Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty over support bubble

207 replies

dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 22:21

Elderly aunt requested we form a support bubble today. We have been taking her shopping twice a week dropping prescription etc but only at the door no real
Contact.
No other family nearby she is cv and has a lot of hospital appt as previously had cancer
I feel awful as she asked to form a bubble and I had to say no 😞 she said she can’t get public transport as too worried now but needs to go to appts but I don’t want to drive as i have a baby who would need to be in the car too.
I feel guilty but I have to put my child first bit I felt mean saying no

OP posts:
Blueeyesparkle · 03/01/2021 23:11

God I couldn’t do that to a family member. That’s sad and selfish

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/01/2021 23:11

Are you serious on

Shes already doing her shopping twice a week and sorting medications as well as looking after a new baby and having a house to run while her dh is at work akd she's selfish cos she can't commit to 2 more journeys a week that involves sitting around outside hospitals waiting for appointments to finish?

Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 23:11

@Whatwouldscullydo

I usually add her shopping to our weekly online one but she does like a top up shop of some fresh bits as well which is why it’s 2 a week as she prefers to have it that way

So you would have to go drop off shopping twice a week, and up to 2 appointments a week. So at least r days a week taken up akd more if there's a wait fir prescriptions etc

Thats alot. I can see why you wouldn't want to commit to all that.

What fresh stuff does she need a top up of? Cant she freeze some milk and bread and have some frozen veg on stand by?

Before covid she would go out every day to the shop to buy just what she needed each day ! We do 1 shop as ‘basics’ so some milk tea bags bread individual meals fruit and veg. But she likes to then 3 days later have more milk, fruit, some kind of fresh meat or fish etc. I think it’s more habit/routine really. Easily we could buy bigger amounts of lots of the things and make it less shops but the routine seemed very important and I don’t actually mind she doesn’t live very far and that’s an ok walk but it’s the driving these distances that just isn’t going to work I’m going to see if there’s anything local volunteer wise or if not I’ll try to help with taxis whether it’s booking for her or helping with some of the cost if we can
OP posts:
Hopeishere52 · 03/01/2021 23:13

Yanbu. Flowers You are a new mum with a very young baby. Perhaps if you can help her find some help that would be great. I really understand your concerns, and it’s important that you keep yourself safe and well too, so you can do the best for your baby. It sounds like you are already helping a lot with shopping and prescriptions etc. Please be kind to yourself. There is some good advice on here about possible sources of help you could possibly help her to access.

MacTheFork · 03/01/2021 23:13

You sound lovely OP and your aunt is lucky to have you helping her.

Dasher789 · 03/01/2021 23:13

Its a tough one. I like to think that most people would help anyone in need who genuinely had no one else and particularly if it was family but its obviously a big commitment. If your baby hates being in the car, its a fair journey and you have no child care then it seems like you just can't help. As well as the GP, it might be worth contacting the hospital. They must have had patients in similar situations before. Good luck

FlyPiggy · 03/01/2021 23:15

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

Sorry I think you’re being extremely mean, inconsiderate and selfish by this. I wouldn’t be ok with doing this to family, you’re absolutely fine to do it just not bothered.

Wow.

OP has a 3 month old baby who isn't good in the car and she is just establishing breastfeeding yet you think she's "extremely mean, inconsiderate and selfish" not to be providing a regular taxi service to her Aunt, despite the fact she already does her shopping and drops off prescriptions?

"Wow"

Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 23:15

@MacTheFork

You sound lovely OP and your aunt is lucky to have you helping her.
Thankyou so much. I really appreciate that I felt so bad I so want to help her I just can’t manage this much. I’ll look up some of the suggestions on this thread.
OP posts:
CreamFirstThenJamOnTop · 03/01/2021 23:16

Yanbu
You’re helping as much as you feel able. It’s good to know your limits otherwise you’ll end up overwhelmed and exhausted.

ineedaholidaynow · 03/01/2021 23:17

Do we know if babies aren't susceptible to the new variant?

There is a community volunteer driver service where I live, which DM uses if I am not available to give her lifts. You only pay for petrol so cheaper than a taxi, and sometimes have special parking places at the hospital so they will be available as soon as you finish your appointment, so you don't have to wait for someone to pick you up. Is there something similar near your aunt?

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/01/2021 23:19

dirty honestly you sound lovely, I mean without sounding harsh, if you are reliant on someone else you have to compromise a bit. You have to fit in with what they are doing. And not pile on extras.

Original poster
dirtybubble · 03/01/2021 23:19

@ineedaholidaynow

Do we know if babies aren't susceptible to the new variant?

There is a community volunteer driver service where I live, which DM uses if I am not available to give her lifts. You only pay for petrol so cheaper than a taxi, and sometimes have special parking places at the hospital so they will be available as soon as you finish your appointment, so you don't have to wait for someone to pick you up. Is there something similar near your aunt?

I’m going to try and find out I’m hoping there might be something she was getting bus/train till now which obviously probably isn’t the best idea
OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 03/01/2021 23:22

Just google community transport and hopefully there will be something similar in her area. My parents used to live in a different county and my DF used to be a volunteer driver for the community scheme there, so fingers crossed you can find something.

Unsure33 · 03/01/2021 23:22

You could check for volunteer services with her GP. They may be able to help.

katy1213 · 03/01/2021 23:24

You are allowed to say no. All these people calling you mean might feel differently if they had been asked to do similar.
She could get a cab or public transport. Her fears don't trump yours.

Livelovebehappy · 03/01/2021 23:25

YANBU OP. It is asking a lot of you. I would try and help by getting information on how your aunt can be transported - there is help out there, which would be more appropriate. It’s just not practical for someone with a baby to be on call like that, especially with the problems you’ve outlined.

maybelaterdear · 03/01/2021 23:28

You are so good to do what you are doing already. It's a lot of pressure on you if your Aunt doesn't have anyone else.
Having a 3 month old baby is not easy and babies need nap time etc.
Would be good if someone could give you a hand with the care of your Aunt.x

INeedNewShoes · 03/01/2021 23:29

The keyboard warriors are out in force tonight. Would you lot speak like that to someone’s face? It’s disgusting.

OP, I don’t have a newborn; even so, I would not want to be put in this position either. It’s too big an ask as a regular commitment. It means you can’t feed on demand, which many babies are still doing at 3m.

I am also concerned about Covid and would be worried about the risk posed to me as well as my DD. Why on Mumsnet are we not allowed to be concerned about contracting a potentially very harmful illness without being ridiculed by the people who think that anyone under 60 is invincible.

I have done things to help others during the pandemic like looking after friends’ children when they were stuck for childcare but when I weighed up risk vs benefit it felt acceptable to me. Being cooped up in a car with someone who is going into a hospital twice a week would make me nervous.

Uachtar · 03/01/2021 23:30

Yes well done for giving her help and support. Please don’t feel horrible and guilty for not not wanting to bring your new baby in the car in these circumstances, it is a very difficult situation, you are doing your best and in your shoes I would feel exactly the same.

People posting on here are not experts on your baby and your baby’s immune system, so you need to do what you feel is best for you and baby while of course helping your aunt.

princessjasmineofagrabah · 03/01/2021 23:31

You're doing lots for her op. More than A lot would, despite what they write on an anonymous thread. With a 3 month old I think you're doing amazing!

yoyo1234 · 03/01/2021 23:31

Similar aged baby here. Good day is time to eat nutritious food, a wash, remembering clean clothes and hopefully a walk with baby in-between countless feeds ! You have been getting shopping and prescriptions as well. The car journey is tough as well , I hate it when my baby is in car seat ( worry about head support despite seat being correct age group) . I would find it too much .

greenlynx · 03/01/2021 23:34

I think some people are unnecessarily mean. Looking after 3 months old could be very stressful and demanding. OP is doing what she can. The things she mentioned: baby crying, worries about Covid, breastfeeding difficulties, even glasses steaming are all real problems for her even if they are small for someone. Her aunt want to form support bubble to get more support which OP can’t provide, even tea and chat might be too much in certain circumstances.

Unchartedsea · 03/01/2021 23:34

At first I thought YABU but on reflection I can see how car journeys with a screaming baby are a nightmare. My kids hated the car seat and driving was very stressful because of this.
But why don’t you offer to form a support bubble and arrange to actually see her or have her over for a meal once or twice a week? If she is struggling with feeling lonely and isolated then I think this is important. If you are both careful otherwise then the COVID risk is minimal. And more risk towards your aunt than you and your baby.

Peppafrig · 03/01/2021 23:35

Your poor aunt I hope you don’t need help when your old and have no one else

Whatwouldscullydo · 03/01/2021 23:36

Being cooped up in a car with someone who is going into a hospital twice a week would make me nervous

Covid aside our local hospital the parking fees alone would soon add up. I dont know what all supermarkets are like for parking but some also have a minimum spend before they refund u the parking. So even popping in fir a pint of milk and some bread could well be piling onto the cost as it wouldn't reach a fiver..