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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty over support bubble

207 replies

dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:21

Elderly aunt requested we form a support bubble today. We have been taking her shopping twice a week dropping prescription etc but only at the door no real
Contact.
No other family nearby she is cv and has a lot of hospital appt as previously had cancer
I feel awful as she asked to form a bubble and I had to say no 😞 she said she can’t get public transport as too worried now but needs to go to appts but I don’t want to drive as i have a baby who would need to be in the car too.
I feel guilty but I have to put my child first bit I felt mean saying no

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 04/01/2021 11:04

I am going to go against the grain here and say that I don’t think you are being unreasonable! You have only had a baby in the last three months. I think people are being a bit harsh.especially since the appointments are not for active treatment as such. I think you could certainly help your aunt find alternative transport, but I think it’s ok if you are not comfortable with it! I feel bad for you as I think this thread is going to make you feel worse and it’s ok to not want to do it, you are already helping and if you can help find alternative arrangements sure that’s much better than you doing it and feeling anxious then trying to keep a little baby happy in the car ect. Everyone is doing their best with their own circumstances and you are allowed to not be comfortable with requests made of you. You clearly are not being deliberately mean saying no to this or trying to make things difficult! I would try just figure out an alternative if possible!

MacTheFork · 04/01/2021 11:09

OP if you are getting fed up of the sanctimonious “you feel guilty so you should be able to be superwoman” (from people who are probably helping others far less than you) you could ask for this to be moved to Relationships. You will get less nonsense there.

rookgizzardpie · 04/01/2021 11:12

YABU. Sometimes life is harder for a while because we’re making an effort to help other people. It’s just life

Whatwouldscullydo · 04/01/2021 11:15

What part of shopping twice a week and sorting out medication is not helping someone?

KarmaNoMore · 04/01/2021 11:18

Have the hospitals suspended the ambulance service to bring people who have no support to hospital appointments?

Well... I suppose they could, they were only big vans with a lot of seats so probably not the best idea in Covid times.

MacTheFork · 04/01/2021 11:18

@rookgizzardpie What relatives or neighbours outside of your household are you doing errands for? How much time is it taking you a week? Do you have a very young baby?

LividLovely · 04/01/2021 11:19

Wow, you don’t deserve this pile on at all.

You’re struggling enough with your tiny baby and I completely understand not feeling able to take on more risks and responsibilities.

mumof2exhausted · 04/01/2021 11:22

As a mum of 3 kids including a 3 month old baby I think it’s so harsh you will not form a bubble - she must be so lonely. And she’s going through treatment. How sad she doesn’t have other family to help her

rookgizzardpie · 04/01/2021 12:40

[quote MacTheFork]@rookgizzardpie What relatives or neighbours outside of your household are you doing errands for? How much time is it taking you a week? Do you have a very young baby?[/quote]
They’re helping me at the minute Smile. I’ve done my part and will continue to when I’m vaccinated. I don’t have a young baby at the minute but I did when my grandmother moved in with us because she couldn’t cope on her own, after I’d done multiple overnight stays with her for months. Any other questions?

MacTheFork · 04/01/2021 13:07

I see. So that’s a “much less than the OP at the present time in the current pandemic” then @rookgizzardpie. No further questions m’lud.

stackemhigh · 04/01/2021 13:09

@LoveMyKidsAndCats

Wow YABVU. Plain cruel. Poor lady. Be honest you just cannot be bothered with her.
Is that you Mr Peter Love My Kids Andre?
stackemhigh · 04/01/2021 13:13

@rookgizzardpie I agree with @MacTheFork, you’re a fine one to talk when you’re only getting help in the pandemic and not giving any.

JillofTrades · 04/01/2021 13:13

Wow I can't believe everyone is trying to make you feel bad. Even if your baby might not be at risk, you could be. And there's no way I would be taking a small baby at that age on long trips. My ds at 3mo cried so much in the car seat and I hardly did only those that were extremely necessary. Its sad though that your aunt has no one else but you are already doing alot for her at the moment.

Museumland · 04/01/2021 13:28

A support bubble is for emotional support. I live on my own and am in a support bubble with a friend; we take turns in cooking a meal for each other. What your aunt is asking for is really to help with her care needs which is allowed for under the rules anyway - genuine care rather than social visits. I think you do a lot already, and you also have your own family to care for. I would just say that you can't manage to do more but that you can help her arrange taxis and the occasional lift if you are able. Also hospitals will provide dedicated patient transport.

Feeling83 · 04/01/2021 13:52

I think you’re doing a lot for your aunt already. There’s no way I would be putting my 3 month old baby at risk, even if it’s just a tiny risk! And driving with a small baby who screams non stop is quite dangerous ( my DS was the same) especially as you’re likely to be sleep deprived with a 3 month old bf baby.
Look after yourself and your baby and don’t feel guilty!

Callcat · 04/01/2021 14:17

You're NOT mean. You're doing what you can, which is loads. There are other solutions to your aunt's transport problems. I had a car screamer and mega feeder and it was the hardest time of my life, and that's without pandemic and extra chores for people. You are NOT being mean. Some very harsh and frankly silly responses on this thread, please ignore them!

Tier10 · 04/01/2021 14:20

I don’t think YABU, she’s asking a lot of you and you don’t feel able to do it. You’re already doing really a lot for her.

rookgizzardpie · 04/01/2021 14:22

[quote stackemhigh]**@rookgizzardpie* I agree with @MacTheFork*, you’re a fine one to talk when you’re only getting help in the pandemic and not giving any.[/quote]
I’m CEV but ok Hmm

adreamofspring · 04/01/2021 14:32

YANBU. You are already supporting her and are simply saying that you can’t do any more than you do already.
You’re not withdrawing or leaving her in the lurch. It’s been 9 months and she’s managed so far presumably because you were either heavily pregnant or had a newborn and it was obvious that you physically couldn’t help. You’re baby’s still tiny but your aunt may not understand that, it’s fine to make the challenges clear. If you were in full time work no one would bat an eyelid and the mean comments on here would be non existent. And when you go back to work it’s possible that you’ll be able to help her even less (tearing around for nursery pick ups and commuting etc.) so you’ll be doing her a kindness by setting her up with dial a ride or some other voluntary transport service.

Comtesse · 04/01/2021 14:40

YANBU OP - doing 2 appts a week would be a big commitment and not easy with little baby. But the social aspects of a bubble might be different - maybe tea once a week would be good for you and for your aunt?

Whatthebloodyell · 04/01/2021 14:40

Just to add my voice to the YANBU gang, because there are some horrible and judgemental people on this thread. COVID or no COVID, you should only take on what you can reasonably cope with. Your ‘poor aunt’ will have other options, taking a taxi, utilising hospital transport services, other family, friends or neighbours. All the responsibilities shouldn’t fall to you just because you are on maternity leave.

dontdisturbmenow · 04/01/2021 14:49

The problem is it's all fine to day you are not u reasonable because it's inconvenient until you're the one who needs the support.

Let's hope you are never in this position OP.

Whatwouldscullydo · 04/01/2021 14:52

So because she can't spend what could amount to 5 days out of 7 ferrying someone about and waiting in.hospital.car parks with a baby trying to breastfeed in the car, she shouldn't count on anyone ever being able to help her?

SummerBaby2020 · 04/01/2021 14:57

It’s not bloody inconvenient to the op she has a 3mo baby and a ftm!!! Jesus Christ almighty!!! Poor op!!! Where’s her support as a ftm? Has she just to put her and her baby at risk??? Would you actively put your baby at risk from the cold or flu? NO you wouldn’t never mind COVID!! Get off her back poor woman becoming a parent is hard let alone in a pandemic when fist time parents have NO support but we have to put our self’s and our babies in danger?? Honestly the people on here really do make me wonder how they have a perfect life to make some else feel so bad Hmm

dontdisturbmenow · 04/01/2021 15:05

It’s not bloody inconvenient to the op she has a 3mo baby and a ftm!!!
What if it was her mum( or someone she's very close to)? I bet she'd be prepared to deal with the inconvenience.

It's not 5 days but about 2 and liny to be less as little physio pasts are taking place.

She could also have suggested giving a try but wouldn't guaranteed she could continue if it upset her baby too much. Could have insisted on wearing g mask etc...

Instead, OP doesn't want the hassle. Shopping and prescription? That can be done at the same time as shopping for her family, so certainly not going out of her way to help.

Saying that OP, if you are set with your position, no point in feeling guilty.

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