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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To want to eat as a family?

208 replies

Rose789 · 03/01/2021 18:48

Dh has again said how much he prefers eating later then we currently we do and thinks it’s silly that we all sit down for tea the minute he walks in the door. We have two kids aged 5 and almost 2.
Dp finishes work at 4.45 and works 10 minutes from home. I work 7-3.15 from home. I pick the kids up from school and nursery at 3.30 and 3.45 home for 4. Cook tea and me and the kids are normally starving by 5pm when he gets in.
He would prefer to relax and unwind and then have tea around 7pm. I think it’s so important to sit down as a family together and honestly mealtimes are my favourite time of the day when we are all together and get to talk about our day. It helps the kids try new food, helps table manners and conversation skills.
Dh would happy to join us at the table and then just eat his meal reheated later on. But it just seems anti social to me.
One day a week the kids have an easy tea- beans on toast or something similar when I go to my dads. I grab something later and dh sorts out his once the kids are in bed. I hate it and miss the family time, Dh loves it.
Do you sit together as a family for mealtimes?
Thoughts are most welcome

YABU- eating together doesn’t matter
YANBU- family meals are important

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/01/2021 13:38

@FabulousIAm

How is anyone having their dinner at 7pm unless it's the weekend and you're out for a meal without the kids? You're in bed a couple or a few hours later, surely? Is everyone having mental meals, or what? Breakfast window is around 7am - 9am, then it's a snack at 11am, then lunch at around 1pm, then snack at 3pm, then dinner at 5pm, then, if you're still hungry, supper about an hour or so before you go to bed. If you're having your dinner at 7pm or later, what time are you all going to bed?!
We eat our dinner some time after 7.30pm every day, @FabulousIAm - as I said earlier, we got into the habit because dh's working hours were not regular - he was often not home until after 6.30pm, which was too late for the boys to eat, when they were younger, so they ate at around 5pm, and dh and I ate later.

We tend to go to bed around midnight - and our day's meals are somewhat different to yours - I tend not to eat breakfast (I used to be on an antidepressant that I had to take in the morning, which made me queasy, so I didn't eat until lunchtime), then we have lunch around 1-2pm, maybe a snack mid to late afternoon, then dinner around 8pm. We don't usually have supper, though dh sometimes has some cheese and biscuits, later on.

One thing that I found was beneficial about eating separately from the dc was that dh and I could have things they wouldn't enjoy - stronger tasting, spicier food, for example. Plus, waiting until after the dc were in bed meant we could eat in front of the TV, without setting a Bad Example!

The dc's dinner was still a social experience - I would stay and talk with them, and if we had friends over, and their dc were having dinner at ours, all of us mums would stay while the dc ate.

We did do meals together as a family - and obviously, as the boys got older, and their bedtimes got later - and as dh's hours became more predictable - we morphed into eating dinner together, and we still do, when they are at home. I think we were lucky that our boys grew up before smartphones became so ubiquitous, and we did insist that they ate their dinner at the dining table, instead of in front of the TV, so they had to talk over dinner, because the alternative was eating in bored silence.

The bottom line, though, is that people should do what works for them. Having dinner at 5pm didn't (and doesn't) work for me or dh, so we eat later. If eating earlier suits you better - that's great. It does mean that the cooking and clearing up are all done and dusted before the dc go to bed, so the evening is clear.

shouldistop · 04/01/2021 13:41

I'm with you op, we eat together between 5-5.30, ds goes to bed at 7.
If your dh doesn't want to eat at that time though I think it's unreasonable to force him as long as he's happy to sit and chat to you all.

Mommabear20 · 04/01/2021 13:47

Growing up my mum always had dinner on the table for my dad getting home from work at half 5, and we sat down to dinner as a family every single night. DH eat separately most evenings, but have both agreed that once our DD is eating solids properly we will be sitting together every night (maybe the odd exception if something came up) but as a general rule we want dinner to be a family dinner and time to talk together with the children.

BackforGood · 04/01/2021 13:51

Thanks @Wheresmykimchi. Blush. I must start going to bed when my eyes get tired Grin
Sorry @NataliaOsipova

BackforGood · 04/01/2021 13:54

I don’t know any adults who eat at 5 pm - unless you have brunch at the weekend and then “dunch” at around 5 pm!

and isn't an internet forum a wonderful thing, for picking up information about people outside of your social circle, @Notcontent ? You can learn all sorts of things about how we differ, not only across the world, but across your own country.

Oysterbabe · 04/01/2021 14:02

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

People who are giving toddlers dinner at 6.30, do you mind me asking what time your other meals are, and what time your children go to bed?

Mine wake at 6.30am. They need breakfast by 8am (even having milk on waking) and it can't be any later or the eldest would be late for preschool.They have lunch at 12, then the youngest naps, if we leave it any later she is too tired to eat. They have tea at 5pm, they get too hungry and tired to wait any longer.

If I put mine to bed any later than 7.15/7.30 they still wake at 6.30 but are simply tired, grumpy and badly behaved.

I'm always amazed by anyone who can give a 3 year old dinner at 6.30pm!

Breakfast at 8, hot lunch with dessert at school and nursery at 11:30. Littlest has tea at nursery at 3, which is something like fruit and a bagel. Older child has similar at afterschool club at 3:30. I pick them both up by 6. Home for dinner at about 6:30. In bed by 8.
BackforGood · 04/01/2021 14:03

I’m all for families eating together but you can’t expect an adult to want to eat supper at 5pm

Except, if you read through the thread, you'll find there are lots of adults who do.
Most people are hungry at about the time they are used to eating their meals. You get conditioned to it. I work alongside a lot of Nursery staff who have their lunch at 11.30 ish. Your body soon gets used to it, and, if you don't have your lunch until 1, you have gone beyond hungry. However, if your usual time is 1, then that isn't a problem. I know many people who work in physical jobs will have breakfast when they get up at 6ish and are ready for a full on meal by about 10.30. I know swathes of pensioners who like to eat their main / cooked meal in the middle of the day. None of these are wrong. They all suit the 'routine' of people in question.
Your body soon gets used to the routine you set for it.

BackforGood · 04/01/2021 14:07

@Atrixie - read the thread. The answer to your question has been given over and over again.

yikesanotherbooboo · 04/01/2021 14:12

Our children ate before us on weekdays as DH wasn't home from work until. 7.30 or so. If he is in by 5 though, I would eat at 6-6.30 and speed up the getting in to bed ritual.

Notcontent · 04/01/2021 14:14

@BackforGood

I don’t know any adults who eat at 5 pm - unless you have brunch at the weekend and then “dunch” at around 5 pm!

and isn't an internet forum a wonderful thing, for picking up information about people outside of your social circle, @Notcontent ? You can learn all sorts of things about how we differ, not only across the world, but across your own country.

That is very true!

I remember always being starving after school and having a snack and then dinner at 7 pm or later. So that’s what we do now.

cheeseismydownfall · 04/01/2021 14:20

We eat as a family almost without fail every night around 7/8pm (me, DH and DC aged 13, 10 and 8), and have done for several years - but we didn't when our DC were that age, at least not on weeknights. Eating at 5pm sounds like nursery tea to me - I am with your DH I'm afraid! Personally I really enjoyed the adult time of cooking a grown-up meal after the children were in bed.

Given that you enjoy it, though, surely the best thing is compromise? 2/3 weeknights you eat together, and the other nights the children have tea earlier and you have a grown up meal together later on?

crosstalk · 04/01/2021 16:20

I have very few friends who weren't commuting pre Covid. I worked furthest away in an irregular job which meant I would be lucky to be home by 8 sometimes 11, sometimes away at 4am. My DP could collect, do small supper for DCs at 6 and we'd manage to wolf something down or he'd sort himself out. We did eat all together as often as we could. Eating at 5pm would have been far too early and none of us would have been at home. However my GM who was a SAHM with a husband who was often away set her own times to suit her and whatever family were in the house. Different strokes for different folks but I think OP is ignoring the fact that her husband is just coming home and probably wants a cup of tea and not be rushed. Just as I would be.

PriceEmUp · 04/01/2021 16:26

On one hand YABU expecting Dh to eat when who doesn’t want to - whether that’s at 5pm or not.
But as you have children of an impressionable age it wouldn’t surprise me if your kids started ‘I don’t want to eat it’ ‘daddy’s not eating’ ‘why is daddy not eating’

Tough one. Can you not do tea just a little later and compromise at 6pm?

Wannabegreenfingers · 04/01/2021 16:29

Sorry at this age, my kids ate together and myself and ex husband ate once they were in bed.

Now it's just me and the kids and we eat around 6pm, but mine are 8 and 10.

Either let the kids eat together and you eat with your husband or let him eat alone. A mixture of the two would work well.

Lulu1919 · 04/01/2021 16:32

Give kids an after school snack and eat at 6 ?
We only ate as a family weekend lunch times or holidays as my husband didn't get home until 7 pm at the earliest....but I used to,sit with the children and chat etc whilst they ate tea and me and my husband ate dinner later

zukiecat · 04/01/2021 16:38

Why is 5pm too early for an adult to eat?

That's the time adult DD and me eat, we'd be starving by 6.30/7pm, and we both go to bed around 8pm anyway.

tiredqueen · 04/01/2021 16:42

Yanbu but maybe consider pushing the timing forward just a little?

We do the same- my dc are 4&3 and we eat at 5:30-5:45. Sometimes 6pm. They Go to bed at 7:00-7:15

emilyfrost · 04/01/2021 16:48

@zukiecat

Why is 5pm too early for an adult to eat?

That's the time adult DD and me eat, we'd be starving by 6.30/7pm, and we both go to bed around 8pm anyway.

Because the overwhelming majority of adults don’t go to bed at 8pm Confused
SunKeepsShining · 04/01/2021 16:52

Knowing people that never eat as a family I find it so strange! Reverse the snack and tea and eat later with the kids at 6/6:30? One family we know don’t even eat lunch/tea with the kids on the weekend. The kids still think it’s such a great when we eat together with us when they visit/we go out for food (pre covid). They practically explode with joy when the parents take them out for food as they get to eat the same thing. Quite sad watching a child eat more beige pasta and chips asking to eat what the adult is cooking for tea(veg) and being told no that’s for adults.

Sarahandduck18 · 04/01/2021 16:52

Family meals are important but 5pm is very early.

Compromise on 6/6.30 with dcs having a post school snack.

movingonup20 · 04/01/2021 17:34

Compromise - cook dinner for everyone around 6.30. My kids even as toddlers ate with us at 6.30 when exh got home

movingonup20 · 04/01/2021 17:38

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

My kids got up at 7.30am, bed at 8pm never was an issue eating at 6.30pm, dd1 barely napped dd2 napped after lunch (went to morning nursery, lunch at home)

PetertheWalrus · 04/01/2021 17:56

Are you my DW? I agree with your DH 100%. I hate eating much before 7.30.

NataliaOsipova · 04/01/2021 19:49

@BackforGood No problem! Sending best wishes from our pre dinner drink 🤣 (have definitely given up on dry January this year....)

StillCoughingandLaughing · 04/01/2021 20:30

Except, if you read through the thread, you'll find there are lots of adults who do.

But the OP’s husband doesn’t want to, regardless of how many others do.