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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband wants ME to apologise after destroying our house!

253 replies

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:30

My husband and I got into an argument on NYE. I won’t divulge on the details too much but in my view it was over something which shouldn’t have become such a big deal. The key is that he ended up breaking the glass on our windows and doors, causing massive damage. I feel that what I told him was such a small thing that it shouldn’t have caused such a reaction. Actually, nothing really should cause such a reaction. Now he is upset because I won’t apologise and he thinks I am being stubborn. For background, my husband has an alcohol problem and long history of damaging stuff in our house. I just feel I won’t apologise for something I have not done and am fed up with him always justifying his aggressive actions by blaming someone else for “pushing him” to do it. Have you had to deal with a situation like this? What would you do?

OP posts:
RainingBatsAndFrogs · 03/01/2021 22:54

I would show the pictures to the police and see if I could get a restraining order against him, to keep him out of the house.

GarlicSoup · 03/01/2021 22:54

@Ohalrightthen

I'd call the police, leave and file for divorce.
This
Gonkytonk · 03/01/2021 22:55

@Ohalrightthen

I'd call the police, leave and file for divorce.
This ☝️☝️☝️
NiceGerbil · 03/01/2021 22:55

Bloody hell was it good double glazing? That must have taken some doing. Of course the kids will have heard.

Did you manage to get them fixed/ are you freezing/ is the house secure?

Agree with others you need to get rid. That sounds terrifying. And the fact that he's not repentant when sober is really extreme.

Good luck.

BrokenCrown · 03/01/2021 22:56

What the actual fuck?! Pardon my language but fuck the apology from you - literally run and never look back. I'm horrified you've had to experience this...

On a slightly calmer note...What would I do?
Call the police
Pack a bag
Grab the kids and run

My mum had an abusive ex, and despite being an adult myself at the time he still terrified and scarred me.

My dad was verbally abusive growing up - it was horrendous
The kids will be aware no matter what you think

Get out now, please

category12 · 03/01/2021 22:56

Instead of arguing about who should apologise, you should split up and stop living like this.

OzziePopPop · 03/01/2021 22:57

Are you renting or do you own? If rented private or council I’d be seriously worried!

Kendodd · 03/01/2021 22:57

Yes I took photos of of the damage. What would you do with them?

Call the police, call them now, they're open 24 hours. 101
www.police.uk/pu/contact-the-police/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

TatianaBis · 03/01/2021 22:57

You show the pics to the police when you call them,.

The children weren’t asleep, the noise would have woken them up. And every other time he’s smashed the house up. Even if they did manage to stay asleep they awoke to broken windows.

Do what you can to save their childhood. Call the police and get the ball rolling on getting away from him.

HappyRaven · 03/01/2021 22:57

My mum used to think I was asleep.

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:58

I am trying to get the windows fixed as soon as possible. I have called a few places so hoping it will be done soon.

OP posts:
MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 22:58

I am so annoyed at myself for not finding the courage to put a stop to this...even now...not being able to go and just say “this is it”

OP posts:
freeingNora · 03/01/2021 22:59

NCDV can get you a restraining order non molestation and an occupation order while you organise yourself

It's a mistake to not call the police the court will see you as agreeing with what he is doing and it will certainly go against you when it goes to child arrangements

You need to be very clear that his behaviour is unacceptable and you won't tolerate it social services are very likely to say that you have no
Protective factors for the children as you've remained in the relationship.

Please get help or the reality is that this could cost you your children. Have a look at the court said. Womens aid can help

Barton10 · 03/01/2021 22:59

You should have rung the police and had him arrested this will get worse and your children know more than you think.

Livelovebehappy · 03/01/2021 23:00

The relationship sounds toxic. Sounds like it’s time to go your separate ways.

NiceTwin · 03/01/2021 23:00

Leave.
Not much else can be said really.

Does he hit you yet, or is he still on inanimate objects?

Mrgrinch · 03/01/2021 23:00

Please get your children out of that house ASAP.

You can choose whether to stay or go and you may well want to stay with this abusive and dangerous man, but your children don't get that choice and by staying with him you are putting them in harm's way.

Godimabitch · 03/01/2021 23:00

I would leave my husband if he got so angry he broke our windows and doors.

EBearhug · 03/01/2021 23:00

You can speak to someone at Women's Aid. That will give you an idea of what your options actually are, which means you can make an informed decision, not one based only on fear of the future. You can also start looking at finances and paperwork, which again, will put you in a stronger position about how you will be when the relationship breaks up.

You can do it. It will be scary, but you will end up better off.

nimbuscloud · 03/01/2021 23:01

It’s a pity none of your neighbours called the police

TatianaBis · 03/01/2021 23:01

@MonaRoza

I am so annoyed at myself for not finding the courage to put a stop to this...even now...not being able to go and just say “this is it”
It’s because he’s intentionally scary. The smashing was to intimidate you. You don’t have to do it on your own though.
Omeara · 03/01/2021 23:01

You need to protect your children. You must realise how damaging this will be? I understand how scary it must feel, but you have to put a stop to it.

Dullardmullard · 03/01/2021 23:02

There is a place to go it’s called a refuge and it can be your life line. Yes they’ll be other women there but it’s better than what he’s doing to you and the kids and don’t think they don’t know what happening kids are not daft.

Fleetheart · 03/01/2021 23:03

I have been in this situation. My ex always wanted me to apologise too. It’s crazy isn’t it. They did it; they are responsible; it is not your fault. A disagreement does not have to go this way. Time to make a plan to leave I think

MonaRoza · 03/01/2021 23:03

Thank you all. I will call WomensAid tomorrow and start preparing for a life without all this

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