. I say that as someone who has only ever been employed by the NHS my whole working career. My DH has always worked for the private sector and, quite frankly, it's not the easier of the two options.

DH (also high earner) lost his job due to the first lockdown as the whole business went under. I am pleased that people who are still earning are spending if they can afford it, then maybe even more private sector workers won't end up in the same awful position we've been in these last 9 months.

Bagamoyo1 · 05/01/2021 23:50

I’d secretly sell the ones he doesn’t wear!

Guineapigbridge · 05/01/2021 23:53

One day there'll be something that you buy that he thinks, what a phenomenal waste of money. I think with discretionary spending and there's no budget issues then it should be "live and let live". There are, of course, notable exceptions (problem gambling and pornography being two).

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 05/01/2021 23:55

Where the hell does he store 40 coats?? That would be my biggest issue, them taking over the house!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/01/2021 23:58

YABU and sound a bit jealous.

grapewine · 06/01/2021 00:01

I’d secretly sell the ones he doesn’t wear!

Yeah, that's not controlling at all.

Robbybobtail · 06/01/2021 00:02

Yes I understand what you mean Op - I find buying for buyings sake/materialism really unappealing too, one of the things I love most about dh is that despite us being well-off he hardly ever buys stuff for himself. He just doesn’t buy into the consumer culture and would rather have a few good quality things than buy “fashion” items.

There’s something tacky I agree about middle aged people feeling they need to “keep up with the trends” or whatever. I just don’t really care personally. Each to their own of course but I get what you’re saying.

violetbunny · 06/01/2021 00:05

YABU, I think it's all relative really. You cite the pandemic as being a reason why it seems wrong, but before the pandemic, there were millions of people around the world in terrible living situations. Should he not have bought a jacket even before the pandemic even though people were living in suffering? What purchases do you personally make which poor people around the world would perceive as wasteful? When is it ok to spend on something other than the barest of essentials?

Buggy1720 · 06/01/2021 00:08

Are you just jealous his wardrobe is bigger than yours Wink JOKE
I get what your saying spend your money how you like but Spend it on things you need my partner collects plain white t shirts he has hundreds all the same always buys new ones though

MushMonster · 06/01/2021 00:09

I understand how you feel. He has done nothing wrong, but if he is not wearing them, what is the point? If he was wearing them all or most of them, ok. Not ideal, but we all have things we love, and we collect.
Also, jackets do take massive space in wardrobes. That would seriously piss me off!

LadyAddle · 06/01/2021 00:09

Conspicuous excess - I'm with you on this, OP, it would sit very ill with me too. And it does sound a bit compulsive as a PP said; hoarding jackets is hoarding nonetheless!

GabsAlot · 06/01/2021 00:11

i dont think the jackets are the problem

the finances on the other hand hmm

Tillsforthrills · 06/01/2021 00:12

I see your point of view but imagine a man wrote this a about his wife!

It’s annoying OP but if you work in a stressful role helping others in the NGS make sure you treat yourself too from time to timeFlowers

supersplodge · 06/01/2021 00:12

Whaaat??? It's not the money, it's the number of jackets! I hope you have a huge house as you're going to run out of space.

DH does this with shirts. He has some handed down from (deceased) relatives which he insists on keeping, as well as some ancient ones which he loves, but insists he has nothing to wear so keeps buying more. He doesn't even need them for work, these are either for social or casual round home-wear. When we moved in together I had to share my (large) wardrobe with him and he's gradually taken most of it over. There are shirts in another cupboard and in our DS's room. I counted 28 recently and I'm sure that wasn't all. He never wears 90% of them but won't get rid. I feel your pain.......Grin!

Granted - shirts are cheaper than jackets, at least. I don't think I'd begrudge your OH on the basis of other people struggling - as that's a never ending slope. However, I would begrudge him for the waste, the not treating us both Smile, and maybe think he should save it for when we do have children rather than fritter it on stuff he never wears.....

reader12 · 06/01/2021 00:16

I’d find 40 jackets ridiculous and very annoying too. But I agree with others, your post suggests there are bigger problems than the jackets. It sounds like you can’t talk openly to him about this and that your values don’t match. And if you’re not married after 6 years, is marriage and kids really something you both want?

Sinful8 · 06/01/2021 00:18

@bendybeep

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so Sad

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

Why are you banging on about people as if it should affect your spending.

Have you spent the last few decades only eating plain rice so you don't seem tacky to all those starving people around the world.

category12 · 06/01/2021 00:19

Money is one of the biggest reasons that marriage break up.

If you have such differing views about spending and saving, you may be heading for trouble if you're intending to have children and pool resources in marriage. It would really be worth understanding each other's viewpoints on money, because if they're totally misaligned, it'll be a huge issue.