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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty over support bubble

207 replies

dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:21

Elderly aunt requested we form a support bubble today. We have been taking her shopping twice a week dropping prescription etc but only at the door no real
Contact.
No other family nearby she is cv and has a lot of hospital appt as previously had cancer
I feel awful as she asked to form a bubble and I had to say no 😞 she said she can’t get public transport as too worried now but needs to go to appts but I don’t want to drive as i have a baby who would need to be in the car too.
I feel guilty but I have to put my child first bit I felt mean saying no

OP posts:
MacTheFork · 04/01/2021 15:07

@rookgizzardpie You are CEV so that’s why you are not helping anyone. Fine, but the OP

  1. has a three month old baby
  2. is already doing a lot to support her aunt

Get off your high horse and stop being so judgmental. Btw many areas are looking for volunteers to give phone support to isolated people during the epidemic so being CEV doesn’t preclude you from helping others. Or I don’t know, you could just try and be kind and supportive to people who are struggling with competing demands during an awful time for all of us. Just a thought.

Whatwouldscullydo · 04/01/2021 15:08

It's not 5 days but about 2 and liny to be less as little physio pasts are taking place

Did you miss the part where op drops off her shopping ajd takes her shopping again mid week. So thats 2 more trips. And then there's the medication.

Whatwouldscullydo · 04/01/2021 15:14

Medication isn't always instant either sometimes you have to wait a couple of days , sometimes you have ti try a few places if they don't have it, sometimes you cant pick up until a certain time.

Its not always a case of combining with a trip. Drs require 48 hours notice online too so you cant garuntee it will be through when you go out etc

rookgizzardpie · 04/01/2021 15:59

[quote MacTheFork]@rookgizzardpie You are CEV so that’s why you are not helping anyone. Fine, but the OP

  1. has a three month old baby
  2. is already doing a lot to support her aunt

Get off your high horse and stop being so judgmental. Btw many areas are looking for volunteers to give phone support to isolated people during the epidemic so being CEV doesn’t preclude you from helping others. Or I don’t know, you could just try and be kind and supportive to people who are struggling with competing demands during an awful time for all of us. Just a thought.[/quote]
How do you know what volunteering I’m doing from home while isolating? Confused. More than you I assume, since this thread seems to have touched a nerve

randomsabreuse · 04/01/2021 16:04

When DC1 was 3 months I was lucky to get out the house for baby groups, because it was a complete nightmare timing feeds and then nappy changes to get out. Getting somewhere on time for an actual appointment meant leaving really really early, stopping on route to feed/change then arriving early, hanging around in a cafe until it was actually time.

Where is OP supposed to sit with baby during the appointment? Park bench or car.

Where to change - boot. Possible but cold. Other ideas - she won't be allowed "in" the hospital with aunt, with or without baby...

I'd not have been able to commit to this with a 3mo, doing a 5 minute school run on time with DC2 was tough enough, even then we had 💩💩 explosions at disastrous times...

I'm ignoring the Covid side of things other than the practical side of stuff being shut because it's largely irrelevant. A 3 mo baby is basically a full time job!

MacTheFork · 04/01/2021 16:21

@rookgizzardpie I asked you what help you were giving to neighbours or family outside of your household and you said none.

Yes, this thread has touched a nerve, I remember having a three month old first baby. And I know the pandemic is horrible for everyone and think people should try to be understanding and kind to each other.

I’m not doing any volunteering. I’m finding doing my job, trying to keep my sanity and supporting my immediate family quite enough for me to cope with. That said, it is nothing like as hard (though wonderful too) as I found life when my children were tiny.

MacTheFork · 04/01/2021 16:23

But good on you if you are volunteering (sincerely).

Tiktaktoe · 04/01/2021 16:25

@mumof2exhausted maybe read the thread! The aunt isn't going through treatment at the moment. She had cancer in the past.
Did you also miss where the OP shops for the aunt and rings her everyday?
Jesus Christ. Give the woman a break, she is already doing more than a lot people with a tiny baby.

Lostinthemail · 04/01/2021 16:57

Please please please don’t listen to judgemental people who have some warped vision of the universe, as if you will be alone if you need any help in the future because you didn’t accommodate all of your aunts wants. Surely your aunt can hire other people to do these jobs. Let her do her grocery shopping online, get her medicine delivered and grab a taxi if she needs to go somewhere.

You can then focus on your baby and stop by one or two times a week for a cup of tea and some quality time. Be your aunts niece, not her personal assistant.

CurbsideProphet · 04/01/2021 17:59

60 % of covid patients at our nearest hospital actually contracted covid from hospital (real figures, DH is NHS). So the risks are real.

There are far better people than me on this thread. You would all drive your aunt to 2 hospital appointments per week, with a screaming 12 week old baby in tow, and spend hours sat in the car park with no access to a toilet (as obviously you can't wander around hospitals willy nilly now). On top of delivering online shopping once a week, doing another shop for her once a week, plus collecting / delivering regular prescriptions, and ringing to chat.

Well, we can't all be as perfect as the posters on this thread.

Bananahana · 04/01/2021 21:14

In many years time, when you tell your daughter stories about the pandemic she was born into, don’t you want to tell her how you helped people?

She’s not at risky this elderly lady, be kind, if it’s within your gift.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/01/2021 21:15

What are people saying she is not a risk?

ineedaholidaynow · 04/01/2021 21:16

@Bananahana she is already helping her aunt so she will be able to tell her daughter that!

Potterurotter · 04/01/2021 21:32

For me it’s a case of ‘would I be able to do this with a full time job?’ No so therefore why should OP as a new mother that is a full time job, more hours actually.

Iloveanimals1 · 04/01/2021 23:59

I think you need to be kind to yourself OP, you’ve had a very hard time on here.
It sounds as though you’d find doing the hospital appointments tricky right now with your young baby and you’re concerned about the risk of Covid too from the hospital appointments and being in the car with her afterwards which is a very valid worry. There will be a way she can get to hospital, volunteer drivers, community transport, hospital transport, etc. The hospital or the GP will be able to help with who to contact. You’ve got a lot on your plate already and you’re helping her massively already by shopping and collecting prescriptions and offering to organise and help her find transport too. Look after yourself. Your needs and concerns are very valid.
Oh and congratulations on your baby!

To the other posters who have given you a hard time - the OP has concerns about Covid that are very valid and if she feels she can’t manage a very young baby and doing lifts then that is up to her. She’s not abandoning her aunt, far from it. How about considering the OP’s mental health here and offering some support rather than bashing her and probably adding to the guilt of not being everything to everyone?

Iloveanimals1 · 05/01/2021 00:06

And for those saying the aunt who is meeting various people at appointments is not a Covid risk, please think about this. Shared air space indoors with several different people over a couple of weeks; that is definitely a Covid risk. With so many people saying the aunt is not a Covid risk it is no surprise this country is in the mess it is in. Think about what we scientifically know about the virus and its spread.
And I say this, not as someone who is paranoid and is scared, but someone who looks at the evidence and what we know scientifically so far.

Bonnieonthelam · 05/01/2021 00:14

Gosh what an unfeeling bunch you are. Prioritising a relative over your child (whatever your reasoning) is not selfish. A crying baby in a car seat whilst driving and waiting around hospitals is stressful. Try and help her find an alternative but don’t get guilted into it.

CuntYoureFired · 05/01/2021 01:50

When my youngest was a baby I was so fucking permanently tired that I fell asleep while driving and crashed my car on the freeway with both children in it.

But yeah OP, just stop being so cruel and selfish and drive someone else around multiple times a week. Hmm

Do none of you remember having a 12 week old baby?! I feel tired just thinking about it.

SD1978 · 05/01/2021 02:27

Ultimately your choice- but as this was in AIBU- yup, I feel you are. She has no one else and doesn't want to risk public transport. You don't want to do it. That's your decision.

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 05/01/2021 06:20

Do none of you remember having a 12 week old baby?! I feel tired just thinking about it.

Yes. And it was an absolute holiday compared to juggling a nocturnal still breastfed toddler, an in insomniac 3 year old and juggling work. I got far more sleep in those days.

Crayfishforyou · 05/01/2021 06:36

What @randomsabreuse said.
I remember thinking in the morning ‘I will go to the shop and buy a magazine today’. Then feeding, pooping, feeding, sicking, major pooling happened and it would be after 3 in the afternoon until we walked out the door.
I was so tired I wasn’t safe to drive either.
And driving with a screaming baby is pure torture.

Yanbu OP.
It’s sad but it really isn’t practical to help. Sitting in the car for an hour between trips whilst you wait for your aunt would be a nightmare too.
I think people shouldn’t be flaming you for this. 3 month old babies are unbelievably hard work on their own, that’s why people take maternity leave.

ShirleyPhallus · 05/01/2021 07:03

I cannot believe the responses on here. A 3 month baby and OP is also expected to be a taxi service, personal shopper and pick up prescriptions? Absolutely not

joystir59 · 05/01/2021 07:10

She must be really lonely. Why don't you form a support bubble with her whereby you go in and have coffee and a chat after taking her shopping,Bor invite her for a meal once a week at your house? She can take taxis to her appts.

KatieB55 · 05/01/2021 07:24

Lots of people are volunteering to help in cases like this. You can still support with shopping etc but get volunteer help for appointments. Surgery or local council will point you in right direction.

lemonsquashie · 05/01/2021 08:41

It's a strange time to have a newborn. You haven't been able to do the normal things new
Mums do: baby classes, coffee meet ups, visiting friends etc. I expect that is why you Feel anxious about getting out the house with a three month old, breastfeeding in public etc

It gets easier the more you do it.

I felt tired when I had a newborn too. I also felt nervous about breastfeeding but I pushed myself to get out there and make the most of the time I had off work with baby.

I suspect aunts request is driven by loneliness rather than actual need for help. Are all the appointments 100% necessary or is it her way of keeping herself active and busy. Has she been getting the bus previously? Maybe she thinks to herself, well I have a local niece with a car and nothing much to do all day, why don't I ask her for help?

She will be getting the vaccine soon surely.