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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty over support bubble

207 replies

dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:21

Elderly aunt requested we form a support bubble today. We have been taking her shopping twice a week dropping prescription etc but only at the door no real
Contact.
No other family nearby she is cv and has a lot of hospital appt as previously had cancer
I feel awful as she asked to form a bubble and I had to say no 😞 she said she can’t get public transport as too worried now but needs to go to appts but I don’t want to drive as i have a baby who would need to be in the car too.
I feel guilty but I have to put my child first bit I felt mean saying no

OP posts:
Ladylimpet · 03/01/2021 22:52

Yeah, I think that's pretty mean. Especially if she has nobody else. I would do as a pp suggested. Form a support bubble and suggest you could do the most important appointments.

Littlegoth · 03/01/2021 22:53

I don’t think you are being mean. My baby is a screamer in the car, too.

Also comments about you having ‘time’ because you are on mat leave! I count the day as a success if I manage to shower and eat 3 meals. I wouldn’t be able to manage an appointment schedule like the one being asked of you, however much I wanted to.

Weallliveinamonkeysubmarine · 03/01/2021 22:54

I understand the mama bear instinct to protect your baby at all costs, I had/have it, and I know it's powerful...

But your baby is not going to die if she gets Covid. You probably wouldn't even know if she got Covid as it's usually that mild in young children. Your aunt may well die if she catches it. Your panic about front in the car with her is understandable as we are all feeling on edge, but it's also really irrational, when it's her that is at risk rather than you guys.

Both of my children hated the car at that stage, and it is very stressful. But avoiding car journeys means the hatred of cars is likely to last much longer.

How long are these journeys btw?

You are doing lots but it comes across as mean because you could give this help, you just don't want to.

NailsNeedDoing · 03/01/2021 22:54

If you feel like you’d struggle to commit to taking her to every appointment I think that’s acceptable and not mean at all. You clearly care about her or you wouldn’t do what you do with her shopping and you wouldn’t feel bad, so don’t let strangers on her make you feel guilty. You have a baby that won’t settle in a car seat and to put your baby through journeys that would take up most of the day at least twice a week would be unfair on them.

randomsabreuse · 03/01/2021 22:55

Without Covid in the picture, would you be doing all this? - I doubt it, because 3mo babies are rather time consuming, and sleep is often hard to come by. I was "surviving" when DC was 3 months, certainly didn't have the capacity to drive around and wait at/walk near hospitals twice a week. I was in everybody fed, clothed and not dead mode...

I did end up doing a lot of hospital chauffeuring for DH when DC1 was around 5 months. Had a lot of support from grandparents to come close to coping... Hospital and other cafes were also open so there was somewhere warm to feed, other than the car.

Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:56

Every time I’ve dropped shopping it’s been at her insistence it was only a doorstop drop the support bubble has been mentioned only in respect to help with lifts but I do think that it’s not her being difficult more a case of not fully understanding the rules not just wanting lifts iyswim as she’s a lovely person not someone who would take advantage
We don’t have a support bubble with anyone ive just been off with the baby obviously and staying in as much as possible
I usually add her shopping to our weekly online one but she does like a top up shop of some fresh bits as well which is why it’s 2 a week as she prefers to have it that way

OP posts:
Whatwouldscullydo · 03/01/2021 22:57

God some.people are being mean.

Its one thing to stop by and have a cup of tea and a chat and drop off some shopping and its another to be responsible for looking after a baby and ferrying someone about for appointments and hanging around hospital car parks waiting with a screaming baby.

With kids under 1 op would be allowed to form her own support bubble wouldn't she? She can't do that if she's bubbled with someone else. What about support op might need?

The shopping is being taken care of the prescriptions can be set up to be delivered to.

When you say we do you mean your dh/dw/dp? I'm.assuming they are at work? So this would fall 100 percent t on you?

Yanbu to not commit to something that you won't be able to do. In that sense its better to come up with another plan, once that can definitely be stuck to and won't cause so much stress..

Are you OK op ? You seem to have taken on quite alot already, and a baby. I hope you are taking care of yourself Flowers

Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:57

It’s 1-2 a week not always 2 each week but I can find out exact dates and help with taxis etc where we can

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 03/01/2021 22:58

YANBU, you were right to say no, and I say that as a carer for my mum who can’t drive and has regular medical appts that I take her to.

I just wouldn’t take on that responsibility for an aunt, I’m busy myself with FT work, family etc.

I think if you were a man, you wouldn’t be guilt tripped by some of the people on this thread.

MacTheFork · 03/01/2021 22:58

I assume all the “kind” and “caring” posters on this thread attacking a young mother who is clearly trying to help her aunt as best she can are all signed up neighbourhood volunteers for elderly folk who don’t have anyone to help them in the pandemic?

Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:59

Even without Covid I’ll be honest I’d probably feel the same
I do worry about covid but the screaming is the big issue plus with breastfeeding I feel like some days it’s non stop and I struggled at first and it’s not been easy it’s only just getting better and I don’t want to mess that up

OP posts:
Saz12 · 03/01/2021 22:59

I can understand why you don’t want to take aunt to hospital twice a week. I assume it takes up a half day each time. Could you combine the hospital trip and a cuppa afterwards? Bring her prescription and shopping on same day.

Could you at least take her once a week, and sort her out with other transport the other day? How has she been getting around up until now?

I do think you should be trying to help her out, even if your baby cries in the car seat. And she’s not really a Covid risk to you or your baby, so you don’t need to wear a mask in the car (please don’t if it makes your glasses steam up!!!). it’s really just an issue of crying baby in the car.

Spied · 03/01/2021 23:00

Oh dear.
I feel really sad for your Aunt.
Must be heartbreaking being turned down when you ask your family for support.

stackemhigh · 03/01/2021 23:00

@MacTheFork I agree, and don’t forget the ‘mama bears’ 😕

AIMD · 03/01/2021 23:01

@dirtybubble

Even without Covid I’ll be honest I’d probably feel the same I do worry about covid but the screaming is the big issue plus with breastfeeding I feel like some days it’s non stop and I struggled at first and it’s not been easy it’s only just getting better and I don’t want to mess that up
If that’s the case just do what you can and what is doable and say no to what you can’t. Obviously if she has a particularly important appointment you might want to stretch your support so she can attend but if someone them are less important/critical I wouldn’t feel bad about not being able to do it.
Grenlei · 03/01/2021 23:02

I think if I had an elderly relative who had no one else to help them, I'd rather make the effort than make excuses. But each to their own. Possibly she can't afford taxis. I live in London, my nearest 2 hospitals are a £15+ taxi ride each way. I'd struggle to afford that a couple of times a week and I work ft. Her journeys may be more costly on a far lower income.

CurbsideProphet · 03/01/2021 23:03

@dirtybubble try googling dial a ride in her area, or checking about the hospital transport. Alternatively, every council has a covid support hub helpline for people who live alone and need assistance. They might have a community car service, if not they would direct you to the NHS responders volunteers line. A word of warning - I rang the NHS responders line for a service user and they can't tell you if they have active volunteers in the area. The request is logged and you have to wait and see whether anyone picks up the request.

If she is lonely and wanting to chat Age UK might be able to arrange a telephone befriender. There is also Silver line.

Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 23:03

My dh works full time so it’s just me really

OP posts:
Notnt · 03/01/2021 23:03

YANBU, as a pp said, that is a lot to commit to, especially with a young baby.
Your baby probably wouldn't become seriously ill with covid, but it isn't true you wouldn't notice (not with all, anyway). My baby was absolutely miserable with it - congested, temperature, crying a lot more than usual, very hard to settle him at night, etc. It was horrible to experience and not be able to do much to help but Calpol, extra feeds and waiting it out (with partner and I positive and feeling rubbish too).
Besides, when he was 3 months old I don't think I was always showered by the time my partner got home from work, doubt I could have committed to getting someone to and from all their appointments too, as well as the help you're already providing.

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/01/2021 23:05

I usually add her shopping to our weekly online one but she does like a top up shop of some fresh bits as well which is why it’s 2 a week as she prefers to have it that way

So you would have to go drop off shopping twice a week, and up to 2 appointments a week. So at least r days a week taken up akd more if there's a wait fir prescriptions etc

Thats alot. I can see why you wouldn't want to commit to all that.

What fresh stuff does she need a top up of? Cant she freeze some milk and bread and have some frozen veg on stand by?

CurbsideProphet · 03/01/2021 23:06

Also, Boots pharmacy will deliver prescriptions and so will the larger chains. If you're taking shopping twice a week and prescriptions regularly you must be going back and forth a lot which must be stressful with a small baby. If you could have the prescriptions delivered you could instead phone her to chat?

shoofly · 03/01/2021 23:07

I can't believe some of the responses here. A new mum who is already helping an aunt out is being berated because she's not adding multiple hospital visits a week to her schedule?

How has your Aunt attended her appointments up til now?
Ds1 slept rarely, screamed in the car and at 3 months I was lucky to be able to get dressed some days let alone shop for someone else twice a week and take them to appointments as well. It's a lot to take on.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 03/01/2021 23:08

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GLTM · 03/01/2021 23:08

Well done you for helping her when you have your hands full. I really wouldn't feel bad when you've done so much already. I have a young baby and know what it's like. It's completely understandable that you can't take her. I wouldn't be able to commit either. If you have a chance speak to the hospital 'friends of' to see if they have any suggestions, a local church, a cancer charity or the council.

trevthecat · 03/01/2021 23:11

Search for NHS responders. They can help with transportation. My eldest hated the car seat. It was a nightmare and it stressed me so much. It's not fair on you or the baby. She may need to be referred by the GP but it's very straight forward

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