Another fucking expensive jacket

[bendybeep]

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

[quote Rachie1973]

What's your bill split? Depends on that really. You're marrying someone who you don't share values with on finances, and who wants to protect his money from you.

@BluebellsGreenbells

I’m going to guess you have very different political beliefs!

This is a similar conversation I have with DH but it’s not clothes!!

I can’t bear to see family struggle while he buys more crap.

We’ve had very different up bringings.

Ask him to choose 5 jackets to sell on eBay and the proceeds go to the food bank.

Wtf kind of insanity is this

BluebellsGreenbells - brilliant!

It would annoy me too! I hate waste. My Ex would spend 400 pounds on really expensive shoes and then never wear them because they were too uncomfortable.

Did you see the episode of Marie Kondo with the guy who was obsessed with buying sneakers? He had hundreds of them in boxes that he never wore and when he started opening the boxes a lot just started falling apart and he just realised how much money he had wasted on these sneakers that he never wore. It was kind of sad.

Anyway, I think maybe the issue with your DP (which was the issue with my DP) is that money just burns a hole in his pocket. As soon as he gets his bonus, he just has to spend it. It doesn't matter if he actually needs something or not. So, I agree with a PP that maybe this is a symptom of a bigger issue. If you buy a house, have kids together, maybe it will be a bigger issue than just coats.

Is he your boyfriend? If so, he can buy what he likes. I have too many coats and DH complains. I get rid of one and replace it with a new one. 😆 He earns more than me and only has about 4 jackets. I have about 20.

Do you mean jackets as in outdoor warm coats/anoraks or blazer, suit jacket indoor type things?

No advice, just curious!

Lots of people ,men and women. have a passion for buying clothes, whether they need something new or not. I would feel the same as you, but not a lot you can do about it if he want's to blow some extra money on something. and you can't really make comparisons to what other people do,whether they are careful savers, or big spenders.

Forty jackets is as silly as a hundred pairs of shoes.

It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

I think crass is the word. It’s the fact he collects them and never wears most of them that is the clincher for me.

On another subject, If you’ve been together six years and “murmurings” about a prenup were two years ago, why not buy your own flat and let it out as a back up plan? Get a tie in the ladder in case this one never ends in marriage?

It is excessive and shallow. Find it very unattractive personally.

It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc

What, so you’re saving money, rather than spending it on yourself, in order to show solidarity with the poor?

Really?

Gosh, I bet they’re very grateful.

You’re saving money for yourself, because that’s what you enjoy doing, and hanging all the moral crap on it makes me prefer the sound of your DP, to you. At least he sounds like he enjoyed his purchase.

Yes, it would be crass if he rubbed it in the face of someone who’d just lost their job, but he didn’t did he? He talked about it to you - who has significant savings.

How do you resist relentlessly taking the piss?! I wouldn't be able to stop myself. There's comedy gold in a jacket collection. He'd be getting jacket puns, jacket potatoes for tea, jacket facts. As an aside, I've read and typed the word 'jacket' so many times on this thread it sounds silly and nonsensical now. Jacket. Jacket jacket jacket. 😂

Suggest he does a massive shop for your local food bank with percentage of the bonus.

OP,

MN is fully of threads from women who had children before they got married with men that insisted they continue to contribute to ALL bills while on Mat Leave.

Who also thought childcare costs were nothing to do with them or financially abused the SAHM.

Financially protecting yourself and being absolutely on the same page as your husband is crucial.

Do not have children with a man who isn't pushed about marrying you....it's a dim move.

If he is very concerned about keeping his assets to himself after ye marry and remain splitting costs after 6 years, I would be rethinking this relationship.

40 jackets, 37 of which he doesn't wear just seems twatty to me...🤷🏻‍♀️

Protect yourself and choose wisely.

I voted yanbu based on your dp not wearing said jacket. Its hardly an investment is it?
He needs a one in, one out system.

My father has over 318 pairs of shoes (that was the amount last time the twins counted and he’s bought more since). He only has two feet and can’t walk as far as he used to, but he just loves shoes. They live in a large dressing room created purely for the shoes, which looks like a shoe store.

When my parents moved to Australia and had some of their belongings shipped, he insured his shoes specifically in case anything happened to them. My mother also loves shoes, but has about 100 pairs, and he complains when she buys more as it means there are less spare shelves for shoes he is yet to buy.

So yes, YABU for complaining he has 40 coats. In fact, I have more than that and I live in a warm country now.

Is he The Cat from Red Dwarf?
Seriously though, I think YANBU but you probably hit a nerve with all the shoe/clothes hoarders. I married a collector of things, and it was hard work when we had to get rid of everything, fit our lives into two suitcases and move abroad. I empathise with your situation. It would do me in if he filled a room with 40 jackets that were just decaying slowly and collecting dust. Things are like background noise; the more I have, the louder it gets until I can't think.

*Yab very u.

Why can't he buy an expensive jacket if he can afford it? On your reasoning we'd all just have the bare minimum. 2 outfits, one to wear, one in the wash, sumner jacket, winter jacket, and 2 pairs of shoes!

If an expensive jacket gives him pleasure then let him crack on*

There's a big difference between 2 and 40 though. I can see where OP is coming from. Thousands and thousands of pounds worth of clothes, and it's not as if he really enjoys them by the sounds of things, so what's the point?

Sounds like a clash of ethos - I think that's fair enough. I don't think has a right to tell him off for it, but I do think she has a right to disapprove.

I think it would have been nice if he brought you something. I think you would have appreciated a Thoughtful gift. I understand how you feel I would be the same. But hecan spend his money on what he likes. You both have different values when it comes to money, could be a problem long term.

I voted YANBU, because he should have given some of that bonus to charity and spent some on things you both can enjoy. If he has done this with the remainder of the bonus then YABU (although I basically agree with you on the squillions of jackets!)

Maybe suggest he donate some of the older ones.

It's his bonus. In my opinion, as long as he still contributes a little bit to the family pot/contributes his wage he's entitled to spend some of his bonus on himself. People buy stuff they like. People like to collect things. You might not like it but it clearly brought him a bit of joy and after 2020, maybe let people have joy where they find it?

Saying about people losing their jobs is a cheap shot, though. He has a job and works for his money, and I presume he isn't going on social media bragging about his jacket? You're using others' misfortune to try and add gravitas to your argument because you are, seemingly, jealous of his job and the reward from it.

@billy1966

OP,

MN is fully of threads from women who had children before they got married with men that insisted they continue to contribute to ALL bills while on Mat Leave.

Who also thought childcare costs were nothing to do with them or financially abused the SAHM.

Financially protecting yourself and being absolutely on the same page as your husband is crucial.

Do not have children with a man who isn't pushed about marrying you....it's a dim move.

If he is very concerned about keeping his assets to himself after ye marry and remain splitting costs after 6 years, I would be rethinking this relationship.

40 jackets, 37 of which he doesn't wear just seems twatty to me...🤷🏻‍♀️

Protect yourself and choose wisely.

I agree with this post from billy. It sounds as though he is a selfish man. He is spending his bonus exclusively on him and talking about a prenup. If / when you have children together, your earning potential will reduce whilst giving your family the gift of a child. You may have birth injuries, or like me, your health ruined - I had ivf. It doesn’t sounds as if he’s the sort of man, who will share his money. Therefore for me he is not a keeper.

I think there is a psychological reason for his spending. It doesn't seem normal to me to spend so much for something you are not using. I know a mum that used to buy shoes for her children all the time. He son had about 20 pairs at the age of 1!! Then one day she realised it came from her childhood when her parents were constantly working (they were farmers) and her grandma was looking after her. So at some point she needed new shoes, but her parents were working and her grandmother was not getting enough on her pension to get her some..

I totally get your point for what is going on at the moment. It seems you are much more compassionate than him..

I understand it's his money, but in my world, you should discuss big purchases. Moving forward, if you have children, wouldn't it bother you even more if he kept on spending like that.
Have you ever talked about it? What does he say? Would it not be wiser to invest in something more worthwhile

@cherish123

Is he your boyfriend? If so, he can buy what he likes. I have too many coats and DH complains. I get rid of one and replace it with a new one. 😆 He earns more than me and only has about 4 jackets. I have about 20.

I think you and OP's partner should potentially get together....

Coat Girl and Jacket Man... Enter the Closet!

😂