Another fucking expensive jacket

[bendybeep]

Is this a non issue? DP has bought himself a new jacket.

For background I work in a clinical role in the NHS, he works for a private company. He earns more than me but has a genrally lower stress job and owns our house. I have decent personal savings as does he, so money is no issue.

He told me this evening he bought an expensive jacket ( hundreds of pounds but tbh I didn't want to know exact cost). This is a particular sore point as he has around 40 jackets. He wears about 3 of them, yet keeps buying more. It's like a compulsion and I think it's a huge waste of money and not great for the environment (although he never throws any away). I'm just not materialistic at all really, yet he clearly is.

Turns out he got a £5k bonus(!!!) And decided to spend a decent chunk of this on something frivolous. He was practically giddy telling me about the purchase, but I am less them impressed. AIBU to be pissed off at how he spends his money?! It just seems so selfish/short sighted/tacky(can't think of right word) to be doing this in the midst of a pandemic when people are losing jobs, unable to work, losing loved ones etc etc.

Maybe I am just jealous as obviously have never had a bonus in my life working for NHS, underpaid, overworked etc. But im not too bothered about having the money- i am a saver! And people losing their jobs and businesses atm just makes me feel so

I think he's in his own sort of world with money and doesn't understand how things are for the vast majority of people having never had to worry about money and enough disposable income to whatever he likes with. I am probably just being overly sensitive.

Please tell me IABU and he can spend his money however he likes...

He’s an adult earning his own money,he doesn’t need your permission or approval
Fact he earns more is irrelevant, he’s not obliged to curtail his spending to match yours

Prenup, yes he’d be prudent to get one. It’s sensible

If a man posted a one in one out about partner belongings he’d get a pasting

You say he owns your house, how much do you contribute to the bills? It's not your concern him spending his money and he can choose to do what he likes with his bonus, it's his bonus. You've got money as you said, so if you want something, buy it yourself. You may not like what he choose to spend his money on but that's irrelevant

@Miramour

I couldn't live with someone or probably even be friends with someone who was so materialistic or greedy so yeah, I get it OP. Selfishness is deeply unattractive.

Yet she is more than content to live in a house that he paid for and pays for. How materiailistic or greedy is that. Selfishness like that is deeply unattractive.

You see how ridiculous that sounds now.

It is his money and it is not taking away from household expenses. Things change when you have kids and money is needed for them/childcare and so on. As they do in various stages of your life.

He is in the single DINKY stage (dual income no kids yet). Indeed he isn't even married yet. It is his property they live in . OP hasn't said whether she pays any rent or even if she does whether she considers it an unreasonable amount.

He can spend his bonus as he wants, keeps his jackets in his house and if, as OP says, they do intend to marry at some point need to have a conversation about how they envisage family/joint finances will work. If at that stage their expectations do not match then there is a problem. I can't get worked up that a man who eanrs his own money, owns his own property buys himself something he wants from his own money.

Oh well, something 'unnecessary' to you is helping to keep people employed in a pandemic where not everyone has disposable income.

It sounds like there's an element of incompatibility here and you look down on him for not sharing your 'ethics'.

He obviously has a thing for jackets...I am obsessed with coats but do not have 40!

I think i get you op....i would rather he saved the money for a holiday for when its all over.

However, if it gives him oleasure...why not?
I am training for an NHS clinical role and just finished placement...i know how tough it is but a bit of frivolity and fun majes the tough times bearable.
When i die i want ti be wearing my best clothes and my DM boots...sorry if that sounds awful...im just saying that people still want to look great even in times of great hardship.

Pleasure

What gers to me is thatndokd woken can have 50 pairs of shoes or even more and thats okay. But a man had 40 jackets and its being questioned.

Yabu and bang out of order.

His parents bought the house for him (mortgage free) which is why we are not shared owners. I contribute 50% of the bills and we have a joint account for food, things for the flat etc.

I do need to find a way to invest my savings. Have considered property but don't really want a huge mortgage/the stress of being a landlord.

There are clearly some very passionate shopping addicts on here

I will not be posting pics of the jacket room, it's an absolute tip! I stay away from it
The jackets are a mix of 'fashionable' outdoor jackets and dinner jackets/blazers. All impractical for rain or cold weather. I finally persuaded him to buy a practical warm waterproof jacket after having to listen to him moan he has 'no jacket to wear' when we go for a walk which of course is now the only one he wears now.

I can't remember who said there would be a psychological reason behind the jackets. Not sure if it's relevant but his parents are both huge savers (so have a lot of money), both worked full time and he would wait outside the front door in all weathers after school for them to come home from work. Although surely that would mean he should be 'investing' in practical jackets?

He's a selfish git, please don't have children with him. He gives me the ick just thinking about his behaviour.

He has his spending priorities completely wrong, he shouldn't gloat to you about spending money on yet another bloody jacket and he should be less crass and more sensitive to your feelings and needs.

You wait till you have to bear his children, and have even less income, he'll be even more mean and selfish and the economic division between you will become a chasm.

How can somebody have 40 good quality jackets they don't wear?

40 jackets is stupid. But other men are drunks, cheats, gambling addicts... if that's his biggest fault then I'd probably just accept it as an eccentricity.

Do you do anything he finds weird?

I don’t think it’s that excessive if it’s all manner of jackets. A few hundred for a tailored jacket isn’t that expensive, to be fair.

A woman may well have forty pairs of shoes if they add up all the different types they own. I’m thinking how many ‘jackets’ I own but don’t wear at the moment. Probably only a dozen tailored jackets, but add on evening jackets, dog walking jackets, everyday throw on to go shopping jackets, cold weather outdoor activity jackets and it adds up.

YABU. It’s his money, you don’t have the right to judge or decide what he should buy or what is a worthwhile spend. It’s very controlling.

@cyclingmad I find 50 pairs of shoes an equally ridiculous waste of money, especially if they're hideously expensive. Of course people have a right to spend and enjoy their hard earned money but I wouldn't want to be in a long term relationship with someone who wastes gargantuan amounts of money on this sort of thing. I know we all have different priorities, I'd prefer a £5k holiday to £5k of jackets or shoes piling up in the spare room, or I'd save spare cash for improvements to my home, or other future property goals, or even an earlier retirement - and I'd rather be with someone who shares my priorities. I'd be having a serious chat about what our priorities are as a couple if my husband was throwing away cash like this.

By spending some of his money rather than saving it, isn’t he keeping people in employment?? The shop assistant from where he bought it, the delivery driver taking it to the store, the people who designed and made it, the people who made the fabric... 🤷‍♀️

You expect people not to buy anything nice because others can't afford it? That's insane. (and I say that as a single parent on minimum wage).

You aren't struggling in the slightest so he can spend his earned bonus on whatever he likes surely, but seeing there's still over 4K left after the purchase it's hardly a huge chunk of it anyway. Maybe suggest he donated some of the coats he doesn't wear to charity to free up space?

I think your focus should be on living in his home where he is the sole owner, not his wardrobe.

And there is no such thing as a pre-nup in the UK.

You can 'ring fence' (not the legal term) money put into a property as single people if you decide to sell as joint owners (so you each get back the equity you put in) but you can't have a pre-nup.

He sounds as if he is a compulsive shopper. No on neds 40 jackets unless they are a VIP doing lots of events and socialising with the great and the good. That's just ridiculous.

But it IS his money, you are not married, and what he spends it on is his choice.

Look at the bigger picture. If you are squabbling now over this, babies and marriage don't look a great idea from where I am.

So he is earning well and living mortgage/rent free while you work in a low paid job and pay half of all bills etc?
Why aren’t you looking at buying somewhere together? I wouldn’t have children with him until you have thrashed all this out. The jackets will be the least of your worries...

Reading your update that his parents bought him the house, he sounds spoilt! Doesn't know the value of money and needing to save.

In your shoes I'd be looking at the basic compatibility between you both and his lack of experience in managing money and its value.

In principal, I don't agree with parents handing over enough money to buy a house. It takes away all financial responsibility from the 'child' and they never appreciate the struggle to save and go without.

I think it's better to give them a loan with no interest, or a contribution to a house, where they still have some skin in the game with a smaller mortgage.

If you are not married and have separate finances, he does of course have the right to spend his money how he likes. However, if you are thinking about getting married and having children together, think carefully about whether this represents a fundamental difference in attitudes towards money and stuff. I find silly spendthrift behavior annoying, because of the money wasted (once you have kids he isn't going to be able to throw money about like that!) and because of space issues.

My husband has in the past been OTT with online shopping for clothes and shoes. It's not as bad as the OP's case and he is good with money other than that, but I did have to step in and have a word with him at one point. We have a not very large flat and our wardrobe was mostly crammed with his stupid clothes and boxes of unworn trainers, martial arts gear etc., leaving next to no space for my things. I asked him repeatedly to declutter and clear things out but it just didn't happen.

In the end, I had to spoonfeed him through the decluttering process (Literally sitting him down, and going "Do you want this? Do you want this? etc" and putting things in a declutter pile) and then put things into boxes and drag them down to the post office to send to the Salvation Army. As I pointed out to him, this is a big waste of my time and it's all for clothes that were simply not being worn, ever---half of them looked almost the same, frankly. He has improved a LOT since then.

If you are planning on making this a permanent relationship, think about whether this is his one spending vice or whether he is just a bit stupid with money generally (never ever enter a permanent relationship with someone who is basically rubbish with money as a general thing), and also talk with him about the financial and space issues this will create if you have kids together.

My husband is like this with outdoorsy fleece type 'technical' jackets (as he calls them ). It's just his thing. So long as he doesn't negatively impact your life/finances with it, just live and let live?

The money is less of an issue but forty jackets is excessive. Collectors can turn into hoarders and the change is so gradual that you don't notice until there is a serious problem.

As a wider point, however, if you feel irritated and resentful about this now it does not bode well for starting a family with him.

You are lucky not to be wasting several hundreds of pounds per month on rent, let him buy the jacket

I agree that it is money wasted - 40 jackets FFS! Where does he even keep them, never mind wear them?

It would have been nice if he'd bought something for you, or got a takeaway and a bottle of wine to celebrate.

It would have been even nicer if he'd donate money obviously doesn't need to a food bank - but it's his money, and I admit that if I had ever got a bonus, I'd probably have had a weekend away or something (pre-covid) and wouldn't have given a thought to others.

I would be the same as you - if (say) he'd come back with a motorbike, I would have thought "Oh bugger!" but wouldn't have been annoyed - but ANOTHER jacket when he doesn't wear the one he's got? I'd have been pee'd!

Is he opening a jacket museum or something?