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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants ME to apologise after destroying our house!

253 replies

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:30

My husband and I got into an argument on NYE. I won’t divulge on the details too much but in my view it was over something which shouldn’t have become such a big deal. The key is that he ended up breaking the glass on our windows and doors, causing massive damage. I feel that what I told him was such a small thing that it shouldn’t have caused such a reaction. Actually, nothing really should cause such a reaction. Now he is upset because I won’t apologise and he thinks I am being stubborn. For background, my husband has an alcohol problem and long history of damaging stuff in our house. I just feel I won’t apologise for something I have not done and am fed up with him always justifying his aggressive actions by blaming someone else for “pushing him” to do it. Have you had to deal with a situation like this? What would you do?

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 03/01/2021 23:18

Every woman who has left an abusive relationship has stayed put for longer than they should have thinking there was no way out. It's almost never the case. Do speak to Women's Aid. They have seen this a thousand times. They understand your exact situation. It's really hard and scary to think about leaving or getting rid of him but you will look back and realise it was without doubt the right thing to do.

Sweettea1 · 03/01/2021 23:19

Are you a drinker to? I don't agree with his behaviour one bit but if you needed to tell him something that's likely to cause an argument why wait until he had a drink? Either way its wrong what he has done an i wouldn't be sticking around to see what he does next get help/ support and leave him.

HappyDays10101 · 03/01/2021 23:19

Your children were pretending to be asleep. They know that if you knew they were awake, it would worry you, and they don’t want to add to your problems.

SE13Mummy · 03/01/2021 23:20

Refuge is one of the organisations that will be able to support you and has a 24 hour phone line.

If your children are school aged, email the headteacher ([email protected] will usually get through but there will be an email in the contact us section of the website) to let them know what has happened and the action you are planning to take. If you want to email the photos of the damage so you know someone else has seen them and they cannot be deleted by your partner. If your children are not yet old enough for school, contact your health visitor (number should be on their red books that vaccinations etc are recorded in).

Refuge's website has lots of practical information too e.g. about making copies of birth certificates (for you and your children), passports, tenancy/mortgage agreements. Do this by taking photos of them and emailing them to someone you trust. If you have evidence of your own qualifications etc. you should photograph those too. The advice about preparing a bag (and bags for children containing basics including nightwear, second favourite cuddly toy, school books depending on age) is useful too. If you have things like precious photographs in the house that can be removed without being obvious, take them to a friend whilst on your daily exercise. If you don't feel able to ask a friend/number of friends to look after things whilst you prepare to leave, look into renting a storage box/unit for a short time.

Littleposh · 03/01/2021 23:21

YABU because it's obvious that you should have left him long time ago.

mumofone2019 · 03/01/2021 23:21

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

Kendodd · 03/01/2021 23:22

I will gather my courage and talk to him soon

DO NOT TALK TO HIM FIRST.
Talk to Women's Aid or the police first, plan your move or how to get him out. If you speak to him first he will either talk you round and into feeling sorry for him or get angry and violent.

mineofuselessinformation · 03/01/2021 23:23

I* will do it tomorrow...
I will do it soon....*
No, do it now by calling the police and saying that there is someone who is in your home who is making you fear that they will be violent.
Take action and make him leave - and don't let him back in again unless escorted by the police.

Loodally · 03/01/2021 23:24

I've been where you are op.
I was with someone who would regularly smash my house and my belongings into smithereens.
I also blamed his drug/alcohol issues until I realised that the drugs/alcohol just gave him license and an excuse to do what he wanted to do anyway.
My whole perspective of reality was skewed due to his constant gaslighting.
I was desperate to get away but terrified of how I would cope. The sad thing was that I was already doing it all on my own anyway.
One day I bit the bullet and involved domestic violence services and the police.
That final step was the scariest step I've ever taken but, it's been the best thing I ever did.
We've been away from him for nearly 6 years now and we're thriving. He isn't allowed contact with me or our children and we can now live our lives.
You can do this too. It's scary but it's not as scary as living the rest of your life in your current situation.

*I hope all this makes sense, I've just finished off the Xmas Bailey's Smile

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 03/01/2021 23:24

Are you afraid of what he might do once you tell him it's over?

Tomorrow ring women's aid.
Ring the police,press charges for the damage and also tell them you are afraid for your and your kids safety.
Ring a lawyer and find out about your rights.

What you can't do is stay. One day it won't be the windows. It will be you,or worse one of the children.

Sertchgi123 · 03/01/2021 23:24

@Littleposh

YABU because it's obvious that you should have left him long time ago.
You clearly have no idea about the effects of domestic abuse. Don’t fucking well blame the victim.
Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:24

Fuck the courage. This is for your children. Get this abusive prick away from your children for fucks sake even if they didn't wake up during the smashing of windows and doors.. they saw the aftermath . Get him out now.

letsdolunch321 · 03/01/2021 23:24

@MonaRoza
The following day after the argument & smashing of glass etc did your DH recognise there had been an argument? What was his reaction?

Dddccc · 03/01/2021 23:25

Sorry is it a joint owned house as then the police will do jack poops as he broke his own property, however your children should not be in this environment you need to leave if he won't its not a safe environment for kids at all

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2021 23:25

I will gather my courage and talk to him soon

"DO NOT TALK TO HIM FIRST.
Talk to Women's Aid or the police first, plan your move or how to get him out. If you speak to him first he will either talk you round and into feeling sorry for him or get angry and violent."

Please listen to @Kendodd

There is nothing more to talk about. He needs to go.

Notimeforaname · 03/01/2021 23:26

There is nothing more to talk about. He needs to go

1000 times this.

Eckhart · 03/01/2021 23:26

@MonaRoza

I just want to tell him to leave...I just don’t know ho. I will gather my courage and talk to him soon
Contact Women's Aid. They've met thousands like you before. To them, in the nicest possible way, you will be nothing special. Let them guide you. You are in exactly the position they exist to support.

You need to get the hell away from him, and you need to do it right because he is a risk to your safety. Get support. And keep posting on here if it helps you. There's lots of advice to be had from people who've been through similar. You're not alone.

Jeremyironseverything · 03/01/2021 23:27

Get advice from women’s aid first

SisterlyCare · 03/01/2021 23:30

Does he have family around ? Do they know or his behaviour ?! Can he go stay with them
For a while ?

GabsAlot · 03/01/2021 23:32

theres nothing to say and your kids did hear- you cant deny that he smashed windows thats loud

NiceandCalm · 03/01/2021 23:34

You don't need to talk to him, that time has long gone. He's not going to change. If he blew up the other day, I can only imagine how he'd react if you tell him you want him to leave!!
Please don't do this on your own.
Call the Police and report the incident, he'll be taken away and charged and they'd be a domestic restraining order, which gives you time to sort yourself out, get proper advice etc.

Lalliella · 03/01/2021 23:34

You need to get your kids out of this situation. You can still involve the police, and you should do that immediately.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/01/2021 23:34

Yes I have. FFS dont do this on your own.

Call the police, show them what he did and agree to his arrest.

Give a full statement and accept that SS will get involved as the kids were in the house when it happened....this is a good thing. You will not be allowed to take him back otherwise your kids will be on a child protection order. It helped me no end to realise what mattered and where to say no. I also knew I had back up.

Thedogscollar · 03/01/2021 23:36

I would have left there and then. I'd now be filing for divorce. He sounds like a lost cause with no excuse for his appalling behaviour.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 03/01/2021 23:37

I think you have been acclimatised to living like this, it is so shocking to read, you have to just get out of there.
I think you've lost your perspective over time as to how dysfunctional his behavior is.
I hope you can get out but I don't think talking to him will do any good,

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