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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty over support bubble

207 replies

dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:21

Elderly aunt requested we form a support bubble today. We have been taking her shopping twice a week dropping prescription etc but only at the door no real
Contact.
No other family nearby she is cv and has a lot of hospital appt as previously had cancer
I feel awful as she asked to form a bubble and I had to say no 😞 she said she can’t get public transport as too worried now but needs to go to appts but I don’t want to drive as i have a baby who would need to be in the car too.
I feel guilty but I have to put my child first bit I felt mean saying no

OP posts:
Emerald99 · 04/01/2021 00:35

That's a lot to ask of you with such a young baby, think people forget how much care and attention a 3 month old newborn needs. Does she not have any friends that could help?

LuckyC27 · 04/01/2021 00:36

Totally understand you on this, I have the hang of breastfeeding but because of COVID wouldn’t know where to start feeding in public. Being a new mum in this pandemic is a lot harder than some people appreciate. You sound like you are helping your aunt as much as possible, if she cannot bubble with anyone else maybe offer to bubble but ask her gp for further help with appointments etc.

Nettleskeins · 04/01/2021 00:40

Volunteers. Your council should have a link.
I couldn't have managed this with a baby and I couldn't drive then anyway.
You are already doing a lot.
With the baby in tow you aren't going to be much help at appointments waiting etc anyway.

Nettleskeins · 04/01/2021 00:42

At 3 months I was really really struggling with life with a new baby, and only just getting the hang of it, and that was without a pandemic.

Nettleskeins · 04/01/2021 00:51

The people who seem fine with doing hospital appointments are probably people who had other familymembers supporting THEM. YANBU.

happystone · 04/01/2021 01:01

Opp don’t feel bad. Flowers

Flapjak · 04/01/2021 01:08

Dont worry OP, you are not being mean, committing to anyhing when you are in early days of babyhood can be a nightmare. Totally understand your worries about Covid and baby. If you Aunt can afford it, may be easier to take taxis and as long as she is is only going for check ups and there are no bad news appointments then no reason she cant go on her own or if needed patient transport if she is eligble for that

Trollsinthedungeon · 04/01/2021 05:24

Probably the same kind of person who is adamant that no one be involved with their baby when they're small and then is confused why no one will 'help out' when they have a toddler and want a break..

Holly60 · 04/01/2021 07:23

I don’t really understand why everyone is being quite so unkind to you. Your first responsibility has to be to your baby and you are doing the right thing by putting her first. She is only 3 months old and most mummies at this point are encouraged just to focus on getting to know their new baby and learning how to be a mummy. As others have said, perhaps help her to find support through the gp etc. But you don’t need to feel bad

MummytoCSJH · 04/01/2021 07:39

Jesus some people are being dicks here and it's certainly not you OP! You are already doing so much for your Aunt. When my son was 3 months I could barely get to our own appointments without a struggle, frankly with a baby and the car screaming and covid even if it was flat out that you didn't want to help you still wouldn't be in the wrong.

OverTheRainbow88 · 04/01/2021 07:47

Let’s be clear, someone going into hospital 2
Times a week is a risk; it’s well known that covid is spreading in hospitals. So saying the aunt in no risk to OP isn’t true.

It’s a tricky situation; and I understand your response.

Tryingtoreadmore · 04/01/2021 07:56

Explain to her nicely that you can't manage that much commitment with a small baby, that's fair enough.

However in your position I would try to help her find alternatives. Do a bit of investigation and see if she is entitled to patient transport, if there are voluntary driver schemes running just now, if she could claim travel allowance back and use taxi's, or if she could have video call/phone appointments.

Roselilly36 · 04/01/2021 08:07

You are doing your best to help your Aunt & keep your baby safe. I don’t think you deserve the nasty comments people are making our here. Your baby is your priority. And I totally understand how difficult life can be with a young baby.

Could your Aunts prescriptions be delivered by the chemist? That would help. You are doing her shopping, so that’s a huge help. Does your Aunt have any adult children or partner or friend to help.

I have a chronic illness & ECV I don’t have anywhere near the number of appointments your Aunt has, I am genuinely surprised she has so many, are they all entirely necessary?

SummerBaby2020 · 04/01/2021 08:16

What horrible responses you have had op! Those of you that’s been to harsh do you not remember what it’s like to be a FTM to a 3mo or were you one of those magical people who had it together by the time your child was 3 weeks old? Or do you even have kids? I’ve seen this line put out a few times on here you don’t need to set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm you do what’s best for you and your baby you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone, let alone a bunch of people who have no idea what it’s like to give birth in a bloody pandemic, have virtually no support yourself but you are expected to support others! Just get through your days best you can just now. Mine was a screamer in the car too she’s 6mo now and she’s getting much better. But also have to point out about people saying the longer you don’t have the child in the car the longer it will take to get better, not exactly a time where we can go driving here there and everywhere is it? Don’t feel bad op and congratulations Flowers

MacTheFork · 04/01/2021 08:36

OKRGrnYNVB8s65j5A0sDb86wnp3gSWw1EqsxoCk0kQAvD

MacTheFork · 04/01/2021 08:38

Try again 😬

Boots online pharmacy link

Brilliant service, deliver to your door by Royal Mail.

Godimabitch · 04/01/2021 08:51

It's a really tough one. Your poor aunt really does need help but I do think it's so much to ask of a new mum for 2 weekly shops and 2 weekly lifts to hospital for appointments with a young baby in tow. Depending on how far away it is, your baby shouldn't even be in a car seat for long. I think once a week is a reasonable request but no more than that.

Liverbird77 · 04/01/2021 09:03

I have a baby and a toddler and I would have not hesitation in forming a bubble under these circumstances.
The risks are very low.
Are you sure it's not just because you don't want to take her? I mean that is a valid response, although not what I would choose.

lemmein · 04/01/2021 09:20

I'm not particularly anxious about covid, but in these circumstances, I'd not be overly keen to transport someone to and from hospital. LOTS of people have caught covid from hospital - OPs baby may not be particularly high risk, but if the OP gets it who is going to take care of her baby while she's ill?

I think you're doing the right thing OP - it's shit, i can understand why you're feeling so guilty, but you have to keep yourself safe. Plus, there are other options that don't involve putting yourself, your baby and your aunt through a torturous car journey twice a week!

Congrats on your baby Thanks

Whatwouldscullydo · 04/01/2021 10:19

Are you sure it's not just because you don't want to take her? I mean that is a valid response, although not what I would choose

I dont believe people would actually give up what would now amount to up to 4, maybe more depending on what happens with their prescriptions ,days a week sorting out family members who weren't their children.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/01/2021 10:24

Can someone explain to me what you mean are the risks are very low, do you mean the risk of catching COVID or the risk of being very ill?

LouHotel · 04/01/2021 10:37

OP your only YABU is thinking your choice would be affirmed on this forum. You have a very little baby and it's ok not to be a saint at certain points in your life.

Does she not have children?

maryberryslayers · 04/01/2021 10:54

Not sure why people think OP is BU. She has a 12 week old baby who needs to sleep and eat. Spending 2+ hours travelling and waiting around in a car park at fixed times, twice per week, for a relative to attend an appointment is not appropriate.
Babies, poo, cry, vomit, need sleep when ever they feel like it, it's not easy to get out on time. I was late or had to cancel many things in the early days.
The OP is doing enough for her aunt, without being made to feel guilty for putting her own child first.
Hospitals are sadly very risky at the moment, many patients take unnecessary risks and are 'mask exempt' so come in to waiting rooms and wards and spread covid. I attended an appointment every 2 weeks and have had experience of people coughing with no mask and nothing being done at all. Lots of people I know have caught it in the hospital.

There are other transport options such as hospital transport, community transport and taxis.

Nonamesavail · 04/01/2021 10:55

The fact you feel guilty kind of answers this.

Ideasplease322 · 04/01/2021 11:03

This is a really tough one, must have been so hard for her to ask and then to hear a no.

Being alone at the moment is awful. Could you not form a support bubble without the lifts? Loneliness is a real problem - and your aunt seems to be going through a lot.

I understand not wanting to drive long distances with a baby, but could you have a chat with her and see what else you can do? I know you are already doing a lot and I am sure she appreciates it.

Hopefully she gets the vaccine soon.

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