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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband wants ME to apologise after destroying our house!

253 replies

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:30

My husband and I got into an argument on NYE. I won’t divulge on the details too much but in my view it was over something which shouldn’t have become such a big deal. The key is that he ended up breaking the glass on our windows and doors, causing massive damage. I feel that what I told him was such a small thing that it shouldn’t have caused such a reaction. Actually, nothing really should cause such a reaction. Now he is upset because I won’t apologise and he thinks I am being stubborn. For background, my husband has an alcohol problem and long history of damaging stuff in our house. I just feel I won’t apologise for something I have not done and am fed up with him always justifying his aggressive actions by blaming someone else for “pushing him” to do it. Have you had to deal with a situation like this? What would you do?

OP posts:
justasking111 · 03/01/2021 23:03

Womens aid, plus you have to contact the police, if someone else does a neighbour, friend, it will look so bad, you may be considered to not be protecting your children. How would you feel if social services considered that?

TatianaBis · 03/01/2021 23:04

@freeingNora

NCDV can get you a restraining order non molestation and an occupation order while you organise yourself

It's a mistake to not call the police the court will see you as agreeing with what he is doing and it will certainly go against you when it goes to child arrangements

You need to be very clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it social services are very likely to say that you have no
Protective factors for the children as you've remained in the relationship.

Please get help or the reality is that this could cost you your children. Have a look at the court said. Womens aid can help

Yep. You need a recent use or threat of violence within the last 10 days.

So it’s vital you report to the police ASAP. Then you can get an emergency injunction from NCDV.

0800 970 2070

justasking111 · 03/01/2021 23:04

@MonaRoza

Thank you all. I will call WomensAid tomorrow and start preparing for a life without all this
So glad with his behaviour it is him who will be banned you and the children will not have to leave immediately.
diamondpony80 · 03/01/2021 23:05

Leave. He’s dangerous and manipulative. I’d have reported him to the police when it happened and got him arrested.

TatianaBis · 03/01/2021 23:05

You’ve got until the 10th Jan to contact police and NCDV for injunction.

Don’t leave it.

Chanandlerbong01 · 03/01/2021 23:06

I grew up in a similar environment and as an adult have ended up in the same. I’m pretty much stuck here as I have nowhere to go. I can’t go back to my parents because I can’t bare being back in that room I spent years terrified in. Everyday your children are in that environment they learn to accept it.

BumbleFlump · 03/01/2021 23:06

Errrm, leave him. I’m surprised you even need to ask Flowers

Daniah2911 · 03/01/2021 23:07

Report to police. He will be removed from house and you can apply for a domestic violence restraining order. Children were in the house at the time- this is a big factor. You will be protected. I have been there myself.

MyOwnSummer · 03/01/2021 23:07

Please call the police tomorrow. You say he refuses to go? With evidence like that, there's a very good chance they would support you to get the relevant legal orders to force him out.

StrawBeretMoose · 03/01/2021 23:08

@MonaRoza

Thank you all. I will call WomensAid tomorrow and start preparing for a life without all this
Please do, for you and your children. Nobody deserves to put up with this. Also contact the police.
Namechange1223 · 03/01/2021 23:08

This is uncanny

I’m in your position today. My lovely husband has a problem with alcohol and had a drink yesterday. He didn’t stop drinking so I took my DS and left early this morning.

He smashed up my house this evening. I’d gone down to pick up clothes for my DS (were staying with my sister). He didn’t like that I was doing that so tried to drag me back into the house with the hair. I managed to get out and locked the door, so he tried to smash it. He shattered one of the layers of double glazing.

The full layer smashed when the police rammed the door down to get him. He’s currently lying in a police cell on suicide watch.

Fuck that shit. Neither of us deserve it. I’m now sitting in my sisters more relaxed than I’ve been in months. I feel 16 stone lighter.

Get out OP. It won’t get any better.

caringcarer · 03/01/2021 23:08

Only a matter of time before he smashes you up. Seriously it is not ok for a grown man to smash up your home, and then to expect you to apologise. He must have severe mental health issues. I would be leaving him. If you have children I would be calling police and have a restraint order placed on him not being allowed anywhere near to house and filing for divorce.

saraclara · 03/01/2021 23:08

@MonaRoza

Thank you all for responding. I thought about leaving so many times but financial considerations and a hope that he will get better have kept me with him. I do have children with him, thankfully they were asleep when it all happened. I wouldn’t know where to start if I wanted to separate. I would want him pack and go rather than making the kids leave their home. But he is stubbornly staying put
No way did your kids sleep through that. But they'd have been so frightened that they'd have pretended to.

For goodness' sake, get out with them. Or sling him out.

WeAreShiningStars · 03/01/2021 23:09

Agree with others: police, restraining order, divorce solicitor.

Groovinpeanut · 03/01/2021 23:09

OP you seem to be just breezing over all this... Are you seriously saying your drunken bully of a husband smashed doors and windows and your children slept through the whole thing? Seriously?
You must have neighbours? They know you have kids, they obviously see and hear you row and such quite often?
It's only a matter of time before someone contacts the police, and social services. They will want to know what you're doing to protect and keep your children safe. How old are your children?
Staying in the environment you're in you are allowing him to behave badly and risk no consequence.
You can't keep casually drifting by hoping he'll get better... He won't!

Bl3ss3dm0m · 03/01/2021 23:09

How can the children not know about this unless they are very young twins? Even if they had managed to sleep through smashing glass (which is very loud), they must have seen that the doors and windows no longer had glass in them, even if you had managed to sweep up all the broken glass. Do you not have any neighbours, if I had heard windows being smashed, as a neighbour, I would have been calling the police myself!

YoniAndGuy · 03/01/2021 23:09

Call the police, show the photos, and tell them you want him removed due to domestic violence. That you are frightened for your safety and that of your children. Call Women's Aid, they will help you.

He CAN be removed and made to stay away while you sort out separation. You could press charges, you could get a non-molestation order.

Redsquirrel5 · 03/01/2021 23:09

There are Women’s Refuges everywhere. Just because you haven’t been aware of them doesn’t mean they are not there. There is help please find out what your options are. I don’t want to scare you but my sister’s best friend didn’t leave and the violence turn on her. Those children grew up without a mother and a father in prison.
How would you feel if it was one of your children? Please at the very least ring and find out then if you are in that situation you know who to contact and where you can go. Make a plan. A bag with immediate clothes, taxi fare or spare car keys, purse. Have you got a friend you can trust. You could keep them there?
It will impact on the children. I have worked with some who were badly affected. Breaking windows and doors is very violent. Please ask someone for help.

Sertchgi123 · 03/01/2021 23:10

@BumbleFlump

Errrm, leave him. I’m surprised you even need to ask Flowers
She’s the victim here, don’t lose sight of that.
Lucieintheskye · 03/01/2021 23:10

Police. Solicitor. Estate Agent.

Don't pass this off as a one off, OP. He can and will do this again, and next time he could do worse. You deserve better and can get it.

Flowers
Thismummyruns · 03/01/2021 23:11

My father was an alcoholic.
I heard and saw more than my mother knows.

Some things, even from such a young age, you'll always remember.

Original poster
MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 23:13

@Namechange1223

This is uncanny

I’m in your position today. My lovely husband has a problem with alcohol and had a drink yesterday. He didn’t stop drinking so I took my DS and left early this morning.

He smashed up my house this evening. I’d gone down to pick up clothes for my DS (were staying with my sister). He didn’t like that I was doing that so tried to drag me back into the house with the hair. I managed to get out and locked the door, so he tried to smash it. He shattered one of the layers of double glazing.

The full layer smashed when the police rammed the door down to get him. He’s currently lying in a police cell on suicide watch.

Fuck that shit. Neither of us deserve it. I’m now sitting in my sisters more relaxed than I’ve been in months. I feel 16 stone lighter.

Get out OP. It won’t get any better.

I am so sorry you are also having to go through this
OP posts:
Original poster
MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 23:17

I just want to tell him to leave...I just don’t know ho. I will gather my courage and talk to him soon

OP posts:
Namechange1223 · 03/01/2021 23:17

@MonaRoza unmumsnetty hugs in solidarity

Aquamarine1029 · 03/01/2021 23:18

Why are you allowing your children to live in this hellscape? They know everything that's going on and they are undoubtedly terrified.

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