Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty over support bubble

207 replies

dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:21

Elderly aunt requested we form a support bubble today. We have been taking her shopping twice a week dropping prescription etc but only at the door no real
Contact.
No other family nearby she is cv and has a lot of hospital appt as previously had cancer
I feel awful as she asked to form a bubble and I had to say no 😞 she said she can’t get public transport as too worried now but needs to go to appts but I don’t want to drive as i have a baby who would need to be in the car too.
I feel guilty but I have to put my child first bit I felt mean saying no

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 03/01/2021 22:36

That's sad for her if she has no one else to ask.

CoffeeRunner · 03/01/2021 22:37

Your reason is that you don’t want to. Which is fine, but at least be honest about that.

You are far more risk to her than she is to you.

Branleuse · 03/01/2021 22:38

I think its better that you say no rather than feel resentful of the extra pressure and it does sound like youre already helping her a lot. Maybe have a chat with her next time and explain how youre already feeling anxious with the baby and you want to continue doing the shopping trips and enjoy the doorstep chats, but you dont feel you can do the appointments too or have such close contact with the hospital until the vaccine is available

duckme · 03/01/2021 22:38

Can't you form a support bubble whereby you go and see her for a chat and a cup of tea a couple of times a week and then help her to find a taxi or some other way to getting to her appointments. I agree that it would be stressful spending a lot of time in a car with a young baby who hates it. But being a support bubble is so much more than transport.

PoppiesinOctober · 03/01/2021 22:39

You should feel mean

EncoreExaxt4 · 03/01/2021 22:39

If it is a repeat prescription, you can complete a form at local pharmacy & they deliver for free. Some supermarket
pharmacy's also offer this service
Phone or internet to re order each time

Some hospitals offer free transport via a bus service, but has to be pre arranged

Or go via bus or taxi

What would she do if you didn't live locally ?

MacTheFork · 03/01/2021 22:40

OP ignore all the people trying to make you feel bad. I’d hazard a guess most are not driving elderly aunts to twice weekly appointments.

Your county council or district council if you have them will have information about local volunteer support/car schemes etc.

babysnowman · 03/01/2021 22:40

I think there are some really harsh responses here. Obviously your aunt is in a really difficult situation and the natural response would be of course you should agree. However you have a 3 month old baby so I can understand how this would be a lot for you to take on.

UsernameSaved · 03/01/2021 22:43

@dirtybubble

She’s doesn’t have active cancer just has a lot of appts. Check ups, scans and physio I think. I do feel bad
She wouldn't have 2 appointments a week if she didnt have active cancer?

More like 2 every 3 months.

Winegumaddict · 03/01/2021 22:43

Gosh how horrible of you. Your poor Aunt reached out and asked for help and you said no because you don't want to. It's hard when babies cry in their car seats but it isn't actually hurting them. I couldn't say no to someone in need especially in these times when an alternative might not be there. I'm sorry but I hope you do feel bad.

AtLeastPretendToCare · 03/01/2021 22:43

Well there are two points

  • forming a support bubble, doing bits fo r her, having her over for tea etc.
  • taking responsibility for driving her to and from the hospital twice a week.

Those are two quite different asks

Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:44

I couldn’t do all of them but I could arrange and pay for some of her taxis maybe I’m not heartless and I do feel so mean but they aren’t quick journeys and i fee panicked at the very thought of the baby screaming and needing feeding and having to wear a mask and my glasses steam up which makes me even more anxious driving but she wouldn’t want the windows open as gets so cold plus the baby would get cold it just really stresses me to even think

OP posts:
ElfridaEtAl · 03/01/2021 22:45

The utter nastiness on this thread.

Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:45

It’s not all cancer related some are for other problems she has a lot of appts alway has I think some are private as well for various therapies

OP posts:
MrsDeadlock · 03/01/2021 22:46

I think you are getting a lot of very harsh responses here OP.

You're already doing a lot for her and haven't said that you would stop. The issue sounds like the high frequency of hospital appointments. Having a 3mo is very hard work and the baby has needs too, including routine. MN is forever telling women to put themselves and their children first. As they should be.

That said, it sounds like a lot of appointments given the pandemic. There are services out there that can help her with transport for these.

Mwnci123 · 03/01/2021 22:46

My first baby screamed constantly in the car. It is stressful and not unreasonable to take it in to consideration when deciding whether to do this. Also op will be sleep deprived and this is a substantial commitment. I don't know what I would do in the circumstances but it isn't straightforward and op does not deserve a roasting.

Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:46

Sorry @UsernameSaved I tried to quote you but it didn’t come up

OP posts:
Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:47

I have actually tried gently to ask her if they are all really necessary as I was actually worried she would be more at risk the more appts she goes to

OP posts:
UsernameSaved · 03/01/2021 22:47

@dirtybubble

It’s not all cancer related some are for other problems she has a lot of appts alway has I think some are private as well for various therapies
Thanks for clarifying
AIMD · 03/01/2021 22:47

If your worry is about risk of baby catching covid I’d say that’s not logical given your baby is probably quite low risk (unless there are underlying conditions she has). As someone else has said it is her who will be most at risk.

However if the issue is about the practicalities of managing the baby around the appointment etc can’t you just tell her you’ll try to help when/if you can. Maybe support her to some appointments but arrange taxis for others. Obviously you are under no obligation but if she is a close family member I would want to try and help.

JEE87 · 03/01/2021 22:48

You said you do her shopping? You are more likely to catch covid at a supermarket then from your aunt!!! I've not long had a baby and she didn't like the car seat and would cry but sometimes I would have no choice but to put her in the car and she gradually got used to it! You could take the pushchair and when your aunt is at her appointment you could take the baby for a stroll!! When the appointment is finished your aunt uses hand gel puts on a mask & gets in the car! & if this doesn't resolve it for you then YABU!! Your poor aunt!!

partyatthepalace · 03/01/2021 22:49

See if you can help her get hospital / volunteer transport through GP or Hospt.

Babies aren’t vulnerable, but if you are helping with shopping etc I can driving to hospt appointments might feel like too much. For me it would depend how unwell my aunt was, but anyway - do try and sort it for her by some other means.

LittleOwl153 · 03/01/2021 22:50

I think you are confusing 2 issues here - or at least confusing others with it.

Forming a support bubble with her would mean you could spend a bit more time with her - go in for a cuppa when you drops shopping etc maybe so shes not on the doorstep in the cold.

Or is she asking you to be her driver - and saying you can do it by being her support bubble?

The former I think you are unreasonable to refuse if you have no other support bubble in place - do you already have one because of your under 1?

The latter however you are clearly right to refuse as it would cause you and your baby a good deal of stress in the car. Also noone gets to commandeer 1-2days a week of your maternity leave. In this instance I would try and help her find someone else who can do this - her local COVID support council team might be the place to start?

rumandbiscuits · 03/01/2021 22:50

Is there anyway you could still bubble with her mainly for her to have company and for you to go in for a cuppa every now and again? With regards to the appointments I'm sure there will be a service out there that can help transport your aunt to and from the hospital - perhaps you could suggest helping her look into this?
I understand what it's like having a newborn that hates the car because mine was the same and it was awful plus just having a newborn in general is hard but I'm sure there are ways round this so that you are your aunt ok. I do feel for elderly people atm, especially when they live alone. I bet she feels helpless. Do you have any other family members?

Rubinia · 03/01/2021 22:50

I think you're getting some overly harsh responses here. You're a new mum in a pandemic. I'm not surprised you're feeling overwhelmed and scared. Thanks You are clearly feeling very anxious. It's ok to say no if you think you can't do it!
maybe you could bubble to provide social interaction and try to do the odd journey and see how you feel. Sometimes the thought of something is worse than the reality.

Swipe left for the next trending thread